What about the Kids?

[desperate]

O.K. I have accepted that my marriage is not going to continue....

 

I am a father of a 15 month old boy, and he is the sunshine of my life. My wife left me 3 weeks ago today, and we decided that it would be best for him to live in his home, in his crib, for the purposes of stability. My wife has been living in an unfinished concrete basement since she left--not really a desirable place for a baby to stay. Now she is getting her own apartment and she wants our son to move in with her.

 

I don't know what to do! My wife gets off work at 3:30 every day and picks our son up from daycare. She gets to see him for 3 hours before I get off work to pick him up. Once he and I get home, I've only got about an hour--maybe an hour & 1/2 to spend with him before he goes to bed. We divide the weekend, because she works one day every weekend anyway. I have been very generous in letting him spend the night with her 2-3 times a week even though that means I have to go a whole day without seeing him. I think this is a great arrangement because at least we both get to see him every day.

 

Problem is, if he goes to live with her, the only way I will ever see him is if I "visit" him at her apartment. I will never get to wake him up in the morning, I will never get to put him to bed, and visiting him is not the same as living with him! I know that she is the mom, and she has the mother/son bond and everything, but I don't think it's fair that just because she left me, she has to take our son away from me too.

 

I am curious if anyone else has been in a similar situation, and how they dealt with it. I don't want things to get "ugly" between my wife and I. I would like to give her the divorce and still remain friends to the extent that it is possible, but already, we are in a HUGE fight about what to do with our boy.

 

Any thoughts on how to peacefully negotiate this so that we are both happy?

 

Thanks!

[moimeme]

A mediator might help. Custody battles can get very unpleasant; perhaps if you involve a third party before either of you gets too wedded to your positions you might be able to negotiate something satisfactory to both.

[desperate]

I spoke with a lawyer, and he told me that if I file for divorce (which is what my wife wants me to do) in the current circumstance, that I will have a temporary advantage in the custody issue. Would it be cruel and unusual punishment to my wife if I file? He said that since my wife chose to leave my son with me when she left, that I could file for temporary physical custody of my son and that during the divorce proceedings, I would be the custodial parent.

 

I DON'T want to take my son from my wife. That is not my intention at all. I simply don't want her to take him from me! I am still reeling at the revelation that my marriage is over. I am still not use to the fact that my wife has chosen to no longer live with me. I feel like if she takes my son away right now, it might just be too much to bear.

 

I'm not suicidal or anything like that... I have a lust for life and I know that everything is going to be fine in the end, I just think that dealing with one loss at a time is enough!

 

I could go through a mediator, and get results, or I could file as my lawyer told me and get the results I want. I know if I do what my lawyer suggests, it would crush my wife. Even though I would like to pursue a friendship with her through this mess for the sake of my son, I feel like I have thought about her feelings enough since she left me, and that I should do this because it is what is best for me and for my son.

 

Thoughts?

[moimeme]

Lawyers are obliged to not think of the other person. This is why divorces and custody battles can get ugly. I would urge you to try to resolve this by negotiation, through a mediator. You can always have the lawyer's suggested course of action as your fallback position.

[CompliKated]

I have no experience in this, but logically, if you are the custodial parent (if you take the advice and file, and at least get the temporary 'upper hand'), then you will have control over how much (or how little) your wife gets to see your son.

 

You said that the present arrangement works well. If you have custody, you can choose to continue the present arrangement, and your wife does not have the power to change it.

 

By taking that control, you preserve your own parental rights, and you can choose to perseve hers too.

 

If she has control, she may or may not be as fair.

 

IMO, do what you need to do, because it sounds to me like you have the best intersest of your child at heart - and all too often, parents put their own needs first.

 

Go for it - and bless you.

 

CompliKated

[Thor]

One way or another, whether you or your wife does it first, a lawyer will have to get involved. At the very least, he/she will need to "draw up" your divorce papers. The papers will consist of varying things like division of real property, monies, and all other material things. It will also consist of some type of family plan which consists of custodial rights, child support, and time spent with the child or children. How you get to this point is up to the both of you. A mediator or a 3rd party is a great idea as moimeme pointed out. It's important that the both of you put down in writing what you both want and what you both can agree to so that you can remain on friendly terms with each other. I feel that it is important to remain on friendly terms just because your son will be sharing his life between the two of you, and that it will be necessary for him to feel that you're both separated because of the both of you and not because of him.

 

In my situation, my ex and I put down in writing that I can come over on the weeknights between 5pm and 9pm to have dinner with them and to tuck them in at night. I have them on weekends as well. Sure, I can't be there when they cry out in the middle of the night or when they wake up in the morning, but I believe that I have a schedule that I can live with considering the circumstances. We put this down in writing because we both know that people can change over time. She or I may acquire another love interest in the future that may not "like" the presence of the ex, but with our conditions in writing it should help to alleviate some that "ill will" in the future.

