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Here comes the chill...


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The three month separation has gotten off on a less than desirable footing.

 

In trying to interpret what her needs are -- my wife's IC thinks we're codependent and entangled -- my wife has expressed a need for distance to sort out what her needs are independent from mine.

 

Neither of us contact the other one except for financial matters.

 

Two weeks ago we were still talking daily and going to MC. Now she treats me like a co-worker. Pleasantries, no real information... cold.

 

I never saw this coming.

 

She told me that one of the most important things to her was our close friendship. Even if the marriage didn't survive, she treasured our communication and never wanted to lose it.

 

Now it's a virtual freeze out. I'm not coping well. I've not only lost my wife now, but my best friend as well.

 

I feel like this may be the beginning of the end. Others are advising me that she needs distance to figure things out and that this is perfectly normal.

 

My move out day -- and her move back in day -- is Saturday. I expect it will be brief. I'm trying not to let her see how much this is hurting me. I'm doing my 180. (Got a job interview next week!) But it's destroying me inside. I can't assume she doesn't know this... so what's the point of faking?

 

Any insight would be appreciated, since you're all a fairly insightful bunch.

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Ah change, I'm sorry. You can't try to read her mind. You'll drive yourself insane trying to figure out if her actions mean your marriage is over or her need to heal. You've been reading my thread, so I know you know how I'm handling things now. Find happiness in yourself right now. Allow yourself to feel sad, depressed and angry; but when you have those feelings don't let her know. When you interact with her, make it a positive experience. Keep strengthening yourself without her being the reason for your strength!! There are a lot of us on LS at different stages. The sooner you get to my stage, the better you'll feel. My next step is to be at debtman's stage. But inside, I'm still open for shatteredreality's outcome!

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worldgonewrong

My separation will soon reach the 4 month mark.

It was after the 3 month mark, with me previously trying to hew to the 180 and then disastrously breaking it within those first 3 months, that I 'got it'.

The hurt, the pain, the misery you're feeling right now is too raw, too immediate. Your mind is trying to channel all of this stuff and make sense out of something that defies logic.

So, take a deep breath. Realize where you are at. Realize importantly that the pain IS transitory. It won't be transitory if you keep picking at the same 'sore' spot over and over in your mind.

And then apply the 180 wholeheartedly, even on 'move out' day. You need to become a bit self-protective whereas before you were probably an open book and an easy target.

Believe me, I know where you're at. I could've written your same exact post above, word for word.

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celebration

Separations are hard...its like a mini-divorce. someone you have lived with suddenly is on the outside, slowly becoming a stranger.

 

In your case, since you are the guy and not the one to initiate the separation then give her the time she's asked for...making sure you don't loose her as a friend at the same time making sure she's not taking you for granted.

You have to think deep on why she needed the space in the first place, then gradually make ammends by give her a solid reason to return.

 

Separations are risky, it would either lead to:

a). Divorce

b). Reconciliation

 

The way a separation will end mostly lies with the initiator, the other party can only be hopeful and prayerful.

 

 

If you truly love someone/something, let it go...if it comes back to you, then its yours!

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Allow yourself to feel sad, depressed and angry; but when you have those feelings don't let her know. When you interact with her, make it a positive experience. Keep strengthening yourself without her being the reason for your strength!!

 

I'm starting to doubt why I shouldn't share my feelings openly with her. Isn't it the lack of communication that got us here in the first place? So why would being fake help at this point?

 

Strengthening yourself without her being the reason for your strength. God that's accurate. And thoroughly impossible right now.

 

I keep noticing that those people that decide to work on their marriage decide that seeing other people just isn't an option. I also notice that there always seem to be kids involved. As we don't have children, and as she seems set on dating, I don't know why I'm bothering.

 

Basically what she's telling me is that the marriage is over. If I want to have her, I'll have to start from square one, just like anyone else. Why she's not willing to let go of the marriage yet, then, and make that decision is beyond my logical capacity. Not that I'm asking her to do that; I'm grateful that I don't get it, to a degree, because it means that there must be pieces at play or emotions in the mix that I'm not aware of. All I can assume is that I'm showing her all of my cards, and she's only showing me half of hers.

