Possible Separation

[Lady_Lucifr]

Hi everyone,

First time posting anything on here.

Basicly what I need is advice on how to proceed with my BF. We have a 2yr old son that we both adore but I think we are not in love with each other anymore. He says he loves me and he wants to work things out and I dont see it happening anymore.

 

We had a discussion last night and it didnt go very well. I was telling him how he lacks motivation and I just feel like he goes about his life in "whatever" mode and I am just not like that. I need someone who is driven and thinks about more than just today. I feel like all of the important decisions are made by me and sometimes I need him to take charge and he does not. He was not working for close to a year and I was ok with that because i figured he would use that time to do something useful like go back to school and learn a new trade. Given the impact his job has on our future and the fact that it is never stable I figured he would take that time and maybe have a plan B. But his answer is no. He doesnt want to go back to school unless he is getting paid to do it. In this day an age that is virtually impossible. There are thousands of people looking for jobs and the last thing corporations want is to invest in someone who might not work out.

 

I wont discuss the sex life because its bad and embarrasing for someone his age. You shouldnt be ok with popping blue pills at 25.

 

I just need help. I feel like I might be to hard on him or making him be someone he is not. So where does that leave us?

[youweremyanchor]

I think the work situation and lack of motivation are big items for you two. It appears you've had the discussion before and hasn't done anything. I'm not usually a fan of ultimatums, but have you thought about laying it all out on the table and saying "look, if you don't get your act together, I'm going to leave"?

[debtman]

Welcome to LS...

 

Tricky situation. Was he like this when you first started dating?? Often times, things that attract people to each other initially (easy going attitude, carefree lifestyle, etc.) can turn into turn-offs as the relationship develops.

 

While the ultimatum might work, there might be another way to "help" him become more focused. Depends on how much you want to work on the relationship. If you set up a "goal chart" for yourself that you post someplace you can see it all the time and check yourself against it, that might help him get motivated. Tell him you want to make plans for your future together but you need to know where his head is at and what he's looking to do. Come up with short and long-term goals that can be measured.

 

You can't change another person. You need to think about what drew you together in the first place and if that's enough to build on. Your son is young enough that he would adjust to a divorce situation, but it's very painful for everyone and if there's ANY WAY to work things out (MC, IC, etc.) it's worth exploring every possibility.

 

The biggest thing you can do is TALK about it with him. Tell him how you're feeling. Don't attack him or try to make him feel like a loser. Try to avoid using "you" in the discussion and focus on "me." Come up with some "rules" for talking. Establish a "safe talk" time where you don't interrupt each other, take turns speaking completely honestly about likes/dislikes/fears, etc. and take time afterward to "cool" down and reflect before continuing more discussion.

 

Good luck and keep posting...

[Lady_Lucifr]

Thank you for the advice.

We started dating in high school so the concerns we had then are in no way the same as now. We separated for a period of 2 to 3 years because he was very controlling and I couldnt take it. I decided to give him time to grow up and he did to a certain degree.

Now I want more from him than he is willing to offer and I believe he would rather ignore the problems than face them head on. If I dont bring up the situation and say "hey we need to talk" it would never happen. I keep a lot of my stress and disatisfaction bottled up that in time I start to snap. My next step would probably be MC but I am unsure if he would take that well. I dont think he wants to be aware of the situation...he is not the greatest communicator and that is also another issue. we literally dont have conversations. None.

[debtman]

So many of the stories I read in here center around lack of communication. If you're not talking, it's going to lead to other problems.

 

It may just be a matter of finding a "moment" where you have a quiet period, taking his hand, looking in his eyes and saying, "I'm really having some problems with the marriage and the relationship. I feel like I need to be able to communicate better and I really want to make this work and make this last. I want to be able to talk with you openly and honestly and get your open and honest input so we can figure out how to make this work."

 

Or something like that. Try putting the onus of making things work on you and not on him. Tell him you want to set some ground-rules for communicating.

 

Before you say anything, spend some time reading through the marriagebuilders site, http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Read through the Basic Concepts, the forums, fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and get a good idea of what you want to explore when you do talk.

 

Let him know how you feel. Let him know you're not satisfied with the way things are now and, if he really wants to stay with you, you both need to make some changes...

 

Good luck!

[Nutmeg617]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to write and tell you that I can very much relate to where you're at right now. If you dig up my first thread from last year you may see some similarities in our situations. It's beyond frustrating to try to have a relationship with a complacent partner. I know what it feels like to want to grow as a person but feel like you're tethered to a boulder. With my H I thought it was depression, but he recently entered IC (props to him for that) and his therapist doesn't think he's depressed. I almost wished he was (not in a mean way) because then at least something would be there that could possibly be fixed. Now it seems that this is just the way he is and that scares the hell out of me.

 

I'm sorry you have to try to deal with this whole mess. It's very lonely and maddening. Try MC if you actually want to work on things (I don't think I have it in me anymore). If your mountain of resentment hasn't grown too big it just might help. It can at least give you some valuable relationship tools that you get to take with you wherever you decide you want to end up. Good luck.

[Lady_Lucifr]

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to write and tell you that I can very much relate to where you're at right now. If you dig up my first thread from last year you may see some similarities in our situations. It's beyond frustrating to try to have a relationship with a complacent partner. I know what it feels like to want to grow as a person but feel like you're tethered to a boulder. With my H I thought it was depression, but he recently entered IC (props to him for that) and his therapist doesn't think he's depressed. I almost wished he was (not in a mean way) because then at least something would be there that could possibly be fixed. Now it seems that this is just the way he is and that scares the hell out of me.

 

I'm sorry you have to try to deal with this whole mess. It's very lonely and maddening. Try MC if you actually want to work on things (I don't think I have it in me anymore). If your mountain of resentment hasn't grown too big it just might help. It can at least give you some valuable relationship tools that you get to take with you wherever you decide you want to end up. Good luck.

 

 

Thank you. That is exactly how I feel. Could not have put it any better.

[Lady_Lucifr]

So many of the stories I read in here center around lack of communication. If you're not talking, it's going to lead to other problems.

 

It may just be a matter of finding a "moment" where you have a quiet period, taking his hand, looking in his eyes and saying, "I'm really having some problems with the marriage and the relationship. I feel like I need to be able to communicate better and I really want to make this work and make this last. I want to be able to talk with you openly and honestly and get your open and honest input so we can figure out how to make this work."

 

Or something like that. Try putting the onus of making things work on you and not on him. Tell him you want to set some ground-rules for communicating.

 

Before you say anything, spend some time reading through the marriagebuilders site, http://www.marriagebuilders.com

Read through the Basic Concepts, the forums, fill out the emotional needs questionnaire and get a good idea of what you want to explore when you do talk.

 

Let him know how you feel. Let him know you're not satisfied with the way things are now and, if he really wants to stay with you, you both need to make some changes...

 

Good luck!

 

 

I have been reading about that website all over this site. I will definately look at it. Thank you for the advice. I would like to try to make it work but i think I also want to know that in the event it does not, I did everything I could to make it.

 

Thank You!