hollywood Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 I have read a book on controlled separation to save your marriage. I am wanting to try something like this with my wife. I have totally fallen out of love with her and the passion is gone from our marriage. I have thought about having an affair but have successfully avoided it so far. If you want to read more on my situation I have posted in the infidelity section. I am thinking that spending time away will kind of wake me up and want to start up a new relationship with her. I have a 3year old son which I really hate to be away from but if my marriage may have a chance I will do it. Just wondering if any has any experience with this versus just a separation? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 I've never heard of a "controlled" separation. I've heard of "trial" separations. Regardless of the adjective, a separation is a separation. The spouses I know who have moved out (they have all been men) --when kids are involved--move away into an apartment a few minutes or miles from the marital home. They do this for the kids and their consciences. They remain, or initially at least try to remain, part of their kids' lives. How successful they are remains to be seen. Like you, my marital embers no longer burn--just cold ash. I have a 14 and 16 year old whom I love dearly. But I can no longer abide my wife. Unlike you, I had an affair, which was wonderful. Thats been over for going on 7 months. So now, I'm no ones lover and I'm no ones husband (in any emotionally meaningful sense). I, too, am thinking of separating. I'd be gone now but for my kids. What I won't do is blame or attack you for falling out of love with your spouse. It happens--no one wills it. People do blame us, however. I accept criticism for my affair, but not for falling out of love. Whatever you decide let me know. I may be right behind you. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 A 'controlled' or 'legal' separation can be very helpful to some relationships. My husband and I separated a couple of times. Part of the 'control' is counseling together and seperately. We each had issues we needed to deal with and were not able to communicate with each other effectively and we needed some outside help with communication and the structure of the separation so that we did not feel overwhelmed and had no direction. Happily for us, our problems were worked out and we gained the tools necessary to face new problems. Our marriage never again was what it was in the beginning, which was my biggest fear. But I realized that my fear was simply fear of change itself, not fear of what the change would lead to. Our marriage is so much better and stronger then it ever was. I know of another couple who followed the same path and they did end up in divorce. But, their children saw them try to work things out and saw the procedures they went through and more than anything that they could tell their children, their actions (which speak louder than words) showed that even when people hurt, it doesn't have to be forever, and that we all need help sometimes and there is no shame in seeking that help. Their divorce was on friendly, if painful, terms and they have all moved on with their individual lives and yet stay connected to the kids and the kids are content because they know they are loved and the divorce had nothing to do with them. Please don't have an affair - you will hurt yourself as well as others. Get some counseling and help to figure out if you even want your marriage to work, or if divorce would be best for all of you. If/When you are free to date others then you can with no guilt or secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 "Please don't have an affair - you will hurt yourself as well as others. Get some counseling and help to figure out if you even want your marriage to work, or if divorce would be best for all of you. If/When you are free to date others then you can with no guilt or secrecy." I agree. Affairs are hurtful and the double life is wearing and wrong. They can be fun, though, when you're engaged. I once heard a wag define an affair as the "crack cocaine of romance." He had a point. They always end, however, and the crash and burn is unbelievably hard. I also agree that you should date only when you separate. I wonder, however, in a controlled sep scenario where you're getting joint counseling, what your wife's expectations will be. She may not take kindly to your dating especially when you've left her. The roles and rules may get a little fuzzy. Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Part of the "control" are the guidelines. YOU and your spouse set those - often with the help of a therapist. If you both decide to date while on separation, then you also have to set boundaries for those dates, including kissing, touching, hand-holding, with or without clothes, and different sexual acts. These are outlined explicitly while you are structuring your separation. It leaves it open for guilt if you go beyond the boundaries you set so be careful. Often the defined boundaries of dating while on separation are deal breakers for the whole marriage -- just as they were before the separation. But it is up to the couple to set those boundaries. Thankfully neither my husband or I had any issue with this when we were separated - we were not interested in dating anyone else at all. But I can sure see where there could be problems and pain in this area. The focus you need to remember is open, honest communication at all times. Stop worrying about hurting each other, it's too late for that. If you focus on open, honest communication you may see tears and hurt resurface -- like waves on the shore, but you will also feel in control of the situation because you are doing something constructive and working hard to move forward. It's not easy, not at all. My husband and I had to separate several times actually and get some "refresher courses" in communication before we had everything worked out. Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Am I the only one who diagrees about it being okay to date when separated? Married is married, separated is married, divorced is divorced. (i.e. papers signed, in hand, legally declared null and void by a judge) How did it get to be acceptable to date when you are legally still married? That's what a divorce is for! Link to post Share on other sites
Lester Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 I dont care what the situation is. You are married until the divorce is final. Period!!! So if you date while separated you are cheating. Period!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Let me see if I get this right: A deeply troubled marriage exists. Rather than divorce the couple through counseling decides on the ground rules of a controlled separation. These rules allow dating. According to Kay and Lester any dating is prohibited until the divorce. So now one or more of the alienated spouse decides, lets get divorced! Under the law of unintended consequences, the moralistic dating ban gives the estranged parties a perverse incentive to divorce. It's like Kay and Lester have to destroy a marriage in order to save it. Scary, very scary. If only life was so simple... Link to post Share on other sites
Kay Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 I would like to suggest that if a marriage is indeed "deeply troubled," wouldn't this couple be doing more to save their marriage by concentrating on one another instead of looking to test the waters elsewhere? Bark, you are certainly entitiled to establish "ground rules" for you and your wife, but please don't lump those that disagree into a category of "moralistic marriage destroyers." "It's like Kay and Lester have to destroy a marriage in order to save it." On the contrary, I am currently in a 20 year marriage doing everything I can to find ways to make my marriage work for my husband and I. Little by little, we are making small steps toward mutual happiness by recognizing what went wrong, how to make it better and giving one another the chance to express their needs without fear of losing touch with ourselves individually. This takes enormous time, energy and commitment and for me at least, my undivided attention. If I wanted to take the easy way out, I could have filed for divorce 2 years ago, instead of staying by my husband. We, like you, have a 16 and 14 year old. I also could have gone out and had an affair, but chose to focus instead on rebuilding a relationship where both of us are happy and fufilled. How, then, am I destroying my marriage? I don't understand your point. "The moralistic dating ban gives the estranged parties a perverse incentive to divorce." On the contrary, a so-called "controlled separation" and "dating rights" looks to me like a way to legitimize looking elsewhere for fufillment, instead of focusing on your own spouse and your needs as an individual and as a married couple BEFORE choosing divorce as an answer. Do your dating rules include only dating unattached, single people? If not, I'd not hesitate to say that there are a whole lot of unhappy people out there looking for ways to justify ending their own marriages regardless of how their spouse feels. I hope you tread carefully when you're out "dating." I realize you don't know me and I don't know you but I have to smile at being thought of as an uptight moral loud mouth. In all honesty Bark, you sound like an intelligent man and I bet we might actually have interesting conversations should we ever meet in another life. I highly doubt you would look at me as a preachy old lady on first introduction. Just something I find humorous ... Bark, if dating others is the answer for you and your wife and dating/courting HER is not, by all means date until your eyeballs rattle. I only take exception to anyone who honestly believes this is not just another type of affair, which you said in an earlier post, is hurtful. As the unwitting spouse of a man who went elsewhere for emotional support, you don't know pain like that. "If only life was so simple ..." True. But would simplicity really make life interestiing or only easy? Link to post Share on other sites
Lester Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 Sometimes you have to look at the source of advice. This comes from a man who admits to having an affair and says it was wonderful but did it help his marriage? No, he admits to that. Its like asking a junky if drugs are harmful Link to post Share on other sites
bark Posted November 1, 2003 Share Posted November 1, 2003 That's right Lester: When you cannot rebut an argument attack the person. That's always the strict moralist response to anyone that dares to challenge the absolute correctness or divine origin of their position. Such shallow scolds. Kay, your position is well taken. And I apologize for stereotyping you. I think you would be interesting to meet. At least you argued your position intelligently. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts