Separated and sad...

[Sadandlonely71]

Hi...I've never posted to one of these before and am seeking a little constructive advise. Here are the relevant facts:

 

1) Married for 7 years, together for about 14, no kids;

2) We had been spending less and less time together (both busy with work);

3) Any free time, it felt as though my wife would rather spend her time with her mother;

4) I said I was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Afer a summer of little/no communication (I slept on the coach);

5) A few months later, I came home to find the house empty (most of the furniture/household effects taken);

6) Received a letter from her lawyer advising that she is seeking a separation order.

 

While angry at first. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have been seeing a counsellor since the breakup. I am quite guilty for our failing marriage: have issues with money (I'm a huge saver; always worrying about the future), am insecure and have trouble showing affection.

 

Still working on improving myself (with much assistance from a great counsellor) and I believe I am changing for the better. Would like to talk to my wife and see if there is any chance at reconciliation...she is a good person (as am I). I've sent her two e-mails right after the breakup and haven't heard a reply. I gave her a simple Christmas card the other day (dropped off at her work) letting her know that I miss her/thinking of her.

 

There's a lot to that old saying 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'...while our marriage was far from perfect, I believe that it could be with a lot of hard work. The sad thing is, it took this horrible separation for me to realize what a good thing I had.

 

What should I do when she (seemingly) doesn't want to talk to me. I don't want to be needy and ultimately it is her decision. I'm thinking about giving her some space and seeing what will happen but with lawyer's/inlaws/etc., I can only see it getting worse and we'll drift father apart.

 

What should I do? I really miss her and do love her a lot.

[january2010]

I suggest not contacting her again for a good while.

 

Spend the time working on yourself. You've realised that you have some things you'd like to change. Work on those.

 

If you do that, whatever happens, you will be in a stronger position to move forward, whether with her or without her.

[Sadandlonely71]

Thx for the advise. I'll try my best...I find some days I'm a step ahead and then fall back two after something (a movie, a place, etc.) triggers a fond memory we had together. I hate being alone and don't want to be a nuisance to my small circle of friends/family. This will be a tough Christmas!

[Surfer203]

You won't be a nuisance. They will understand what you are going through and the true friends and of course your family will be there for you! I can guarantee that, you are not bothering them. I went through a seperation and fell back on my parents and brothers. It was huge.. if I didn't have that support I would have drown in depression. Keep posting here, the folks on this board are awesome. They give good advice and care about others. Best of luck - keep your head up!

[january2010]

I alternate between good days and bad days. Unfortunately, the rollercoaster of emotions is a stage that many of us have to go through on this journey. And you'll find that the triggers will set you off for a good while yet. Though you may wish to start making some new memories that are more about you, to try to "overwrite" the old ones.

 

You don't have to be "alone" during the holidays though. If you don't have a channel to vent in real life, you can always post here, as Surfer203 suggested, or start a journal. It can be cathartic to get it out of your head. It also serves as a record of your progress to remind you of how well you are doing.

 

I also find that physical activity helps. Go to the gym, go for a run/walk. It'll be a change of scenery and something else to focus on.

[vtbrokenhearted]

My stbx just did this to me, but he was having an affair on top of it. I want more than anything for him to talk with me, to tell me what he's going through, to tell me why he's done what he's done, but he won't. I've recently tried so hard to be supportive and share, but it just doesn't matter. It's been three months since he told me, "I don't want you anymore" and the more time that goes on, the more time I'm left with unanswered questions, the quicker I want to get through the whole divorce process.

 

I think you should talk with her and tell her how you feel. I know I'm going against what others have said here, but I really believe if you want to talk with her and you know you've made a mistake or mistakes in the past, you're truly working on helping yourself and you believe she loves you enough to work on things with you, try.

 

The issues he has had problems with for a long time are very similar to yours. He had a huge problem with money but not saving rather spending too much and did not take the time to understand the finances. He also has struggled with being insecure and has trouble showing affection. We've talked about them over the years, and he is also going to a counselor and hopefully talking about some of these things. I love him, and although he's hurt me more than I think he'll ever know, I would be willing to work on things with him if he would only talk with me. Like I said, I think it's too late, I think there's been too much time. I think this because now, I can't even bring myself to say that I'd be willing to work on things to him. I could for the first two months, but I haven't been able to this third month.

