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She cant explain why she wants to divorce


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Hi!

 

My wife broke down and cried one night in November. She no longer wanted to be married ... Briefly about us: A relationship full of love and joy. It was us against the world. Ten years together. My wife has worked ad at the same time studied. Both activities full time . This was a deliberate choice on our behalf an investment in her and us. We were fully aware that it would be tough and I have during this time taken the largest share of responsibility for home and children. She has come home to a set table and then throw herself into her books. I have probably taken most of the initiative to try to fill children's lives with a little something extra: Cinema, swimming and other activities.

 

When she released the "bomb", she changed completely. She switched off and would / could not talk to me about why! She has during this time said that I do not have access to her emotions. I have been desperate because I do not understand and tried to talk and talk to her about us and how she feels. She has given me three times, about 5 minutes during three months in which she tried to explain how she feels. She has not spoken to her family about this "for real". Excluded them too. I have been more talkative with them and they have really supported me. They see what has happened to her even if they do not say it straight out.

 

She feels that she let me "take over" her life. She no longer knows who she is ... She does not feel comfortable with herself.

 

During this short time she has made remarkable things. Could make a list, but choose to make a selection. Remove me from Facebook and all my friends. Blocked me from FB. "It's the only place I can be alone." She escaped our reality and that really affected the children negatively. She has not had the ability to solve her moving out more then on "on paper" so I've been there supported her and helped her with what she had to think about when it comes to practical stuff and I have also helped her financially so she could move from me. Her natural feelings are numb on the brink of gone.

 

She can not say that she does not love me and that I must stop hoping that it might be we again. "It's anybody's guess how the future will be ..." "Nobody out there can love me like you do. That's why it's so sad, that it can not work!"

 

I lost 1/5 in weight in six weeks. Have been to therapy and I am completely destroyed. The third week of this hell, I was really worried about how I felt and asked her to go to therapy. "No, why would I sit there and dwell on stuff," was my wife's response.

 

She has said that she made many mistakes during our separation. I really cant seem to communicate with her. She has taken no responsibility for what she has done Her favorite expression is "what happened happened and it can not be changed." She has often told me that "this is how you have experienced it." Some things she's done she denies. No wonder I felt so bad.

 

It's been five weeks since she moved out and I have asked her to not have any contact for a while. We text eachother when it comes to practical things reguarding our two children. She does not answer if I bring up anything about us. I quite simply can not grasp her oddities. I seriously believed that this was love. What happened to her?

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This smells to high heaven of 'affair'.....

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I think its the opposite shes trying to describe even though she cant really grasp it herself. Working and stydyin having no time for "play", no time for the children or me or herself. Certain that she in some ways felt trapped without any choices. It led to a separation. Probably the only way to feel some kind of control in her life. Ofcourse its selfish but as she describes it "I dont know who I am". Sounds scarry if you ask me. Dont think shes lying and that makes it even scarier. During our three months together before she found an apartment she really was crasy. She could sit in the sofa pulling her hair rocking back and forth. In I new I had to help her even though it was killing me.. Hopefully shell find what shes looking for. Sooner or later she has to face me. Ill leave her alone until then...

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She always had a choice. I dont buy that. Now she is making the choice to push you away.

 

Like others have said, look for another man. There probably already is one in her life.

 

Come back here in a few weeks or months and tell us we were wrong.

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Not to impose to much but I've noticed that "age" wise, its ladies in their twenties that go thru the "WHO AM I and WHERE AM I GOING?" Syndrome. Okay its really not a syndrome so much as a re-evaluation. Particularly when REALITY sets in on being a mother,wife, and carrying the weight of getting the formal education. Some ladies THRIEVE on being ALL things to ALL people...some crumble. Your wife crumbled. I do not think there is an affair....more like personal conflict at this stage of her inability to deal with all the responsibilities that she cannot live up to.

Some folks grow slower then others in being able to juggle all the duties. Granted I think you as the father & husband deserve better since you carried the daily responsibilities. You seem "in touch", while she is clearly out of touch with herself and how her actions are affecting the family forever.

Legally there will be much that does need to get resolved, so hopefully she can get her act together and move forward. Keep getting counseling for yourself...you deserve to heal from this.

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Thanks Tayla! I think its too easy explaining everything with " affair"! And if that was the case its more interesting to understand the Reasons behind the behavior then to be bitter about who she shares her bed with. If shes having an affair I will write about it. I believe that its just a matter of time until she throws herself in the arms of another reguardless. Being so confused its easier to deal with reality by not dealing with reality.

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Pete..women seldom check out of marriages unless

 

1. Drug/alcohol abuse by either party

2. Physical/emotional abuse by either party

3. Mental illness..again by either party.

4. 3rd person involvement by ....you guessed it...either party.

 

 

Pick you poison, but I'm with the majority here..this reeks of another person. Start looking...he is there.

