Wife wants legal separation - I'm devastated

[workingonit]

This is my first post here. Here goes…

 

My wife and I have been married for seven years. We don't have kids. We are currently separated, but not legally...yet. I'm at my parents and she is in our apartment across the state. I was my idea to give her space, but she is the one questioning the marriage. I am absolutely committed to doing anything it takes to make it work. I have been here for a month and the plan was for me to stay another month and then come home. We then were going to decide whether to make the marriage work or divorce.

 

I did our once a week check in today and she told me that it's over. She wants to have a new place by march if she can. I will stay at my parents until then. I am paying the rent in our apartment, she is paying all the other bills. This was our previous bill arrangement.

 

I am absolutely devastated. I knew something like this was possible, just not tonight. I thought I had another month for things to get better, for her to cool off, to miss me. I can barely type as I write this. I would do anything to make this work. Since I've been gone I've quit smoking, started seeing a therapist, started training for a 10k, working out everyday, journaling everyday, reading self help books almost every day. I think this may be a case of too little too late. I've realized the things I've done to contribute to the mess we were in. I see how I made her feel like I didn't care about her and what she wanted out of life or in general. I see how I took her for granted. I see how I put myself and my career before our marriage. I see how I was irresponsible with my end of my responsibilities and made her feel like she had to be a parent. I've finally taken a good long look in the mirror and I finally hear her. I finally understand what she has been screaming and pleading at me for years.

 

She had even said to me "you just don't get it" "one of these days, something will click, and what I'm wanting from you will make sense. It will probably be too late"

 

I guess she was right. I always thought that I was a great guy and when she was less depressed, lonely, unhappy with her job, unfulfilled in her life, then we would be happy again. I alway felt like I was doing all that I could and why is she so upset with me and disappointed? It's all clear to me now. And while I know it's not all my fault, I can at least own my part for the first time. I'm ashamed of some of the things I've done and can't Imagine forgiving myself for them. I just look back at the times she cried and begged and screamed for me to hear her. I heard her, I just didn't know how to fix the problems.It never really connected with me. I begged her to go to counseling with me. She went once and never went back. I convinced her again to try 2 months ago, six years after the first time. We went to a man and a woman. The woman told her she didn't see us working out and said I was a narcissist and possibly had ADHD. This is within an hour. I was furious, I drug her in there to get some help to save our marriage and the therapists told us if your wife is uncertain about the marriage, it's pointless to come back.

 

She says she still loves me, there is no one else, this is killing her, she is sick to her stomach, she's not sure if this is the right thing but she has to do it. She said it's even harder because I didn't hit her, cheat on her, wasn't an ******* to her. I don't understand. The night before I left we made love, it was amazing. We lay there for hours naked crying and looking into each others eyes. I just can't comprehend this is happening.

 

She says that for 7 years she has been my assistant, coach, shadow, financier and catered to all of my desires, life goals, dreams, mid life crises.Meanwhile she sacrificed all of hers. I'm a musician and composer. She feels she has lost herself and become someone who she despises. She feels that she cannot go back to the way things were because she was so so unhappy and depressed. She feels that she needs to take care of herself first, for once, and rediscover who she is and what she wants.

 

I told her that I'm making huge changes in my life, I see for the first time the ways my actions hurt you and disappointed you. I wan't to try this with couples counseling steering and shaping our communication and making sure things are fair and balanced. I told her I am restructuring the way I work at my job so we can have more time for each other. She said no.

 

She says she still loves me and it's the hardest thing she's ever done but she has to do this. And she can't do it while she's with me. She can't even do it while I'm waiting for her to figure it out. I asked her why trial separation and not Divorce. She said so I could stay on her insurance. She clarified that this is not a trial separation this is ending the marriage, this just has some legal benefits.

 

She is the most amazing person I have ever met and the love of my life. I asked her if she could guarantee that we'd never be together again and she said no, I don't' know. I just wanted to find out, do you not love me? are you gay now? are you becoming a nun? is there someone else?

No to all of these. Of course I'm just scrambling for some shred of hope.

 

Okay my question is this. Do I move on with my life? Do I let things cool off a little and see how interactions go?

 

I also have a few options to move away for a few months and live very cheaply while I work and save money for a car, studio apt ect. One is in the same city as her, two are hundreds of miles away. I really want to stay in the same city as her. I feel like any chances of reconciliation are far worse if I'm hundreds of miles away.

 

Should I still be wearing my ring? Do I delete all traces of her from my computer and phone? Right now my gut tells me that I will do my own thing but not move on. I'm not interested in meeting anyone else. I wont' do it forever, but I want to continue to hold a place in my heart for her.

 

Is doing this being a big old pushover, or is it fighting for my wife and letting her figure out whatever she needs to figure out. I don't need to be dating anyone for a long time anyway.

 

 

Thanks in advance, I've read many of your posts out there and I know you've been through all of it! Any advice would be appreciated.

[BlindRage]

If she told you she wants a legal separation you should give it to her. Don't stick around and don't even show her you are hurt. Act like its a piece of cake and like you don't care. If she didn't want you then you know what? Too bad for her, its her loss. Thats what I think. Well, it just seems that if you stick around you'll drive her away more (thats what happened with my ex I pushed her away by sticking around). Show her no pain and move on. If later on she sees she loves you and made a mistake leaving you then being together will be by your terms not hers. It'll be hard but if I could change something about how my relationship went it would be how I acted with her and how I showed her my pain and vulnerability. If you do the same believe me you'll regret it too some day.

[robf1971]

I see how I made her feel like I didn't care about her and what she wanted out of life or in general. I see how I took her for granted. I see how I put myself and my career before our marriage. I see how I was irresponsible with my end of my responsibilities and made her feel like she had to be a parent. I've finally taken a good long look in the mirror and I finally hear her. I finally understand what she has been screaming and pleading at me for years.

 

.

 

It's good to see you're taking a good hard look at some of what you did wrong. However, no one is perfect, including her, you both need to own your part in this, not just you.

[workingonit]

Crap, I know. I got emotional tonight on the phone for the first time. I had previously been strong, objective and fair about everything. But when she dropped the bomb, I lost it. I guess I'm trying to find a way to be not completely closed off to the possibility of reconciliation with her but not just sitting and waiting either. I have to take care of myself, I know that.

[workingonit]

It's good to see you're taking a good hard look at some of what you did wrong. However, no one is perfect, including her, you both need to own your part in this, not just you.

 

I agree. She does too in fact. She finally admits that it's not all my fault, which she used to say. She for some reason feels that she needs to do this at any cost. This self discovery, reinvention journey she needs, can't happen with me.

 

I think she was so unhappy that she cannot, will not go back to the way it was at any cost.

 

She thinks things will be the same. We've had other similar big fights with the a similar but lesser outcome. She doesn't believe that it can be different this time. She said she's still very angry and hurt about how things went.

 

I'm hoping when that resentment and anger dies down she might be more willing to reconsider.

[robf1971]

Is doing this being a big old pushover,

.

 

Totally,

 

I've been there, women are not attracted to that, for a start. Also this whole motherly thing, you need to start getting independent, please don't tell me she still buys your socks.

 

What the heck are you doing out of your apartment? She wants out of the marriage and you leave? are you crazy? Do yourself a big favour, move back in. no nastiness, "wife I'm moving back in, you are welcome to stay or go" Then do it!!

 

As for deleting her and all that cr*p, that is just being reactive. Stop it!! Stop begging her, it is pushing her further from you. As for the counselling my wife went to a session with me just to tell me that we were finished, she wants out, doesn't love me etc. Guess what, 5 months later she is the one asking me to do counselling with her to work on the marriage.

 

It can be turned around but you need to man up, it doesn' mean being a jerk. she wants a separation? Fantastic, let her do all the legwork.

You can say

 

"wife, this isn't what I want but if you want a separation I won't stand in your way"

 

You are pressuring her with all your pleading and begging, you are banging nails into your own coffin. STFU. Let her iniatiate any relationship talks. Validate her eg she says

 

"Husband you were not there for me emotionally"

 

You could reply, " I agree, I wasn't, I don't know why I acted that way"

 

This is how to make everything calm again, take the pressure of her, man up become attractive to her again. Act as if you will be fine whatever happens. Do not show her your pain, Cry to a friend, vent on here, Do not show her your anger, Go for a run ort o the gym, whatever..

[workingonit]

Totally,

What the heck are you doing out of your apartment? She wants out of the marriage and you leave? are you crazy? Do yourself a big favour, move back in. no nastiness, "wife I'm moving back in, you are welcome to stay or go" Then do it!!

.

 

The only reason I offered to leave is that I have a home studio and can work from anywhere. She lives near our apt. The only way for us to be separate and not spend any more $ was for me to drive my home studio across the state to my Dad's extra bedroom. It started off as a long holiday visit and kept growing. I agreed to pay one more months rent while she figures it out. I'm not just giving notice on our apt and kicking her out. I don't want it to go down that way and get ugly.

 

 

What about staying local? We have the same group of friends so that might be a little weird. I would prefer to stay in the city where our apartment is. I love that city, she hates it. It's ironic that she's trapped there and I can go anywhere. I'll admit I want to be unavailable but not too unavailable.

 

 

 

I agree with the not pleading or disagreeing. I was being such a good actor and being strong and I just lost it.

 

We're going to talk on Friday about logistics, finances etc. I'll have a chance to do it differently. I'm sure the tone will be all business anyway.

[robf1971]

I'm not just giving notice on our apt and kicking her out. I don't want it to go down that way and get ugly.

.

 

Sorry, but you are being weak and she can see it.

 

No one said to kick her out on her a$$ you are giving her the freedom she wants. You think that letting her live in the apt will make her change her mind? Seriously?.

 

You have no kids, she is a big girl, let her find her own place and have her freedom. She needs to feel what real separation is IMO, part of that is paying her own bills.

[workingonit]

I did get the sense that she was expecting sympathy from me about her financial pickle that she PUT HERSELF in! I told her it's a package deal. Ending marriages and splitting assets are expensive. What did you think?

 

I do know that she would have no where to go. And as much as I am pissed at her for bailing on our marriage, I still care about her as a person and know that she'd be totally f**ked.

 

 

Once we give notice on the apartment and move out, we'll split all the remaining debt 50/50

 

I actually thought about driving there tonight and grabbing the rest of my stuff and never paying rent again. That idea lasted about 10 seconds, but I do feel a little on the fence about making the process of her LEAVING ME easier for her.

[robf1971]

I do know that she would have no where to go. And as much as I am pissed at her for bailing on our marriage, I still care about her as a person and know that she'd be totally f**ked.

 

Hmm sorry I don't buy that, she has no kids to look after. She can go get a damn job like everyone else on the planet and pay rent. Big Girls panties.

[BlindRage]

I agree with rob.

 

Let her get a taste of being alone without you there to support her.

[workingonit]

Yeah, I get it. The problem is. I don't want to be there. I don't want anyone to be there. I want that apartment history. I don't want to live there. I'm going to have to do the parent's and friends couch tour for a few months, pay very little if no rent so I can save a couple thousand dollars for a piece of **** car and a deposit on a studio. I'd probably have to pay Feb rent at this point anyway. Too late in the month to give notice.

 

 

And to clarify, she did the vast majority of supporting. Part of the overall problem. She's also agreed to keep me on her insurance.

[robf1971]

Yeah, I get it. The problem is. I don't want to be there. I don't want anyone to be there. I want that apartment history. I don't want to live there. I'm going to have to do the parent's and friends couch tour for a few months, pay very little if no rent so I can save a couple thousand dollars for a piece of **** car and a deposit on a studio. I'd probably have to pay Feb rent at this point anyway. Too late in the month to give notice.

 

 

And to clarify, she did the vast majority of supporting. Part of the overall problem. She's also agreed to keep me on her insurance.

