I want to go 'home'

[LittleTiger]

I woke up in the early hours of this morning, after a dream about my ex-husband, and had a very strange experience. Mentally and emotionally I was like a child who is away from home, alone, in a strange bed and I was feeling desperately homesick. My first thought on waking (at home in my own bed) was "I want to go home"

 

Background: My ex-husband left me three and half years ago (he went to work overseas and met somebody else while he was there). We were divorced about two years ago and I have been in a long distance relationship with a man I love very much since then. Despite coping brilliantly with the distance in the beginning, our relationship has run into serious difficulties because of the distance, finances and juggling hectic lives etc. Right now I should be in NZ but I had to cancel my month long trip at the last minute for various reasons. In short, I'm currently very unhappy and mostly living alone.

 

For some reason, I was briefly daydreaming about my ex yesterday evening as I watched the TV and, no doubt, that is why I dreamt of him during the night too. He was my rock whenever I was sad. A shoulder to cry on and someone to hold me when the going got a bit too tough. I think that's why I had the strange experience this morning - the feeling that I don't have a 'safe place' to run any more.

 

I was with my exH for 14 years and we were friends for over 20 years before that. Sadly, we had no children. There's no doubt he left a massive hole in my life and, at the time I didn't think I would make it through. I did survive though and I have considered myself 'over' him for a very long time now - if anyone really gets over a person they thought (at least at the time) was their best friend and the love of their life.

 

So I woke up this morning feeling like a child out of place, who wants to go home to the safety and security of her real home, her own bed, and with the people she loves sleeping nearby. When my husband left, I clearly lost something much more important than just my life's companion.

 

I was wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar - an unconscious yearning for a lost life - especially years later under times of stress? If you have, how did you deal with it? I don't want my exH back (he married his new woman last April) but there is a sense of security that my marriage (and my ex) gave me which I really miss. Do I have to be married again just to find a 'safe place'?

[giotto]

yes, I get that, from time to time. Sometimes I feel I want to leave everything behind (I leave in a foreign country) and go back to my own country, to my parents (yes, my parents). I know it's different from what you are talking about, but I believe the feeling is pretty similar. Just the desire of wanting to be in a safe place... sorry you are going through a bad patch.

[LittleTiger]

Thanks giotto, I appreciate your reply and your empathy.

 

I know it is just a rough patch and I will get through it, but there isn't much I wouldn't give right now for my life to be as easy and 'settled' as it was when I was married. I just feel as though I'm fighting through rapids and I'm badly in need of a rest before I go under.

 

Obviously married life has it's ups and downs, but I do miss having someone with me every day to take at least some of the weight off my shoulders.

 

Experiencing childhood emotions in my 40s is a very odd feeling but it's teaching me a few things about what's important to me and what's clearly missing from my life right now.

 

I definitely need to make some major changes and, I fear, that may mean another two broken hearts.

[giotto]

I know, I've been a long distance relationship myself... for 3 years, and the feeling of loneliness and abandonment is huge. At that time, I was also living in a different city, away from my family... maybe you should move to your partner's country? I know it's far away, but that's what I did... having said that, I was young (not that we are old at our age... ). Maybe all this stems from the security feeling one has in the womb...

[geegirl]

I know it is just a rough patch and I will get through it, but there isn't much I wouldn't give right now for my life to be as easy and 'settled' as it was when I was married. I just feel as though I'm fighting through rapids and I'm badly in need of a rest before I go under.

 

Obviously married life has it's ups and downs, but I do miss having someone with me every day to take at least some of the weight off my shoulders.

 

Experiencing childhood emotions in my 40s is a very odd feeling but it's teaching me a few things about what's important to me and what's clearly missing from my life right now.

 

I definitely need to make some major changes and, I fear, that may mean another two broken hearts.

