My wife wants to seperate,needs space.

[zodd]

Me and my wife met in church and was married in the same church originally, we didn't have much counseling although we went ahead after a year of dating and got married. She had a step son I was willing to father and more on that later. It was great overall for the first year or 2, soon after her son had a growing number of issues with asthma, Hospital stays etc. I was already having hard time being close to him he was 9 when me and his mother married.

 

I would regularly spend time playing video games as an outlet to the amount of stress that I was under due to his illness...after going through this for several years we had our own son and is he awesome, still cant get over it, hes just now turning 7 years of age. My stepson continued having asthma issues and we had to take him out of school etc. etc. I felt as though why me? I was scared and mad that I didn't know about his asthma being hard to treat, felt as though that was left out. While this is going on my wife is in and out of jobs, she takes medication to keep her emotions in check......fast forward.

 

 

I lost my father three years ago and my mother 4 months ago and we are living in her house, I was hopeing to use the house as a springboard into finally settleing downand getting us our own home (been renting and moving for a while)......my wife stated mentioning over the last couple of years that she wasnt very happy, we did stop going out on dates after we had the little one and I was gaming again off and on not as much since I spent a lot of time with the little one.

 

I haven't done really well with my Father and mother passing and I again buried myself in playing with my son and hanging out with him and playing games, while spending some time with my wife...not as much...

 

I feel as though even though I heard her say she wasnt happy I just overall tuned it out blaming it on meds etc. and she even thought it may be that. She is now on a better med and it seems that has cleared her mind more than ever...

 

She went to counseling and basically she decided to tell me that she didn't want me physically touching her unless I asked first or unless she initiated things. She said that she doesnt know what she wants and that although I am her companion and friend she just doesn't have that in love feeling anylonger, she just needs to figure it all out. I started to cry and she stormed off saying that I was trying to make her feel bad.......I guess i just have to be emotionless, I want to give 110% but doing that requires a decent amount of engagement and it seems that she doesnt want that right now, she is to overwhelmed by my kindness of late (she told me last week she wanted to separate, but I asked her to stay with us and i will give her space) ...... I find this so difficult since I cannot show any emotion, and I will get no support from her in this.....with me being in my mothers home and wanting to move out (still has a mortgage) ......I just dont know, I am going crazy and I feel scared of what may happen and what that will do to my boy!!!!!!

[seibert253]

Is there a possiblity of another man in the picture?

Something you need to investigate.

[zodd]

We share 1 car and have for several years now.....unless it is an emotional one, she is always with me. On the weekends we all go out together....she leaves the phone out all the time and I have access to all her emails, we have a Facebook page together.

[John Michael Kane]

I agree with the first poster. She's trying to get space so she could have another man. When a woman all of a sudden starts talking about how you can't touch her, she wants to separate/divorce, it's because there's someone else. She doesn't want that much sex from you because someone else is moving in, dude.

 

And cheaters are very sneaky people. She could have another email account you don't know about and/or she could have an accomplice helping her conduct her affair. Get the evidence then put it all in a nice folder with the divorce papers and deliver it to her. Let her move out if she wants nothing to do with you.

[just_some_guy]

In spite of the frequent case where this is correct, not all people who desire separation are cheating.

 

I wasn't, for starters.

 

Sometimes the relationship becomes so encompassing and overhwelming that one can't grow on his or her own.

 

I would say to give her what she asks for, ask her to agree to no boyfriends and no girlfriends for you and set up some appointments with a marriage therapist, in addition to individual counseling.

 

With kids in the picture, you both have an obligation and duty to make this work, even if it is very hard.

[John Michael Kane]

In spite of the frequent case where this is correct, not all people who desire separation are cheating.

 

I wasn't, for starters.

 

Sometimes the relationship becomes so encompassing and overhwelming that one can't grow on his or her own.

 

Yea but this whole pattern is the same thing. When someone all of a sudden wants out, most likely someone's cheating.

 

I would say to give her what she asks for, ask her to agree to no boyfriends and no girlfriends for you and set up some appointments with a marriage therapist, in addition to individual counseling.

 

He shouldn't have to ask her not to cheat. It's implied.

 

With kids in the picture, you both have an obligation and duty to make this work, even if it is very hard.

 

Just because there are kids in the mix doesn't mean one has to stay in a bad marriage. Staying is not going to make anything better and if it's getting worse already, there's no point in trying to keep working on it.

[htctouchpro2]

you need to investigate further...

[just_some_guy]

Yea but this whole pattern is the same thing. When someone all of a sudden wants out, most likely someone's cheating.

 

Nope. That's just a paranoid rationalization.

 

It could be because one is living in a situation where there's no opportunity to breathe, grow, be one's own self because the partner is is overwhelmingly needy as to suck all the light and heat out of the sun.

 

He shouldn't have to ask her not to cheat. It's implied.

 

And he shouldn't be such a wuss about expressing what he needs in the relationship.

 

Just because there are kids in the mix doesn't mean one has to stay in a bad marriage. Staying is not going to make anything better and if it's getting worse already, there's no point in trying to keep working on it.

 

YES, it does mean that.

 

Having children means you are *OBLIGATED* to make every possible and exhaustive effort to make the marriage work.

