Keeping things amicable...

[Severely Unamused]

My story is over in the infidelity forum if anyone is curious. Kinda long though. Anyway, considering that I'll be spending the rest of this year trudging through a divorce, I've been spending a lot of time thinking.

 

How do you keep things amicable during and after a divorce?

 

Obviously it depends on the individual couple for one thing. But even then, I've seen a lot of people change entirely during the process.

 

When I look at my family, friends and co-worker's experiences, I'd say that over half of them end up being quite bitter and almost spiteful about it. Makes sense: There's a lot of emotions flying around the place. And it is ultimately a representation of the collapse of the status quo for many. Then there is that air of awkwardness when somebody meets up with their ex. On the reverse side there are the cases where the couple clearly shouldn't have split in the first place, which I can't say is that much better since it just further complicates things.

 

I've been talking to my husband about it and he says that sh*t throwing is pretty much inevitable, and it's unlikely that we will ever have our old friendship back after all we have been through. I guess I want to avoid all of that. I'd be losing a good friend.

Edited August 26, 2011 by Severely Unamused
Tired.

[Craig2425]

I don't see how you could still be friends

[Severely Unamused]

I don't see how you could still be friends

 

That's basically what my husband said.

 

But then again, I've seen divorcees that have mantained platonic friendships with each other without too much trouble. I would love that.

[AudentesFortuna]

I don't see how exes can be friends. It feels like such an unbalanced relationship. I feel that they are only friends because one of them is still holding on and hoping for an eventual reconciliation.

[jstobo]

I haven't seen your other post, so I don't know if you're the BS or the WS. I'm the BS and I find it extremely difficult to be friends. Whenever I pick the kids up or she drops them off, I have tremendous anxiety and I just want to get away. We've been living apart for 6 months now. We don't sh*t throw though. I guess in my world, amicable means we don't fight and try to make each others life miserable. Although there have been times I really want to make her life hell. Since she is the WS, she tries to be extremely kind and I have to admit, she has been exactly that. I have no intentions of being friends with her or having lengthy conversations with her. But I also try not to be a jerk when I do have to communicate with her. That's the best I can give.

[Craig2425]

I don't see how exes can be friends. It feels like such an unbalanced relationship. I feel that they are only friends because one of them is still holding on and hoping for an eventual reconciliation.

 

This is true. I think thats why my w parents are still friends. One of them would like to be a family again while the other is being selfish because they want to stay friends.

 

Maybe it's just me. But right now my wife is my bestfriend and bestfriends don't do what my w is doing to me.

She wants friends she's got some. I'm NLT gonna have my family ripped apart then say hey let's hangout and how's your bf? Oh that's good I'm happy for you.

Not for me.

[Craig2425]

I haven't seen your other post, so I don't know if you're the BS or the WS. I'm the BS and I find it extremely difficult to be friends. Whenever I pick the kids up or she drops them off, I have tremendous anxiety and I just want to get away. We've been living apart for 6 months now. We don't sh*t throw though. I guess in my world, amicable means we don't fight and try to make each others life miserable. Although there have been times I really want to make her life hell. Since she is the WS, she tries to be extremely kind and I have to admit, she has been exactly that. I have no intentions of being friends with her or having lengthy conversations with her. But I also try not to be a jerk when I do have to communicate with her. That's the best I can give.

 

I would say this is probably more so for the kids then anything else. Or maybe just because you're done arguing with a wall.

[AudentesFortuna]

This is true. I think thats why my w parents are still friends. One of them would like to be a family again while the other is being selfish because they want to stay friends.

 

Maybe it's just me. But right now my wife is my bestfriend and bestfriends don't do what my w is doing to me.

She wants friends she's got some. I'm NLT gonna have my family ripped apart then say hey let's hangout and how's your bf? Oh that's good I'm happy for you.

Not for me.

