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My Wife is No Longer in Love with Me


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About two years ago, my Wife and I started having financial problems. I was stressed a lot and probably checked out emotionally. We had a very expensive lifestyle and I resented my Wife a lot for not appreciating me more while going through this difficult time. We struggled, but we never had real marital problems. About three months ago I discovered she was e-mailing and texting a lot to an old college male friend she saw at a wedding. I was never so heartbroken. I confronted her about it and she explained how she had been feeling at that she was no longer in love with me. I asked if she slept with him and she said no. None of the e-mails or texts I read said anything about getting together in that way. He is separated from his Wife. I'm not stupid though, I am assuming they did.

 

Over the next month we were on a roller coaster. A lot of passion, a lot of anger and sadness. We were more intimate than ever. However, the last two months have been very challenging. I've checked her e-mail, texts and phone records and there is no contact with the OM in any way. She still says she is not in love with me, yet she still wants to sleep with me. Other than that, she doesn't say I love you, she rarely shows affection and we don't do a lot of things together outside of the home. We've been married for 10 years and have two children. Neither of us are able to move out because we cannot afford two payments right now until we downsize.

 

I feel like I need to move on, but can't right now because of the housing situation, my kids and the fact that she doesn't want to divorce right now. I feel like I'm in the limbo phase. I lost 25 pounds over the last three months and I'm back to my married weight, I do more around the house, and I help out with the kids a lot. I've been super nice to her, but all this hasn't won her back. I'm pretty sad and depressed.

 

I have a couple of questions. 1) Should I be trying at all since she started an EA with another man and tells me she is no longer in love with me?

2) There is another woman who I have recently started chatting with because of what is happening. I knew her 20 years ago. Chatting with her makes me feel better about myself and lets me know I will be OK dating. We've agreed to meet for a drink and I'm a little indifferent about it. Part of me thinks its OK cause its a friend and "hey, my wife says she isn't in love with me." The other part says, "don't stoop to her level and even the playing field." What do you all think?

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worldgonewrong

I have a couple of questions. 1) Should I be trying at all since she started an EA with another man and tells me she is no longer in love with me?

2) There is another woman who I have recently started chatting with because of what is happening. I knew her 20 years ago. Chatting with her makes me feel better about myself and lets me know I will be OK dating. We've agreed to meet for a drink and I'm a little indifferent about it. Part of me thinks its OK cause its a friend and "hey, my wife says she isn't in love with me." The other part says, "don't stoop to her level and even the playing field." What do you all think?

 

1. No, you should not be trying. Anything you do will be masochistic.

 

2. I think it's OK to establish a Platonic friendship with this woman, but just make it very clear that that's what it is.

 

I feel for you, man.

My wife "flipped the switch" too on us. It gutted me.

Almost 4 weeks of separation now, I feel like I've climbed Everest and arrived at a reasonably comfortable plateau.

You're gonna have to make the climb, too - it pains me to say it. But you (and others) can make it.

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2) There is another woman who I have recently started chatting with because of what is happening. I knew her 20 years ago. Chatting with her makes me feel better about myself and lets me know I will be OK dating. We've agreed to meet for a drink and I'm a little indifferent about it. Part of me thinks its OK cause its a friend and "hey, my wife says she isn't in love with me."

 

Danger Wil Robinson Danger!!!!!!

 

Do not do this!!! Arrrgghhh....., I could give you a million reasons why this is a bad idea but I won't. It's your choice and I tell you right now friend, you'll regret it.

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Just because she says she doesn't love you anymore does not necessarily mean its true. Especially if you're still having sex and intimacy and she does not want a divorce. Also, don't assume it was physical, it is natural to fear the worst and let imagination to get the better of us in these circumstances.

 

You got two choices, you can either keep working at it and keep your attention focused on her or you can start untangling yourself emotionally, become more distant and aloof. No guarantee either way though.

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Well Worldgonewrong and Albertan, you have total opposite advice. Kind of like what is going on in my mind. Do I do this or do I do that?

 

I don't see why having a drink with this friend is a bad thing if it stays platonic, but I am sick to my stomach about it. I am obviously perplexed about it. I feel it could give me the strength I need to not beg, plead, cry and act like a p**** with my Wife. I can't do the NC because we have to live together. I have to do the 180, but I get so damn depressed everyday when I see my Wife and kids and think this is being broken up.