 

OK I'm in the UK and I don't understand how insurance works over there but I think your missing the point. You want one tiny chance at winning her back? Man up dude. She won't be attracted to somone sleeping on couches...

[hopesndreams]

Stop bowing down to her. Put notice in on the apartment, NOW. File for D. She is not so sure if her OM will save the day so she is keeping you on a string.

 

She says that for 7 years she has been my assistant, coach, shadow, financier and catered to all of my desires, life goals, dreams, mid life crises.Meanwhile she sacrificed all of hers.

 

She sure does think highly of herself. What are her faults.

 

She said it's even harder because I didn't hit her, cheat on her, wasn't an ******* to her. I don't understand.

 

She does not want you to clue in she is seeing someone else. Right now she needs you to take care of her until her OM can take over. Perhaps he is busy right now with a W or gf.

 

Maybe I`m completely off the mark but a woman does not leave a good man to be on her own.

[marqueemoon4]

Yea, I have to agree.. if you get the intestinal fortitude to go NC, not freakout on her, then do it. Take a step back, give her what she wants, don't fight her. Get your act together and continue to get stronger. She'll respect you for it. You don't have any kids so worst case scenario is D which is a huge hassle and emotionally draining but you'll get a clean break. Not all of us are that lucky.

Edited January 12, 2011 by marqueemoon4

[robf1971]

Stop bowing down to her. Put notice in on the apartment, NOW. File for D. She is not so sure if her OM will save the day so she is keeping you on a string.

 

She says that for 7 years she has been my assistant, coach, shadow, financier and catered to all of my desires, life goals, dreams, mid life crises.Meanwhile she sacrificed all of hers.

 

She sure does think highly of herself. What are her faults.

 

She said it's even harder because I didn't hit her, cheat on her, wasn't an ******* to her. I don't understand.

 

She does not want you to clue in she is seeing someone else. Right now she needs you to take care of her until her OM can take over. Perhaps he is busy right now with a W or gf.

 

Maybe I`m completely off the mark but a woman does not leave a good man to be on her own.

 

I think he needs to do some digging

[robf1971]

Stop bowing down to her. Put notice in on the apartment, NOW. File for D. She is not so sure if her OM will save the day so she is keeping you on a string.

 

She says that for 7 years she has been my assistant, coach, shadow, financier and catered to all of my desires, life goals, dreams, mid life crises.Meanwhile she sacrificed all of hers.

 

She sure does think highly of herself. What are her faults.

 

She said it's even harder because I didn't hit her, cheat on her, wasn't an ******* to her. I don't understand.

 

She does not want you to clue in she is seeing someone else. Right now she needs you to take care of her until her OM can take over. Perhaps he is busy right now with a W or gf.

 

Maybe I`m completely off the mark but a woman does not leave a good man to be on her own.

 

I think he needs to do some digging

[workingonit]

I know you guys will think I'm crazy, but I've asked her many times if there is someone else. She always says no and is insulted as if, how could you even think that?

[workingonit]

Well it's the next morning and I'm still breathing. Still a little hazy from the anxiety pills I took. I keep going over and over the conversation in my head. I realize that I am negotiating for signs of hope, something to cling on to.

 

She said while crying and sobbing "I love you, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I feel sick, I feel like I'm going to throw up, I've been having panic attacks all week. I"m not sure if this is the right decision."

 

I told her, "this is a choice you are making, you don't have to do this" "I think it would be a good idea to make sure this is the right decision. I have personally made many changes in myself, I have come to new realizations about my role in our problems and admit them completely and am willing to fix them. I suggested having some structure, couples counseling to shape and steer how we work together as partners and to make sure we have an equal relationship. I also told her I am restructuring the way my work schedule is so she and we are the priority this time". This had always been an issue.

 

This upset her even more. She said "stop it stop it" and cried and cried. "I'm not changing my mind". Almost as if she was teetering already and couldn't take the completely reasonable rational solutions I was presenting.

