resentment against ex husband

[susanl]

Well here goes one more time--everyone helps so much. I have been divorced for about 2 months, separated prior to that for almost a year--the problem is a huge resentment that I feel against my children's father. He has little to do with them (by the way they are 16 and 18), calls just occasionally, takes them out for dinner even less, and spends very little time with them. I have sole custody of the 16 and the 18 yr old is away at college. All responsibility for the children is on me 24/7 but the problem comes in when he does talk with them he tells them of trips he has taken (with his new girlfriend), places he is going to go abroad--but yet he can't spend anytime with them, the holidays are coming up and --you guessed it--he has made no plans whatsoever to see them. I know this might sound petty or whatever on my part, but I just don't understand his mentality and also a little free time on my part would be quite nice. I have no family in town etc. By the way the kids are very happy and well adjusted and the 18 yr old just kind of passes her dad off whereas the 16 yr old gets in a snit when he has to go for a 10 min meeting or lunch with his dad when he does ask. HELP--any suggestions would be greatly appreciated in trying to get over the resentment that I feel against him.

[midori]

Some suggestions:

 

1. why not tell your ex that you need to have one weekend a month (or whatever) to yourself, and that you need him to be Parent #1 on those weekends. The 16 year old can stay with him, and the 18 year old will know that on that weekend Dad is the one who should get the phone call asking about how to do laundry, etc.

 

2. maybe you shouldn't worry so much about whether or not your ex is spending adequate time with your kids. They're old enough to negotiate their relationships with him. If he is utterly uninterested in spending time with them on the holidays, they'll know it, and they probably will reciprocate. That's between him and them, and while he may come to rue his cavalier attitude one day, that's hardly your problem.

 

Food for thought: perhaps your resentment of your ex isn't as centered on your kids as you think it is. People are often resentful of former partners after a split, and it sounds like your ex has moved on with a new woman, which I imagine must be irritating, to say the least (if not hurtful...). Perhaps you are looking for "legitimate" reasons for resenting your ex, and your children fit the bill. But really, they are old enough to have their own relationships with their father. Of course you're looking out for them, and if you see that they're hurt by his callousness then you'd be right to be angry with your ex. But that's not what it sounds like.

 

You have every right to expect your ex to pitch in and participate in the duties of parenthood. But he's not a mindreader, and given that you two have just divorced and maybe he's a selfish idiot (?), you shouldn't wait around for him to anticipate your needs. You need to be up front with him. Tell him what you want: a free weekend, Wednesday nights to yourself, to not have to drive the 18 year old and all his stuff to the college dorm -- whatever it is.

 

I don't know if your ex is a selfish jerk who doesn't think about his kids, or if he's a hesitant, uncertain divorced man who hasn't figured out the new boundaries in his relationship with his kids (who perhaps, to him, might seem to be on their mom's "side"), or if he's something inbetween, or something else entirely. But whatever he is, he's your ex, he's not in your daily life, and so it's probably better that you make your wants & needs clearly known. Your kids should do the same.

[Lester]

and I'm not very good with words. I myself have never understood how a father could just basically cut hisself out of his kids lifes. My parents also divorced and I was married at the time. I very rarely seen my father after that and when I did he was always bragging about where he had been and where he was going next. It was like he felt he needed to impress me. All I wanted was to visit with my father as we used to be very close but it was like I didnt know this man. Also I knew it was very hard for him to face me and his other children as it was he who run off with another woman. He was full of guilt. The same thing might be going on with your ex since your kids are old enough to know what is going on.

 

While reading your question I get the feeling that you just want to find something to be angry at him for. Most women want the children and dont like having to deal with the ex. As for your free time, one is in college and the other is 16. Do you still have to babysit a 16 year old 24/7?

 

Just be happy you have the kids. It could be the other way around and you would only get them every other weekend and on Wednesdays

[susanl]

Well in reading everybodies reply I think that yes I agree with some of what your saying. But the part that I am getting at is that I love my children very much but like you said how can someone just walk out of their lives. Also no they don't need babysitting 24/7 but he (son 16) still wants to know where I am what I am doing and he still needs a responsible adult in his life and I seem to be all he has. I have found a very nice man whom I am dating but I guess the resentment factor that I am getting at is that my ex can come and go as he pleases with no responsibilities and yet I can't seem to do the same. Is this an okay feeling--probably and is my ex a correct person to take it out on--possbily---is there any solution--I don't know. I would just like him to have some responsibilities for his children but the other problem is that I know after the way that he has acted toward them they do not want that much to do with him. So in the long run I know he has lost out but----

Well again any further info would be greatly appreciated--I am listening and reading and taking it all in Thanks again in advance

[midori]

Originally posted by susanl

I would just like him to have some responsibilities for his children

 

You're the one with custody. So the initiative lies with you. If you want to have them off your hands for a bit, you need to let your ex know. Now, if you've done that and he has been unwilling to take them off your hands, that's another matter -- but you haven't mentioned that.

 

Your ex can't read your mind. You need to tell him that you need him to pitch in. Be very matter-of-fact about it, don't behave as if you're asking a favor. Give him plenty of advance notice, set up a routine.

 

Divorces are hard on everyone, you all have to find your feet with each other. Perhaps requiring that your kids spend some time with their dad will allow him to re-build a relationship with them. But get the ball rolling: not because it'll be good for your kids (though it probably will), nor because it will be good for your ex (though again, it probably will) but because you need to have some time for yourself.

 

Obviously I'm just repeating myself, and what I said the first time didn't seem to address your problem. If this is the case, perhaps you should clarify what the problem is. As it stands it sounds like you're resentful about your ex's lack of involvement, but you haven't done anything specific to get him involved.