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How to stay sane while wife is making decision?


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Well.. I had another thread about my situation. This one will focus on this question.. how do I stay sane and not obsess about my wife during this period of her reflection. She is heading back home to her parents tomorrow for about 5 days to make a decision and clear her head a bit. Should I avoid contacting her? Should I contact her before she leaves to wish her a safe flight, etc.? How do I occupy my mind and worries when I know inevitably at the end of this I will probably have an outcome on our future?

 

Please help, this week is going to be crazy and worrysome to no end.

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She is essentially choosing between me, her husband of almost 8 years and her new boyfriend of 1-2 months.. who she has been living with OR just going back to single life alone. She will be with her parents and I am hoping it will bring up memories of us visiting them and maybe her parents can give her some guidance to come back to me. Luckily we had a great relationship.

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I am going through a similar situation. This is round 2 however for me. She stayed and I thought we were getting to a better place, but she chose to hide her emotions once again. Now its the holding pattern, I however am not going to afford her the luxury of having her comfort and security this time. I do love her completely, but you can't force feelings on someone. You have to make a decision to be happy with who you are, and rest assured there is someone out there that will return the love we give them. Some people just aren't as strong emotionally as others, perhaps they have a history of divorce in their famiilies. My suggestion is remember who you are and what defines you as a person, that is the person she fell in love with. It really is their loss. Keep yourself busy with work, friends, and hobbies. Its hard, but focus and concentrate on yourself. Hang in there.

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Change the locks while she's gone.

 

Seriously man, you are just sitting there like a puppy dog while she decides whether the grass is greener on the other side or not? Kick her the F out. Tell her to go bang her bf, and file for divorce man. Have some dignity.

 

Do you think she would be as accommodating if you told her that you were going away for a week to decide if you wanted to stay with her, or run off to Vegas with your receptionist??

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Here's my favorite quote for these types of situations, I think it says it all in one concise sentence.

 

"Never make someone a priority who only sees you as an option."

 

 

Best of luck.

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I realize you can't force feelings on someone.. but it is strange with my wife because she insists she still loves me and cares for me, but she has feelings for this other guy. I don't understand how some one can outweigh a long healthy relationship for a new Bulls*** infatuation. I know one day if she decides to stay with him it will fail and be a huge mistake. It sucks that I can't show her this, nothing I say matters really. So I guess I will lay off while she is gone... we have spoke several times in the past couple of weeks and even met up once. She decided to go home after our meeting.. prior to that she was reluctant, so I am hoping I had some impact on her.

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I think you guys are right..

 

I have already shifted money to a private account and clamped the credit card down. I plan on changing the locks.

 

I feel I have to give this one last shot and see what happens. I feel if I just walk away there will never be a chance. It is just my nature to care and put in this effort. But that will run out and I told her that. So, I am hoping she comes back with her mind made up.

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Man, I have been in the exact same place. And hindsight has afforded me the luxury to share. The more I thought about what I am fighting for, the more I kick myself in the ass. You probably like the "idea" of marriage. Change sucks, but sometimes it is a blessing in disguise. She cheated. Another man has been with her. Who knows if they will live happily ever? Who cares. This is a game of winning for you now. And let me tell you, once you win, you have to live with emotional garbage.

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Women hate a whiny, begging, emotional husband. They like someone who sticks up for themselves, and for their dignity and principles. Now is the time to MAN UP. If you're determined to give it one more shot then I'll tell you what to do. Phone her up tonight, and tell her to get her ass back home if she wants any chance of the marriage working. Yes use those words, do not mince them. If she says no or can she think about it then tell her no, you want a decision in the next 10 seconds, is it you or is it him. If she won't choose then tell her not to bother coming back. If she does come back then you need to lay down the law about how your reconciliation will work, marriage counselling, total transparency, all the usual rules that are posted on here.

 

Be careful with actually changing the locks though, I meant it as a figure of speech. In the UK it is illegal for either spouse to deny the other entry to the marital home.

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Thanks for the advice all. I really wish I could do that ultimatum approach. I think it would backfire though especially considering that she has now a booked flight to leave tomorrow. Now would not be the time to do this. But if she comes back in is fumbling with a decision, I think that would be a more appropriate time to try that. I am at my end here. Losing patience!

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Surfer, maybe you need to try Owl's method. His wife wanted to test the waters by meeting the OM.

 

Owl said no. Her leaving would be their divorce. This took her out of fantasy land and back to reality.

 

This is a risky gambit. Never threaten what you will not do.

 

Owls wife understood that her husband would survive. He did not wish her to go. He coolly expressed his position and she had to weigh the impact of spending a future with some one she had just written to against the man she had lived with.

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I think it would backfire though especially considering that she has now a booked flight to leave tomorrow.

She considers a few hundred bucks more important than her marriage?

 

Now would not be the time to do this.

Now is exactly the time to do it. If she is not prepared to cancel her plans at the last minute as the only last-ditch attempt to save her marriage then it says a lot about her. If your marriage is to work out then she must be prepared to do ANYTHING you ask of her. Cancelling a flight will be the least of her worries when you've finished laying down the rules.