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It seems that all the advice that I read centers around showing your WAW that you are doing fine without them. That's when they come sniffing around with interest and when you may just get another chance.

 

But if your wife felt abandoned in the marriage and lonely -- how is cutting all contact and being distant going to show her anything? Isn't it just going to prove that she was correct?

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It seems that all the advice that I read centers around showing your WAW that you are doing fine without them. That's when they come sniffing around with interest and when you may just get another chance.

 

But if your wife felt abandoned in the marriage and lonely -- how is cutting all contact and being distant going to show her anything? Isn't it just going to prove that she was correct?

 

I went though that same rational, but I realized her feelings for me had changed. Feelings of neglect may have gotten her to that point, but now she does not have those same feelings for me. Now she needs to miss the parts about you she likes. If you communicate with her, she gets it all. She doesn't have to be your Wife, but she gets the friendship part. When I went LC, that's when my W stopped and went wait a minute. She was perfectly fine losing me as a husband, but she was not OK losing me as a friend. Doesn't mean she wants me back as her husband, but she is starting to think about what she wants, now that she knows what she is missing.

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But if your wife felt abandoned in the marriage and lonely -- how is cutting all contact and being distant going to show her anything? Isn't it just going to prove that she was correct?

 

Hmm often when the WAW says that it's just BS to justify them leaving.

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It seems that all the advice that I read centers around showing your WAW that you are doing fine without them. That's when they come sniffing around with interest and when you may just get another chance.

 

But if your wife felt abandoned in the marriage and lonely -- how is cutting all contact and being distant going to show her anything? Isn't it just going to prove that she was correct?

 

The key is YOU. Forget her needs, YOU YOU YOU. Please yourself (and your kids if you have them?).

 

Ohh and I'll tell you from experience, once you start acting like your fine without them, after a while it will become natural. You'll realise there is so much more to life than this woman.

 

And as for being distant, don't be a jerk to your wife, no one's saying not to be polite. The vibe you need to be giving off is that you are too busy doing other things. Take this advice from a man who has reconciled with his WAW.

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worldgonewrong

And as for being distant, don't be a jerk to your wife, no one's saying not to be polite. The vibe you need to be giving off is that you are too busy doing other things. Take this advice from a man who has reconciled with his WAW.

 

Solid advice as always, Rob.

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Steadfast
I'm starting to doubt why I shouldn't share my feelings openly with her. Isn't it the lack of communication that got us here in the first place?

 

Maybe I have it wrong, but it seems the lack of communication in your situation is decidedly one-sided...

 

Not to discount the advice of others (because it's great; really) but I was never successful at acting happy when I wasn't. At least, where my ex wife was concerned. I faked being in a good mood for my kids, and even though they probably saw through it the effect was the same. In time, it became genuine. Thank God!

 

Like many, my words concerning us were falling on deaf ears. At least, that's how it appeared to me. Whether she knew it or not, after she left to 'think/sort things out' I went through an intense period of introspection. After coming to the realization I had been incredibly manipulative (not narcissistic, but reason expressed in a way that I thought made the best sense for us...and perhaps not listening to her side as I should have) my dialog became short and sweet; very to the point. One thing I didn't do was talk about us...I had learned the difference between talk and action and began basing my opinion of her solely on actions alone. Like your wife I'm sure, mine wasn't dumb. She knew I loved her. She knew I didn't want to break up our family. She knew I hated that she was sleeping with other men. She also knew that I was powerless...that I had no way of controlling what she did and where. When she knew that I had accepted that, things changed.

 

And that's when the clarity came.

 

This isn't easy stuff OP, and the process for getting through will take time. Advice is fine...critical even, but in time you'll find the right balance or mix to suit your needs. Just know you can't love her enough for the both of you. As for your faults, true love covers all; the good and the bad. False love can't...or won't.

 

I didn't want this, but it is what I have. Amazing things happen when you make the best of what you've got. I have a new life and you know what? I like it. It isn't what I planned, but it is what it is. Hang in-

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Here comes the update: She moved into our house, and then told me that she didn't want to work on the marriage and that she felt single and the trial separation was over.

