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My wife has left me. where do i go from here


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Old 4th November 2011, 10:33 AM   #1
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My wife has left me. where do i go from here

Hello everyone.* I really need some help.* I will try and keep my story short but with as much information as possible.

8 weeks ago my wife of nearly 3 years (together 6) walked out on me.* I am completely devastated.* We had had a minor row and so she went to stay at her mums.* A week later she said it was over and she wouldn't be coming home.* I was in pieces.* The reasons she gave was she hadn't been happy for the last 2 years.* That we never did anything together.* That she was happier on her own.* She said she tried telling me but I wouldn't listen.* This came as a complete shock to me because we did talk several times and afterwards she seemed fine. We had financial problems which we were trying to sort out at the time.* I asked her to try marriage counselling but she refused saying it was too late.* A few days later she suggested the best option was for us both to leave our rented house as we could no longer afford the rent and once all the outstanding bills and debts were sorted we could look at our relationship.* This gave me hope.* I agreed to meet her at the house a few days later to discuss moving our things out and to discuss the debts and we ended up having sex.* Again this gave me hope.* A couple of days later we met again to begin packing our things.* She said what we did the other day was wrong and it wouldn't happen again.* This crushed me.* The next day her family and friends were due to help clear the house.* I said I couldn't face it and she said she understood.* A few days later she text to say the house was cleared and my things were left in the garage and the boot of the car.* I went back to the house a few days later to collect these things and I burst into tears.* I felt my life was over. We were in contact during the next week to discuss what to do with our dog. We had two dogs which she loved to bits but unfortunately one of them was killed by a car a month before we separated. This was a very hard time for us. After she left our remaining dog went to stay with my parents while I crashed on a friends sofa (Im still there) but they couldn't look after the dog for much longer. A mutual friend agreed re-home the dog so we arranged to meet and drop the dog off together. When we left the dog there was no emotion what so ever from my wife. This was highly strange. After this we spoke for a while and I ended up in tears again. She said she dosen't know what she wants but she did change her mind about going to MC which gave me hope yet again. So I booked us in for a session which we attended together. Only for her to say in front of the counsellor that she has already made up her mind and that it was over! I broke down. Another week went past until I decided to call her. I was trying to get a better understanding of how she can make such a big decision in such a short space of time. We both said some hurtful things but she insisted once again she was not interested in anyone else and she just wanted to be on her own. We agreed to stay committed to one another. She also said she loved me but did not want to be with me anymore? Over the next week I tried the friendly approach via text not mentioning us but just asking how she was etc and arranging a meet up (making out it was just to catch up) which she agreed to. This was arranged for the Wednesday but then the Sunday before things reached rock bottom. I found out that evening she had joined an online dating site a couple of weeks previous. I collapsed on the floor. How could she lie to me? How could she even consider dating someone else so soon? I phoned her in a state asking for an explanation. She said it was bad advice from her friends and she would remove it as it wasn't fair on me but reminded me that we are not together anymore and she can do what she wants! A couple of days later, the profile was still there. I asked her why? She said she had no internet access where she was and to stop pushing her. This was a lie because I knew for a fact she had accessed the site that day. I lost it and told her I never wanted to hear from her again and said she was a nasty, twisted, evil person. I did everything I could to avoid contact with her. But this week I've regretted it. How do I stand any chance of getting her back with no contact. I text her again this week to apologise for what I said and to work on being friends. I also pleaded with her to not consider dating anyone else so soon. She said she wasn't seeing anyone else but it was unfair to ask that of her and that she would do what's right for her!

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's only been 8 weeks. I wake up every morning thinking she is there with me. I think about her all day, I feel guilty then angry and confused. I remember all the good times and our wedding day like they were yesterday. And I can't get it out of my head the thought of being with someone else.
I've been to the doctors several times, even ending up in hospital because they were concerned about my mental state. I've lost weight because I'm not eating properly. I'm scared to go to bed because I can't sleep. I cry everyday. I built my life as a unit with her and she has destroyed it. I've lost my home, my dog, my dreams, I've almost lost my business because I've been unable to work. But worst of all I've lost my wife, best friend and soulmate. She was my life. Everything I did was for us both for a better future. I made mistakes as everyone does but I never deliberately hurt her. I never cheated or was aggressive. I love her so much. I believe marriage is for life and you try everything you can to save it but how can I change her mind? I made a commitment that I would always love her so how can I move on from this? Everyone tells me to keep busy but it doesn't work. My friends and family think she has lost her mind. I don't know what to do. Should I keep hoping? How do you move on whilst still hoping? Please can anyone help me? If you need more information please let me know. Apologies if any of this makes no sense.