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Imagine: Well.. I can't take that approach because she has already moved out and is living with this guy. So my window of opportunity never occured, she just left and I didn't know she was moving in with this guy.

 

PegNosePete: I just don't think that would work. I think she must go home to clear her head. She jumped from our marriage to this stupid relationship instantaneouslly. So.. she obviouslly needs alone time to think about why she did it and if it is worth continuing.

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She jumped from our marriage to this stupid relationship instantaneouslly.

So... she can damn well jump instantaneously back again. She's obviously capable.

Up to you dude... I think you're in denial, you're just scared of the outcome of an ultimatum and want her to make the decision for you.

Not trying to be mean here, just trying to help, I was just like you a few months ago!

 

EDIT: Damn, she's already living with the OM??!?!?! Seriously dude. Have some dignity. She's already made her decision then. Tell her to stay the F away from you and divorce her right now.

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PegNosePete: I am scared of the answer, you are right. The only reason I still have hope is because she is giving me it. She has not said one way or another.. but I just can't get past how things were and how they are now and I don't think she is fully over that either.

 

So this is it.. I would like to take your advice, but I think I will wait until she is back.. this could be really enlightening for her. I think the ultimatum now may ruin any small shred of a chance I have.

 

She know what she did is wrong and what continues to do, she has admitted it.. but is she willing to stop it, that's the question.

 

When she comes back I will give her a day or so and then will be hitting her with this question if she claims to still be confused and has not given me a direct answer... "So.. is it me or him?" If me, I will begin to work things out with her but if it is him.. I will tell her to rot in hell and to f*** herself. :)

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Sometimes the quickest way to get someone to realize what they have is to quit doing anything that shows you care. It often seems like the moment that it seems like you have moved on or are going on with your life, that is when they come back.

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Well.. I think I will wish her a safe flight and trip and then no contact until she returns next week. We'll see how that goes.

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Drop her like a hot rock fresh off the coals.

 

Forget her and get on with your life and get out there and find yourself who is more desrerving of you and the love, attentiveness that you have to offer someone.

 

Where in the blazing Hell did you ever get into your head that she was the one and only.

 

She's got FBS ~ "Flaky Bitch Syndrone"

 

If your into misery, pain, S&M? Then I say go for it!

 

If not? Drop her like she's yesterdays bad news!

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You log on here, post for advice, then explain why you can't take it. Don't you realize the people here speak from experience? I have not read one person here advocating divorce unless it was the best option for healing.

 

Your wife has already made her decision. You are a safety net. Listen to yellow shark, you are the option but she's the priority. A waste of life.

 

Know this;

 

-What you see as devotion she sees as weakness

-What you see as love she sees as neediness

-What you see as patience she sees as power over you.

 

By waiting and playing nice you are inflicting further damage to your relationship. The marriage was over when she took another man. I know you love her and that's normal; everyone feels that way friend. Take a good, honest and hard look at this situation and determine what you're getting out of it. A happy marriage involves two, happily married people.

 

Move away from this toxic situation and demand better for yourself.

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I know there are others out there, I just valued what we had so much that I can't just give up - even if she chose to. I keep getting signs and feelings from her that make it seem like she wants to come back just has not decided yet.

 

I know I should probably just say F*** You! and move on.. I am not quite ready for that yet.. but I understand that I am just hurting myself by sitting around and waiting. I am trying to live and hang out with friends and keep busy.. but the thoughts and worry continue.

 

I think I can stick it out for one more week and then something has got to change.

 

I am sure I look like a P**** to a lot of you. It is so hard to give up after almost a decade of sharing our lives.

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Steadfast: I appreciate your blatant honesty.. haha. I know I need to hear it! I am looking for advice from people on how to cope and get through this patch of time. It seems almost everyone thinks I should just give up. I think every situation is different though, I was hoping to get a little bit of encouragment I guess.. :p

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Honestly you have chosen to forgive her so this one week won't hurt Ultimatims I have found backfire about 98% of the time especially when there given to those already out the door. give her her time let her know you love her but dont be tryin to phone spy on her that means tell her good morning and good night and if she calls you answer and respond politly and dont push for anything until she returns then you need to find out her choice and you need to stick too it if its not you start devorce if it is you set grounds have a plan and let her know that you are now with her but if she starts anyting like it again you will be gone

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surfer,

 

seriously why would you wanna stay with someone who chose another man over you?

 

She's been living with him you say... and why would you wanna take her back?

 

Her boy friend of 1-2 months.. I would say that's what you know. I bet.. she was cheating behind your back for months or may be years and you dont know about it.

 

If she did it once she can and will do it again and again...

 

She does not love you, why would she leave you for another guy if she really loved you?

 

And NO, if you leave her it's not that you are giving up. She's not worthy to use the word give up. She's just another cheater equal to s***.

 

Just dump the b****, show you have dignity.

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