My wife is miserable, may have cheated, has talked about divorce, now there's a twist

[eDistressed]

Hello all -

 

This is my first time on any message board of this sort, and at this time I

need it most. I am 26 with 2 children. My wife of over 5 years has told me

that she is "miserable." In fact, in discussions she has told me that she

hasn't only been miserable recently, however for well over 3 years of our

marriage. When I asked if she loved me, she answered "I don't know..."

 

Well folks, now that I've set the stage, I'll offer some background...

 

After moving several times after marriage; first into an apartment after

our first child, I was 21, she was 18. Next, to another apartment in

another state so I could get a better job as supporting my new family was

my top priority, to a house in that state then to a bigger, better house

where we are now. Before we moved to the newest house, we had another

child, this time planned. Things seems to be going very well. I had a well

paying job which I'm worked for to earn over time, I had a loving (in

theory) family, everything seemed fine. We were financially secure and

everyone appeared happy.

 

Problems started arising about a year after my second child was born. My

wife put on a lot of weight which made her severely depressed. She began

taking pills upon pills of OTC weight loss, fluid and other dietary

medications. In one instance, I caught her taking a cocktail of several to

"get her through the day." That ended to the best I could tell shortly

after I addressed the situation, however the low self-esteem did not. This

however made me the 'bad guy' and 'too controlling.'

 

This escalated into other situations, including her talking me into

'consensual simultaneous extramarital relationships' (how's that?). Granted

the idea was fascinating and exciting so at the time this was great,

however the emotional scars it left for me (and only me) will remain

forever. Suffice to say, she not only originated the idea, but happened to

enjoy the concept too much. This was a major turning point.

 

Another turning point was a discovery I had made within this timeframe. She

had been sharing explicit pictures of herself over chat rooms and IM on the internet.

I found an email once from her to an ex-coworker of mine: "so

you'll only talk to me when my clothes are off..." That sparked me to

search further which I found other statements and photos on her computer

which were explicit as well. I was angry... I called her at work and told

her not to come home. After she did arrive home, we discussed what happened

and she apologized. We put closure to it and wrote it off asa 'stupid mistake'.

This did not mean I stopped checking up on her, because at this point I couldn't trust

her, which I told her so.

 

Around the same time, she had begun a new career which required extensive

training, hours and expenses. Since this career would not offer pay for

well over 8 months, I volunteered to assist her in her endeavors.

Her lack of self-esteem had made her feel that she was a failure, so I

wanted to assist as much as possible. Suffice to say, the money invested

went into a blackhole... I have talked to her about the financial pitfall,

but she says I'm controlling her and do not want to see her succeed. I

cannot imagine why she would think I was controlling her so she wouldn't be

successful! In any case, fastforward to today, this career has put us in

financial straights. I'm finding it difficult to make ends meet now.

 

Enough about the financial aspect - The emotional aspect is where the major

problem resides. Here's a summary since I've bored you with the historical

details:

 

- My wife "doesn't know" if she loves me anymore

- The consensual simultaneous extramarital relationships (or CSER, here

forward) was a problem for me, although I'm still reminded of it. She is not

bothered that we engaged in the activity as I am.

- She believes I am controlling every aspect of her life, again because of

the reasons mentioned above, but moreover because she depends on me,

whether she likes it or not (as egotistical that may have sounded, it

wasn't intended)

- Consistently she is screaming, literally screaming at our children. I do

not condone that. I will raise my voice as any father or mother has to, but

screaming is irrational.

- She is also unhappy because her weight problem has since continued

- I am concerned that she has continued to share explicit pictures and/or

engaged in another relationship. Her long hours allow her the time to do

such a thing, unfortunately for me.

