LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Breaking Up, Reconciliation & Coping > Separation and Divorce

Broken heart-20 years of marriage and my wife has fallen out of love


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd December 2010, 12:57 AM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Unhappy Broken heart-20 years of marriage and my wife has fallen out of love

This is my first time posting to anything like this but I feel so alone. I have been married for over 20 years with a wonderful wife and family and 2 great kids-a 9 year old with autism and a very active 5 year old. Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight. At first I was supportive of her because she has never had many friends, but recently she told my she wasn't in love with me and would have left me a long time ago if it wasn't for the kids. I suggested counciling, but we tried it a few years back and she says it doesn't work. What do I do? I still love her but I cant go on in this situation living like roommates (no sex,no social interaction, wife sleeping downstairs) I havn't slept in 3 days and cant even think straight at work. I also dont have many friends to talk to. What do I do? I've never been so sad in my life.
maineman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 2:31 AM   #2
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 16
i was going through the same thing last year when she dropped that line on me , i tried everything to make it work , but please remember that at the end of the day it `s her and not you . Shes lost the weight cause shes un-attractive to you and probably found someone else.

I`ve been through thick and thin and stuck with her during the bad time , but believe me that does`t mean a thing to them at the time . Shes does`t love shes means she does`t love you .

All i can say too for now is too be strong and it does get better , focus on yourself and just do the 180 thingy.
heartbroken301 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 3:12 AM   #3
Established Member
 
Idalis's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 135
I'm sorry you are going through this. Is there any way you can do the counseling for yourself to get help in dealing with all the emotions you are feeling?
__________________
love is what makes the impossible, possible
Idalis is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 6:20 AM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,812
Quote:
Originally Posted by maineman View Post
This is my first time posting to anything like this but I feel so alone. I have been married for over 20 years with a wonderful wife and family and 2 great kids-a 9 year old with autism and a very active 5 year old. Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight. At first I was supportive of her because she has never had many friends, but recently she told my she wasn't in love with me and would have left me a long time ago if it wasn't for the kids. I suggested counciling, but we tried it a few years back and she says it doesn't work. What do I do? I still love her but I cant go on in this situation living like roommates (no sex,no social interaction, wife sleeping downstairs) I havn't slept in 3 days and cant even think straight at work. I also dont have many friends to talk to. What do I do? I've never been so sad in my life.
Agreed. You can't go on like this.

She has GIGS. Grass is Greener Syndrome. Since it has been going on for 6 months, chances are she has either met up with someone from the internet or has been carrying on with someone from work. You did get the "I'm not in love with you" line, which could mean her new relationship has turned physical.

Investigate. If you want to fight for your M, or not, find out who the enemy is, you need facts in order to figure out what YOU want.

If you aren't coping, visit the family doc, get something to take the edge off.
hopesndreams is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 8:12 AM   #5
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 747
Here for you

Yep. I think she's met someone, too.
Try and get her to talk to you- at least then you'll know whether she intends to stay or not-or if you even want her to. The situation you are in is awful and is not healthy for you.
DO NOT MOVE OUT. Go and see a lawyer/solicitor and find out where you stand re children and house.
If you are struggling at work, go and see your doc and get some time off. Also consider personal counselling if she won't go with you.
There is no easy fix but just remember that we are all here for you and have been in similar situations. Keep posting. Hugs.
worlybear is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 9:32 AM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Unhappy Trying to hang in there

Thanks so much for the support. It helps so much to just talk about things. My wife does not want to talk about anything-too interested in her ipad and iphone and is off in her own world. I have an appointment with a therapist later this month. hopefully that will help. I have got to do something-no sleep for three days straight. I think I just need to give her her space now and stop trying to talk to her as this only seems to irritate her. She wants to go off on a trip to South America by herself next month-I told her to go for it. As far as trying to get more information, she has been so secretive this year-password protecting her phone, ipad and computer. My mind is just racing. I have built my entire life around my family and I still love here. The pain is too much to bear.
maineman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 9:51 AM   #7
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Midwest
Posts: 255
Quote:
Originally Posted by maineman View Post
She wants to go off on a trip to South America by herself next month-I told her to go for it. As far as trying to get more information, she has been so secretive this year-password protecting her phone, ipad and computer.
Quote:
Over the last 6 months my wife has spent 4-6 hours a night on social networking sights and has basically stopped interacting with me entirely. She has found some new friends and all of a sudden has lost a lot of weight
Maineman, sorry to tell you, but it is glaringly obvious that she has met someone else on her social networking site and wants out of the marriage. He may or may not be in SA, but if you let her go on a trip anywhere, she will turn her EA that she is in right now, to a PA, which then means a 99% chance your marriage is over. You gotta do the 180, and lay down the law about going anywhere without you.
goingstrong is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 9:58 AM   #8
Established Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,426
This vacation has GOT to be with another man. Most people don't go on vacations alone. My wife pulled the same s*** with her phone. She constantly was using it, texting or emailing the OM. She would bring her phone up to bed and put it on the bedside table and she would bring her phone in to the bathroom to play music while she showered. She NEVER let go of that phone for fear that I would see something I shouldn't. One day, I got it when she was in the bathroom but there was nothing incriminating on it at the time. Something is certainly up.. my wife too limited social interactions and sex did no exist anymore. She started sleeping in a seperate bed and would not kiss me fully. It is upsetting but you need to continue to go to work. Work will keep you occupied for most of the day and that is important. Even for me.. I am 5.5 weeks into my wife leaving.. I am still sad and still think about her during the work day, but if I was staying at home not doing anything I would probably go crazy. Good luck to you. Start doing things for yourself, make some new friends, join a gym, take up a hobby. It is your life too!
Surfer203 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 11:44 AM   #9
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,327
You already know she has met someone, that is obvious. This "trip" is also to see this person. She is deep inside an affair fog right now.

