Lucid1 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I saw that quote in one of the threads and can't find it now, but thanks to whomever wrote it. I'm a newby here and don't know everyone or all the stories, but man, what a great resource. It's amazing to see how many others are struggling with the same nightmare I'm living. I'm freshly and suddenly divorced after 20 years together, 13 married, one adopted son, and even though she's deep into the contempt that Gottman describes, I just cannot make myself give up. I believed for 20 years, from the first day I saw her, than she was my soulmate and she believed that too, at least at first. I can't shut that off. I also can't shut off my love for my son, which somehow keeps reminding me that reconciliation would be best for him. My brain tells me reconciliation is not going to happen, my heart still is fooled. It's pure self-torture, agonizing and useless, but that last spark hasn't died yet. I haven't had a good nights sleep in two years, since this started, because of that. It causes us to fight almost every time we speak. My once cheerful personality has been warped like a candle left in the sun. It sucks. Many others here in the forum have put it better than I can. So the question is, when am I going to get some relief? When is that damn spark going to go out and relieve the pain? Every time I have to see her when we trade the kid off it reignites a tiny bit. It's like eating glass over and over. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 i know man its horrible. we're taught to never quit, to try and reason with and compromise with people.. but in this situation, you just have to know if your wife has made up her mind to end it, there is most likely nothing you can do to change her mind, so trying is futile and will just make things 100x worse. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer203 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I think every thread here could be titled "Horrible Rollercoaster"... haha - I am not at the divorce stage, but I have dealt with my wife leaving me. You will start to feel better it's a guarantee. Don't lose sight of the future and on your child. Those two things will get you through. No situation is permanent, just try to better yourself, exercise, socialize and get out there in the world, do what you love. In time you will be stronger. Good luck and keep posting. Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I think every thread here could be titled "Horrible Rollercoaster"... haha - I am not at the divorce stage i think its time to file on her. seriously. you don't have to wait around for a year because of kids, so just do it! blindside her. maybe she'll wake the F up, maybe she won't. Link to post Share on other sites
Finch Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I am going to respond only to one part of your post. I am not/have not been married, but my parents began the separation process when I was about 11. I don't believe that reconciliation is necessarily best for children. What children need (what I needed as a child) was to have two parents who put my needs ahead of their own desire to fight, blame, and criticize. If you want what is best for your son you need to be a strong parent. You need to pick yourself up and work on being as secure, strong, and well (both mentally and physically) on your own as you can be. When they finally finalized things, when the tension ended, and when my father moved out for good there was a huge sense of relief. My siblings and I were much happier and more at ease. We lived with our mother and saw our father on the weekends. My parents had almost no contact at first because it resulted in arguments. The two of them not seeing each other or speaking was actually better for us as kids. We have discussed it as adults, and we all share the same feeling that our parents divorcing and cutting off contact with each other but continuing to put us first was probably one of the best things they did, both for themselves and for us. Link to post Share on other sites
Lexygirl Posted July 28, 2011 Share Posted July 28, 2011 I think that 'last spark' is you only seeing the good in your relationship and in her especially when you think about the past. Thing is.. the past is gone. Things are different. You are stuck in the denial stage of grieving... Google 'the 5 stages of grief' and you will see that denial is one of them but there are 4 others that ppl go back and forth with until eventually the last one is acceptance. The acceptance one is the key for you. You need to give yourself permission to let the other stages come in and embrace them. That is the only way you can move on. I have grieved over various things in my life and I know this to be true. Have you spoken with a good therapist who can help you work through it all? A good therapist will let you vent, help you make sense of everything and then guide you on a new path in life and help you let go of what is over. Sorry you are going through this and welcome to LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Stella44 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Thank you Finch for that comment. That is a serious relief for all of us trying to do the right thing and put our children first. Sometimes that means putting the relationship second and ending it if it's unhealthy. Best of luck Lucid. It does get easier to see the person but it is helpful to minimize contact for awhile. I also heard that it was a good idea to concentrate on the negative when you are about to meet your ex. Not to be horrible but to ensure that our rose tinted glasses are firmly off. This is working pretty well for me but one tip. Do not meet near large knives.. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Lucid1 Posted July 29, 2011 Author Share Posted July 29, 2011 Thank you everyone. Finch, that's profound. Thanks. Yes, I'm seeing a therapist whom I think is pretty good and it helps; every visit I walk out feeling like I just took a Valium. If only the feeling lasted... Seriously, thanks for the support. I've had support from surprising places, old girlfriends have called, people I have met briefly have called with support, it's really helped. Reading some of the posts here has been really moving and helpful at the same time. And today I bought a 2008 Mustang convertible just so I'd have something to grin about. Some road trips are in my future. Link to post Share on other sites
Stella44 Posted July 29, 2011 Share Posted July 29, 2011 Good for you Lucid! Who could be depressed in a Mustang Convertible?! Enjoy! Link to post Share on other sites
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