How Do I Fight For My Marriage?

[slm]

Hello everyone,

 

My name is Shaun. I have been lurking around here for a few days and thought it might be therapeutic or helpful to "see what the experts think" about my situation. I'll be honest and say I haven't quite gotten up to speed with some of the tribal knowledge around here (especially the acronyms).

 

To start, I am not a good husband. I'll just throw that out there to start. I am not a cheater, nor a beater, but nevertheless I am not a good husband. My wife and I have been married for 4 years. This was my first marriage (I was 27) and this was her second (she was 34). I have three step children, and we have a child together.

 

We got along great dating, but when we got married things began to evolve for us. Having children was far more difficult than I expected and most of our conflicts came from that fact. It intensified when we had a child, because I instantly knew my love for my child was different than love I felt for my step-children.

 

To get to a point here, after another fight over what amounts to different parenting styles, my wife emailed me at work (horrible by the way) to tell me that she didn't think things were fixable between us and she was moving out. I took this to mean we were getting a divorce.

 

I started to make plans to leave which frightened her into doing the same and in the ensuing week we both have found new places to live (her a small apartment, and me with family). I have been helping her move and such and we have been civil (after my initial outburst of angry heartbroken behavior).

 

Now, she is telling me that she needs time and space to figure out what is best for everyone (emphasis her children). My daughter is living with her, but I am allowed to have her at any point I like. My wife tells me she loves me, and is in love with me, but can't tell me if she wants to be married to me, because of issues with her children.

 

To be forthcoming, I am mean sometimes. I don't mean yelling, screaming, hitting mean, but passively aggressively mean. In retrospect that is easy to see. When the oldest step child (14 now) started to really be disrespectful of me I pulled away from her. We are now on terrible (read: she hates me) terms. The younger two boys (12 and 8) and I have good relationships.

 

I have read enough around here to know to respect my wifes wishes and give her space. It is hard because of our child, who I want to see daily (honestly, I am not doing it to see my wife).

 

I want my marriage to work. I will do anything in my power to make that happen, including marriage counseling and individual counseling. I have also made up my mind to not let this drag on forever. I don't think it is unreasonable after a certain amount of time passes (6 weeks is what I have "determined") to be able to be honest about our future or lack thereof and start a path toward healing and fixing our issues.

 

So, all of that typed, how can I fix the issues we have and get my wife back? I realize you will need more information probably, so I can respond as needed.

 

Thank you,

Shaun

[tojaz]

Your off to a great start Shaun. Seeing and admitting your shortcomings as a husband is huge and it can take many people months to admit that they played a part in a break up. There usually is two sides but not always so clear.

 

My advice would be to look into some IC on the quick. IC can be helpful to anyone and the gesture to your wife of the commitment to your marriage will speak volumes. Mending things with your step daughter will be important too. Even though she isn't your blood, you are still a family and while you may not feel the same love for them as you do your own child, they still should be getting your best. Do you visit the other children as well as your daughter?

 

TOJAZ

[sirweasles]