 

I told her, we can just as easily end this in a few months, if you are feeling the same, as we can right now. At least then you can be sure. She did say that she wasn't sure this was the right decision.

 

 

We're going to talk again on friday to discuss details calmly. Of course there is a part of me hoping that she'll feel different, or will be more receptive to my idea of giving it one last shot. She said she's afraid to go back because she feels it will be the same and she can't go back to that place ever again.

 

That's why I presented three very tangible things that would prevent it from going down the same road.

[workingonit]

Thank you, by the way for all of the responses. It's nice to know I'm not alone in all of this.

[robf1971]

Almost as if she was teetering already and couldn't take the completely reasonable rational solutions I was presenting.

 

.

 

What you are doing is pursuing

 

You needed to validate her eg

 

She said while crying and sobbing "I love you, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to do, I feel sick, I feel like I'm going to throw up, I've been having panic attacks all week. I"m not sure if this is the right decision."

 

Your reply, "I agree and understand how you could feel that way"

 

Note you would be saying exactly the same thing by doing this but coming across as non pursuing. She is running on emotions at the moment, and in love with her feelings. Nothing you say against them will do anything but is you subtly validate her feelings, you are agreeing with them, this may make her feel differently about you.

[workingonit]

So when I talk to her this Friday, I should just agree with everything? I was really hoping to get one more chance to calmly suggest an alternative.

[carhill]

I have personally made many changes in myself, I have come to new realizations about my role in our problems and admit them completely and am willing to fix them.

 

That's great. Get some IC to pursue that path, file for divorce and request mediation. Your actions will exemplify the changes you've made in yourself, augmented by effective IC.

 

I find it notable that *any* therapist would proffer an opinion of narcissism with one meeting. Either they perceived extremely strong signs of the disorder (DSM-5 will be changing that) or they were inadequately trained or incompetent. For your IC, choose a psychologist.

 

If learning from this experience and growing as a person does not assist the marriage to reconcile, then it will benefit you personally and make you a healthier relationship partner in the future.

 

In Cali, suing for divorce (or legal separation, which is essentially the same thing without the dissolution of marriage) takes active pursuit. It's a lawsuit which needs to be prosecuted. If the parties agree to drop the suit before judgment/settlement, there is no prejudice. Additionally, even after the marriage legally ends, there is no reason why the relationship can't continue/reconcile, etc.

 

Many potential paths. Good luck

[hopesndreams]

No more suggestions. The more you offer solutions and suggestions the more her resentment will build. Do not tell her you love her anymore either. This only reminds her she no longer loves you even though she claims otherwise.

 

Take a step back. Far back. Since you aren't going back home, you have no idea what she is up to and can't effectively work the 180. If you don't go back home, the only thing that could draw her back to you is to NC her azz! It goes like this. Put notice in on the apartment. File for D. NC her azz. You need to put her mind in a tailspin. She needs to wonder about you and think to herself, "OMG, he is ignoring me! I need my ego stroke, dammit!" She will also need you to give financial and emotional support. She also needs TIME to get her affairs in order, which you are giving her. You think giving her what she wants will endear herself to you. Wrong! It just doesn't work that way. The more she has you wrapped round her little finger the more RESPECT she loses for you. No respect=No love.

 

Why are you making things so easy for her?

 

I still say there is someone else. Cheaters lie, big time. Of course she will deny there is another man in the picture. Good lord, what would be her purpose in telling you when you are her little darling puppy that wags it's tail in her presence and believes whatever she says. You can't expect her to give that up!

 

Go against what your heart wants you to do and use your brain instead.

 

You need to know if there is an OM. Coz if there is, there is NO CHANCE of recon. And that is what you are after. You need to know what/who the enemy is. Stop being so afraid. Investigate.

[robf1971]

So when I talk to her this Friday, I should just agree with everything? I was really hoping to get one more chance to calmly suggest an alternative.

 

Google emotional validation...

 

Then I think another poster put it the best "NC her a$$" drop her like a bad habit. No calls no txts no emails. If she calls you let it go to voicemail.