 

I felt the same way after my divorce and I was 34. I remember waking up in this little apartment, feeling the worst anxiety just wanting to go home eventhough I realized there was nothing to go home to. Some days I would second guess myself into believing it wasn't so bad and some days I knew it was the right thing to do. Knowing you at least had someone there whom you could possibly fall back on was my heart wanting to settle because I was in fear. I missed the familiarity and the security of having someone to lean on. It didn't help that I was alone, in a foreign country, no friends and feeling isolated. It's been 6 years since my divorce and having been on my own since then has had me sometimes longing for a safe place. It doesn't matter whether you're in the midst of leaving a marriage or far long into singlehood, that want is still there but it becomes far more tolerable as you slowly find your own independence.

[shayla]

I've had to depend on myself from a very young age, and I can remember feeling this alot back then. Now, it seems that most everyone in my life look to me to be that person they can run to, and at times it's lonely for me.

 

In my last relationship, I remember my ex always saying that I didn't have to be so tough and that he would be there for me, but it didn't click until I read this thread.

 

Having that comfort for so many years and then not having it must be difficult. And it has to be hard in a long distance relationship because of not having the one you love right there with you.

[Els]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, LT. {{hugs}} You've been there for me so many times in my LDR, that I really wish I could do something to make you feel better. But I really don't have anything to offer, except lots of cyberhugs.

 

FWIW, I think you're experiencing a perfectly normal reaction to the current loneliness and stress. I do think it may help to try and focus on your current R instead of your previous marriage, however and whenever possible. And perhaps it may not take marriage to make you feel secure again. I'm certain that when you manage to bring the LDR together - heck, when the next visit comes, even - that you will find the security and intimacy and warmth that you need there. For now, perhaps some chocolates, pampering, and a good ol' phone conversation with your current partner?

 

All the best

[LittleTiger]

I know, I've been a long distance relationship myself... for 3 years, and the feeling of loneliness and abandonment is huge. At that time, I was also living in a different city, away from my family... maybe you should move to your partner's country? I know it's far away, but that's what I did... having said that, I was young (not that we are old at our age... ). Maybe all this stems from the security feeling one has in the womb...

 

Yes LDRs are tough and ours has become a little too tough for me to handle.

 

I also live a fair distance from my family and being in an LDR, plus the fact that my ex was virtually a walk-away husband, has made those feelings of abandonment and loneliness even more intense. I think abandonment by a spouse must be one of the most difficult situations to deal with. Having said that, what do I know about the alternatives? Thankfully nothing!

 

Our age, or more acurately, our current time of life is part of the problem. If at least one of us was unhindered by responsibilities, we could be together. As it is, we both have lives we can't walk out on and, due to the current global recession (and, on his side, a bloodsucking ex - yes I'm angry about that! ), financial problems that have gone off the scale since we first met. With everything that's going on, I'm starting to feel about 90!!!

[LittleTiger]

I felt the same way after my divorce and I was 34. I remember waking up in this little apartment, feeling the worst anxiety just wanting to go home eventhough I realized there was nothing to go home to. Some days I would second guess myself into believing it wasn't so bad and some days I knew it was the right thing to do. Knowing you at least had someone there whom you could possibly fall back on was my heart wanting to settle because I was in fear. I missed the familiarity and the security of having someone to lean on. It didn't help that I was alone, in a foreign country, no friends and feeling isolated. It's been 6 years since my divorce and having been on my own since then has had me sometimes longing for a safe place. It doesn't matter whether you're in the midst of leaving a marriage or far long into singlehood, that want is still there but it becomes far more tolerable as you slowly find your own independence.

 

Thanks for your reply geegirl. It does help to know that someone else has experienced the same feelings.

 

If I was now living in a 'little apartment' I might understand where these 'wanting to go home' feelings have come from, but I still live 'at home', in our family home.