Thank-you
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Old 4th November 2011, 4:50 PM   #2
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Thank-you Coopster. I will read your thread. I hope I get some advice soon. There are no real words to describe this pain. I hope your story ends up in a better place than where mine is.
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Old 4th November 2011, 4:52 PM   #3
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I'm so sorry that you're hurting. I think that you need to listen to the advice about keeping busy. If that sounds like too much, then make a list of the bare minimum that you need to do every day. For example, get up before noon, brush your teeth, wash your face, shave, comb your hair, put on some 'outside' clothes, make yourself one decent meal, take a 30 minute walk, drink plenty of water, go to sleep before midnight. The items on the list are the bare minimum every day.

If you really mean to get her back, you really need to be in a fit state, physically and emotionally. There will be other steps once you can do the bare minimum but for now, I think your list is what you should focus on.
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Old 4th November 2011, 6:34 PM   #4
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Can I paragraph the text once its posted? I've written it in quick desperation and wasn't thinking about how it was presented. I hope it still kind of makes sense.
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Old 5th November 2011, 1:24 AM   #5
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pb

Yeah, I too had my ballon dreams popped, so I know how devastating the last two months have been. In my case, I caught her with the OM, and when I confronted her, she ended up moving in with the OM, and then to pile more cr*p on the sandwich, the next door neighbor who had high hopes of getting in her pants, invited her and the OM over to party. We shared a bedroom wall, so I got to hear everything. So not only did I miss her, I had these images of them together playing through my mind.

My hole was so deep that I actually wondered whether it was possible that someday in the future I might laugh again. To ever be happy again was so far beyond reach, that I had a better chance of driving to the moon and back.

I am here to tell you that you will survive, and if you are smart you will learn from this experience, and someday in the future you will apply these lessons in you next relationship. And yes someday in the future you will be happy again.

Now to be blunt, give up on trying to get her back. Everything that you have tried has bounced back at you. When a wife walks away, trying to get her to see how wrong she is, begging her to come back, sending her cards and flowers, etc., do nothing but push her further away and make her even more determined. She loses even more respect for you, and she sees it as a way to try and control her.

In short what you have been doing is not working
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Old 5th November 2011, 2:08 AM   #6
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pb

At present you are facing a myriad of problems, and when you need your best friend to lean on and support you it turns out that she is your biggest problem and has now become an enemy.

I did not understand the power of the wedding vows, until my Ex and I separated. From an early age, when I learned about marriage and how once you take them vows there is not going back. I learned that "In sickness and in health", and "forsaking all others" had been tattoed on my soul. For now you have to face reality and detach from them. They are only dragging you down and making matter worse.

You are alone, use this to your advantage, show the world what kind of man you are and move on in life by yourself.

It is so easy to look back and say yesterday I had everything, look what I have lost. What you need to do is to turn you headlights from the past and concentrate on the future. You do this by improving on yourself. Making you a new and better you

Do you have any hobbies? If so use them to help keep your mind off of you situation.

Can you afford moving into an apartment? If so try to find one with lots of single people living there.
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Old 5th November 2011, 8:12 AM   #7
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Thanks everyone for your advice. I do know what I need to do but putting everything into practice is a different story. Much of the advice I've read on these threads is the same so I guess I just have to try. One thing that scares me tho is if I don't try and get her back she will move on thinking I don't want her back which is obviously not true. I've always been a great believer in if you want something bad enough then fight for it and you'll get it. that's always worked for me in the past but maybe that just doesn't work for marriages.
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Old 5th November 2011, 9:46 AM   #8
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Sorry dude I did not mean to leave you hanging, I have more to say, but LS could not process my next post to you. I took a nap and tried again only to fail.

Perhaps another time.
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Old 5th November 2011, 10:21 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by philbatch View Post
Thanks everyone for your advice. I do know what I need to do but putting everything into practice is a different story. Much of the advice I've read on these threads is the same so I guess I just have to try. One thing that scares me tho is if I don't try and get her back she will move on thinking I don't want her back which is obviously not true. I've always been a great believer in if you want something bad enough then fight for it and you'll get it. that's always worked for me in the past but maybe that just doesn't work for marriages.
I thought fighting for my wife would be the best thing to do because if the roles were reversed that's what I would want her to do. Well, turns out (as everyone is saying in every separation/divorce thread) that is the worst thing you can do. I made things 1000 times worse by doing that and killed any chance of fixing things.
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Old 5th November 2011, 4:20 PM   #10
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Thank-you marquee.
Just stopped off at the pub for a pint on way home from work. Started crying into my beer. I'm sick of this pain. Lots of family's and kids around cos its firework night. Reminded me of our plans for a family. Hard aswell because I have no family or friends here with me tonight. I feel like a shadow of my formal self. Just want to go to bed tonight and never wake up
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Old 5th November 2011, 8:39 PM   #11
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Look at the bright side there are no kids imvolved and you can start over. I asume she went to her mum because mum kicked out dad. Next time go for a girl who has mum and dad at home.
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Old 6th November 2011, 6:34 AM   #12
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phil