 

I would like advice from a woman who has lost feelings for her husband. It would be great to hear what the best think your husband could have done while you were in the "I'm not in love with you stage." Of course, I would take advice from anyone who has experienced this in some way.

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ShatteredReality
I would like advice from a woman who has lost feelings for her husband. It would be great to hear what the best think your husband could have done while you were in the "I'm not in love with you stage." Of course, I would take advice from anyone who has experienced this in some way.

 

I have experience here. First off, she told you she didn't sleep with the guy and you said you're not stupid you assume she did. You contradict yourself when you say that. There was no indication she slept with him and therefore she probably didn't. An EA is bad - but if she didn't progress to a PA then can't treat it like it was.

 

Neglect can really truly take a huge toll on a relationship. So can abuse. Mine wasn't neglect - it was abuse. So - I fell "out of love" with my H...I still loved him...he was the father of my children and the man I had seen myself with. He knew me better than anybody else and could predict things I would say and do in certain situations. But he also had the ability to hurt me like NO ONE else...and when he did it tore me apart...until I felt I had nothing left to give to him. We both made HUGE mistakes...and from the point of view of some we probably should not have made it. You can feel free to read my posts prior and hear my story - but basically we decided to give it another go.

 

It was hard. He had to do more than housework and helping with the kids. He basically had to full on court me again. I had to put effort forward too - don't get me wrong - you're not the ONLY one doing the work here. But it's either you cut and run or you TRY. Open and honest discussions with her are important. Tell her how you feel, have her tell you how you feel. Build the emotional intimacy back into the relationship...take her on dates...cheap ones - do you have a $3 theater near you? You can take her on expensive ones if you want, but they aren't exactly necessary. Make her dinner...tell her how beautiful she is...say all the things you said to her when you dated her. Do it randomly...catch her off guard...it will take time and right now she's got all kinds of walls up that you have to break through...but it can be done.

 

As for this other woman. If you want to go start having drinks with her and enjoying her company - tell your wife about her. If she's ok with you going and having a drink with this woman then fine...otherwise you're just doing to have your own little affair - in which case I say go ahead and bail on the marriage. Cause it's going to be WAY more work than you want to put in...it's not platonic if you're getting the ego boost out of it that you seem to be getting. And I can promise you it won't make your wife have any stronger feelings for you - it will only serve to push her away. She's NC with the OM right? So put away the distractions of OM and OW and concentrate on eachother....does she want to work things out?

 

If you try - honestly try - for awhile and nothing - fine. AFTER you break up, start dating other women...but don't do it before...not while there is a tiny spark of hope of reconciliation.

 

And if your W is still wanting to have sex with you - that's HUGE! She would just take care of things herself or something if there was no hope. We went to MC and the counsellor asked me on a scale of 1-10 how committed I was to fixing our relationship...I said 4....he said anything above 0 means there's hope. My H said 7...his 7 plus my 4 was enough to make it work....We had LOT'S of sex too - it was very very good for us...I liked having that every day - he made me feel desired and pretty again...something he hadn't done in a long time. And we talked...all that emotional stuff...how he was feeling, what I was doing to hurt him, what he was doing to hurt me...really put things on the line...It's been two years now and we're doing really well. We have our bumps...there are times I feel like bailing...but it's part of life and marriage...we've been married nearly 11yrs now...if I should have left back then...well I didn't - and if HE should have left ME - he didn't either - so now we are working on the future - and not the past. You need to get to a point where you do the same.

 

Sorry for the novel...hope any part of it was helpful.

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Being with another woman, even if it's just a "date", is absurd. No one can help take your pain away. Only YOU can do that, by working through it! You gotta wonder what type of woman wants to date a married man. She has major problems of her own!

 

When you get the ILYBNILWY, there is an OM. She is being extra cautious because she knows you are onto her. It has been taken underground. Good chance the OM is married or in a relationship already because if he wasn't she would have already been out the door.

 

Get a lawyer, get your financials sorted. Encourage her to move out. Follow the 180!

 

Your M is over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can put an end to the suffering then you can "date" women once the grieving is over.

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ShatteredReality
Being with another woman, even if it's just a "date", is absurd. No one can help take your pain away. Only YOU can do that, by working through it! You gotta wonder what type of woman wants to date a married man. She has major problems of her own!