 

I know it's hard, but if you want to try, try. One thing that was extremely difficult for us immediately after he left, or for me, was that I was so hurt, in so much pain and so angry, that I yelled at him. I yelled like I have never yelled before. Your wife may be very emotional, very angry. Listen to her. Don't fear her emotions. She has a right to feel whatever way she does at the moment. If my STBX could have just listened to what I was feeling and shared what he was feeling, I don't things would have evolved the way they did. I'm sad about it, but I've realized that he didn't listen to me. I don't know if he didn't want to or he wasn't capable of it at the time. Listen and share, no matter how much it hurts, no matter how painful it is.

 

Good luck-

[Sadandlonely71]

Thanks for all of the comments...very appreciated. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Separation is horrible.

 

A quick question: need to hear from a women's perspective...I've tried contacting my spouse 3 times and haven't heard anything (2 by e-mail which I presume she received and once by a card that I dropped off at work)...all simply stating I'm hoping she is well, I'm thinking of her and letting her know that she can call if she needs anything. She hasn't replied.

 

Do I keep trying or simply 'leave the ball in her court' for awhile. Thx again.

[january2010]

Leave the ball in her court. She may have decided to cut off contact (go NC). It may not seem like it, but this is in your best interest. It gives you both time off from the situation to clear your head. Use the time wisely.

[robf1971]

Thanks for all of the comments...very appreciated. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Separation is horrible.

 

A quick question: need to hear from a women's perspective...I've tried contacting my spouse 3 times and haven't heard anything (2 by e-mail which I presume she received and once by a card that I dropped off at work)...all simply stating I'm hoping she is well, I'm thinking of her and letting her know that she can call if she needs anything. She hasn't replied.

 

Do I keep trying or simply 'leave the ball in her court' for awhile. Thx again.

 

All this emailing and card dropping is pursuing. It clearly isn't having any effect, so do something different. Stop trying, it will push her further away.

[Breakupguy12]

Sadandlonely, my heart goes out to you sir. I know exactly what you're going through. I have had, and to a degree STILL have issues with showing affection towards my wife. To a large degree it was due to my relatively absent father and some things he did. Did your counselor help you find out what's causing your issues in that regard? I applaud you for having the courage and determination to seek a therapist.

 

What's also good is that you understand that you can't force her, and that you understand that it's ultimately up to her. Way too many people try to force a square peg in a round hole by trying to make something work that they other party doesn't desire to make work. In my humble opinion, at this point there is nothing you can do but prepare to move on. She already knows that you want to get back together, however you have to prepare for the worst, and accept the best if and when she decides to try to make things worse. I don't think there's anything else you can do at this point.

 

I also applaud you for admitting that you've been less than perfect in this whole situation. You sound like a very honorable man, I admire you for your effort. Hang in there. The ball is in her court right now. You can't force her hand.

[Sadandlonely71]

Thanks for the comments/help everyone.

 

It's strange how it takes something as severe as a separation for me hear stuff my spouse was saying for years all along.

 

I don't want to read too much into this, but I received a fairly simple Christmas card today in the mail from my spouse with her comments "Thinking of you" and a few gift cards to the movies. While I don't want to get my hopes up, it feels good to know that she's not hating me.

 

While I can't pretend I'm a completely different person, I can be quite honest in stating that there are certain things that I am improving about myself to make this relationship work...if given the chance (again). That being said, I'm still prepared to 'move on' if need be...although I don't want to...I still love her very much and am sad/guilty that I didn't communicate this during our time together.

 

...this is a 'tuff Christmas. My thanks to all of you for continued help during this time. My heart goes out to all of you that are dealing with your own losses.

