Not too surprised but very sad

[Natalie333]

I need some advice regarding a recent relationship I was just involved in...please.

 

We are both lawyers and we met in court (we live 1.5 hours away from each other). Instant chemistry. I was going thru my divorce and contacted him about a month after I met him. He was divorced about one year when we met. From the moment we started talking... he spoke of his ex with "hatred and anger." She had cheated on him. He has a four year old son and I have a three year old daughter.

 

Once we went on our first date- things took off. We would see each other 1-2 times a week and had a great time. Our kids met. Then, after spending the day together earlier last month things changed. He started to get distant. During this whole time, he continuously spoke about his ex wife, he also mentioned that her wedding (to the guy she cheated on him with) was coming up. Did I mention she cheated while his best friend, Dad, was dying?

 

I dealt with the distance for about a week and a half. We had been dating about 3 months at this time. I then told him that I get the hint and he indicated that "I've been wonderful." He is just not sure if he is ready and feels that I'm pushing him to "define" the relationship. I said I just want to have fun with you. I'm recently divorced as well. Things got better. I heard I miss you when we didn't see each other. THEN, we saw each other. He seemed really good but distracted during sex. He got upset (because he was not able to maintain his erection) and I knew that things were going to change for the worse. He said he never had a problem until this whole thing (the divorce). We had not had a problem before this day.

 

Yet, after he left he texted me and said how much he enjoyed seeing me. We continued to talk and next thing I know his mom is in the ER. I talked to him and told him I hope she gets better and to keep me posted. I never heard from him - I left him two messages. He was short with me the whole next day. Then when I woke up the following morning - i saw a message canceling our plans for the weekend. So, I laid it out and said how much I enjoyed our time but if he needs a break to please tell me. I'd rather know than be in a limbo state. He said he is having a lot of personal problems and family problems and he thought he was ready to date again but he knows he is not. He said he needed a break to sort things out and that he did not expect me to wait but would like to end things on a positive note and possibly see me again "a little later." He apologized for being such pus**y with his divorce issues. He really thought he was ready but his "family and personal issues were taking over."

 

So- here's the deal - he is a great guy. He is an amazing dad. Loves his family. Ex wife is getting remarried to the guy she cheated on him with (who is then going to be a parent to his son), his mom is very ill, he is having sexual issues and is still in the hate phase with his ex.

 

I know I need to give him his space and I have. This is the first time in 4 months we have not talked in 2 days. How much time does a man typically need to get thru something like this? How much time should I give him. I don't want to lose contact with him. We live too far to let it just fade. I felt a strong connection and i know he felt strongly about me as well. He is such a good guy. My thoughts were to send him a text next week and just ask how his mom is doing... nothing more - to show I care. Or should i text him sooner? Or not at all and wait to hear from him?

 

Thanks.

[coolheadal]

What are you doing this weekend? Why not go up there and cook a good meal for him. Take it easy with him. As I am heading for that type of hurting in very soon. Everyone going to act differently when they just loose their wife. I am sure the same happen with your and your husband. Takes time to recover. Since the weather is nice head out to him and take him to a nice place where he can relax. Beach front or cabin. Just be there as a close friend at first. Again just takes thing one step at a time. This is what I would do if I was in your shoes.

 

Being patient is the key to success here!

[Natalie333]

Thanks Coolheadal. The problem is he said "all of these issues, both personal and family, have taken over my life. I have enjoyed our time, but I need a break to sort some things out. ...but I do hope we part on terms that would not prevent us from possibly giving this a shot a little later." This makes me think I need to leave him alone.

 

Maybe he needs to miss me. That's why I thought I'd give him the weekend and the 4th to think about things. Then maybe send him a text on Tuesday to see how is Mom is doing - to let him know I'm thinking about him and I care.

 

Do you think I should contact him sooner? Those words above are pretty clear to me.

[Clubman35]

I would suggest that you offer to be there to listen whenever he needs an ear. I would tell him that once, and then drop it. Maybe offer to help him out with any chores or business that he may need to take care of but is too busy to while taking care of his mother.... I think it would show that you care about him, and that you're thinking of him. I know it may be a pain in the ass to actually do it, but it could remove some stress from him..... which could really go along way, in my opinion. I wouldn't pester him about your relationship, but by helping him out during these tough times, you'd be improving your relationship without him actually realizing it. You know what I always liked when I was having a tough time taking care of my mother when she was dying of cancer? My wife (that bitch... sorry. Those words just seem to go together lately), would text me a smiley face... that's it, just a smiley face..... I loved receiving them. Just showed me that she was thinking about me. So, that's what I would do.... or maybe not. Hell, what do I know?