 

When you get the ILYBNILWY, there is an OM. She is being extra cautious because she knows you are onto her. It has been taken underground. Good chance the OM is married or in a relationship already because if he wasn't she would have already been out the door.

 

Get a lawyer, get your financials sorted. Encourage her to move out. Follow the 180!

 

Your M is over. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can put an end to the suffering then you can "date" women once the grieving is over.

 

There was an OM...she already admitting to being emotionally involved with the guy....there is no reason to believe she was physical, though.

 

If he wants his marriage to work out perhaps he should try first? Give up second? Just saying...negativity will ensure the marriage is over...but a little bit of effort could revive it.

 

Otherwise he's back in the dating game...finding someone new...going through the riggors of a new relationship and learning to cope with the issues of that NEW relationship...who knows what that will bring. If he still loves his wife there is no reason he shouldn't try to patch things up...there have been folks on here who have gone through MUCH worse and come out ahead...

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2.50 a gallon

She is still having sex with you. Most of the men of this board would kill just to get a kiss or hold hands.

 

She still has feelings for you, as women for the most part will not be intimate with a man unless they are emotionally involved. She fell in love with you once, why do you think that she will not again. It sounds to me that half of the game is in our court.

 

You are in fact doing the same thing as your wife and are having an EA with the OW, you must break off all contact with her. In a way you are using your wife as a fall back positiion

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There was an OM...she already admitting to being emotionally involved with the guy....there is no reason to believe she was physical, though.

 

If he wants his marriage to work out perhaps he should try first? Give up second? Just saying...negativity will ensure the marriage is over...but a little bit of effort could revive it.

 

Otherwise he's back in the dating game...finding someone new...going through the riggors of a new relationship and learning to cope with the issues of that NEW relationship...who knows what that will bring. If he still loves his wife there is no reason he shouldn't try to patch things up...there have been folks on here who have gone through MUCH worse and come out ahead...

 

Just call me Negative Nancy. Picking apart a person's post is not cool. Try not to make a habit of it eh? Your views would carry more weight then.

 

OP, even if you got back with your W it would have to be a new relationship anyways. Best to start fresh with someone who hasn't broken your trust and fed you the bullsh*t line of ILYBNILWY.

 

The sex that still goes on is called hysterical bonding. Quite common. It could be her way of relieving some of the guilt she's carrying.

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Shattered_Dreams - thank you so much for everything you have written. You're right, I have no proof whatsoever that the relationship was physical. They could have gone underground, but with two kids and art classes (my wife is an artist) she is always accountable. Yes, the sex has been awesome when I'm being nice. We had a good couple of weeks and she said it was because I wasn't putting any pressure on her to be a wife. I wasn't abusive, but I am a moody person. My Wife is not great at communicating her feelings and I'm really good at it. So we're a little mismatched in that way. I'm not good at understanding the ways she shows love. I think she got exhausted with me.

 

Now I've been given a total wake up call. Fast forward to present and I'm in this situation. I have been pathetic. I have cried a lot in front of her. I have been depressed. I can't stand the thought of losing her and not being with my kids.

 

I cancelled the drinks with the OW. After seeing all of your posts and the constant pit in my stomach, I knew it wasn't a good idea. I know I need to give everything I can to save this marriage.

 

Shattered_Dreams - you mention about courting her, which I have been doing, but should I also be strong? I mean act at times I OK with whatever happens? I don't want to be a puppy dog, that has been mentioned on so many threads.

 

Thanks.

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Now I've been given a total wake up call. Fast forward to present and I'm in this situation. I have been pathetic. I have cried a lot in front of her. I have been depressed. I can't stand the thought of losing her and not being with my kids.

.

 

Stop This!!! Cry on your own, vent to a friend, rant on this board but in front of this woman you are nothing but upbeat and positive.

 

She's lost all respect for you, hence the EA and the I'm not in love with you crap. This is the first part of you gaining it back

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Thank heavens you canceled that meeting with the OW. Do yourself a favour, forget about her. Tell her you are going to try and work things out with your wife. If there is really anything there then she'll wait until your current situation is resolved. TRUST ME on that, I've been there.

 

On the flip side, are you sure that your wife is completely done and not in contact with the OM? If not, make it so. Let her know that in no uncertain terms you will NOT stand for that.

 

OK, that's out of the way. Do you love your wife? Do you REALLY love her and want to get things back on track? Ask yourself that first. If the answer is yes, read about the 180 and follow certain aspects of it. You say you're moody, well get over it! Control yourself.