Let me start with this. The biggest parental instinct is to protect our children and to insure they have a good life. I married my wife and she had a daughter for the longest time I didnt think I would ever feel for her as I needed to as a parent. It is very tough to understand a child who has been through the trama of a devorce or one that has been passed around so that there mother could work to support them. My daughter spent so much time around adults mostly her grandparents and all her time with her mother was time her mother wanted to make count so needless to say she was spoiled roten. I have found that part of the I love my child more comes from not alowing your self too feel the way you need to for the step children. Honestly if you cannot love these children as they deserve to be loved you need to do some soul searching. How would your childhood have been if you knew for a fact that your dad loved your sister the most and acctually didnt really care about you. Kids are perceptive. At 14 years old your daughter is going through changes and is trying to find herself you need to be supportive and firm she is at a very critical stage in her life alot of life altering desicions are being made. I had gotten to the point of constantly yelling and punishing my daughter. When I moved to work My daughter became my biggest supporter. The love of a child is the greatest gift a person can recieve the love of a parent is not a gift it is a responsability. I would ask you to try this" call your daughter or text her if she has a phone every morning tell her good morning and to have a good day and tell her you love her and every night tell her good night and to sleep good and that you love her. you will be amazed at the effects this has not only on her but on you aswell. I now miss hearing from my step daughter when she looses her phone the weird thing about it is my 2 biological children I only talk to once or twice a week and my step daughter I talk to everyday I love all my kids and consider her my child 100% she is my biggest supporter and has even in my worst moments asked to come stay with me to make sure I was ok. Children have away of working under your skin but you have to allow them in. To truely fix your marraige you have to learn to love your children equally and to treat them all with the respect they deserve from a father other words you will even if not right now loose your wife she will learn to resent you and eventually your marriage will end. if need be fake the funk till the funk becomes real. Dont allow your self the thoughts of i love my biological child more always tell your self that you love them all equally and eventually you will find that you dont have to tell your self that anymore becouse it will be real.

[slm]

Let me start with this. The biggest parental instinct is to protect our children and to insure they have a good life. I married my wife and she had a daughter for the longest time I didnt think I would ever feel for her as I needed to as a parent. It is very tough to understand a child who has been through the trama of a devorce or one that has been passed around so that there mother could work to support them. My daughter spent so much time around adults mostly her grandparents and all her time with her mother was time her mother wanted to make count so needless to say she was spoiled roten. I have found that part of the I love my child more comes from not alowing your self too feel the way you need to for the step children. Honestly if you cannot love these children as they deserve to be loved you need to do some soul searching. How would your childhood have been if you knew for a fact that your dad loved your sister the most and acctually didnt really care about you. Kids are perceptive. At 14 years old your daughter is going through changes and is trying to find herself you need to be supportive and firm she is at a very critical stage in her life alot of life altering desicions are being made. I had gotten to the point of constantly yelling and punishing my daughter. When I moved to work My daughter became my biggest supporter. The love of a child is the greatest gift a person can recieve the love of a parent is not a gift it is a responsability. I would ask you to try this" call your daughter or text her if she has a phone every morning tell her good morning and to have a good day and tell her you love her and every night tell her good night and to sleep good and that you love her. you will be amazed at the effects this has not only on her but on you aswell. I now miss hearing from my step daughter when she looses her phone the weird thing about it is my 2 biological children I only talk to once or twice a week and my step daughter I talk to everyday I love all my kids and consider her my child 100% she is my biggest supporter and has even in my worst moments asked to come stay with me to make sure I was ok. Children have away of working under your skin but you have to allow them in. To truely fix your marraige you have to learn to love your children equally and to treat them all with the respect they deserve from a father other words you will even if not right now loose your wife she will learn to resent you and eventually your marriage will end. if need be fake the funk till the funk becomes real. Dont allow your self the thoughts of i love my biological child more always tell your self that you love them all equally and eventually you will find that you dont have to tell your self that anymore becouse it will be real.

 

Our relationship is so damaged right now that I don't even know how to start talking to her. It is sad that it is foreign to me when you refer to her as "my daughter" because I have never called her that.

 

Besides texting (or maybe that is the best way), how can I just reach out and do things to let her know I am trying? I am afraid to try honestly, because she really does hate me.

[slm]

Your off to a great start Shaun. Seeing and admitting your shortcomings as a husband is huge and it can take many people months to admit that they played a part in a break up. There usually is two sides but not always so clear.

 

My advice would be to look into some IC on the quick. IC can be helpful to anyone and the gesture to your wife of the commitment to your marriage will speak volumes. Mending things with your step daughter will be important too. Even though she isn't your blood, you are still a family and while you may not feel the same love for them as you do your own child, they still should be getting your best. Do you visit the other children as well as your daughter?

 

TOJAZ

 

I need IC. The hard part for me is finding one I can go to because my work schedule is inflexible.

[Lexygirl]

slm, I'm sorry you are going through this...