You have only one chance to help yourself, research the 180 and do it. Do it NOW.

Life that fog, expose her affair to the light of day. Dig, get her passwords somehow, get access to her cell bill.

Good luck and keep posting for support.
What_Next is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 1:53 PM   #10
Established Member
 
Gunny376's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: "Sweet Home Alabama"
Posts: 7,342
She's having at the very least and emotional affair if not a physical affair ~ or one on the verge of turning into one.

I would suggest you forget about her and let her go on about her business and her affairs and take pro-active steps to do what is best for you and your children and you and their future and best interest.

Take a Fool's Advice and from someone who's been there and done that.

I would let her go on her so-called "Vacation!" Hell I'd even pay for it!

But while she was gone I would be 'setting the stage' and blind-side her with a divorce petition, court date, seeking full custody, and possession of any and all martial assets.

I would even play the "I want a restraining and eviction order ~ because I feel endangered for my children and I." gambit.

When it comes to this sort of thing and divorce? There's only two kinds ~ ugly and uglier!

She's not only in "affair fog" mode she's practically delusional in that if at forty-something ~ she thinks she's going to replace a devoted husband and father of her two children of twenty years with someone new?

Oh she'll have no problem find herself someone new, and then someone else, and then someone else and then someone else.

Each time she'll move further and further down the food chain until she ends up with a "bottom feeder" the lowest of the low.

I've literally have studied through experience and reading ~ and have seen it time and time again.

I've got it down to almost a mathematical equation?

Its hard finding someone who your not only compatible with but who complements you and you they?

Someone who is willing to invest an enormous amount of time, effort, energy, hard work, and even money ~ who is willing to put up with, deal with, tolerate, and even choke down on your crap and baggage and you theirs.

And we all have crap and baggage that we bring into any and each relationship?

Most often than not? Its not going to last.

I can tell you personally speaking ~ having been married and in another LTR of six and half years? I would be very hesitant to get myself involved (Tangled up with) someone who has young children? Especially if one of them had autism? (Sorry ~ not my intention to offend)

You think raising children is expensive and hard? Try raising and dealing with someone else's.

The simple fact of the matter is that 'relationships' are easy to get into, can be difficult to maintain (and for you younger one's that's a daily maintenance thing) and more-often-than not? Damn hard to get out of.

The main reason marriages and relationships fail?

Because people, both men and women (more so men than women IMHO) don't know how to make marriage work? They don't know how to daily manage and nurture relationships.

Men think "Hey in so long as I don't cheat, hang out to much with "tha boys" drink, gamble away, snort up my nose the rent / mortgage? In so long as I'm a hard worker, hold a steady job and I'm a good "provider? I'm a good husband!"

Eeeeeeeek! Wrong answer!

You've got to date your mate!

What it took to get her? Is what it takes to keep her!

And the sad truth of the matter is?

Even sometimes that's not enough!

You could the best looking, richest guy in the world and it still wouldn't be enough!

You could be the most romantic, sweetest, nicest, most thoughtful. considerate guy there ever was?

And still end up where your at?

You should be less concerned about your wife her EA and / or PA affair, your marriage and more concerned with damage control!

Because as bad as it is and may seem to be? I'm here to STAND UP AND TESTIFY that it can and will go from bad to worse in Mississippi Minute!

Sorry but IMHO? The only difference between your marriage and the Titanic?

The Titanic still had a band playing "My Heart Bleeds For You" as she went down and under the waves!
__________________
Parts of me are awesome, the rest I'm working on!