 

My stbx would just LOVE it if we stayed friends. She gave me the whole "we are best friends" speech and has told me how she misses talking to me. If we were to stay friends, she would benefit the most as she would get my emotional support while going through the divorce and when she is good and ready, I am certain she would drop me and go to her online bf. I don't think so. Like I told her, "we will be husband and wife or we will be nothing".

[Severely Unamused]

I feel that they are only friends because one of them is still holding on and hoping for an eventual reconciliation.

I think that this is true in my case. My husband wants reconciliation. I don't.

 

Depressing.

 

I would say this is probably more so for the kids then anything else.

True. Even if the marriage does go up in flames, I wouldn't want the parent-child relationship to go with it. Edited August 26, 2011 by Severely Unamused

[Craig2425]

I think that this is true in my case. My husband wants reconciliation. I don't.

 

Depressing.

 

True. Even if the marriage does go up in flames, I wouldn't want the parent-child relationship to go with it.

You wouldn't need to be friends for that. You guys could civil in front of the kid(s) but friends? I couldn't and wont do it.

Like the other poster said, we are either husband and wife or nothing.

Edited August 26, 2011 by Craig2425

[Severely Unamused]

You wouldn't need to be friends for that. You guys could civil in front of the kid(s) but friends? I couldn't and wont do it.

Like the other poster said, we are either husband and wife or nothing.

 

That is actually in line with what my husband said.

 

Still, we'd be better co-parents if we were still able to be friends IMO. I think that it is a shame that a friendship lasting over 2 decades has to end like this. But his feelings are his, I suppose.

[DeusExMachina]

Still, we'd be better co-parents if we were still able to be friends IMO. I think that it is a shame that a friendship lasting over 2 decades has to end like this. But his feelings are his, I suppose.

 

I take it you are the one who wants the divorce?

[Severely Unamused]

I take it you are the one who wants the divorce?

 

Yes. Yes I am.

[dreamingoftigers]

My husband had the friendship idea too.

 

I think it really spooked him that we might lose that.

 

Ever, ever weird some people.

 

When I think friendship I think camping, working out, cafes, fun times.

 

Not, "oh hey, so remember how you used to **** on my heart? So how's the new gf?"

[BlindRage]

Yes. Yes I am.

 

So... why are you on this board? Since you're the one who's leaving your spouse, why do you need support?

 

This isn't intended to sound jerkish. Just an honest question

[dreamingoftigers]

I'll be on here too when I finally get the balls and wherewithal to leave.

[BlindRage]

I'll be on here too when I finally get the balls and wherewithal to leave.

 

 

But why?

[dreamingoftigers]

Because going through a divorce is sucky and complicated even if you are the one initiating it.

 

In my case, I have felt conflicted right the while way through. I am more scared of going through a divorce or being divorced then I am about being alone or ending the actual relationship.

 

The idea of the divorce itself is completely overwhelming.

[itllgetbetter]

DOT: You might actually be surprised but being alone's difficult - not so much "being alone" but knowing that H's not coming home at the end of the day, won't be there in the morning, won't be there on a Friday night to wind up the work week, won't have nice breakfasts on the weekend, won't be there to do something with on the weekend - basically, the loss of companionship/friendship is very difficult to deal with. To be clear, I've always been fairly independent. My H worked long hours (rarely home before 7:30 pm and worked one day on weekend), so, I was used to being alone much of the time - what was different was knowing at the end of the day, he'd be coming home.

 

Are you SURE you can't work things out and that D is the solution?

[Craig2425]

Best friends wouldn't hurt people the way their spouses

Are hurting them. If my best friend started to hurt me like this I'd kick the **** out of him and not want to be around him either.

Why would you want to stay friends with someone who hurts you?

Like i said, you can be civil in front of the kids without having to be friends.

 

Think about what you're putting your husband thru, how hurt he is. How would you feel if one of your friends were making you feel like that?

Except it's a life long hurt because now it's affecting his time with his kids.

I think you're being selfish IMO.

 

One might even say cake eating?