 

My ex walked out taking virtually only the clothes on his back (plus his scuba-diving gear) and never looked back. He left everything else with me. Our house and everything in it, including books and CDs, our business, our cats (thank goodness!), even his car (although he came back for that ). He even left me to deal with various admin of his that he couldn't be bothered to sort. I still get one of his credit card statements delivered here (not a card he uses obviously) but I'm damned if I'm going to sort it for him. I even had to sort out the divorce by myself because he had left the UK - and he was the one who wanted it!

 

I wonder sometimes if still living here is what makes it so difficult for me sometimes. I would move house if I could, but finances and my business won't allow it. So I'm stuck living my old life (minus my exH of course) and it's impossible for me to move on into my new life with the man I want to be with.

 

I'm feeling just a little bitter about all of this right now!

[HeavenOrHell]

Yes, I feel the same, I miss it terribly, but you've probably gathered that!

 

Felt so bad about it yesterday, I couldn't stop crying.

 

I'm still in the house we shared together, it's got to the point I deal ok with living alone, or put up with it, I suppose, but I don't enjoy it. I still struggle with being 'abandoned' 2 1/2 years on, I still envy my ex's gf, and it has another sting, the fact she's an old friend of mine.

 

I envy those who have their partner to turn to every day for company, support, affection etc etc, and I want to be there for my partner also.

 

I have nowhere to call home, in the sense that you mean, that sense of well being and security, someone to turn to, someone you can rely on, someone to share everything with. I miss feeling nurtured, miss feeling togetherness.

 

Which is why I'm trying hard to be self reliant, turning more to work and friends, as I feel I've no choice. I no longer feel anyone (as in a partner) is reliable, I don't feel any r/ship is secure. Being self reliant doesn't make me happy though, but if I don't try then I'll just be even more unhappy.

[HeavenOrHell]

'Safe place' describes perfectly what me and my ex had for 18 years.

 

Realistically, I don't think it's something I'll have again.

 

So, that break up will affect me forever.

[LittleTiger]

I've had to depend on myself from a very young age, and I can remember feeling this alot back then. Now, it seems that most everyone in my life look to me to be that person they can run to, and at times it's lonely for me.

 

In my last relationship, I remember my ex always saying that I didn't have to be so tough and that he would be there for me, but it didn't click until I read this thread.

 

Having that comfort for so many years and then not having it must be difficult. And it has to be hard in a long distance relationship because of not having the one you love right there with you.

 

Your first paragraph really stood out for me shayla - I'm a bit like that too. I've always been the mediator or agony aunt or whatever else someone needed at the time. It's been like that since I was a child - I was always the strong one.

 

When I think about it now, being married to someone who was very supportive and acted as my rock was a massive relief for me. That's what I loved about being married - having someone who was always by my side to share the load.

 

After three and a half years I have got used to living alone but that feeling of having to be strong all the time has come back with a vengeance and I'm so tired of it. It's exacerbated by the fact that I'm currently having to be strong for my guy in NZ because his entire world is falling apart. I'm just not sure I have it in me to keep going.

[LittleTiger]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, LT. {{hugs}} You've been there for me so many times in my LDR, that I really wish I could do something to make you feel better. But I really don't have anything to offer, except lots of cyberhugs.

 

FWIW, I think you're experiencing a perfectly normal reaction to the current loneliness and stress. I do think it may help to try and focus on your current R instead of your previous marriage, however and whenever possible. And perhaps it may not take marriage to make you feel secure again. I'm certain that when you manage to bring the LDR together - heck, when the next visit comes, even - that you will find the security and intimacy and warmth that you need there. For now, perhaps some chocolates, pampering, and a good ol' phone conversation with your current partner?

 

All the best

 

Thanks Elswyth - especially for the hugs - even if they are cyberhugs!

 

I would love to be able to focus some positive energy on my 'current' relationship but, unfortunately, it's reached the point where the balance is very much on the side of negative - I've even attempted to end it twice .