 

I truly hope that the two of you can find a schedule that is best for you both as well as your son.

[cindy0039]

It's never good to let the lawyers make decisions for you. It is in their best interest to have things adversarial. The longer it drags out, the more hearings, meetings, papers, etc., the better for them financially. The other poster is right, they do not have the best interests of all involved in their mind, only theirs and yours (their client). I think you and your son's mother would be better off working out an arrangement among yourselves and signing off on it, if possible; or, in the alternative, using a mediator that is experienced in dealing with family law, someone who will have the child's best interests at heart. Good luck to you. My heart goes out to your son.

[2SidestoStories]

What I have discovered, going through the divorce process right now, is that having a third party non-lawyer involved is essential to maintaining a civil relationship with my own ex. We have two children between us, and although we have had some very intense conflicts, and will continue to have some very strong disagreement between us, we've begun to reach some very reasonable conclusions about where we currently are, and how we want things to be for the children. I have a very difficult time trusting my ex, but know that I will have to, since I do want him to be involved in the childrens' lives; it is my opinion that assuming both parents want to be involved, this ought to be the case, save for extreme circumstances such as abuse.

 

One of the most valuable aspects of third-party involvement is developing a cooperative parenting plan that you and your ex are both comfortable with. Like Thor mentioned above, mediators do tend to have the best interests of the children in mind.

 

I can tell you that if you allow your fear of your wife taking your son away motivate you, you'll end up hurting yourself, your child, and your wife a great deal more than if you choose to approach the situation with your son's best interests in mind. Chances are, in the heightened emotional state you have found yourself in regards to the departure, you and your wife are unwilling to communicate with one another. This is another way in which mediation can assist you: instead of falling into the trap of finger-pointing, accusation, and suspicion (as trust has been violated for both you and your wife, in some facet or another, undoubtedly) which are all very destructive, a mediator may be able to help you and your wife find agreement that perhaps you could not have come to on your own. You may learn that the "plans" you and your wife have for your children are very similar.

 

I'm quite willing to share any of my own experience in the divorce process with you, since I am going through it right now. My heart goes out to you and your son.

[desperate]

Thank you all for your words. For some reason, it's very helpful to get opinions of total strangers.

 

Unfortunately, I really feel I have no option at this point other than the lawyer. I called my wife today and asked her if this was something that we would be able to discuss and negotiate like mature adults, and she pretty much said the only negotiating that needed to be done was on my end. Basically, she just wants her way.

 

Through this whole thing, she has gotten her way. I haven't stood in the way of her moving out, I have helped her financially to the best of my ability, I have accepted that she no longer wants to be my wife, and I have even taken steps to procure a divorce. But quite frankly, I don't want a divorce. I guess I just feel that finally, I need to have a say in how fast my world crumbles around me.

 

I know that perhaps it is selfish of me to want to be able to see my son on a regular basis, but I have absolutely no experience with broken families. My parents are still married (rare these days). I am just afraid that I won't know how to be a good father to my son if he isn't around. I've never experienced any role models for being a good absentee father and it is very frightening.

 

I already regret getting the lawyer involved, because after I set the ball in motion, I got on the divorce as friends website and learned that perhaps it wasn't the best idea in the world. I guess the only thing that makes me feel justified is that I love my son and I feel that I am not thinking only of myself in these actions.

 

Like I said earlier, I don't want to take my son from my wife. I would be perfectly happy continuing the current arrangement. I just don't want to take my son away from me....

[moimeme]

A mediator could accomplish that. Using a lawyer may up the ante and spur her to try to fight you harder. You can still go to mediation.

[desperate]

I guess I just don't know what mediation is exactly...

 

Is it a legal binding agreement?

 

I know what a mediator is and I understand the purpose of one when 2 people cannot communicate, but I feel like I need something legal to protect my rights as a parent.

 

In my state, the law ALWAYS favors the mother. My wife knows that, and so I think that makes this whole thing even more difficult.

 

I don't feel good about being adversarial, but I just don't know enough about mediation to trust it will work for me. Everything I've been told about seeing a mediator (I have gotten a LOT of bad advice from other men going through divorces) is that I might as well just give my son to my wife for free. At least it would save me the cost of the mediator.

 

I guess I am just scared. Plain and simple. I love my son too much to take chances.

 

Anybody?

[Angel]

Have you thought about what is in the best interest of your son? Don't take this wrong, but it sounds like you're thinking of yourself and what is fair for you and not what is in his best interest. Is your wife a good parent? If she is, it is probably better for him at this young age to be with her for most of the time. He needs a stable home, not being pulled and pushed in two households, no matter how unfair that might seem to you. He would be better off sleeping in the same bed with the same routine for most of the month. Later, when he's older, it might be in his best interest to be with you. You sound like a loving father and I am sure she and the courts will allow liberal visitation--because that is in the best interest of your son.