 

Be ready, this will be a long process.

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Yes, I truly truly love her. The OW was just a buffer to help the pain. I realize now it only makes me feel worse. I have faith that all contact with the OM is over. I think I said in an earlier post, he is Separated and has moved out. There is nothing holding him back. I have a feeling he is out there having his own fun and isn't wasting time with a married woman with two young kids. I also e-mailed him at his work address, so I think that cooled him off as well.

 

I copied the 34 steps and put them on my phone. I started that process last night. I'll keep you posted on what happens with that. This is going to be a rough road, but one worth taking.

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I'm with ShatteredReality on this one.....

 

I think you have an opportunity here to really fix your marriage, yourself and make the bond between the two of you much stronger. I'm not saying what she is doing is right and at some point she will need to put effort in as well and take ownership of the EA but right now YOU can make a difference.

 

I will tell you from the experience of my first wife, that I just walked away after a similar conversation like this and one of the things I tortured myself with over the next few months was whether I had tried hard enough. Was there something more that I could of done. One thing I have long since realized was that it was mistake to leave so easily (although there was a long story there).

 

Your female friend will only confuse the situation for you and also gives your W ammunition against you ("well you saw this OW why can't I see OM" etc..) - so I truly think you're making the right choice by not meeting her. Now you need to do two things, follow the steps and make yourself feel better and show your W how much you love her without suffocating her and being all needy. Give her space but also give her attention - a fine line I know but I am sure you can find the right balance. Like Shattered said, if at the end of the day she still tells you she doesn't love you then at least you can walk away with the knowledge that you tried everything to make it right.

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Careful with that 180. That's for you, not for your relationship. It's to protect yourself.

 

To nurture the relationship, mark off all 180 steps that make you appear cold or indifferent.

Not saying crumble in front of her. Just saying don't appear like a hard tough guy, because she'll rebel just to show you she can, and the war will be on.

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Careful with that 180. That's for you, not for your relationship. It's to protect yourself.

 

To nurture the relationship, mark off all 180 steps that make you appear cold or indifferent.

Not saying crumble in front of her. Just saying don't appear like a hard tough guy, because she'll rebel just to show you she can, and the war will be on.

 

One-eighty is all about appearing hard and protecting oneself. She's going to rebel regardless like all women do when their man doesn't bow down to them all the time.

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ShatteredReality
Shattered_Dreams - you mention about courting her, which I have been doing, but should I also be strong? I mean act at times I OK with whatever happens? I don't want to be a puppy dog, that has been mentioned on so many threads.

 

Thanks.

 

So glad you cancelled drinks! Kudos to you! Side note...yesterday a friend of mine came to me with a similar issue - she just told her H the night before that she loves him but feels she's not IN LOVE with him. She knows of the troubles my H and I had a couple years ago and was asking advice. Incidentally - there is no OM and has not been. I know this to be true in her case - it's not naive speculation. Just thought it might help you to hear you're not alone and this is a battle many couples go through - they have been married 8yrs.

 

Another dear friend (married 50 yrs) told me he falls in and out of love with his wife on a regular basis, and she does the same with him...he says it's a part of sharing your ENTIRE life with someone....and he said falling back in love makes the falling out of love tolerable.

 

Ok - so off my soap box about that and onto the courting question I quoted above that you asked about - and probably really the only part you were waiting for! lol.

 

Ok as a woman - me personally - I have a very difficult time sharing my feeling with my H. I bottle them up and bottle them up until I explode. I am a more logical thinker than artistic, but I've been told it's a trait of having grown up with some type of abuse (yup - I am the stereotypical daughter of an abusive alcoholic). So - if your wife has a hard time expressing herself...and you express yourself TOO MUCH (Say hello to my H thank you) then you both need to come partially forward on that. For you - maybe write your feelings down...a journal or something....if you find something that comes up repeatedly it's a feeling you probably need to convey to her. If you are just feeling it "in the moment" perhaps you can keep it to yourself. The ability to NOT tell her EVERY single feeling that pops into your head is strength - plus it's really good for you. For her - if you share your feelings it might be nice if she can try to express some of hers as well. It's hard, because you feel like you're climbing a wall to speak them out loud sometimes, or perhaps she's confused about what her feelings really are....if that's the case she should just say that "I don't really know how I feel right now". If I have a very strong feeling my H and I have an understanding...I will tell him that I have something I am feeling strongly about but that it's hard to express...then I will tell him if I am unable to express it at that moment...but the fact that he knows I have something to tell him means I have to do it - we have a time limit on this too so he doesn't go insane. I have to tell him by the end of the evening - before we get ready for bed. Then he has to keep his emotions under control long enough to process whatever I tell him before having some kneejerk reaction. It's helped me be able to open up to him a LOT. It's helped...really...started with small stuff (i.e. When you said blah blah in front of the kids I felt you were undermining me as a parent and felt disrespected - he acknowledged, thought about it, agreed or didn't, explained himself calmly and we moved on from there without a blow up argument or anything like that.)