 

As far as your 14-year old step daughter... I would definitely text her periodically and ask her how she's doing and tell her that you would like to hang out sometime soon with her and do..... whatever her interests may be. That would go a long way. She may act cold and such but deep down, every girl needs a strong male figure in their lives to guide them.

Your relationship with her didn't take a down-turn overnight so it's going to take some time to build it back up again.

 

Breathe and take things one step at a time.

I'm glad you are thinking about IC.

 

Lexy

[What_Next]

IC and MC are going to be very important. There's no question about that. At least you recognize the challenges you face.

 

Now right up front I will seperate the relationship(s) between the children and your wife. Is your wife truly willing to work with you improve the situation? I know she isn't a saint (despite what she might think...) and she will have to make adjustments as well. It'll take 2 people to make a marriage work.

 

As for the children, I do not have any step children so I cannot really empathize, but I can say that when my wife and I came VERY close to divorce it was incredibly hard on our child. my relationship with her was nearly destroyed. It takes patience and more importantly time to repair things. Take the suggestions you've been given and apply them. DO NOT rush, take your time.

[imagine]

I would recommend your attendance to a Christian church. Dr Dobson has wonderful books on family psychology.

 

His articles on "Focus on the family" are legendary.

 

An elder/pastor may organize to meet you at home which may accommodate your schedule.

[Owl]

Individual counseling, marriage counseling, and family counseling.

 

I'm a dad in a "blended family". We have four kids...two were hers from a previous marriage, two as a result of ours.

 

The reason we've worked out so well is that I don't have step-kids. I have four kids...all adults now.

 

They weren't raised as stepkids, treated as stepkids, or even thought of stepkids.

 

I've screwed up filling out medical forms because I literally forgot that they're not mine biologically.

 

I get at this point that even if you wanted to change that relationship with them, you might not be able to. Her oldest may well have built a lot of resentment against you, being treated differently than "your daughter".

 

If you really want to try to rebuild things in this case, you're talking about a LOT of work, time, and learning that's going to need to happen here. It won't happen overnight...it might not be possible at this point (and I don't mean to discourage you, but to be honest).

 

YOU need to learn how to manage your anger. You also need to learn how to change your mindset towards "the kids". ALL of them.

 

You and your wife need to learn some new parenting skills. You need to learn how to agree and parent together, rather than from opposite sides. You both need to work on communication skills with each other as well. You need to learn how to blend your family instead of trying to maintain two seperate ones.

 

The kids (all of them) are going to have to learn how to build bridges with you, and vice-versa. They're going to have to learn how to deal with whatever feelings have been built in them as a result of how things have gone so far, and they're going to have to be willing to give you another chance as well.

 

None of this is happening easily, or overnight.

 

All of you are going to have to commit to this...and that just might not be possible.

 

But now you should have some ideas on what you're facing, and where you need to start.

 

What's your plan?

[trippi1432]

Hi slm - Owl gives some very good insight here, it isn't something that is going to happen overnight. I would also add that it does take a different perspective on your situation.

 

I am from a blended family and I am very blessed that I have two fathers and two mothers that love me as much as their own children. I've never felt slighted when it comes to my step-siblings. I even had both of my father's give me away at my wedding because each held an important place in my heart during the many different stages of my life. (example of The adult step-child dynamic)

 

On the other side of that, I can tell you that my daughter and my exH never saw eye to eye most times as she could feel that difference, that she wasn't OUR daughter. Her father was pretty much not a part of her life (his choice). And, to this day, always felt that he treated our son from our marriage differently. Although my exH will say that he did not see things this way, it was even apparent outside of the family in the way he displayed affection towards both children and in the way he disciplined.

 

Not saying that this is your family dynamic, but a lot to be said about managing your anger and changing your mindset to be inclusive of ALL KIDS. I can tell you from my exH's perspective, much of what he felt stemmed from his childhood. He and his siblings were all slighted by their father in regards to his father's step-daughters. It was nothing for his father to give his five children one present to split between the five of them (one year it was a snow shovel..not kidding) but his second wife's children had presents galore under the tree. My exH held onto that hurt and pain from his own childhood and was never able to accept a step-child. On the other side of that, today, he slights his own child in favor of his gf's children to keep the peace. Neither perspective are right....ALL children deserve the same love, care and parenting.