Hope this helps.

From a teacher with 27 years of experience.

[moimeme]

It isn't like binding arbitration. You both sit down with someone who tries to get both of you the best settlement for both - and the child. It isn't an either-or; you can go to mediation and if it doesn't work then go to court. Sometimes the courts look on you kindly if you try mediation first because it shows you wanted to try to avoid spending court time on the issue. The mediator will try to get you both to negotiate something that's fair to everyone.

[desperate]

Have I forgotten that I love this woman? Have I forgotten that I promised to love and cherish her through good times & bad, richer & poorer, sickness & in health?

 

I realize that she doesn't love me, and that sucks. But that doesn't mean that I have to stop loving her! I don't mean that in a way that is psycho or anything. It's just that all of a sudden, I realized that I made promises to her that through whatever circumstances in our marriage, I was unable to keep. I didn't love her in the ways that she needed to be loved. It's understandable that she doesn't love me, because for the past 2 years, she hasn't felt love from me. I've been loving her in all the ways that I wanted to be loved rather than trying to find out how she wanted me to love her.

 

Just because she has decided to end our marriage doesn't have to change the fact that I love her, it only has to change the nature of my love. I don't think that I will ever stop loving her. I think it would be unhealthy for me to try and pretend that I don't love her. I think there are healthy ways to love her outside of our marriage, and to ensure that my love for her is conducive, not detrimental, to our relationship.

 

Just because she has decided to end our marriage doesn't mean that she is all of a sudden my enemy! Yes, I hate what she is doing, and I wish I could just talk some sense to her, but to her it already makes sense! Why can't I just realize that and let her go?

 

I am ranting and raving here, I know... But this is all related to this post, I promise. I have called off the dogs (the lawyer). My wife and I were never good at communicating throughout the entirety of our marriage...NEVER! That has to stop now. We have to learn how to negotiate with each other peacefully. I honestly feel like I have my son's best interests in mind by trying to control the situation, but how can I even begin to know what I HONESTLY have in mind. I am an emotional wreck! How can I trust any of my instincts when all I want to do is lash out and hurt the one that I love because she is hurting me!

 

I CANNOT USE MY SON TO GET BACK AT MY WIFE!!!!! I would hate myself forever if I knew I used him for anything so dastardly as that.

 

Thank You all for helping me step back from my situation for a clearer look at what is going on. Your words and advice have probably saved me much guilt, and much regret.

 

I still don't have an answer as to what is going to happen with my son right now. I am still scared. But I do know that if I simply approach my wife with love, that somehow we are going to be able to behave like the mature adults we are supposed to be.

 

I honestly hope that we can both see how our selfishness can effect our decisions, and that we will be able to figure this out on our own. But if we end up having to go through a mediator, I feel a bit more comfortabe now.

 

Thank You All!

[2SidestoStories]

I'm so glad that you could come to this sort of realization, D. I truly hope that throughout this entire thing you are able to continue to remind yourself of this attitude. Yes, it does suck that she does not love you any longer, or that she believes that she does not love you any longer.

 

I cannot even begin to express how happy I am for you in this, and just remember that if you need support in some form or another, we're still here to help you out.

 

[desperate]

My wife came over tonight and we had a conversation.

 

A CONVERSATION!!!! We were (for the most part) rational and un-emotional. We discussed what to do with our son, what we are going to do with our marriage, what we are going to do in the meantime. It was very good.

 

All day long, all of your words from this post have been running through my head. I called my wife and asked her (again) if we could negotiate this situation calmly, and she agreed that we could. She came over and we just talked.

 

I expressed my concerns (which I have expressed to you) and she expressed hers, and we came to a conclusion--actually, it's what I came up with earlier in the day, but she agreed to it.

 

My son is going to live with her now . But she has agreed that I can come and see him and hang out with him and tuck him into bed 2 or 3 nights a week. Plus, he can come stay with me on the weekends. This is SO far from what I had in mind even this morning when I woke up, but like I said, I thought hard about it all day long.

 

I am very sad that he will not be living with me now. In fact, after my wife left, I just sat and cried. But they were selfish tears and if I really think about what is best for my son, then I know that this was a right decision.

 

ALSO ----- THIS IS MAJOR NEWS!!!!!

 

She agreed to legally separate for 12 months. This is huge because even just yesterday, she wanted a divorce NOW! I explained that we are both in a heightened state of emotion, and that we need to take some time for the dust to settle. We have a lot of work that we need to take care of on ourselves without the pressure of trying to work on our marriage. She agreed...

 

YAAAY!!!