 

If you are truly not OK with something you need to be able to express it...but in moderation...I doubt your reactions are as severe as my H has been in the past or else you would be admitting to being abusive - however, it doesn't take much to put an emotionally shy woman back into her protective shell where she doesn't have to "feel" any of that pain. If she does something that bothers you - tell her - but without screaming it at her or anything...even preface it with "I'm going to say something you might not like. But it's how I feel and I need you to acknowledge that" Acknowledging feelings is bigger than it seems...and knowing they are feelings can change how a person views them...vs accusations or things like that...feelings are something that can change where actions not so much...

 

It may seem like games and dances...and perhaps it is...but it's one way to make sure you aren't misunderstood and fighting over something that doesn't matter at all. Reserve the fights for the stuff that DOES matter...lol....

 

Hope my short novel made sense...? A little? Sorry it's so long...

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Thank you. It makes a lot of sense. I really like the journal idea because I can't tell you how many times I say something because I feel a certain emotion at that moment. Later I realize I didn't feel that way, but I've already said it. I haven't been abusive, I would admit it. However, I am sure I have said some things that hurt to the core. Maybe that is abuse in the end, but these things aren't "your stupid" or "you can't do anything right." It's more like, I'll get mad or upset with her sense of humor. She isn't the complimentary type, so when she jabs at me and thinks she's being funny, it isn't balanced with a compliment. I get ticked. That kind of stuff.

 

A little update for today. I started this 34 point thing yesterday when I got home. I was nice and happy. I didn't kiss her or hug her. We had a good night and when she went to bed, she kissed me good night. Small, but big. This morning when I left for work, I kissed the kids good bye and I went to the door. She followed me to the door and I just told her to have a good day. She rarely follows me to the door. I never called, e-mailed or texted her today. About an hour ago she texted me "hope ur having a good day :)"

 

This stuff kind of works. Yes, I did cancel drinks with that other woman, but I am still meeting up with friends for a beer. Having your own social life is another piece to this puzzle.

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ShatteredReality
Thank you. It makes a lot of sense. I really like the journal idea because I can't tell you how many times I say something because I feel a certain emotion at that moment. Later I realize I didn't feel that way, but I've already said it. I haven't been abusive, I would admit it. However, I am sure I have said some things that hurt to the core. Maybe that is abuse in the end, but these things aren't "your stupid" or "you can't do anything right." It's more like, I'll get mad or upset with her sense of humor. She isn't the complimentary type, so when she jabs at me and thinks she's being funny, it isn't balanced with a compliment. I get ticked. That kind of stuff.

 

A little update for today. I started this 34 point thing yesterday when I got home. I was nice and happy. I didn't kiss her or hug her. We had a good night and when she went to bed, she kissed me good night. Small, but big. This morning when I left for work, I kissed the kids good bye and I went to the door. She followed me to the door and I just told her to have a good day. She rarely follows me to the door. I never called, e-mailed or texted her today. About an hour ago she texted me "hope ur having a good day :)"

 

This stuff kind of works. Yes, I did cancel drinks with that other woman, but I am still meeting up with friends for a beer. Having your own social life is another piece to this puzzle.

 

Awesome! Sounds like you're right on track!! Ok but one thing - I don't know anything about this 34 point thing - just don't neglect the kisses and such to the point of it being just that - neglect. I mean a short jaunt of it's fine - but I CHERISHED when we were making up and he made the effort to cross the room to kiss me goodbye or something...when I was doing dishes or something where I couldn't really pull away and get to him...and if I was able to pull away to get to him - he made me make that move...maybe he read the same thing you are?? LOL

 

Enjoy the social life - it's super important - you are right. Again, balanced...but very very good. About once a month or so I go to a movie and dinner with the girls...not much more than that cause the family needs me - and your situation may be similar...but it's the time to be YOU that matters and helps you to be better in the relationship. So long as you both get that and do it in a safe manner (like you're saying - out with the guys - not alone with another woman) then it's going to make strides in your personal and relationship growth!