 

The changes start within you as a parent, not just to your child but to all YOUR children in the home for both you and your wife. I say this from my perspective...both children ARE mine in my mindset and that makes it easier for me as a mother (probably where your wife's mindset is). However, both of us could have done better making both of the children feel like OUR children.

 

What you do today to mend that fence with YOUR 14 year old "step" daughter is going to set the stage for how you handle the same teenage angst you get from your biological daughter at that age. Just food for thought there.

[slm]

That's my problem, I am not sure what my "plan" is.

 

When I read a couple of the replies this morning it got me thinking. I had a long drive this morning to do something related to moving and had time to think about things. It hit me like a pile of bricks this morning that I have never felt like they were my children. It sounds like a "duh" thing, but I didn't know I wasn't doing that.

 

My childhood was a horror story (which I have dealt with much of it emotionally) and I struggle with trust and love. I have both with my wife, but I don't think I have ever held up my end of the bargain.

 

To illustrate what I mean: I helped my wife move and helped get her settled into an apartment. I did it because I love her, of course, but I did it mostly because of my daughter. Never once did I think I was doing it for everyone. When I asked if anyone needed anything, I meant did my daughter need anything. I finally woke up to the fact that all four kids are my kids and somewhere down the line I forgot that.

 

So, the first thing I did today after my errands were up was to stop by the apartment to see my daughter. I told my wife to make a list for the grocery (I know they are scraping by right now) and went and filled their pantry and fridge. She asked me why I did it and I told her because I don't want my kids to be without anything.

 

This obviously struck her and we sat and talked about how things have changed since we met. I DO love all of the kids, I have just been blinded by petty behaviors for a long time. Us being apart to let some of those things cool has made that obvious to me.

 

It isn't just my relationship with my wife and kids that have suffered in the last year or so. I stopped going to church and I was kind of shaken hard by the Lord this week through a co-worker. I realize I have been a spiritual fraud for a long time and that I need to push closer to Him. I honestly think some of this was an effort by Him to remind me where my priorities are, that He wants to be in my life and I have denying him.

 

I am not sure how many people are believers on this board, and I can't honestly say I have been a good one, but a co-worker pulled me aside this week and told me the Lord had been pressing him to talk to me. He told me something that that he said the Lord asked him to pass on that he wouldn't have possibly known from any other way. He somehow new about something I had never told anyone, and told me that the Lord wants to have a relationship with me. He was visibly shaken by the message he was passing. We had a similar thing happen between he and I last year that I ignored as I was going through a particularly dark time.

 

Right now, I am optimistic that if I turn myself over to God and allow him to help me heal my family that things will work out. My wife is deeply religious and my lack of faith has been a issue between us. I should have realized when she stopped asking about my spiritual health that we were in trouble.

 

When I talked to my wife today, she told me that she will always love me, and is in love with me. She said she would love if we could work things out and be a family. She said right now she needs time because she is still leery (her words) that I am willing to change and that I am not manipulating her.

 

I hope everyone knows I wouldn't be here on this website if I was going to waste my time trying to trick her into loving me. I know I wasn't happy the way things were and neither was her or the kids. I don't want to have that marriage back, I want to have a happy one for everyone. If we can't do that, I don't want to hurt the kids anymore than I have.

[slm]

I have been reading through a lot of the other threads here.

 

Should I go NC except for arrangements about the kids?

[trippi1432]

No slm....NC is for when you are moving on and healing yourself. It's not for negotiation tactics or even proving anything to your wife if the two of you are discussing working things out to be a family.

 

Be very careful with what you read on here....I feel your situation is very different than most here who do employ those tactics with a walk-away spouse due to infidelity or not wanting to be in a marriage anymore. Forget NC at this point, what you posted previously is the right step in the right direction and great insight on your part. Keep working towards that and be patient.

