PollyIvy Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 Question for people on both sides. When you feel/think/say that you don't really love your partner anymore, what is going on inside your head? When your partner says that to you, what can you do or have your done to deal with it? Just totally sitting on the fence here... Link to post Share on other sites
marqueemoon4 Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 pretty sure its along the same lines as "i love you, but I'm not in love with you anymore". could be a third party? Link to post Share on other sites
Author PollyIvy Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 The 3rd party is out of the picture. There seems to be some deep-seated anger and resentment towards me. It's just hard to know if the man is 'done' or if I should keep trying... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 When you feel/think/say that you don't really love your partner anymore, what is going on inside your head? I felt totally and undeniably abandoned. Said those words too. Done. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 IME, it means that the feelings I have are similar to those I would have for a friend or a brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 When you tell your partner youre not in love with them anymore, youre thinking of all of the months that you have been turned off to them, and all of the things that turned you off about them. The slow fade of emotions. Then you start looking at other people. After all that, is when you say you dont love them anymore. Then you worry about how they will react when you know you will blindside them. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 The 3rd party is out of the picture. There seems to be some deep-seated anger and resentment towards me. Then the 3rd party is not out of the picture. There is either another 3rd party or still feelings for the original one. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PollyIvy Posted March 10, 2011 Author Share Posted March 10, 2011 When you tell your partner youre not in love with them anymore, youre thinking of all of the months that you have been turned off to them, and all of the things that turned you off about them. The slow fade of emotions. Then you start looking at other people. After all that, is when you say you dont love them anymore. Then you worry about how they will react when you know you will blindside them. Very illuminating, Eddie! Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 "I don't love you like before". What does it mean? It means that the person is too immature or lazy to recognize that one does not feel all butterflies and unicorns about another all of the time. Feelings of love are dynamic, not static. Recognizing this is paramount for one enjoying any long term romantic relationship. The person making a statement, such as the quoted, doesn't understand truly mature love and if they aren't willing to figure it out then they likewise don't deserve it. When another presents such a silly statement, it's usually best to decide if one is willing to wait for the other to mature. Regardless of the decision, doing a 180 is most likely best for all involved. Anything else will encourage the immature or lackadaisical behavior in the other. Link to post Share on other sites
highviolet Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 When you tell your partner youre not in love with them anymore, youre thinking of all of the months that you have been turned off to them, and all of the things that turned you off about them. The slow fade of emotions. Then you start looking at other people. After all that, is when you say you dont love them anymore. Then you worry about how they will react when you know you will blindside them. this. Well said. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 It means that the person is too immature or lazy to recognize that one does not feel all butterflies and unicorns about another all of the time. Feelings of love are dynamic, not static. Recognizing this is paramount for one enjoying any long term romantic relationship. The person making a statement, such as the quoted, doesn't understand truly mature love and if they aren't willing to figure it out then they likewise don't deserve it. When another presents such a silly statement, it's usually best to decide if one is willing to wait for the other to mature. Regardless of the decision, doing a 180 is most likely best for all involved. Anything else will encourage the immature or lackadaisical behavior in the other. FreeNow: TOTALLY AGREE!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Yasuandio Posted March 10, 2011 Share Posted March 10, 2011 (edited) Question for people on both sides. When you feel/think/say that you don't really love your partner anymore, what is going on inside your head? When your partner says that to you, what can you do or have your done to deal with it? Just totally sitting on the fence here... "I don't love you like before" "I love you but I' not in love with you" "My love for you has changed" "I love you more like a brother or sister" "I still love you, but as a friend" Here is what they CANNOT say: I do not love you anymore. I am not going to be in love with you again. Our romantic relationship is over. You need to move on. There is no hope for you to have a future with me, period. Why don't they just say that? Let's examine some possible scenerios: 1. They wanna keep stringing you along just in case current new thing doesn't work out. 2. They are BSing you because they know there will be hell to pay if you were to ever utter those words. 3. They are effing spinless, gutless cowards, to chicken to be up front and honest. Rather, they hide behind voice mail, etc., until you finially figure it out. 4. Perhaps the whole thing was a sham and they just can't face you with the real truth. 5. The truth is easier to swallow if you soften it a bit by extending the option of friendship and/or FWB. 6. They met someone else and no longer want to be with you, and wanna keep it on the Q-T, until they are legally free. In other words, they gotta worm out of this kindly (not necessarily truthfully) as possible. 7. For some very real reason they are just not into anymore. The real reason might be so embarassing, that they simply gotta just get the relationship over with with as little fanfare as possible. These are just a few ideas of why I think people vasolate on the love topic. Deep true love doesn't just evaporate - no way. Edited March 10, 2011 by Yasuandio Link to post Share on other sites
