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Wife Wants To Separate so What Do I Do


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Old 29th October 2011, 11:47 PM   #1
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Wife Wants To Separate so What Do I Do

I just found this forum tonight and I'm hoping to get some perspective. My wife and I have been together about 14 years, married for 8. We have one son, who will soon turn 10 months old. My wife is wanting to separate and I don't know what to do.

She was in her mid 20s and I was in my late 20s (we're about 4.5 years apart) when we got married. From the very beginning there's been tension between my family and her. She never felt accepted by the family and I feel like I didn't stand up for her enough. She also went through a period where she couldn't find work in our city and we stayed because I had a good job. My work would allow me to go just about anywhere but hers is more specific. Rather than moving to a new, bigger city I reasoned at the time that since I had a steady job and could provide for the family it would be better if we stayed and she kept looking. The family and work situations have both led to a lot of hurt and resentment on her part.

She struggled for about 5 years to get pregnant. We were to the point that we were starting to look into adoption when we got the good news. All of the pain that comes along with infertility really shook her self confidence.

In the last couple of years she has had feelings for another man, a married guy that she works with that she feels more compatible with. She feels that he shows her the attention that I don't. (I'm not exactly the most touchy-feely or romantic guy.) She told me about this before anything physical happened between them. Since then she has been with him "in a biblical sense" a few times. I've tried to live with it but it's not easy.

We've been talking (a lot) over these last few years and she's gotten to the point that she says she needs some clarity to figure out how she feels. I've tried to give her some space to do this with both of us being under the same roof (and you can guess how well that is working) but we're to the point that she wants to physically separate.

This physical separation is pretty much going to happen so what I want to know is

1. Would it make sense for both of us to go to counseling together? We've gone individually over the years when we felt like we needed a "tune up" on our own, but we've never gone together.
2. What am I supposed to be doing during this separation? She wants time for clarity and all I want is as much time with her as possible. When she's happy she is the most incredible woman in the world and I would do anything for her. The problem is I didn't do those things when I could/should have before.
3. Does my marriage stand a chance or should we just cut to the chase and draw up the papers? Separation just feels like a step towards something inevitable.

Thank you for taking the time to read all of this. I've cut out a lot of the history but tried to hit the high points.
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Old 30th October 2011, 3:01 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by not_my_real_name View Post
In the last couple of years she has had feelings for another man, a married guy that she works with that she feels more compatible with. She feels that he shows her the attention that I don't. (I'm not exactly the most touchy-feely or romantic guy.) She told me about this before anything physical happened between them. Since then she has been with him "in a biblical sense" a few times. I've tried to live with it but it's not easy..
The question is, are you ok living in an open marriage because that's what this is?

I think you need to get a paternity test on the baby, call up this OM's Wife, tell her what's going on, get tested for STD's. Pack your wife's stuff in boxes, throw her out and lawyer up.

I think you also need to go to counselling, for you to allow this to happenn for so long. You need to get the self confidence and self respect to stand up to people.
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Old 30th October 2011, 9:27 AM   #3
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nmrn

Your wife is screwing her married co-worker.

There is zero chance that the two of you can patch things up as long as she is still in contact with the OM. Until there is no contact for life between the two of them MC is totally a waste of money, time and emotions

"We need to separate so I can think things out" is short for she wants you to move out so she can start bringing the OM to your home and your bed

As it stands, your wife has lost all her respect for you and your marriage has little chance of recovering. There is a chance that you can recover if you blow up the affair.

The OM is married, have you exposed the affair to the OM's wife? If not do so

They are co-workers, time to expose the affair there also. One or other has to quit before you marriage has any chance to survive.

As for the moving out, let her move, in some states if you move out she can claim that you abandoned her and the child

Time to quit being a doormat
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Old 30th October 2011, 9:33 AM   #4
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you're obviously not ok with this. Is it love to allow your wife to be banged by someone else? Is she showing you any love or respect by allowing this to happen. She's obviously enjoying the situation, keeping you hanging on while she has sex with another man, all the while knowing you'll hang on like the chivalrous knight you are hoping to patch things up with your marriage.
So really, do you think she's going to give this guy up and suddenly commit to you 100%?
I'd say this marriage is over and the minute you start showing you are serious about splitting up, the fog will clear and she'll try to put things right with you, all the while hoping to still keep her f*ck buddy.
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Old 30th October 2011, 12:10 PM   #5
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One of the biggest hurdles you'll need to overcome is having allowing it for so long. It's only an open marriage if both partners are free to sleep around.

By not leaving or asking her to leave when the news of her 'changed feelings' surfaced you gave it your stamp of approval. IMO, you've done no one any favors by being so understanding and sympathetic. She has you convinced that she's emptied herself...despite your many issues and her many sacrifices. She's spoiled, twisted and cruel. She's a bad wife.

Marriage counseling is only for couples who desire to save the marriage, not those looking for reasons to save it. I know you love her but the relationship is hollow; useless. Stop trying to please her and focus on the kind of life you want to live. Happiness in marriage is made by two people who desire to be together; not tolerated. Let her go and move on.
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Old 30th October 2011, 2:19 PM   #6
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not my real name,

Your marriage is over. You need to file for a divorce and move on.

my 2 cents
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Old 30th October 2011, 3:25 PM   #7
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OP - sadly your story is one that has been told numerous times here... you have already been given some good advice... you need to man-up and move on, she's done with you... and if there is ANY chance of things working out and you two reconciling moving on is the first step, she needs to see that you will NOT tolerate her behavior...
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