Edited August 27, 2011 by Craig2425

[dreamingoftigers]

DOT: You might actually be surprised but being alone's difficult - not so much "being alone" but knowing that H's not coming home at the end of the day, won't be there in the morning, won't be there on a Friday night to wind up the work week, won't have nice breakfasts on the weekend, won't be there to do something with on the weekend - basically, the loss of companionship/friendship is very difficult to deal with. To be clear, I've always been fairly independent. My H worked long hours (rarely home before 7:30 pm and worked one day on weekend), so, I was used to being alone much of the time - what was different was knowing at the end of the day, he'd be coming home.

 

Are you SURE you can't work things out and that D is the solution?

 

I was alone for four months while he was in treatment, we weren't sure if he was coming back. figured he wasn't felt 10 times better.

[Severely Unamused]

So... why are you on this board? Since you're the one who's leaving your spouse, why do you need support?

 

This isn't intended to sound jerkish. Just an honest question

 

That is a good question. The answer is below.

 

Because going through a divorce is sucky and complicated even if you are the one initiating it.

.....

The idea of the divorce itself is completely overwhelming.

Very well said DoT. My thoughts exactly.

 

I think you're being selfish IMO.

 

 

One might even say cake eating?

How so?

[Craig2425]

You don't want your marriage and husband does? Wants to work on it?

You still want to be his friend because you don't want to lose that part. What about your husband?

So you get to choose the marriage is over and you expect him to be your best friend.

Lots of wants on your side.

 

Did he cheat on you? Did he beat you?

Or is this a case of him not meeting your needs and you got sick of it?

Have you guys gone to counseling?

Did you "really try" and work things out?

 

I'm assuming he didn't cheat or beat you as you still want to be his friend.

[dreamingoftigers]

I was alone for four months while he was in treatment, we weren't sure if he was coming back. figured he wasn't felt 10 times better.

 

He can't seem to be interested enough to quit his Sexual Addiction. Refuses most recovery measures. Basically sexless and the stuff I do get is pretty empty (with the exception of ONCE this year). Neglectful, unstable job and work history, has stolen money from me previously (we argue about this). Really hard on the self-worth and it affects my bond with my daughter. Didn't buy Christmas presents or save money to pay the electric bill, but stashed money from jobs to buy himself a brand new laptop that he hid in the garage to use to hook up with other women. Couldn't sleep at night for two years.

 

Am doing six months of 180 to confirm, but am at the last of it. Has been going on for at least 3 years. Brutal, brutal awfulness. I am Mormon, would do anything to not divorce. Very very hard on my self-esteem. Only comfort I can give myself is that I have done all that I can, including sending him to treatment that I couldn't afford.

 

Have been terrified to be alone previously, very very insecure about it but managed to have to face that fear when I caught him jerking it at McDonald's on a public wireless connection. Kicked him out. Spent that time rebuilding my self-esteem, working out, lifting weights, bonding with my little one and reading. Took awhile. Slept better at night.

 

He came back and started going out all night and had a drinking binge. Trust me, D is last option, absolute last. Unfortunately, sometimes we run out of other options (with the exception of becoming or staying horribly codependent.)

 

Alone is better, alone is stable, comfortable and not blatantly disregarding yourself. I felt so alone one night that I nearly gave up and gave in. That's when I realized that I haven't been alone the whole time. I had a Heavenly Father who wanted me to be happy. Best I ever felt. God and friends to keep my company. I can sleep through the night now.

[dreamingoftigers]

You don't want your marriage and husband does? Wants to work on it?

You still want to be his friend because you don't want to lose that part. What about your husband?

So you get to choose the marriage is over and you expect him to be your best friend.

Lots of wants on your side.

 

Did he cheat on you? Did he beat you?

Or is this a case of him not meeting your needs and you got sick of it?

Have you guys gone to counseling?

Did you "really try" and work things out?

 

I'm assuming he didn't cheat or beat you as you still want to be his friend.

 

I am not sure which of us you are talking to

 

SU's husband cheated and then left to be with OW, now he wants to work on things.

 

My H is described in the post above.