 

None of it has anything to do with our relationship as such, we still love each other - it's all about the situation with his ex and custody battles over his daughter - his ex has virtually bankrupted him too. He has taken it all very badly - understandably, and as a result has become very.... erm....for want of a better word, 'difficult'!

 

The whole thing is a nightmare and I've become his 'rock', albeit from 12,000 miles. There is no security in it for me right now and, sadly, since I cancelled my trip I have no idea when, or even if, there will be another visit.

 

I don't have anyone to be a 'rock' for me because he's fighting so hard he has nothing left to give, even his time is limited these days. Once again, I feel abandonded.

 

There's a bit of a pattern going on here methinks - no wonder I'm feeling like a lost child!

 

I can certainly try the chocolates and pampering though as a short term 'pick me up' - it doesn't take much to persuade me to get stuck into the chocolates!

[HeavenOrHell]

It is hard having to try to be strong all the time, to cope alone most of the time, if we don't have a partner, or our partner isn't by our side. I don't think humans were 'designed' to be alone or totally self reliant, I feel I'm going against what I want and need, but not sure I have a choice, I won't necessarily have the (right) opportunity to live with a partner again.

 

I think the word 'lost' also describes how it feels when your soul mate leaves you.

[LittleTiger]

Yes, I feel the same, I miss it terribly, but you've probably gathered that!

 

Felt so bad about it yesterday, I couldn't stop crying.

 

I'm still in the house we shared together, it's got to the point I deal ok with living alone, or put up with it, I suppose, but I don't enjoy it. I still struggle with being 'abandoned' 2 1/2 years on, I still envy my ex's gf, and it has another sting, the fact she's an old friend of mine.

 

I envy those who have their partner to turn to every day for company, support, affection etc etc, and I want to be there for my partner also.

 

I have nowhere to call home, in the sense that you mean, that sense of well being and security, someone to turn to, someone you can rely on, someone to share everything with. I miss feeling nurtured, miss feeling togetherness.

 

Which is why I'm trying hard to be self reliant, turning more to work and friends, as I feel I've no choice. I no longer feel anyone (as in a partner) is reliable, I don't feel any r/ship is secure. Being self reliant doesn't make me happy though, but if I don't try then I'll just be even more unhappy.

 

I think we're in a similar boat HOH. I'm sorry you've been feeling so down. I have to say, although I wouldn't want him back, I don't think I could cope if I had to 'watch' my exH with his new wife on a regular basis. Watching him being happy when he left me in such a mess would make my blood boil.

 

I sometimes feel as though he has stolen my whole life - rather ironic considering he walked off with virtually nothing, in material terms anyway. Just shows how much what we shared together meant to him - not a lot apparently. It doesn't mean all that much to me either without someone to share it with though.

 

For me, the self reliance, work and friendship, whilst all being important in their own way, just don't/can't offer this 'safe haven' that I yearn for. I wish I could believe it was possible to feel really at home whilst living alone but, apart from my very early childhood, I think my married years were the only time I felt I had a place I could truly call 'home' - at least in the emotional sense.

[LittleTiger]

'Safe place' describes perfectly what me and my ex had for 18 years.

 

Realistically, I don't think it's something I'll have again.

 

So, that break up will affect me forever.

 

I think most people feel lasting effects after the break-up of a very long relationship - the trick is to move on and put the 'effects' away in a box. They will leak out occasionally, as is currently happening for me, but I do believe, for the most part, life goes on.

 

If things had been different (ie no recession, no ex from hell etc) I might have been feeling very at 'home' in NZ right now or at least very at 'home' somewhere in the world with him, but life is what it is.

 

Whatever happens, I prefer to believe that a 'safe haven' is something I can and will find again - I hope you do too HOH

[Mme. Chaucer]

I know what you are feeling, and I feel sad to hear it described. It's been a while since I've been there. You will be home again.

[xxoo]

Hi LT,

 

I've got nothing to offer but hugs. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

[giotto]

I think my married years were the only time I felt I had a place I could truly call 'home' - at least in the emotional sense.