[slm]

No slm....NC is for when you are moving on and healing yourself. It's not for negotiation tactics or even proving anything to your wife if the two of you are discussing working things out to be a family.

 

Be very careful with what you read on here....I feel your situation is very different than most here who do employ those tactics with a walk-away spouse due to infidelity or not wanting to be in a marriage anymore. Forget NC at this point, what you posted previously is the right step in the right direction and great insight on your part. Keep working towards that and be patient.

 

Thank you, that is what my head and heart is telling me.

 

What I don't want to do is make the situation worse by pressuring her...it took a while to get to this point and even though I am not patient in general I need to learn to be so they can heal.

[slm]

BTW, you can call me Shaun.

 

I usually register my real name on the internet (I am a software developer), but I didn't want my wife to run across this if she Google'd me. There is a lot of me out on the internet and that makes her mad as it is.

[trippi1432]

When I read a couple of the replies this morning it got me thinking. I had a long drive this morning to do something related to moving and had time to think about things. It hit me like a pile of bricks this morning that I have never felt like they were my children. It sounds like a "duh" thing, but I didn't know I wasn't doing that.

This is a very good realization on your part....put that as part of your plan of what you now know you need to do better.

 

My childhood was a horror story (which I have dealt with much of it emotionally) and I struggle with trust and love. I have both with my wife, but I don't think I have ever held up my end of the bargain.

 

Work from here on working on yourself....our childhood's unfortunately haunt us sometimes...we don't have to repeat our parent's mistakes....we can influence ourselves to be better for our kids.

 

To illustrate what I mean: I helped my wife move and helped get her settled into an apartment. I did it because I love her, of course, but I did it mostly because of my daughter. Never once did I think I was doing it for everyone. When I asked if anyone needed anything, I meant did my daughter need anything. I finally woke up to the fact that all four kids are my kids and somewhere down the line I forgot that.

 

So, the first thing I did today after my errands were up was to stop by the apartment to see my daughter. I told my wife to make a list for the grocery (I know they are scraping by right now) and went and filled their pantry and fridge. She asked me why I did it and I told her because I don't want my kids to be without anything.

 

Great progress....putting others first in your life.

This obviously struck her and we sat and talked about how things have changed since we met. I DO love all of the kids, I have just been blinded by petty behaviors for a long time. Us being apart to let some of those things cool has made that obvious to me.

 

this got you to discussion....not pressuring...you realizing and her seeing that you are realizing....now you have to prove to her that you can continue down this path.

When I talked to my wife today, she told me that she will always love me, and is in love with me. She said she would love if we could work things out and be a family. She said right now she needs time because she is still leery (her words) that I am willing to change and that I am not manipulating her.

 

I hope everyone knows I wouldn't be here on this website if I was going to waste my time trying to trick her into loving me. I know I wasn't happy the way things were and neither was her or the kids. I don't want to have that marriage back, I want to have a happy one for everyone. If we can't do that, I don't want to hurt the kids anymore than I have.

 

It's not manipulation if you truly love her and want your family back. Just keep letting her know you love your family...if you regress and pull away, it's not showing her that you love her and will send mixed signals. Just be consistent with your actions with her and all of the children...and going to your church would be good....maybe there is a family counselor there that can help as well.

[tojaz]

That's my problem, I am not sure what my "plan" is.

 

When I read a couple of the replies this morning it got me thinking. I had a long drive this morning to do something related to moving and had time to think about things. It hit me like a pile of bricks this morning that I have never felt like they were my children. It sounds like a "duh" thing, but I didn't know I wasn't doing that.

 

My childhood was a horror story (which I have dealt with much of it emotionally) and I struggle with trust and love. I have both with my wife, but I don't think I have ever held up my end of the bargain.