 

We both cried a lot. We hugged. We held hands. She thinks it's tragic that we didn't meet later in life, when we were both ready to be married. She doesn't know what the future holds for us, just that she has a lot of personal growth to do alone.

 

She's very angry and resentful toward me. Very angry. New things bubbling up in her IC all the time and then being thrown at me.

 

She wants to be best friends still, but thinks it will take time to get there. She knows she'll forgive me, but doesn't know if we'll end up reconciling eventually or not. She doesn't want to predict anything and is willing to leave the door open to that possibility.

 

All she seems to know is that she's so angry with me right now, that we can't work on us. And she's in a place in terms of the growth she needs as an individual that is incompatible with marriage and commitment. Right person, wrong time.

 

I don't know what to think or say. I moved into a room someplace near our house (which we also rent) so that I could conserve money. I don't have much with me in the way of belongings. This was only suppose to be for three months and then we were going to revisit the whole thing.

 

I feel used. None of this is characteristic of my wife's behavior over the last seven years. If anything, she's turned the tables. I always promised things and didn't deliver. Now she makes agreements and promises and fails to come through for me. She has acknowledged this.

 

I'm trying to show her a healthy dynamic from m end. I don't know how to keep showing it to her right now, though, or even if should.

 

She immediately moved our stuff around in the house and made it hers. She even bought a couch, apparently, right before moving back in.

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Steadfast
She wants to be best friends still, but thinks it will take time to get there. She knows she'll forgive me, but doesn't know if we'll end up reconciling eventually or not. She doesn't want to predict anything and is willing to leave the door open to that possibility.

 

She's willing to do that? Leave it all hanging out there while doing as she pleases, all the while have you available at her beckon call? That's big of her OP. Maybe, just maybe, if you're a good little puppy she'll forgive you.

 

Someday, that is. No one knows when or even if, but you can hope, right?

 

If you physically or emotionally abused her then you've got it coming. Otherwise, she's shoveling horsesh*t because that is not how a loving spouse acts. Spouses will (and should, if I recall marriage vows correctly) put up with almost anything if they love their partner. For many women the bigger the a-hole, the better; a 'real man' who's an exciting challenge. Maybe that's your issue...she's become quite a hill to climb, huh? No one like to lose, but if you're the only one fighting for the marriage, it's gone.

 

Not sure if talking is the answer, but maybe one more statement for clarity. "I don't want this...I don't want to be apart and I want to save our marriage. I also don't want to be your doormat. Just 'being there for you' as a friend isn't good for me because I love and need my wife; a person who is more than just a friend in my heart. This arrangement attacks my self-esteem, which isn't in very good shape these days as it is."

 

I expect she'll offer some kind of lukewarm response. If she does, just let her go. I'm not sure what you two have, but whatever it is it isn't healthy.

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Yep, whatever we have right now is NOT healthy.

 

I wasn't emotionally or physically abusive.

 

I was very depressed and very, very emotionally distant and physically distant. Looking back, I can see many times she tried to reach out to me. I didn't see or hear them at the time. She decided that I wasn't attracted to her anymore and I wasn't in love with her anymore. She felt completely abandoned and left holding the bag. That's where she's coming from.

 

I've shown her a lot of unhealthy behavior over the last few years. A lot. I don't think she's in any fit place to see the healthy behavior now. She's interacting, most of the time, with a memory of me -- not with the present. She's rejecting the past -- not the present.

 

To top it off, now that I'm coming around, she's left asking "why couldn't you do this for me when I begged you to? did you not love me enough?" All I can say is that I'm sorry and that I couldn't do it before. This seems to have put her in a place where she feels I was "holding out on her" and content to let her suffer -- totally not the case.

 

No, I don't think talking will help anything at this time. I think consistent ACTION is all I have, and I think it will take some time for her to really see the action instead of the past.

 

I agree so whole heartedly that what we have right now isn't healthy. She's running me through the wringer in order to extract vengeance and forgive me. Part of me feels like I owe it to her. Part of me feels like I won't live through the process if I do let her do what she's doing.

 

I... I don't even want to save the marriage at this point. I've done so much wrong and she's finally claiming her anger over that and is doing so much back to hurt me that I think the marriage isn't salvageable.