 

You are coming at this like a victim and posing an attitude of resignation. "She's probably cheating. No point to working on it. Shouldn't have to ask because she should already know. Woe is me, woe is me."

 

F*** that. Stand up, be a man. Take the risk of saying, "I am willing to work on this even if that means letting go of you and TRUSTING you." Set the boundary of saying, clearly, "I will work on this, separately if we have to, but fidelity is a boundary condition for me."

 

There will probably be some pain and crying and angry words. At least if you're working the process. But with kids in the game, that is what you have to do.

 

What other choice is there? Go off in a corner and be a wimpering fool of a victim?

[coolheadal]

I know I am going through something like this now too. But I am trying to hold on to my marriage and not fall into the D word. The bishop that had wed us in his church had pulled me to the side and told me she's the type that might not want to stay in a relationship. Are you strong my son he said. Yes I told him I was and wasn't going to have this marriage end by no means. He had said I believe you well keep your marriage together.

 

Pray and keep hold to here. That's the only way to keep it going. Living in your parents house is going to make it worst. She might be so confused in her head like my wife is now. I tell her who are you going to find that would put up with your ways in a relationship no guy would. I do it because the word Love and who I am pull it together. Most here will say otherwise and that just nonsense too easy to get the papers out and sign it. Then if you do that you won't be the same without your wife. Longer you been with her the longer it hurts.

[just_some_guy]

I know I am going through something like this now too. But I am trying to hold on to my marriage and not fall into the D word. The bishop that had wed us in his church had pulled me to the side and told me she's the type that might not want to stay in a relationship. Are you strong my son he said. Yes I told him I was and wasn't going to have this marriage end by no means. He had said I believe you well keep your marriage together.

 

Pray and keep hold to here. That's the only way to keep it going. Living in your parents house is going to make it worst. She might be so confused in her head like my wife is now. I tell her who are you going to find that would put up with your ways in a relationship no guy would. I do it because the word Love and who I am pull it together. Most here will say otherwise and that just nonsense too easy to get the papers out and sign it. Then if you do that you won't be the same without your wife. Longer you been with her the longer it hurts.

 

Marriage is HARD. It means growing, for both. None of us will be the same people in 10 years as we are today. The challenge is whether the two can grow independently, while staying together.

 

At different points in time, one will be ahead or behind the other in the relationship, in life, in ways big and small and physical, emotional and spiritual. That's why it is so hard.

 

Marriage is not like buying a piece of furniture or picking a wall color. The person you marry *will* change. The hardest part is leaving enough room so that the other can breathe and grow to whatever his or her full potential is as god's will makes it.

 

That sappy "in love" feeling will fade. It does. It always does. What lasts is what one author calls, "stirring the oatmeal love". The love where one finds joy in being with the other in the act of everyday things.

 

There has to be trust. Real trust is hard to do, because it means things like saying, "I will give you all the space you need to grow" even if you are afraid it means that they will grow away from you.

 

You also need a good sense of self. That means being able to set and keep boundaries. That's hard too. Because you are saying, "I can't go there and if you go there, you'll be on your own, even though the thought of not having you really hurts me too." Then you have to see what they'll do and realize you have no control over them.

[coolheadal]

Marriage is HARD. It means growing, for both. None of us will be the same people in 10 years as we are today. The challenge is whether the two can grow independently, while staying together.

 

At different points in time, one will be ahead or behind the other in the relationship, in life, in ways big and small and physical, emotional and spiritual. That's why it is so hard.

 

Marriage is not like buying a piece of furniture or picking a wall color. The person you marry *will* change. The hardest part is leaving enough room so that the other can breathe and grow to whatever his or her full potential is as god's will makes it.

 

That sappy "in love" feeling will fade. It does. It always does. What lasts is what one author calls, "stirring the oatmeal love". The love where one finds joy in being with the other in the act of everyday things.

 

There has to be trust. Real trust is hard to do, because it means things like saying, "I will give you all the space you need to grow" even if you are afraid it means that they will grow away from you.

 

You also need a good sense of self. That means being able to set and keep boundaries. That's hard too. Because you are saying, "I can't go there and if you go there, you'll be on your own, even though the thought of not having you really hurts me too." Then you have to see what they'll do and realize you have no control over them.

 

I have given here space and still it not enough. I drive out of town and what does she do is call me every chance she gets. So go figure her out is a mystery to me. All in her family give up to fast. All the sisters except for 1 has no issues. They all confused they all have 1 kid and that kid going to do the same thing their mom does. It's shame but they's how it is with them. The wife was different in a way but one of her sisters had told her once why are you treating "my name" this way that's mean. The wife didn't answer her.

[Mauschen]

If you are both Christian, you might like marriagebuilders.com.

 

Her therapist could also be influencing some of her attitudes toward the marriage. If you can go to the therapist together, or find a therapist whose philosophy is keeping marriages intact rather than destroying them, that would help!

 

As for your stepson, all children come with some difficulties. I am not sure what you feel should have been disclosed to you regarding his asthma. Would it have changed your mind about marrying your wife at the time? Maybe she didn't see it as a big problem like you do - at least not one that would change your mind about marrying her. At this point, he must be 16 or 17? Is he causing other problems too, or just has the health issues?