 

To illustrate what I mean: I helped my wife move and helped get her settled into an apartment. I did it because I love her, of course, but I did it mostly because of my daughter. Never once did I think I was doing it for everyone. When I asked if anyone needed anything, I meant did my daughter need anything. I finally woke up to the fact that all four kids are my kids and somewhere down the line I forgot that.

 

So, the first thing I did today after my errands were up was to stop by the apartment to see my daughter. I told my wife to make a list for the grocery (I know they are scraping by right now) and went and filled their pantry and fridge. She asked me why I did it and I told her because I don't want my kids to be without anything.

 

This obviously struck her and we sat and talked about how things have changed since we met. I DO love all of the kids, I have just been blinded by petty behaviors for a long time. Us being apart to let some of those things cool has made that obvious to me.

 

It isn't just my relationship with my wife and kids that have suffered in the last year or so. I stopped going to church and I was kind of shaken hard by the Lord this week through a co-worker. I realize I have been a spiritual fraud for a long time and that I need to push closer to Him. I honestly think some of this was an effort by Him to remind me where my priorities are, that He wants to be in my life and I have denying him.

 

I am not sure how many people are believers on this board, and I can't honestly say I have been a good one, but a co-worker pulled me aside this week and told me the Lord had been pressing him to talk to me. He told me something that that he said the Lord asked him to pass on that he wouldn't have possibly known from any other way. He somehow new about something I had never told anyone, and told me that the Lord wants to have a relationship with me. He was visibly shaken by the message he was passing. We had a similar thing happen between he and I last year that I ignored as I was going through a particularly dark time.

 

Right now, I am optimistic that if I turn myself over to God and allow him to help me heal my family that things will work out. My wife is deeply religious and my lack of faith has been a issue between us. I should have realized when she stopped asking about my spiritual health that we were in trouble.

 

When I talked to my wife today, she told me that she will always love me, and is in love with me. She said she would love if we could work things out and be a family. She said right now she needs time because she is still leery (her words) that I am willing to change and that I am not manipulating her.

 

I hope everyone knows I wouldn't be here on this website if I was going to waste my time trying to trick her into loving me. I know I wasn't happy the way things were and neither was her or the kids. I don't want to have that marriage back, I want to have a happy one for everyone. If we can't do that, I don't want to hurt the kids anymore than I have.

 

SLM You have a lot of the right answers here for yourself, you just need to get them organized. Thats why I push IC, its a big help in that area and a good counselor will be able to make things work with your schedule.

 

Your w's fear of manipulation is normal, and that is in the eye of the beholder. You are trying to save your marriage and keep your family, trying to get anyone to do anything can be defined as manipulation. Its the intent behind it that matters. Make sure she knows your intentions are true, and yes, your probably going to have to plead your case for awhile, for her to see your intent is genuine. Thats her protecting her and her kids.

 

Your on the right track, just remember its a marathon, not a sprint. Slow, sensetive and deliberate action is whats called for.

 

I have been reading through a lot of the other threads here.

 

Should I go NC except for arrangements about the kids?

 

NO! NO! and double NO! Plain and simple, you feel part of this is because of you seeming distant and detached in a major part of your life together (relationship with step kids) what kind of message do you think NC is going to convey? When in doubt, take a moment and think what your actions will look through her eyes, and from a worst case scenario.

 

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Keep the lines of communication open. I do think it will take longer than the 6 weeks you're hoping for until you see some positive results. As long as there isn't another man, the marriage is recoverable.

 

God didn't take away your wife in order to bring you closer to him. Your wife and you are equally to blame for the possible destruction of this marriage. For those who have backslid on account of the pressures and stresses of everyday life, traumatic events re-awaken us spiritually and draw us closer to the Lord. This is a blessing.

 

As long as you and your wife are working towards the same goal, reconciliation, all is not hopeless.

[slm]

Keep the lines of communication open. I do think it will take longer than the 6 weeks you're hoping for until you see some positive results. As long as there isn't another man, the marriage is recoverable.

