seperated, pregnant and cofused

[chachi]

First time here posting. My husband and I have been together 9 years, he has 2 girls who I have helped raise. I am also now 13+ weeks pregnant. Husband moved out a month ago, saying he wanted to be responsible and wehaven't been getting along. In the last month he has been keeping the girls in the school where they have been going, yesterday he put them in public school by where he lives now. He says he wants to work on the marriage , he loves, misses me, etc, etc. I am feeling hurt since in the last month he has not said he didn't want to see me, but when he had time off from work and promised to come over or at least call if he couldn't I was blown off. We went to counseling 2 weeks ago (he missed last wek because of work). I am not sure what to think at this point, since he had an affair that started on the net then he moved in with OW, at this time I use to bowl on a league and their was a man who was there who had been my friend before that but one night it led to a kiss.he came back but was not remoarseful and made me feel guilty about going bowling so I stopped. I started again 3 weeks ago, I hadn't seen the man all this time until last night, where he seems to have the same feelings for me. I am lonely and need a friend(which is what he says he wants) since now I won't see my husband hardly at all because of work and kids. Since the way hubby has been acting I am confused thinking perhaps there is someone else again or he just doesn't care. I don't want a relationship with this other man just a friend(mu husband doesn't like him because of the kiss, but I don't see how he can be so judgemental when he was living with another woman) Some people tell me to wait and see what happens with my husband(he says he wants to back by christmas, but then said yesterday we don't know if its gonna work). I am getting mixed messages. When I see him all he does is proclainm his feelings of love for me and we are still having sex. I am more confused as to what to thin and my pregancy mood swings are not helping. I don't just sit around, I go to school and work, and wait for him. I jsut don't know what to think about where this is going? Any advice?

[bark]

Honey, you're getting screwed in more ways than one.

 

My suspicion is that your husband is involved with another woman, and he has, except for the sex, separated from you. It does not look good. It definitely sounds as if your husband has moved on.

 

I would contact a lawyer to insure that child support is forthcoming when you have the baby. Your husband may not be in your life emotionally, but you better make damn sure he's there materially once the baby is delivered.

 

As for your emotional needs, I would get as much support as you can: family, friends, sensitive acquaintances ,relationship advice sites. You're going to need it.

 

Hang in there.

[chachi]

Thanks for the advice Bark, but I don't want anything from him if we are not in a committed relationship. That means support, he has shown no interest in this baby except for the fact that my chest is bigger(we still and have never had problems with sex). That shows me that he doesn't want to be in this baby's life so why would I want anything from him. I am not going to wait around for him to make up his mind about the marriage or the baby. My therapist believes he wants to control me, even while he is not living here, by who I can see, seeing me only when he feels like it, etc., etc., I have been telling myself that he is not coming back and to not worry about it and move on. If he decides to start showing some real effort than i will work on it from there, but until then I believe we are done by how he is acting. All his words are to keep me under his thumb and take me off the shelf when he feels like it. I just have to keep thinking that way, its much easier when I don't see him.

When he will show up again I am not sure. I know and believe he still loves me and I do love him but we can't work on anything with not seeing each other or only when he feels like it. I have given myself a sort of time limit as far as the relationship until Christmas(which is what he said) if I don't see alot of effort by then as far as we go than it really is done. I think that is fair, by then I will be far more along in my pregnancy and will have to look for other alternatives as far as the baby goes. Any thoughts??

[bark]

If not for yourself, chachi, then for the baby once she's born-- you have to get child support payments from this guy. Right now, he's on easy street--he has sex with you when he wants and he's not around to make any sacrifices as you go through a physically and emotionally demanding pregnancy.

 

That just isn't fair.

 

I very much doubt that your husband will reconcile with you while your pregnant. In fact, I predict his visits will become increasingly less frequent as you move along.

 

I'm curious. How old are you and your husband, and how long have you been married?

 

I hope you feel ok.

[chachi]

I am 36 and he is 35 we have been together for 9 years, 5 of them married. This is the first baby for us. Although as I said he has two other girls from a previous relationship. He claims he is happy about the baby and wants a boy. I just don't see why he would be such an idiot, some people think he is pushing himself away because of my health and thinks I am going to die giving birth., Background info: I have a rare digestive disorder called Achalasia which I am unable to eat solid food, everything really soft or pureed(lots of ensure), from the surgery they did to fix it8 yrs agoI got another rare disorder, slipped rib disorder where my rib slides out of place( they were gonna fix it when they cancelled surgery becaus I was pregnant), I also just got diagnosed with Graves Disease(hypethyroidism). So I am sure it is difficult for him he says he has these nightmares that a doctor comes out and says the baby made it but she didn't and he cant handle a baby without me. It is very hard for me I'm the one with the diseases. So I am not sure, although I was just reading about narcisstic personality disorder and that is definately my husband. I just am still confused cause I know and feel that the he still loves me the sparks are still there.

[cindy0039]

Here's my advice for you: Stop having sex with him unless or until you get your problems worked out. It sounds like he's just trying to have his cake and eat it too and you're enabling him. Don't let him guilt you into doing everything his way. You have rights here. He needs to be held accountable for what he has done. Good for you for going to counseling. Keep it up.

[bark]

chachi, one man's "narcissistic personality disorder" is another person's selfishness and immaturity This man has lived with you for 9 years and he splits once he learns your pregnant because he afraid you're going to die?

That is absolutely unbelievable. The guy is selfish. His abandoning (except for the sex) you and your soon-to-be baby is doubly deplorable given your tough medical condition and history.

 

As for the sex (or sparks), I'm a guy and it is really easy for us to emotionally disengage from a lover and spouse and still enjoy great sex with her. That's the way we're wired. So I would not read too much into the "sparks" part. In fact, he's having a grand time: all pleasure, no work. Not a bad gig, if you can get it.

 

Honey, your husband is not a kid. He's a 35 year old man who's running away from you while continuing to come back for the sex. Think about that. You're being used. Your husband is a poster child for today's man: Peter Pan.

 

I would contact a lawyer to insure that your husband pays regular child support once your baby is born. He has it too easy, and you deserve more--much more.

[chachi]

I don't mean the sparks for sex, even the therapist believes that he loves me. She said you can see he does. And that personality disorder thing perhaps your right just selfish and immature but every single trait of this disorder he fits. I don't want anything to do with him if and when we go our seperate ways. That includes the support let him fight me in court to see the kid trust me not just because of how he is to me but how he is in general, I don't want him around my baby. Unless he did a 360 degree turn which I doubt.

[bark]

You're already sounding angry, and that's good. You have to let him know that his actions will have consequences--no sex, no respect, no affection, no visitation and a toothbrush and weekend in jail if he falls behind in child support payments.

 

The guy's on easy street. Play a little hardball with your runaway husband, keep on seeing your therapist and find emotional support wherever you can.