Chances of reconciliation - my thoughts

[willowthewisp]

Having been left two years ago and having read on LS, I have noticed some patterns when it comes to those who reconcile and those who don't.

 

I thought I would try and list some observations below and see what you all make of them?

 

HEALTH WARNING you may not like what you read if you are just starting out on this rollarcoaster and still have hope of reconcilliation, although reading this may save you a lot of time and pain.

 

To my mind there are different types of divorce -

 

1. Marital breakdown

Things in the marriage between the spouses have been rocky for quite a long time, probably a good percentage of your marriage relative to the length of it. Both spouses are fully aware that there are problems. In all liklihood there has been fighting and emotional withdrawal of one or both spouses from each other.

 

The key here, is that both spouses are aware of the difficulties, even if one spouse thinks they can be solved. Some of these couples will go to MC and some won't.

 

At the point where the decision is made either both spouses agree (not many here on LS because really why would they need to be here?) or one spouse pulls the plug and the other spouse would rather continue fighting for the marriage, is hurt, but quickly accepts and moves on.

 

Chances of reconciliation - high possibilty in the future if both spouses find they are unhappy alone/with another relationship etc. Also a high possibility of a healthy friendship at some point down the line.

 

2. Infidelity

This may happen in one of two ways, either both spouses know there are problems as above, but one spouse chooses to cheat or one spouse does not even bother to let the other spouse know they are unhappy (due to complete naricissitic tendencies/selfish unempathetic personality or some sort of issue within themselves such as fear of confilct, intimacy etc) and cheats whilst lying and decieving their spouse for their own benefit (either financial or emotional - the keeping them on the string, grass is greener syndrome, test driving the OM/OW, back up plan).

 

Chances of reconciliation - option one - unlikely, option two 50/50 chance depending on how far into testing driving they are and how you react, sometimes if you manage the 180 you may be able to pull them out of the affair fog, but ask yourself, do you really want someone who is inherently so selfish and has no regard for you or the love that you at one time shared?

 

3. The walk away spouse

Two meanings - one - the other spouse knows there is problems but the walk away refuses to work on them as they have failed to raise the issues early enough due to some issue within themself (see above). Personally I think this one is rare because it is very difficult to maintain an act and a lie for a really long time to allow such a level of emotional detachment, the spouse being detached from will be aware things are not right, if it's that bad you will not miss the signs. Unless of course you are dealing with a very manipulative, cold individual capable of hidding their true feelings and acting for many many years or things haven't been that bad but the leaving spouse is a flake and can't be bothered to put any effort in to resolving things at all, lives in the movies and thinks romantic love should be perfect ALL the time etc, so re-writes the marital history to justify their own bad behaviour.

 

Two - the walk away who has given no indiction of any problems or unhappiness. This can occur when the walk away has serious issues within themself. This is your committment phobic, NPD, BPD, MLCer, person with servere conflict avoidance, intimacy avoidance problems. This leaves the other spouse in a state of total shock and wondering what they missed, when in fact they missed nothing because the relationship was actually good. The left spouse will search for closure, they will self blame, they will look for the reason why, when in thruth this about the other spouses' issue.

 

Chances of reconcilliation - Barely any, unless the walk away addresses their issue, this may never happen or if it does will probably be a very long time in the future when they realise what they have done.

 

4. The unhappy spouse making it clear but clearly not out the door yet.

This is the spouse who is threatening divorce, talking divorce/seperation but their actions show they aren't quite gone yet. They are probably still in the same house, maybe even still in the same bed and having sex with you.

 

Chances of reconciliation - very high if you really put in the effort to resolve the problems.

Care needs to be taken however that you are not dealing with a cheating spouse in disguise.

 

Well there you go, obviously just my opinion and I am sure some will disagree, I don't claim to be an authority!

 

What do you all make of it?

[feelingfine]

very good post!! Thanks for that! I feel I am in a couple of those categories...husband walked away and never looked back...has continued his affair for nearly 2 years.

 

It gets better, but not yet easier.

[trippi1432]

Kudos Willow - very good post. I do believe circumstances can fall in and between some of those as well. My marriage clearly fit in the first category which led to the second category....if he had even taken MC seriously, things might have been saved...but I do admit that after years of the problems, I was so emotionally spent, I had nothing left to give to try and recover from the affair (that he still denies). Like Feelingfine...mine is still there...and not looking back (and honestly, I find myself lucky in that regard).

[willowthewisp]

Hi Trippi, yep you're right, they are broad categories and I doubt I've covered every eventuality as at the end of the day it's human behaviour, but broadly.

 

As for your ex and yours too Feeling fine, they are still with OW now, but really will it last the course? Doubtful because they never learnt how to resolve confilct! Never learnt how to look at themself and choose to run to another. I suppose some might learn next time, but I think cheaters will always be cheaters for the most part anyway and don't forget they are with a cheater too!

[Albertan]

I've only been on LS for a couple of months and I can truly say the amount of stories that have the same theme, same patterns and literally word for word the same garbage that comes out of a WS mouth is depressing.

 

One of the interesting things I have noticed is the differences between men and women's posts and how striking it is to have different view of a marriage from each perspective. If it is something I am learning from here is that men and women view marriage completely differently and often have conflicting expectations of what a marriage should be whether you've been married for 2 years or twenty. Certainly it also seems from many posts that the moment things get difficult one person is far to willing to walk away or look outside the marriage to find someone to "meet their needs", emotionally and/or physically.

 

Of course every persons situation is different but the similarities of what lead to an affair or a decision to move on are so common that at times I despair (no, really). Especially when I compare them to my own situation.

 

I'm kinda rambling here and I have a lot of thoughts on the subject but its a good post Willow and certainly does highlight four very broad situations.

[worlybear]

Spot on Willow!

How're you doing?

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

[willowthewisp]

Spot on Willow!

How're you doing?

Hugs:bunny::bunny:

 

Hi Worly and all,

 

How am I doing? Well, I'm in the midst of my postgrad exams (the first round, next lot in June, then I'm done), 8 exams over 10 days, pretty tired! LOL

 

Aside from that I am angry, actually no, I'm furious! :mad:

 

Finally, after finishing IC I have stopped turning the anger inwards in myself and self-blaming and now I am absolutely furious with my ex for what he has done to me, to us, and since. Cutting me out of his life like some sort of cancer after 20 years, not so much as a text message on my birthday, or even just a quick text to check I am OK. Not that I'm suprised, he made me homeless after all, so why would he care if I'm OK?

 

I swing between absolute anger and self-blame again. Yet I know now from the IC that I didn't deserve this and he had no reason to do it, just an inability to look at himself and admit to himself his issues, so much easier to blame the other person. My self blame has been so bad that I even thought at one point that my counsellor was just telling me what I needed to hear to spare my feelings. He wasn't.

 

Anyway, some advice would be good please, I keep getting the urge to express my anger to him. I've read it's really important to express the anger in order to let go and move on, reach indifference. I've been through every other stage of the grieving process and I really think once this anger has been expressed I will finally be able to get him out of my head and life for good. I hate the fact he has any control over my emotions, but in order to stop that I feel this urge to express my anger as I never did before.

 

However, I am also aware this could be a very bad idea and lead to more hurt for me if he responds. I have a follow up appointment with my IC in a couple of weeks and plan on discussing it then, but any advice would be appreciated. Is there a way to express it without having to contact him? I can't see writing a letter and burning it helping.

[tojaz]

Willow, that want to express that anger is universal, you want him to hear what you have learned, and face what he has done. Welcome to my world!

 

Unfortunately, you have also learned that he is uncapable of seeing those things. I've written pages and pages to my exwife. In time i have come to fully understand what happened, why she left, and unfortunately have also had to see the destruction shes caused along the way.

 

They don't get it Willow! They don't want to, thats why they hide, its why they run. Trying to express your anger to them is a trap. If they respond, that response will most definitely open old wounds. If they don't? Thats just another slight to make your anger and hurt grow. We all wish we could hear that heart felt apology, but it just doesn't happen.

 

Don't jeopardize all you have accomplished!!!!!!

 

TOJAZ

[Steadfast]

They don't get it Willow! They don't want to, thats why they hide, its why they run. Trying to express your anger to them is a trap. If they respond, that response will most definitely open old wounds. If they don't? Thats just another slight to make your anger and hurt grow. We all wish we could hear that heart felt apology, but it just doesn't happen.

 

Very well said Tojaz. Extremely insightful.