[Sadandlonely71]

Having received the 'thinking of you' Christmas card from my spouse, I'm having difficulty not wanting to contact her. I feel like I'm the only single guy out there in the world (even though I'm know I'm not) and my heart aches. My fear is that by doing nothing we'll drift apart. That being said, I'll try my best to focus on myself, my therapy, work and doing some things that I enjoy. God...I'm so lonely and don't feel like this is ever going to end.

 

I heard a quote the other day that I'll think I'll remember for the rest of my life: "We're flawed because we always want more...were doomed because, once we get it we want what we had". Words to life by. I miss by wife.

[Sadandlonely71]

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas/New Year's (I did my best all things considering). I'm really struggling with what I should be doing at this point of our separation....as I noted before, received a Christmas card from my spouse (indicating "Thinking of you"), probably in response to a card I had given her the day before.

 

I am really working hard on making myself a better person (seeing a therapist, changes in my attitute, conveying feelings, making myself happy, etc.)...how can I show my spouse these changes when contact is kept to a minimal/non-existance. Compounding problems is the likely fact that her friends/family are saying to leave me.

 

Seems like a no win situation. I have my friends/family telling me to write her off and move on...I don't agree with that/won't do that until I put all I can into (hopefully) reconciling things.

 

I'm thinking about giving her a handwritten note from the heart letting her know how I feel and what I have been doing since our separation (slightly over 2-months ago). Not sure if that would be a good/bad thing.

 

I love my wife. I just don't know what to do and it is killing me! Help.

Edited January 3, 2011 by Sadandlonely71

[Duckduckgoose]

Just keep going to counselling and working on yourself. I too am separated and feeling all that you are feeling. I have been NC with him and am just pretty much waiting for him to serve the Divorce papers to me.

 

Changing yourself won't come overnight, it will take time. And sometimes if you really love them, and they want to leave, just let them go.

 

Its far easier said than done... I am in this situation too. I know that Jesus wouldn't give me more than I could handle so I just grin and bear it.

 

For inspiration I look at Pink and Carey Hart's relationship. Of course I always kind of identified with Pink anyway. Find something that inspires you.

[hanging on for now]

Hi...I've never posted to one of these before and am seeking a little constructive advise. Here are the relevant facts:

 

1) Married for 7 years, together for about 14, no kids;

2) We had been spending less and less time together (both busy with work);

3) Any free time, it felt as though my wife would rather spend her time with her mother;

4) I said I was unhappy and wanted a divorce. Afer a summer of little/no communication (I slept on the coach);

5) A few months later, I came home to find the house empty (most of the furniture/household effects taken);

6) Received a letter from her lawyer advising that she is seeking a separation order.

 

While angry at first. I've been doing a lot of soul searching and have been seeing a counsellor since the breakup. I am quite guilty for our failing marriage: have issues with money (I'm a huge saver; always worrying about the future), am insecure and have trouble showing affection.

 

Still working on improving myself (with much assistance from a great counsellor) and I believe I am changing for the better. Would like to talk to my wife and see if there is any chance at reconciliation...she is a good person (as am I). I've sent her two e-mails right after the breakup and haven't heard a reply. I gave her a simple Christmas card the other day (dropped off at her work) letting her know that I miss her/thinking of her.

 

There's a lot to that old saying 'you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone'...while our marriage was far from perfect, I believe that it could be with a lot of hard work. The sad thing is, it took this horrible separation for me to realize what a good thing I had.

 

What should I do when she (seemingly) doesn't want to talk to me. I don't want to be needy and ultimately it is her decision. I'm thinking about giving her some space and seeing what will happen but with lawyer's/inlaws/etc., I can only see it getting worse and we'll drift father apart.

 

What should I do? I really miss her and do love her a lot.

 

It is true, the decision is hers. That's the sad reality. A women typically doesn't just decide on a whim to leave. She has thought long and hard and probably cried and prayed before deciding to move on. The problem is it is impossible for her to know that counselling is helping you since she isn't around to witness it. I would suggest you speak with one of her friends; one you both know and trust. Tell her what you spoke in this blog and see if she would confess it to her. Also understand that even if she is willing to consider it, this will be a very long journey. I'm in the same boat, less the blood sucking lawyers. Mine has moved out 4 months ago but never filed any separation or divorce papers. I hope we get it figured out and I hope you do too.