 

God didn't take away your wife in order to bring you closer to him. Your wife and you are equally to blame for the possible destruction of this marriage. For those who have backslid on account of the pressures and stresses of everyday life, traumatic events re-awaken us spiritually and draw us closer to the Lord. This is a blessing.

 

As long as you and your wife are working towards the same goal, reconciliation, all is not hopeless.

 

There isn't another man. I trust my wife with my life and I have never trusted anyone on that level. My wife is heartbroken and rightfully so, but I know her better than that.

 

I didn't mean God took my wife away. I mean God is using this to allow me to detach from the world and push close to him, probably for the real first time in my life.

[slm]

NO! NO! and double NO! Plain and simple, you feel part of this is because of you seeming distant and detached in a major part of your life together (relationship with step kids) what kind of message do you think NC is going to convey? When in doubt, take a moment and think what your actions will look through her eyes, and from a worst case scenario.

 

TOJAZ

 

That makes sense to me. What I don't know is how to balance her request for space with what I know is the need for communication.

 

For example, as I was leaving today I said, "Well, I will see you on Sunday when I pick up [our daughter]." She works 3rd shift and three of my kids are older (14,12 and 8), but the 2 year old obviously has to stay with me.

 

She replied, "Well, I will see you tomorrow at the house, right?", meaning the rental we were living in, which each of us has a few things left to gather. I know I shouldn't be reading into her words but it seemed like that was a good thing, almost eagerness.

[slm]

It's not manipulation if you truly love her and want your family back. Just keep letting her know you love your family...if you regress and pull away, it's not showing her that you love her and will send mixed signals. Just be consistent with your actions with her and all of the children...and going to your church would be good....maybe there is a family counselor there that can help as well.

 

I haven't been going to "our" church for a long time. I'm not sure why, but at some point I just stopped going and made excuses, then eventually I just stopped even making excuses.

 

That said, I think it is obvious I need God in my life, not because I am upset but because that is what He wants. I know even though I haven't been faithful to Him, he is faithful to me.

 

I did speak to the pastor of our church this week and admitted to him that I had been going through the motions for a long time (maybe even always) and I just felt it was more honest to stop coming to church. In the past, he and I were very close (we are the same age) which made being a fraud even harder for me. When I told him that I felt God had "smacked me in the face with what he wants" he was very happy for me. We talked about my spiritual future outside of what it means to my marriage. I feel it will be hard for me to go back to attending that church while separated (it is very small, less than 100 people) so he spoke to a pastor at another church in town and on Sunday I am going to start going there for a while.

[slm]

Keep the lines of communication open. I do think it will take longer than the 6 weeks you're hoping for until you see some positive results. As long as there isn't another man, the marriage is recoverable.

 

God didn't take away your wife in order to bring you closer to him. Your wife and you are equally to blame for the possible destruction of this marriage. For those who have backslid on account of the pressures and stresses of everyday life, traumatic events re-awaken us spiritually and draw us closer to the Lord. This is a blessing.

 

As long as you and your wife are working towards the same goal, reconciliation, all is not hopeless.

 

As for my six week "deadline", I meant that she could at least say she wanted to work on things. If she is willing to work towards fixing the issues in our marriage, I don't care how long it takes.

[hopesndreams]

There isn't another man. I trust my wife with my life and I have never trusted anyone on that level. My wife is heartbroken and rightfully so, but I know her better than that.

 

I didn't mean God took my wife away. I mean God is using this to allow me to detach from the world and push close to him, probably for the real first time in my life.

 

I'd be remiss if I didn't throw that possibility out there.

[hopesndreams]

As for my six week "deadline", I meant that she could at least say she wanted to work on things. If she is willing to work towards fixing the issues in our marriage, I don't care how long it takes.

 

I thought she did want to work on things.

[slm]

I'd be remiss if I didn't throw that possibility out there.

 

I understand that. I have read enough on here to realize many people are blindsided by that when it happens. Is it impossible that she is seeing someone else? No, I have thought about it.

 

I just couldn't imagine her doing that, it would be 180 degrees out of character for her.