Last edited by Gunny376; 2nd December 2010 at 1:57 PM..
Gunny376 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 2:10 PM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Male, 55, in Sunny Cali
Posts: 36,171
Journal Entries: 38
Hi OP, welcome to LS

Therapists have cancellations. In fact, if you're flexible, a therapist could fit you in this week. Is this time in your life worth being flexible with your schedule? Up to you.

How do you wish to proceed? Do you want to gather facts and, if negative, skewer her with them? Do you want a rancorous, contested divorce? There are two children in the mix, one special needs. Where do you want to set the boundaries for this?

Having done the 'good guy' divorce and being permissive, unhealthily so, in my M, I can see value in the other approaches offered here on LS. If you're prepared to walk that, the aggressive and assertive path, it could work for you. No one knows your W and your M better than you. What her buttons are, what your M dynamic is like.

If your username is indicative of location, that's quite a vacation she's proposing. Is that out of the ordinary for her? Others have suggested it is to meet with another man. If she doesn't normally travel to that region, that's a pretty good assumption.


Here's something to think about. What's your biggest fear, right here and right now? Don't answer immediately. Reflect upon your M and where you are right now and all the potential paths in front of you. Each path has its unique fears. Accepting fear can be an impetus to moving forward. We'll be here to support you along the path, whichever one you choose. Best wishes
carhill is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 2:45 PM   #12
Established Member
 
Gunny376's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: "Sweet Home Alabama"
Posts: 7,342
Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Hi OP, welcome to LS

Therapists have cancellations. In fact, if you're flexible, a therapist could fit you in this week. Is this time in your life worth being flexible with your schedule? Up to you.

How do you wish to proceed? Do you want to gather facts and, if negative, skewer her with them? Do you want a rancorous, contested divorce? There are two children in the mix, one special needs. Where do you want to set the boundaries for this?

Having done the 'good guy' divorce and being permissive, unhealthily so, in my M, I can see value in the other approaches offered here on LS. If you're prepared to walk that, the aggressive and assertive path, it could work for you. No one knows your W and your M better than you. What her buttons are, what your M dynamic is like.

If your username is indicative of location, that's quite a vacation she's proposing. Is that out of the ordinary for her? Others have suggested it is to meet with another man. If she doesn't normally travel to that region, that's a pretty good assumption.


Here's something to think about. What's your biggest fear, right here and right now? Don't answer immediately. Reflect upon your M and where you are right now and all the potential paths in front of you. Each path has its unique fears. Accepting fear can be an impetus to moving forward. We'll be here to support you along the path, whichever one you choose. Best wishes
I balance this with saying that Carhil is an obviously intellegent, educated, compassionate soul. (IMHO)

I on the other hand being a retired Marine am more a "Scorched Earth" burn down the village to save it type of individual when it comes to such things as seperation/divorce.

So take my advice with a grain of salt.
Gunny376 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 2:54 PM   #13
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,423
People who have nothing to hide... hide nothing.

Since she has stopped interacting with you entirely, is now online all the time "social networking," and is passwording her phone that never leaves her side, it is obvious she is having an affair. I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

My EX used to leave her phone on the table by the door unprotected. Until she started to have an affair. Then it never left her side.. AND she was online all the time "social networking" too. Trust me. She's cheating. Sorry to say that but I am only letting you know what I experienced maineman.

You need to look out for #1 now, and that's you and the kids maineman. Your wife seems to have decided to become an "Enemy of the State" and sounds like she has definitely left the reservation.

Sorry to hear about this, best of luck.
YellowShark is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 3:04 PM   #14
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
Still here now very confused

I feel so much better just talking about my situation. Thanks for all the support. I do want to add that I asked her if there was someone else but she denied it. I was able to schedule an App't with my doctor today. I have got to get some help-This constant anxiety and insomnia is eating me alive.
maineman is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd December 2010, 3:07 PM   #15
New Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 9
One more thing. I looked up on all the blogs she posts and noticed she has pictures of her and the kids. No mention or picture of her husband. Also, the picture she posts of herself is when she was in college more than 28 years ago. Is that normal?
maineman is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Fallen out of love with my wife Betrayer Separation and Divorce 25 21st September 2010 9:18 PM
After a year of marriage, my wife has fallen out of love with me soundwave Marriage & Life Partnerships 9 22nd August 2009 8:09 PM
heart broken, my partner of seven years called off our wedding Dawnie Getting Married 2 21st August 2006 1:21 AM
just a simple man with a broken heart after discovering wife having an affair distraught Separation and Divorce 16 20th February 2004 7:31 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 7:30 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.