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I didn't reconcile with my (ex) wife so I'm in no position to give advice. In these cases, true love (with great help from a softened heart) eventually wins out while the hard-of-heart go away and stay. I can encourage you to strive for happiness, and can say without hesitation that it won't, and can't come from her. That said, a good wife is a man's greatest blessing in life.

 

This stuff kind of works. Yes, I did cancel drinks with that other woman, but I am still meeting up with friends for a beer. Having your own social life is another piece to this puzzle.

 

It does kind of work, but it's damage control if your intentions are to remain with your wife. Repeating what others have said, the 180's virtue is helping YOU deal and move on; to not waste time with someone intent on stringing you along or gaslighting. Maybe I'm overly simplistic, but to me romance and marriage shouldn't be so hard. Sure, life will throw many challenges and obstacles our way, but those things are clearly defined as desirable or undesirable. Trying to figure out if someone is really in your corner is not living. This helps nothing while damaging almost everything else.

 

It may seem like games and dances...and perhaps it is...but it's one way to make sure you aren't misunderstood and fighting over something that doesn't matter at all. Reserve the fights for the stuff that DOES matter...lol....

 

These are words of wisdom.

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About two years ago, my Wife and I started having financial problems. I was stressed a lot and probably checked out emotionally. We had a very expensive lifestyle and I resented my Wife a lot for not appreciating me more while going through this difficult time. We struggled, but we never had real marital problems. About three months ago I discovered she was e-mailing and texting a lot to an old college male friend she saw at a wedding. I was never so heartbroken. I confronted her about it and she explained how she had been feeling at that she was no longer in love with me. I asked if she slept with him and she said no. None of the e-mails or texts I read said anything about getting together in that way. He is separated from his Wife. I'm not stupid though, I am assuming they did.

 

Over the next month we were on a roller coaster. A lot of passion, a lot of anger and sadness. We were more intimate than ever. However, the last two months have been very challenging. I've checked her e-mail, texts and phone records and there is no contact with the OM in any way. She still says she is not in love with me, yet she still wants to sleep with me. Other than that, she doesn't say I love you, she rarely shows affection and we don't do a lot of things together outside of the home. We've been married for 10 years and have two children. Neither of us are able to move out because we cannot afford two payments right now until we downsize.

 

I feel like I need to move on, but can't right now because of the housing situation, my kids and the fact that she doesn't want to divorce right now. I feel like I'm in the limbo phase. I lost 25 pounds over the last three months and I'm back to my married weight, I do more around the house, and I help out with the kids a lot. I've been super nice to her, but all this hasn't won her back. I'm pretty sad and depressed.

 

I have a couple of questions. 1) Should I be trying at all since she started an EA with another man and tells me she is no longer in love with me?

2) There is another woman who I have recently started chatting with because of what is happening. I knew her 20 years ago. Chatting with her makes me feel better about myself and lets me know I will be OK dating. We've agreed to meet for a drink and I'm a little indifferent about it. Part of me thinks its OK cause its a friend and "hey, my wife says she isn't in love with me." The other part says, "don't stoop to her level and even the playing field." What do you all think?

 

My story is very much like yours. Wife said she didn't love me anymore and left for a guy she had been text flirting with.

 

I think a broken marriage can be fixed ONLY if the love is still there, but if she says she doesn't really love you and is acting cold all the time then that is it. It's over and you won't ever get her head back in the real game of a loving marriage.

 

I suppose it's nice that she still wants sex, but I think that is just for her own gratification and not because she wants to make love to you. I stayed at the family home and let her leave which in the end worked to my advantage because it showed my wife abandond. One thing.....Stop having sex with her. I know it's hard, but you tell her that you only desire sex from a woman if she loves you. (this BS about "I love you, I'm just not in love with you") That all BS and don't buy into it. The sex must stop. She is using it to her advantage and strong men don't offer advantage to women that don't love them. You deserve better. Cut her off no matter how hard it is.