[Sadandlonely71]

UPDATE: Been working pretty hard with my counsellor and starting to feel better about myself and friends/family are noticing me getting better. Been working really hard on the 'no contact' thing since X-Mas and giving her 'her space'.

 

Happened to see her Facebook site the other day and she is indicating herself as single and 'looking for men'...that hurts! It's been slightly over 2-months since the separation...I've been doing lots of time thinking/making myself better/etc. and she's seemingly in party mode...am I reading too much into this (some of my friends/family think that my spouse never really had/enjoyed the 'fun' years we had in our early 20's when we were single and is trying to relive them now in her late 30's).

 

...do I have reason be be disheartened? Has she checked out? We haven't really talked since the separation...we've been together so long, I had hoped we could try to repair our relationship. Not feeling very good today about all of this...all of this is so hard. Help.

[sirweasles]

Well I think the NC was a mistake. NC is better used to get over sombody in this case it may have just worked in the oppisit direction for you. You have to make sure your wife knows you love her all the time and you have to have interaction with her in order for her to notice any changes in you. I would break NC imediatly and smothly try to work yourself back into her circle and cross your fingers. You will never know until you try. be the man she fell in love with its your best shot. Good Luck!!!!!!

[Sadandlonely71]

I'm no relationship guru by any means: I sent her a few e-mails and most recently a Christmas card saying that I'm missing her and hope she is well. Told her to call me if she's up for talking. Got a card back from her indicating 'Thinking of You'....now she's 'single' on Facebook...I'm so confused...do I let her know how I feel or give her space. God this is hard!

[Duckduckgoose]

Seems like she wants to keep you as an option if she changed her facebook status to single.

 

Do you want to be an option, or do you want to be the only one?

[sirweasles]

call her dude and talk it out its been long enough to have that discusion dont push for to much but get what you can with out being pushy call her its the only way you will find out

[Sadandlonely71]

I'm finding it unbearable living in this state of limbo.

 

Would like to hear a woman's perspective...I'm thinking about dropping her a quick note saying that "I'm thinking of her, I've been doing alot of thinking/soul searching/counselling and I'd like to get together to talk...no strings attached".

 

...I don't know what do do...feeling really lost...I wouldn't wish this separation stuff on my worst enemy.

[Sadandlonely71]

UPDATE: Having a tough time and not sure what I should do...very lonely and feeling lost. I'm reluctant to make an approach for fear of rejection. Help.

[juliejeanes]

u sounded like my husband in the beginning. he told me he wasnt happy and he wants a divorce. I have tried to show him i love him. my friends tell me to ignore him and act like i dont care and he will come back. maybe that is what she is doing bc she still loves u. She sees that ignoring u is working and it is making her happy that u are trying to win her back. try harder and send her flowers and a note telling her u love her and u made a mistake by saying u wanted a divorce. let her know u r going to counseling. I am hoping this works with my husband. I love him so much and I am trying my hardest to act like I dont care bc i want him back so bad.

[Sadandlonely71]

Thanks...I'll give it a shot. I'm not so sure if I should do flowers...I don't want to look desperate. Feeling a bit better day: cleaned the house from top/bottom and am starting to cook (and enjoying it)!

 

I'm scared that she'll view any attempts as 'grovelling' and will simply reject me...it's going on 3-months, guess I should just find out where her head is at.

[Sadandlonely71]

It's been over 3-months since my wife left me and, aside from a 'Thinking of you' Christmas Card...there's been no contact except for a letter from a lawyer wanting to see my finances.

 

2 weeks ago I sent her a heartfelt letter telling her that I don't want a divorce and that I'd like to try to rebuild our marriage.

 

My only communication since then has been another letter from her lawyer asking for more financial papers...we've only been separated 3-months.

 

I think it's over...hurts like hell. I get so sad going out and seeing other couples in happy relationships with kids and I'm alone. Don't want to feel sorry for myself but it's hard not to.

 

So lonely and feeling life is not going to get better.