[Steen719]

Natalie...If you want him to know you are thinking of him..just text and say "I was thinking about you and I hope your Mom is doing better"

 

You are letting him know you are thinking about him, but not requiring that he answer. If he wants to answer you, he will. I think that if he does not answer you, he is not ready for any kind of relationship right now.

 

Don't get mad here....but maybe a little distance is good for you both. He sounds like he has a lot on his plate. I hope you didn't meet him too early.

 

Good luck.

[2.50 a gallon]

Give him his space. To push at this point will probably drive him further away and possibly for good

 

Everybody is different, some take years to heal and there are different levels of healing. And it can get very complicating. I know that some of the guys on this board have been here for over a year and still not ready to date.

 

I am guessing that his problems maybe be similar to what I experienced. Some would say that I was a quick healer as I began dating within a month after the break up.

 

As for the sex, I had a problem with maintaining an erection if the partner was single. Then a second problem if I did get excited I could not climax, I was always a long stayer, but this was ridiculus, as i could go for hours and almost get close. Lots of frustration.

 

The problem was the mental images of my wife having sex with the OM, discusting, sickening, almost enough to turn me off from sex for life

 

But it was a different story if my partner was married. Then I was back to my old self again.

 

That is until when I got interested in one of my married partners and she with me. She definitely wanted our relationship to grow, and the minute I too began to feel the same I got scared, the E. D. problem reared its head and I began pulling back

 

Now comes the sad and possibly discouraging part. I was terrified of ever being that badly hurt again and it took me years, more than a decade to get over it and let love in again.

 

Over the first 8 years I think I met and ran from at least half a dozen women who had great potential

 

At about the 8 year mark I met and began an on again / off again relationship that lasted for many years. She was full of potential, intelligent, beautiful and very rich. Every time I started to fall I hauled.

 

When she offered a 2 week all expenses paid trip to Tahiti, it scared me so bad that I packed my belongings and moved back to my home town a thousand miles away.

Edited July 2, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon
missing sentence

[Natalie333]

Thanks guys. I hear you. My plan is to leave him alone today... It's Saturday and give him time to think and take care of his things/issues. Tomorrow evening... If I don't hear from him... I will send him a text saying exactly that... Been thinking about you, how's your mom?

 

I guess I'll take it from there. I think it's important to touch base every once in awhile to let him know I'm here and I care.

[tobydog1]

Hi Nat

 

All good advice here and I can only reiterate the same.

 

Do not crowd him at all, he has too many things to sort out and resolve.

 

Men and women hate being pushed when they are not ready: it can be irritating and push them away further......

 

Just send him a text in a few days, cool and calm and merely friendly: ask about his Mum and just say *here if you need a chat*

 

Hope it all works out!

 

Dx

[BeavisMom62]

It doesn't seem as if he is ready for a relationship yet. Personally, I would just break it off and go on with your life. If and when he is ready for a relationship, tell him to give you a call. He has too much on his plate right now. Life is too short for drama. You have too much to give to waste your time with him. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I'd let it go. Even if he was ready or thought he was ready for a relationship right now, you are going to get drawn in to his drama.

 

I remember when I was going through my first divorce, I was SO not ready for another man yet, but I was lonely and didn't know myself real well. I met someone through a singles ad, I think. We spoke on the phone and I didn't realize it til later, but my whole conversation involved my ex, my hurt, what a jerk he was, bla, bla, bla. Well, the man I was speaking to turned out to be a psychologist and he obviously knew what he would be in for with me. He was truthful and told me that he wasn't interested and that I wasn't ready. It hurt, but the truth sometimes does.

 

Do you really want your relationship to consist of listening to him gripe about his ex, trying to sooth his feelings, deal with his drama? I wouldn't.

[Natalie333]

Well, about an hour ago I texted him telling him I was thinking about him and hoped his mom was feeling better.... Nothing.

[buster2209]

He sounds like a good guy. He explained his feelings pretty succinctly;

 

He said he is having a lot of personal problems and family problems and he thought he was ready to date again but he knows he is not. He said he needed a break to sort things out and that he did not expect me to wait but would like to end things on a positive note and possibly see me again "a little later." He apologized for being such pus**y with his divorce issues. He really thought he was ready but his "family and personal issues were taking over."