 

I never had that! Our relationship's never been a safe harbour for me. It still isn't. I love my family and it makes me feel safe, but I never had that feeling of security in a relationship. So, in a way, although I can relate on many levels, that side is totally missing...

[Dust]

Where ever I want to live starts to feel like home. When I was in NYC area I started wanting to go home to Florida the place I had gone to HS. Now I don't know where home is. Felt a little lost lately. Home is where I hang my hat.

 

I remember when I was a kid I felt so vulnerable. I wanted to grow up and be a tough man and not have to worry. I grew up and I'm a big and strong man. I tower over most crowds. But sill I learned things can always hurt you and make you feel small.

 

You woke up from a dream and were still in the reality of the dream. It's interesting when that happens. Wonder what it means. Go home if you think it will help. obviously you can't go back to an ex who doesn't want you. But you do have a place that you'd consider home. Go there. Sorry your trip got cancled. You just need one to look foward to.

[LittleTiger]

I know what you are feeling, and I feel sad to hear it described. It's been a while since I've been there. You will be home again.

 

Hi LT,

 

I've got nothing to offer but hugs. I hope tomorrow is a brighter day!

 

Thank you to both of you - I really appreciate your kind words and support.

 

Today has definitely been brighter - the sun was even shining.

 

I went out for a three hour lunch with one of my best girlfriends. We laughed a lot and put the world to rights and it was a lot of fun. It's not quite the same feeling as being 'home' but was definitely a good respite for my weary soul......I then took myself for a walk up a mountain to 'blow off some cobwebs' and I feel much better this evening.

[LittleTiger]

I never had that! Our relationship's never been a safe harbour for me. It still isn't. I love my family and it makes me feel safe, but I never had that feeling of security in a relationship. So, in a way, although I can relate on many levels, that side is totally missing...

 

I'm so sorry giotto - that seems really sad. At least your family makes you feel safe so that's a good thing.

 

I married my exH precisely because of that special feeling of being 'home'. I even found it again with my kiwi man (at least until his ex started throwing spanners in our direction!) I guess I have just been very lucky!

[LittleTiger]

You woke up from a dream and were still in the reality of the dream. It's interesting when that happens. Wonder what it means. Go home if you think it will help. obviously you can't go back to an ex who doesn't want you. But you do have a place that you'd consider home. Go there. Sorry your trip got cancled. You just need one to look foward to.

 

Thanks for your reply Dust. I was dreaming about a past life - or at least a feeling from a past life - and I woke up with a very deep yearning to get that feeling back. My interpretation is that this feeling, which is essentially one of peace and security, is my highest priority in life.

 

I am already in the place that I would consider home so there is nowhere else, physically, that would feel better right now - but there is definitely something important missing. That 'something' is what I need to find again - and I will.

[xxoo]

Thank you to both of you - I really appreciate your kind words and support.

 

Today has definitely been brighter - the sun was even shining.

 

I went out for a three hour lunch with one of my best girlfriends. We laughed a lot and put the world to rights and it was a lot of fun. It's not quite the same feeling as being 'home' but was definitely a good respite for my weary soul......I then took myself for a walk up a mountain to 'blow off some cobwebs' and I feel much better this evening.

 

Glad to hear it!

 

I know exactly what you mean by "home". I hope you find that sense of home again soon

[giotto]

I'm so sorry giotto - that seems really sad. At least your family makes you feel safe so that's a good thing.

 

I married my exH precisely because of that special feeling of being 'home'. I even found it again with my kiwi man (at least until his ex started throwing spanners in our direction!) I guess I have just been very lucky!

 

Actually, I've been thinking about this and it's not entirely true. The first 10 years of our relationship were fine and I supposed I felt safe. The thing is, it was such a long time ago, I hardly remember it!

 

I'm glad you are feeling better...