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This sounds so familiar my wife said the exact same things... almost word for word. I don't know who I am anymore bla bla. Guess what? There was another man. I am not saying that's the case for sure, I am not saying she is sleeping around. It might as well been an emotional affair. Good luck to you, it is HARD.

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She "can't" explain why she wants to divorce because she has another man she's focusing on.

 

Don't let her selfishness fool you or guilt you in any way. She didn't want to put in her share of the work for the marriage and now she blames you because of her conscious decision to be lazy. She wants you to foot the bill while she lets her hair breeze in the wind with a new man beside her.

 

And you know the sun is coming out and the air is getting warmer each day and it's usually this time of the year when folks decide to "let it loose."

 

Start getting your ducks in a row so she won't completely drain you of life.

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Untouchable_Fire
Thanks Tayla! I think its too easy explaining everything with " affair"! And if that was the case its more interesting to understand the Reasons behind the behavior then to be bitter about who she shares her bed with. If shes having an affair I will write about it. I believe that its just a matter of time until she throws herself in the arms of another reguardless. Being so confused its easier to deal with reality by not dealing with reality.

 

... Man you really have it bad. You have to pull yourself together quick, if not for you then for your kids!

 

You need to cut her off from every single benefit of having you. That includes all forms of income, house and kids.

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There are many red flags that point to cheating. When you're inside Peter, it can all seem so complicated...mixing what you know, what you suspect, what you see and what you hear. There are also things you'll want to believe, and things you won't. Affair? No affair? What does it really matter if she's gone and shows no signs of being the loving woman you married?

 

Gone is gone, isn't it? Her reluctance to communicate with you is telling.

 

Peter, the best thing you can do is to leave her alone. Set your path towards moving on in life without her. If she talks, listen. Take what she says and apply it to what you know is right. It goes without saying that she has backed out on her promise, but don't let her lack of honor rub off on you. Decide what kind of life you want and make the decisions needed to gain it. If that ideal life includes her, fine...but it'll only happen if she wants to be a part of it. We can't make others love us. Obligation or not.

 

Take care of your kids, leave her alone and let her experience what she feels she needs to experience. I suspect that her pushing you away is because (or at least, in part) she does not want you to see what she is doing. She's hiding because what you think is important to her. She's afraid of losing something that you provide. It could be money, if could be many things.

 

If you discover that she has been unfaithful, it changes everything. Know that.

 

It is not easy friend. But you can, and will survive this. I did. You can.

 

Keep posing. There are good folks here who can help you.

Edited by Steadfast
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She "can't" explain why she wants to divorce because she has another man she's focusing on.

 

Don't let her selfishness fool you or guilt you in any way. She didn't want to put in her share of the work for the marriage and now she blames you because of her conscious decision to be lazy. She wants you to foot the bill while she lets her hair breeze in the wind with a new man beside her.

 

And you know the sun is coming out and the air is getting warmer each day and it's usually this time of the year when folks decide to "let it loose."

 

Start getting your ducks in a row so she won't completely drain you of life.

 

Yep, every word that is coming from her mouth is a pile of fresh steaming horse manure. No more chatting or texting, (except re the kids). Actions are the only thing she will understand now.

 

1. Lawyer up

2. Find out if she's cheating, if she is tell the other guy's wife immediately

3. Don't respond to her calls or texts unless it's a matter of life and death

4. Start finding new friends andd hobbies etc to begin the foundations of your new life

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Hi again!

 

Well reading your posts all point in one direction. Time will tell and there is really nothing I can do about it right now. I have had no contact with her for five weeks. Yesterday she called me wanting to have more contact with me reguarding my kids. Nothing wrong with that but i have explaind to her that the only time I feel really good is when I dont think about her and how she has treated me. She is still very confused and she cried several times during our coversation. She says she feels bad about the whole thing. I sure hope she does. She wouldnt be human otherwise. I wont initiate any contact with her unless it comes to the kids.

 

I have noticed there is a lot of bitternes in some post here. I really understand you. But untill I know for a fact I have to deal with the reality presented for me. My way of dealing with it is to NOT have contact with her. If shes cheating or not thats what I need to cope with it all. No matter what happens next I have to know that I can live with myself for the rest of my life. Iv done nothing wrong. Its a good feeling... ;)

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Briefly about us: A relationship full of love and joy. It was us against the world.

Did no one else notice this? This reads like the back of a bad mass market paperback romance. And the wife and children are only supporting cast. Some of your other statements follow this pattern.

 

During our three months together before she found an apartment she really was crasy. She could sit in the sofa pulling her hair rocking back and forth. In I new I had to help her even though it was killing me..

 

She says she feels bad about the whole thing. I sure hope she does. She wouldnt be human otherwise.

 

I'm sorry, peterr, but I think you need to reevaluate how you behaved in the relationship. I'd bet she has told you, over and over, in a thousand different ways, why your marriage is ending. You were just too wrapped up in the fairy tale to believe them.