 

How much time should I give him.

 

Poor guy is in pain and he is the only one who can get through this. Wait for him to contact you. I know that's hard but if he has feelings for you, he eventually will.

 

I'm going through a similar thing to what he is feeling at the mo and recently had to put the anchors on with someone. She understood and I respect her more for leaving me alone. She let me know she's there for me and I can talk to her anytime.

 

Poor sod. What a bitch his ex-wife sounds like.

[Steen719]

Well, about an hour ago I texted him telling him I was thinking about him and hoped his mom was feeling better.... Nothing.

 

Well, it hasn't been that long, but if he does not answer you..just let it go. It sounds to me as if he just has way too much going on right now and you don't want to add more pressure. IMO, he will feel pressured if you do anything else and if he is thinking that when his crisis is over, he will want to see you; that may push him away. Think back to when you have wanted space and did not get it and remember what it felt like. Good luck.

[Natalie333]

Thank you. It may have been too soon - 2.5 days- to text him but I felt it was important to tell him I'm hoping his mom is feeling better. I will not text him or contact him for awhile if at all now. I did write him a letter, didn't email it, but in it I said that i know he's not ready and I wish he would have told me when he started backing away but now that he did I respect his wishes. I also said that I've realized I'm not ready either. I'm more recently divorced and over that but I shouldn't be diving full force into a new relationship either. We started intensly and probably should have taken it more slowly. If he wants time, with no contact to resolve his issues, I respect that but things also don't have to be so black and white. If he wants to talk and get together we can and should - I would like to remain friends.

 

Should I send it? If so, when? Or should I leave it alone?

[Steen719]

Natalie,

Leave it. You have let him know you care and anything else, even an admission that you are not ready, makes it sound as if you are still trying to get the relationship going. Give him space and time, much as you would like to be given in a similar situation.

[Clubman35]

I'd say to just step back and give him some space for a bit. If you keep contacting him, you're likely just going to push him away. Please trust us on this. I was finding out the hard way.... when my wife left a few weeks ago, I'd hound the sh*t outta her. One call or text after the other. She begged me to just back off a bit. I finally got the hint through my thick skull and you know what? Things seem to be getting a little better. I know it's hard to sit and wait when it's always in your mind. It's all consuming. But, you really do need to give him some space. When you feel like you have to call him, get on here and vent. Someone here will always help settle you down. All the best to you, we all know (unfortunately) how difficult this is. Stay strong, you CAN do this.

[Natalie333]

Thank you guys so much!!! I will not send the email. I am completely backing off. I hope to hear from him again someday.

[Clubman35]

You will.... it would seem that when you stop calling, that's when they will.

[Natalie333]

Much appreciated Clubman. I love your advice.

[carhill]

Well, about an hour ago I texted him telling him I was thinking about him and hoped his mom was feeling better.... Nothing.

 

Sounds good. Your last contact is positive. Since you apparently finalized your divorce while dating him, some time alone, as well as dating other men, could do you good as well. If things work out later on, they do.

[Natalie333]

The women I've talked to say it's completely over. The men say he'll contact me. It's so confusing.

[Clubman35]

Well, clearly women don't know what they're talking about...

[Natalie333]

My last question is how long do you think it will take for him to contact me? A week (s) or month? If I don't hear from him in a month - should I contact him to see how he is doing?

[2.50 a gallon]

Natalie

 

Yes, I would wait at least a month.

 

Actually, I think your best bet is to totally withdraw, for the time being. I know it is difficult, we just don't seem to meet all that many people who really interest us. I know that I had to back away way too many times.

 

As to him someday coming out of the haze and contacting you my guess would be it is about a 50/50 chance.

 

From what you have posted it would sound like the man is conflicted, his plate is full and he doesn't need to add anything else at the present moment.

 

I know in your heart you feel that you could be the oak he could lean on, and thereby help him through this troubled times. The problem is for the present he no longer trusts relationships. Remember at one time is Ex was his oak, and then he got hit by lightening.

[Natalie333]

Thanks! A month - then if nothing it's probably done.

[buster2209]

Yeah, you got to leave him alone. Take it from a guy who knows. I've asked someone in my life to leave me alone while I clear some crap off my plate as I couldn't deal with new emotions whilst trying to clear up old ones.

 

If she contacted me before I contacted her, it would make me think she is a girl who has no self control rather than a well put together woman.

 

The irony of this is that just when you don't care anymore, he'll call you.

 

Life has a dry sense of humour like that....