 

Now we're back to today. Where she is miserable. She tells me that I do not

spend enough time with her, but we have nothing in common. Truly. The one

thing in common is our children, which I love and spend the most time with

due to her absorbent hours. I can't talk to her because it's late before

she gets home and I like to relax and decompress before bed. If we did

talk, it would be about her and her work. I have several hobbies which I

cannot do because it's taking time away from her. However when I spend time

with her and talk, we argue... and a lot. The word divorce has even come up

on several occasions. Ironically though, I'm content. I'm not happy by any

means, but if everything was status quo, I'm content.

 

Now to throw a wrench into this already mess. I think I'm in love with

someone else. (Didn't see that coming I bet) I wasn't actively searching,

but happened to find someone who I share a lot in common with and I really

think I love her. I haven't been 'loved' by the basic sense of the word for

months, if not years (according to my wife.)

 

If that wasn't bad enough, myself and this person met yesterday for the

first time in person (she works at the same company in a different office)

She, like myself, has a child and a fiance which 'no longer loves her'. This

information was not prompted, but offered. Our likes and dislikes are very

similar, and she is great to talk to and quite intelligent. When we met, we

met at a secluded (yet public) location - We chatted, hugged and eventually

kissed. Not a good-bye kiss, but a real loving kiss. We're both very

confused now as to what we need in life as we're stricken with guilt, yet

we want to see each other again.

 

OK, I'll leave it at that. You have my history with my marriage (which I

feel has been on the brink of disaster for a while) we have my kids mixed

in, I'm in financial trouble, and there is a new woman in my life that I

believe I love.

[EnigmaXOXO]

Distressed,

 

Your marriage obviously has been in crisis for far too long. I can only hope it isn't beyond the point of no return.

 

Rather then inundate you with opinions and advice which you will no doubt receive, I thought it might be a better Idea to share a wonderful, insightful link that Moimeme posted yesterday. Perhaps it will give you what you need to come to some conclusion, or "solution" on your own.

 

Good luck, and G-d's speed!

 

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/index.html

[2SidestoStories]

I'm going to start out with a generic sort of response: Counseling. From what you describe in terms of your wife's behavior, especially with the weight-loss supplements (of which a number of the OTC ones are 'uppers' for lack of a better word) and self-esteem issues, she could really use someone to talk to. A number of people associate comfort with sex, and in my opinion, that is why a number of affairs happen and never pan out; why people are left longing when they thought they were filling a void.

 

I am sorry that you have emotional scars as well. This only reiterates what I suggested in the first place. A lot of people are uncomfortable with the idea of talking to a "shrink." However, what you really need to consider is that by talking with a professional, you may be able to save your life and your wife's life, even if the resolution is divorce.

 

What you DO NOT need to do is pursue this possible relationship. Not because you owe it to your wife to "work things out" or what have you, but because you have a lot to work out for yourself before you consider emotionally investing yourself in someone else. "Take time for you."

 

I wish you the best of luck. You have the ability to make things right, whatever right might be; believe in that.

[eDistressed]

I've asked her to attend marriage conseuling. She said it's ridiculous to waste time and money on that. (a paraphrase, but that was the extent). I have been trying to make it better, but it's a 2-way street and I always end up being the solution provider. But, I'm out of ideas.

[2SidestoStories]

Hey...go read my previous threads. Heck, read the one I just posted! I know how you feel to an extent. It IS a two-way street. But truly, you do owe it to yourself to heal from this before becoming involved with another lady. Most often times people who depart a failed relationship fall into the trap of another, and then another...and you're young like me, so the draw of "in love" is super intense.

 

My ex-ish husband refused and refused counseling, even when he was suicidal, which for all I know he still is; he refused on the basis of "we can't afford it," and of "I'll lose my job," and "I don't NEED counseling!" and every other excuse under the sun.

 

Now, though, you must consider your children as well as yourself. If the environment is destructive for them, you and your wife have to come up with a way to make it safe for them. Kids are DARN smart. Let me tell you...I have two of them myself! Teach them love, not hate. Teach them that conflict can be resolved without resorting to violence or aggression. Teach them by example that even though sometimes people who live together don't get along when they're together, they can get along when they're living apart.

 

Again...I wish you luck and much introspection.