change Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 I posted before about realizing that I'd had a three year bout of depression and that my wife left because she "convinced herself" to lose hope that I would ever get better. The depression had caused a lot of things that depressions normally do: selfishness and lack of awareness of her and the ability expression the appreciation that I always felt for her, as well as a a complete loss of interest in sex. During that time, she grew to feel increasingly unwanted and unloved. She now has a lot of personal hangups around sex. We're living separately since she walked out last week. After going out and doing HOURS of very honest, open talking on Sunday, she suddenly decided that she wanted to come back home. I cautioned her and told her that I wanted to go to dinner so that she could make sure this was the best decision for her right now. Over the next couple hours, we decided that she really felt the need to be won back and that coming home, she was still terrified that things wouldn't have actually changed. We decided to meet again on Tuesday to talk more. Tuesday's conversation was a lot more frustrating and made her feel like she was pushing away again. Here's where things are at, for the moment, and here's where my confusion is: In order to not feel so rejected when I didn't want any sex at all, she pushed down her feelings of attraction for me. She's also afraid that I'm not actually truly making changes and am only making them to get her back. I was so in need of support in the final years of our marriage that she now feels relief and freedom in being alone, despite feeling grief and a mix of other emotions as well. She expressed a desire to move home, but she also expresses a desire for a separation. She expressed a desire to be "won back" and "pursued." But she also says that she's no where near ready to rebuild physical intimacy because she is herself now sexual broken from the shame that built up from feeling unwanted. We're going to see a marriage counselor. At this time, I think she's heavily leaning toward a separation work on ourselves. The very limited push and focus I had on seeing us proceed in whatever way was best for ultimately saving the marriage was enough focus on "us" instead of "her" last night that she was emotionally triggered and became intensely concerned that things were not truly changing. Help me to understand this situation? How can we work on regaining attraction and intimacy if we're not together? How can we work on regaining trust if not together? How can someone express not missing you, the sentiment that this is all like their husband "came back from the dead," and suddenly want to come home and work on it? All at alternating times over a couple days span? Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 You are putting the cart before the horse. A couple days ain't gonna make a difference. Get to the MD and PSYCH doctors like now, because another weekend is coming up dude. What that means to us depressed people, is, ten days flys by before you know, and you have accomplished zero. This will be your case if you are not seen by a docor in the upcoming two days. You read me? Ten day nothing. What do you think? Doesn't that look like someone that IS NOT taking action? Link to post Share on other sites
Author change Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 I have seen an MD and a psych and I AM on medication. That was the first thing I did the day after she left. Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Great, great, great! Did you get a diagnosis? Prognosis? Do you have foollow-ups soon? Did u get something for anxiety so u can stay calm during this period? OK, stay cool. I want to digest your post again with this news in mind. Other posters are sure to give you some great advice too! But it looks like you need to follow d'lish right now. Link to post Share on other sites
WorldIsYours Posted April 13, 2011 Share Posted April 13, 2011 Sounds like she could be seeing someone else.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author change Posted April 13, 2011 Author Share Posted April 13, 2011 I know for a fact that she's not seeing someone else because she's openly said that it would have been easier to cheat than to hurt me by leaving. She's very far from even being able to have physical intimacy with anyone, because at this point she feels so much accumulated shame around intimacy -- from the difficulties that we've had -- that she's not ready to trust anyone in that way. Me. A stranger. Anyone. That's part of what she's seeking individual counseling for. To answer the other questions, I do have a diagnosis and meds, although no anxiety meds. I should be able to get this under control and then learn triggers and coping mechanisms. The tricky part is to give her the space she requires while still working to rebuild the relationship. She's so mixed. From Sunday wanting to move back in to yesterday stating that maybe she doesn't want to live with anyone right now and just wants to work on her... it's an emotional rollercoaster for me and I don't know what to think. Or how to act. Link to post Share on other sites
You Go Girl Posted April 14, 2011 Share Posted April 14, 2011 (edited) Take the heat off. Tell her that since she is unsure what to do at this point, that you want to take the heat off her, and off you both. Tell her that you want to actively date her for the next month...as in==You know what I'd really like? I'd like to date you again! Then do it. Take her out to eat to a nice place. Take her dancing, to live theatre, to live music performances. Get a couple drinks in you both, and do something you probably haven't done in ages--make out in the car! Then when you drop her off, kiss her outside the door, just like you would a first date. Don't even go in, don't ask for sex ever. Some other time if she invites you in, do some couch cuddling while watching a movie, and again, don't even try to get more than some make-out time. Think...how to get her desire charging again--without release. This will rebuild the relationship by putting romance back into it. This will rebuild the romance by arousing her desire, yet not giving her release, which will give her more desire--and a goal of sex. You have to arouse her desire without releasing it! That's what early dating period does to us all, yes? Think romantic heros of old movies. Cary Grant, whomever. You get the picture? Edited April 14, 2011 by You Go Girl Link to post Share on other sites
Author change Posted April 15, 2011 Author Share Posted April 15, 2011 I think that's all very true, You Go Girl. When I put that out there, my wife said she wasn't ready to start dating me again yet. When we went to have a conversation last weekend, I planned the whole thing (she liked that). Took her to someplace romantic and outdoors. Packed a picnic. Then went to the beach, and since we were still talking, took her out to dinner. I'm calling it a "lite" date. We both enjoyed ourselves. The next meeting took place at the house and took a couples steps backwards. I think the "lite" dates are the way forward... when I can get her to meet me to do something, which is hard, since she's not open to me asking for a traditional "date" yet. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
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