FreeNow Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 Deep true love doesn't just evaporate - no way. Well stated! Link to post Share on other sites
Author PollyIvy Posted March 11, 2011 Author Share Posted March 11, 2011 Yeah, I got the "I don't love you like before". I also got "I will always love you on a certain level because you are the mother of my children". Makes a girl feel REAL special... I wish I knew if it was a phase, or if he is totally done. I am waiting around, and of course giving up any 'power' in relationship by waiting. We've been married 15 years... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 IMO, as a man who's processed 'deep love' and 'marital love' to an indifferent state, if your H of 15 years is saying things like that to you, he's done. Men who love their wives in any substantial way would never say things like that. I had occasion to spend some time yesterday with my now exW to validate exactly how that feels, or, more precisely, how it feels like nothing, meaning an absence of any feeling. Having been on the receiving end of such dearth many times in life, it was my first experience with the dynamic as the initiator of indifference. My sympathies... Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted March 11, 2011 Share Posted March 11, 2011 There are many potential emotions evolved in saying this to (what was?) your committed partner or spouse. So very often, it's the G&G syndrome or any number of connecting reasons, like the ones listed by Yasuandio. But this one thing is certain; if one person says this to another, believe them. It is very much a proclamation. Whether this remains the case remains to be seen. At least for one who's walking away. Doubts arise, later, when the unhappy spouse realizes there is far more to a happy relationship than the thrill of starting it. And that's the problem with superficial love. See, more times than not, it isn't that the walk away's feelings have changed for you. The real issue is that your love has stopped making them feel good about themselves. Why don't more people say this to their children? ...Kid; my feelings have changed...once, I was crazy about you but now I'm hoping to meet (or have met) other children. It will make me happier. It will be more exciting. It will fulfill be the chemical rush I'm seeking. But that doesn't happen, does it? I mean if it did, the person doing the leaving would be regarded as scum. The difference is real love. In my opinion, if a person says they 'don't love' you anymore, they never did, because real love doesn't work that way. The problem is people don't know what real love is because they are selfish. The ability to love, and be loved in return is a gift. The same (type of) person who would return / exchange a gift will apply the same logic to their relationships. Imitation love cannot, and will not last. Years can pass before it fades, but it will. Sadly, it's usually the ones left behind who really learn this lesson. Link to post Share on other sites
Fleur de Lis Posted March 12, 2011 Share Posted March 12, 2011 This may or may not apply, but my thoughts kind of align with FreeNow and Yasuandio posts. Here is the crux of it for me. We all need to figure out if love is a noun or a verb. Is love a conscious action you engage in or is it an intangible object that simply appears and disappears throughout one's life? I tend to fall in the camp that says love is a verb. I choose who I love and I give love to the people that have proven themselves of being able to reciprocate that love on a high emotional plane. I don't feel that love is some kind of commodity that can increase or decrease in size due to some external factors largely or partly out of our control. It's not something that can be "found" or "lost". I think we feel love to the degree that we are capable of giving love. Therefore, if someone "feels/thinks/says they don't love their partner anymore" it tells me that for whatever reason or reasons that person has made a conscious decision to stop loving their partner (or made a conscious decision to love their partner to a lesser degree than they did before). Relationships can get into a rut and each partner in that relationship can get to a spot where they question if the degree of the love that they are giving in a relationship has a similar degree of effort being put forth from the other partner. It's a pivotal point. Relationships are strongest when both partners are conscious of the breadth and depth of value that the other brings to their lives and both are motivated to treat each other in kind. Relationships are weakest when one or both partners decide that elevated effort is no longer worth doing. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author PollyIvy Posted March 13, 2011 Author Share Posted March 13, 2011 I am hearing that I should believe my H. It's true, I've been in denial a long time, and trying so hard to make things work - but none of my solutions work. I never believed that he could actually NOT love me. So H is out of town on business. I called him yesterday ago and told him that I have finally 'heard' what he is saying about how he feels about me. He was like "wha....?" I told him that I love him very much, but it's ok if he doesn't feel the same about me. There's nothing I can do about it anyway. It felt sooooo good - to let go. Then I got online and went house hunting in my faraway home town... Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted March 13, 2011 Share Posted March 13, 2011 When you feel/think/say that you don't really love your partner anymore, what is going on inside your head? .. that the relationship is basically over Link to post Share on other sites
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