 

I was prepared to write my take on this theory...a response that many could understand from experience or recognize from what they've read here. In the end, it really doesn't matter because no matter how concise, how revealing or well thought out, the fact remains you're trying to craw into someone's head and when you do that, there's a lot of guesswork involved.

 

An inexact science.

 

Making matters worse is the reluctance of the 'guilty' (for lack of a better word) party to come clean about any of it. It's most likely a bad memory...a bad time...or not the brightest moment of their life either. It's been said many times and I believe it; the betrayed heal, learn and move on. Those who bulldoze their way through life (hopefully) learn before it's too late.

 

Remember: Not even cheaters like cheaters!

 

Treat others the way you want to be treated. The rest will sort itself out. Good post willow-

[trippi1432]

Willow - we all wish that our ex's could see the error of their ways...could give us that one thing that we need...an awareness of how their actions or their behavior hurt us and those around them. Fact is, they either have no consideration of how we feel or by the time they do, it's too late. In most cases, it's downright insensitivity or selfishness on their part.

 

My exH will never see the damage he caused his family, he will continue to lay all the blame on how everyone else causes his misery. The only person that is going to reach indifference and leave the anger behind is me. A letter won't do it, a "mature" discussion won't do it...it's a place I have to get to within myself.

 

If it helps, write something but take it to your IC to discuss it. I'm now working with our old MC to work on my agitation that putting up with a miserable man for 15 years left me with. Baggage is an awful thing...we all carry some of it and can't be helped...but getting to indifference does help to lighten the load.

[Logik]

The anger is difficult to get past. It's almost like you meant absolutely nothing to them. My ex wife never told me about there being anybody else in her life, despite us having kids. I thought I would at least be told that my children are hanging around her and some other guy. I found out about this guy when I picked my children up after she took them on a holiday. My son accidentally called me by OM's name. When I asked him who that was, he said he's mommy's babe and he was on holiday with them. I mean really?

 

Then the first time I see this guy was at my son's birthday party. She didn't even introduce me to him. This is the guy who's around my kids probably more than I am, and she just ignores the fact that I'm even there.

 

Sorry to hijack your thread here, I just wanted to point out the fact that the WS doesn't give a rat's a$$ about the one left behind. Nothing you say to them will make any difference. You have to deal with the stuff yourself. Sucks, I know.

[willowthewisp]

Thank you for the replies, I will post as soon as I can, two exams today, 6 hours of revision and an exam in the morning so can't really think that striaght right now.

 

Also, Worly I am sorry I was rather rude last night, I didn't even say thank you for asking after me or ask how you are doing?

[willowthewisp]

Willow, that want to express that anger is universal, you want him to hear what you have learned, and face what he has done. Welcome to my world!

 

Unfortunately, you have also learned that he is uncapable of seeing those things. I've written pages and pages to my exwife. In time i have come to fully understand what happened, why she left, and unfortunately have also had to see the destruction shes caused along the way.

 

They don't get it Willow! They don't want to, thats why they hide, its why they run. Trying to express your anger to them is a trap. If they respond, that response will most definitely open old wounds. If they don't? Thats just another slight to make your anger and hurt grow. We all wish we could hear that heart felt apology, but it just doesn't happen.

 

Don't jeopardize all you have accomplished!!!!!!

 

TOJAZ

 

Absolutely right Tojaz! they don't get it and it will achieve nothing except making me feel even angrier than I already do.

 

I'm not having a good time of it of it at the moment, I am doing postgrad exams, I have five this week, two tomorrow and I have just spent the last 12 hours solid revising. I am currently sitting in my 9ft by 10 ft room which I pretty much live in, with severe back ache as I do not have a desk to study at, thinking about how my ex has, (apparently, as it may not be true), moved some other women in and proposed after knowing her less than 7 months and less than 10 months after he left me.

 

He made me homeless and she is sat in my home, the home I broke my back to renovate, with my furniture that I choose, my pictures, my ornanments, using my wardrobe and so on. Whilst I sit here in a state of near exhaustion (no, I'm not exagerating) trying to desperately pass these exams so I can get my own home and move out of an abusive environment.

 

I'm so b****y upset! I'm angry but I'm hurt. Did I really deserve THIS? Nearly 20 years of my life and he didn't even have a reason to do this according to my IC, just an inability to look at his own issues and I get to deal with the consequences of his actions. Makes me never want to trust another living soul again.