 

Make sure right now you DOCUMENT EVERYTHING and keep it private. Slice it 20 ways and this is an affare your wife is having. Make sure you ask at least twice if she will attend marriage therapy with you. (This shows the court you tried, but she declined)

 

She has checked out, but you want to make it look like you are doing all you can and hold the fort. She will leave soon enough if she doesn't love you because she will want to spend more alone time with her soon to be lover. At this point YOU DO NOT trust one single word that comes from her mouth. Women with alternative motives that do not love you will lie to you at every turn and they are damn good at it.

 

Build documentation now. anything that shows instability, drugs, alcohol, refusal to repair things. Get off facebook. Also find a new email browser and make a free account just in your name and make sure the password and most importantly the secret question code is one she could NEVER guess. It must be secure. This is where your Lawyer can email you and friends can talk to you in private. My wife broke into my AOL account because she guessed my secret code word question to change my password.

 

Keep all documentation hidden, dates, times, what happened. Don't tell her you are going to serve her papers as the plaintiff. You want to make her play catch up with you and your Lawyer. Stay calm, do not yell, hit or break things. Give her no reason to file a complaint on you. You might even want to wait awhile until you have lots of good documentation.

 

If she text messages you about this man or anything that shows instability then do what I did. Take a good camera set to Macros and get some nice shots of what she sent you in text. Upload them to computer and color print them.

 

In court the more you can present yourself as the good husband that tried, the better you will be and less you will lose. Drop a hint that maybe she should get a little $500 a month apartment she can afford. Then you call the bank your mortguage is with and tell them flat out "my wife left and her income also, I need a hardship remodification." Most home lenders will work with you to lower your payment rather than see the home go foreclose on them. She must leave NOT you because you did not cause this mess and she must know that.

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  • 3 weeks later...
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I wanted to give an update since I've been posting on other posts. Weeks have past since I started this thread and a lot has happened. My stbx got another place to live and will be spending the next couple of weeks moving out. I have been super nice. I don't talk about the divorce or anything. But I have been happy, super helpful around the house, very complimentary of her AND affectionate. She has been happy, but not complimentary and not affectionate. Although, she NEVER turns me down. NEVER. One thing I did over the last couple of weeks, was open myself up to talking to and meeting other women for coffee. It's been amazing the friendships I have struck up in the last couple of weeks. One woman, I may even like. Anyway, my stbx saw my phone that showed text threads with 5 different women AND she heard from a friend that I have a date next Friday. She's been crying all morning. Now if in her words; our marriage is over, she is no longer in love with me AND she is no longer attracted to me; why would she be crying. Reality sucks for her I guess. Anyway, I think she is a little confused right now, but I don't think its time for me to drop everything and fight to win her back. If she changes her mind, she can come to me. I'm open to other opinions.

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ShatteredReality

Wow Jst....sounds kinda like you're giving up on the marriage as well? I admit, her moving out does seem like a huge step in the wrong direction...and most likely when these things happen the ending isn't a great one.

 

One thing, though, to think about, is that if the split is more amicable it's better for you, for her, for the kids. Maybe dating this quickly after isn't the best idea in the whole world? She could build resentment over it and it could turn ugly...it will make her feel like all this time you were just waiting for the opportunity to move on rather than try to work things out as she had felt previously....

 

It may not sound like the most fair option to you, but just my humble opinion is....be an ex before you date someone new....have the divorce at the very least in motion...it gives a better foundation for the future relationship you're starting and it also doesn't damage further the current relationship you have should the opportunity to salvage it arise. Still go out with your guy friends and being your own life...but don't jump straight into something else too quickly.

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Shatteredreality: two weeks ago, I did give up. My Wife was telling me there was no hope, no chance, no counseling and she got a new place. I figured it was time to accept reality. I let go. It turns out letting go just might be what saves my marriage.

 

She has seen me be happy over the last couple of weeks and as I posted, founded out I was texting other women. That may have snapped her back into reality. The last week she has done a 90 degree turn, not 180, but 90. I'm trying to roll with this new direction. She is calling me more, texting me, being engaged with me. Still not initiating affection, but baby steps are being made. She is saying things like, don't lease a place for more than 6 months OR when you spend the night... All things that sound like there is a chance.

 

I want to everything as best I can to keep this direction going. My Wife may be at the first point when you turned a little. Any advice you can give me right now, would be greatly appreciated. What were the best and worst things your husband did during this time you started to feel like you wanted you marriage to work?

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