 

To loosely quote something I read somewhere (can't remember): Divorce means divorcing the old relationship. You then are free to build a new relationship, perhaps even with the same person.

 

That's what I want. I want to date her again once we've let the anger and pain rest awhile. I want to court her properly this time. I want to share the new and better person I've become with her, and I want to see what personal strides she's made in determining what makes her happy and speaking her needs more freely. I want to see that I don't have to be a mind reader anymore. I want to start over. I just want to start over with her, because when we both get past the hurt, we still have an amazing connection.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts on the planning thread I posted this morning, Steadfast. It's called "My marriage is over; making a plan" or something like that.

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. I moved into a room someplace near our house (which we also rent) so that I could conserve money. .

 

Change, This is wrong. She wants out of the marriage? and you move out? Why? Part of your 180 is to show strength. I don't mean be a jerk.

 

My wife asked me to move out of the house, and the bed. My answer to her was "nope but your welcome to sleep on the sofa if you want and I'll help you move out"

 

Ohh she tried to guilt me, and do the blameshifting thing, I just stood firm.

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dreamingoftigers
Change, This is wrong. She wants out of the marriage? and you move out? Why? Part of your 180 is to show strength. I don't mean be a jerk.

 

My wife asked me to move out of the house, and the bed. My answer to her was "nope but your welcome to sleep on the sofa if you want and I'll help you move out"

 

Ohh she tried to guilt me, and do the blameshifting thing, I just stood firm.

 

^^^THIS times ten.

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^^^THIS times ten.

 

Women want a man who acts like a man, not a pushover. Saying "yes maam, and rolling over for a WAW" is just being weak (no disrespect meant)

 

IMO change should just move back home. If his wife complains he should just tell her she can have the rented room. Christ, what's the worst she can do?

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dreamingoftigers
Women want a man who acts like a man, not a pushover. Saying "yes maam, and rolling over for a WAW" is just being weak (no disrespect meant)

 

IMO change should just move back home. If his wife complains he should just tell her she can have the rented room. Christ, what's the worst she can do?

 

Um, leave and say that they can be friends...

 

Oh, wait!

 

:lmao:

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^^^THIS times ten.

 

You wouldn't be intensely angry at your H if he did this to you given your history together?

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Change, This is wrong. She wants out of the marriage? and you move out? Why? Part of your 180 is to show strength. I don't mean be a jerk.

 

My wife asked me to move out of the house, and the bed. My answer to her was "nope but your welcome to sleep on the sofa if you want and I'll help you move out"

 

Ohh she tried to guilt me, and do the blameshifting thing, I just stood firm.

 

I told her I wanted to back when we were going to MC. At the time, I told her that I was waiting for her to come home every day and that the house was suffocating me. She agreed that it made sense to switch places and that we'd revisit it if she felt the same way.

 

Then she changed the plans. She quit MC. We started the trial separation. Then the day she moved back in, she quit the trial separation.

 

That's how it happened.

 

I was the one to say I needed out of the house and she was the one to change her plans initially and move back in -- instead of renting a furnished apartment someplace.

 

So now I'd be going back on what I asked for... however, when the agreement was reached, the situationw as decidedly different. I feel like a bait-and-switch has happened. Or at the least, very used.

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apartment someplace.

 

So now I'd be going back on what I asked for... .

 

Everyone is entitled to change their mind, your wife changed hers about your marriage. You can change yours, take your home back.

 

If and I stress the word IF you want one mili iota's chance of getting back with your wife you will take this advice.

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She quit MC. We started the trial separation. Then the day she moved back in, she quit the trial separation.

 

That's how it happened.

 

I was the one to say I needed out of the house and she was the one to change her plans initially and move back in -- instead of renting a furnished apartment someplace.

QUOTE]

 

She is pooping all over you, and you are asking for more. Do not take this for one more millisecond.

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Miss Clavel

It sounds to me like she's closed her heart to you. Her feelings for you are little more then fond memories.

 

She's moving on. She's changed the furniture around and made a nest in her house. Perhaps because she's getting ready for "company".

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