I'm sorry to hear about your situation mate. I moved out of my house in june after my wife decided she "couldn't do this anymore". You will get lots of advice and opinions here, some a bit dodgy but most are sound and they work, so be careful how you approach what you read.

Mate i suffered for ages and went through exactly what you're going through right now. If you weren't having these feelings then you're not human and you didn't love her as much as you thought you did.

The marriage is/was young and presumably still in the "honeymoon" phase so emotions will undoubtably be running riot. In my experience keeping contact with her added fuel to the flames of depression and only sunk me deeper in the sh*t pit. It will be hard, believe me, but i think the best thing for you to do is keep away and don't contact her. There's no quick fix for depression and i know the cogs in your head are going at a million miles an hr but do not contact her. The biggest question is "why?" and even now i still can't answer it and probably never will.

Your wife said she's been unhappy for 2 years, did you address why she was unhappy? I know money problems can be a b*stard in relationships, but was that the reason for her checking out of the marriage so soon? I appreciate that because of financial restrictions you couldn't go out much, etc. but what did you do together? Did you spend much time together, even doing nothing? Give us some more info.

You will suffer mate because all the men on here have and most have come out the other end. After nearly a year of being separated i'm starting to feel better and things have been easier but i still think of her and want to be with her. We have a daughter together so i still see her and therefore can't cut her off totally, but it has been easier for me. With time it will get easier for you.

It's all good to read advice and suggestions but when you turn off the computer and are only faced with four walls it's the hardest thing to pick up and do something. If you work, don't take time off. Go in and try and focus on the job. It will distract you for 8 or more hrs. Talk about your feelings with your mates and be honest about it. At least they will be there to give you an encouraging pat on the back or a hug. I saw a counsellor for about a month but found that talking to my mates and venting on here helped me perhaps more than the counsellor did.

Keep posting mate. We're here.
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Old 6th November 2011, 7:49 AM   #13
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I too believed that if you want something you should fight for it.

The problem is you are dealing with the mind of the wayward, and just about everything you do or say will be twisted around to make you look bad.

Example: Prior to and for the first few months after my marriage, we were very affectionate, there was lots of kissing, hugging, grabbing at each other, along with several "ILY's" every day. When ever we were out as a couple, say shopping, we were holding hands, and if we weren't holding hands, her arm was interloped with mine.

When the marriage began to fall apart, the wayward mind, interpreted the kissing, hugging, hand holding and "ILY's", as me being clingy. She even stated, we are married, I know you love me, so a single "I Love You" is all I want. In her twisted mind she saw multiple "ILY's" as being needy.

Every time I tried to do something nice and show her my love for her, she interpreted is as my trying to smother her.

Every time I disagreed with her, I was being controlling.
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Old 6th November 2011, 7:49 AM   #14
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Thanks Tiberius but I think thats irrelevant.
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Old 6th November 2011, 7:58 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by 2.50 a gallon View Post
pb

I too believed that if you want something you should fight for it.

The problem is you are dealing with the mind of the wayward, and just about everything you do or say will be twisted around to make you look bad.

Example: Prior to and for the first few months after my marriage, we were very affectionate, there was lots of kissing, hugging, grabbing at each other, along with several "ILY's" every day. When ever we were out as a couple, say shopping, we were holding hands, and if we weren't holding hands, her arm was interloped with mine.

When the marriage began to fall apart, the wayward mind, interpreted the kissing, hugging, hand holding and "ILY's", as me being clingy. She even stated, we are married, I know you love me, so a single "I Love You" is all I want. In her twisted mind she saw multiple "ILY's" as being needy.

Every time I tried to do something nice and show her my love for her, she interpreted is as my trying to smother her.

Every time I disagreed with her, I was being controlling.
Thank-you 250 your posts have been really appreciated.

I just can't but think if I called her and came across as a friend who cares, and didn't talk about us in anyway and gave the 'impression' that I was moving on then, she might think twice about what she has done. Of course it will all be fake on my part but It could be a foundation on which to get her back. Lots of people say I should show her that I'm stronger emotionally and physically to stand any chance of getting her back but how can I do that with no contact?
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