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OK...she can't/won't tell you what the problem is.

 

What have you done to find out for yourself?

 

I know you've lumped a lot of the folks suggesting another man as "bitter"...but I assure you, that's not always the case.

 

I too suspect that there's another player in this mix. What steps have you taken to prove/disprove this theory?

 

If there is...there is NOTHING you can do to improve the situation as long as he remains in the picture.

 

If there isn't...then you'll know for sure that the problem is something else.

 

What have you done to figure out what the problem is, other than wait for her to tell you?

 

I also wanted to ask...what was the situation that caused the two of you to be an "us against the world" relationship in the beginning?

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Talked to her an hour yesterday. She wanted to be more specific about the reasons. She said her feelings changed over time. In the end she could only see my " bad sides". Guess thats some kind of reason. The problem is that she cant explain my " bad sides". She takes full responsibility for letting it go so far as to a divorce! She acually only says positive things about me.

 

No, nothing strange or out of the ordinary about our relationship. We loved eachother, sinple as that. No rediculous fairy tale as suggested. Is it that strange to feel like a unit ment for eachother when being in love? But that was then...

 

If I have looked for clues of her cheating? Of course im not stupid. But a dead end every time. Not saying that it isnt so bu I dont know.

 

Her sister has told me, latest a week ago, that shes so happy theres no other part envolved. She hopes that we will find eachother again. I realise that an affair could be filled with shame and that she probably wouldnt tell her sister about it

 

My main problem right now is the kids. Because shes so totally differen from who she used to be. Im truly worried on their behalf. She is irritable and angry and extremley egotistic right now. My sister met her yesterday at a meeting and she told me she was a completely different person. I think the stress of work, school and now everything else that comes with being a full time parent is slowly breaking her down.

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I'm telling you...there are all kinds of signs of some kind of change in her life.

 

She's "re-writing marital history". (Look it up, it's a common method that most people engaged in an affair do to mentally justify their actions)

 

She's become self-centered and self-focused.

 

She can't (or won't) explain her behaviors, actions, or feelings to you.

 

Let me guess...prior to this, before you seperated, she became distant, emotionally detached, and very moody. When you'd try to interact with her, rather than respond, she'd pull away, and dissemble whenever you'd try to ask why she was doing that. And the longer time went on...the worse it became, up to the point where she told you she wanted to seperate.

 

Today, she looks back and all she can see of your marriage is the bad things...she can't see any of the good things. She sees where she's been trying to tell you that she's not happy. And yet, when you look back, you don't see that at all?

 

If you were forced to explain all of this, you'd have to conclude that aliens have abducted her to the mothership?

 

Does this all describe her actions and behaviors leading up to today? Pretty accurate summation?

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Thanks for the latest post!

 

No! It was nothing like that at all. Ill try to describe in short the month before the bomb!

 

We invested in a car and made a 4 year plan to pay for it! Our love life was just like it had always been. Last time a week before she broke down. Lokking at text- messages during the las month she was as loving and flirty as usual. The only time she was distant was when she was studying.

 

I really didnt have a clue because everything was the same as always.

 

 

This is why I really cant understand it. The only exlenation that I can think of is a total mental breakdown.

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Dude she left you for five weeks then out the blue, then calls you up trying to see if she can still play her mind games with you.

 

She doesn't tell you who's she's with, or why she left you, and all she talks about is herself.

 

Not to include blocking you on FB (!!!!!!! ANOTHER RED FLAG!!!!!!!!)

 

It can't get anymore clearer than that.

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I understand! Im not in denial what so ever. But for now I dont know! Is it better to get minf f..... Because of my inaginatien or to keep my cool about the situation.

 

I know you are trying to help me guys. I almost lost my marbles over this before. It wont happen again. But I cant beat something out of her that may or may not be true.

 

The best thing is to leave her alone. I have a life too! Right?

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The first thing you need to do is to sit down, and pick a goal. Pick a direction that you want to go in.

 

Right now, it seems to me that the two directions you have going forward are either divorce, or rebuilding your marriage.

 

Step one...pick the direction you want to go.

 

Step two...gather appropriate information and develop a plan to obtain your goal.

 

We'll talk more about step two once you complete step one.

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I understand! Im not in denial what so ever. But for now I dont know! Is it better to get minf f..... Because of my inaginatien or to keep my cool about the situation.

 

I know you are trying to help me guys. I almost lost my marbles over this before. It wont happen again. But I cant beat something out of her that may or may not be true.

 

The best thing is to leave her alone. I have a life too! Right?

 

No one is asking you to "beat it out of her," but it would be nice to start a mini investigation, while taking care of yourself and the kids in the meantime (kids live with you, right?).

 

Best of luck to you.

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Agreed...and I'm still curious about what steps you HAVE taken to investigate and rule out that another man isn't the issue?

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