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Are there any genuine men out there?


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 14th November 2010, 9:07 AM   #1
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Are there any genuine men out there?

Hi all,

Actually I'm dead serious, I think I have finally taken as much as I can take! This is a bit long so if you take the tiime to read it I really appreciate it.

As some of you will know, but for those that don't, after spending nearly two years getting over my X of 20 years, who abandoned me without warning, I recently decided it was time for me to start dating.

I joined an online dating site, against my better judgement, my friends were telling it would be fine, just to be careful but there are genuine guys on these things. I'm mid 30's and don't get to meet many men my age due to being in college.

Anyway, I "meet" this guy, he seems nice, genuine, seems to be looking for a relationship and he asks me to text him. Intially I said no, that I was cautious due to being hurt in the past and I want to take things slowly. He excepts this, so then a few days later he asks if maybe we could text again. I text him. He seems ok, he's texting me every day, during the day a couple of times and in the evenings back and forth for a couple of hours. He's VERY filrty though and I am being cautious so I made it really clear I was not looking just for sex and I'm not that kind of women. He seems cool with that and my friends tell me to just enjoy the attention.

I was just starting to think about asking this guy to meet for coffee, then last night I was out with friends and I'd had a few to drink, we were texting and he sends a text that reveals what he is really after, sex. I ask him if he's kidding because that is not what I am looking for and I had told him that already. He replies, yes I'm kidding, I apologise, he then says "that's OK, better to ask than worry. Now take your clothes off and get into bed....x"

Seriously, I have a question for the men out there. Are any of you actually interested in an adult relationship based on respect and love or are all men just after one thing? I don't mean to be offensive asking this, but honestly I'm curious as to why a man would spend a week texting when he could just go to a bar and pull!?

My X hurt me really badly and I am trying so hard to be able to trust and not let what he did to me be transferred onto someone innocent, but I keep getting burned time and time again. I just feel like I should just stay away from other people all together, forget the idea of finding someone to share life with and just throw myself into work. and crying.
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Old 14th November 2010, 10:44 AM   #2
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Im actually starting to feel like this about women. Yes there is good guys out there.
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Old 14th November 2010, 10:54 AM   #3
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Yes, apparently there are, and good women apparently remember them.

Here's a clue...

They're proactive and interested in *you*, first and foremost, even if that interest is insubstantial at the moment, meaning not over the top. Interest grows with interaction and reciprocation and shared chemistry and, most of all, flesh pressing, meaning in-person contact.

So, as you confirmed with this potential, it's a numbers game. It's the same for men. Volumes of random meetings and potentials looking for a compatible match. Enjoy the journey.

Now, if you had a man who was interested in you and *not* 'sexting' you or making obvious and overt sexual remarks/moves right away, would you see him as genuine and, more importantly, be attracted to that behavioral 'style'? Part of the equation is you. Interact with more men and see how that goes. Good luck
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Old 14th November 2010, 10:54 AM   #4
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They are all genuine men. Its just that some of them are not worth knowing.
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Old 14th November 2010, 10:57 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by habs53 View Post
Im actually starting to feel like this about women. Yes there is good guys out there.
My advice Habs on the women front, is to choose one who views sex as part of a loving committed relationship and not one who sees it as a physical act and fun between two people who hardly know each other.

Just my opinion, of course, but I think those who view it as an expression of love are far less likely to offer up to someone outside the marriage and have affairs when things in the marriage get a bit tough.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that not all women equate sex with attention and affection but rather as something that is shared between a man and a women as an expression of exisiting respect and love. So, when your dating, look for someone who doesn't want to jump into bed with you for quite some time.
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:02 AM   #6
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Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Yes, apparently there are, and good women apparently remember them.

Here's a clue...

They're proactive and interested in *you*, first and foremost, even if that interest is insubstantial at the moment, meaning not over the top. Interest grows with interaction and reciprocation and shared chemistry and, most of all, flesh pressing, meaning in-person contact.

So, as you confirmed with this potential, it's a numbers game. It's the same for men. Volumes of random meetings and potentials looking for a compatible match. Enjoy the journey.

Now, if you had a man who was interested in you and *not* 'sexting' you or making obvious and overt sexual remarks/moves right away, would you see him as genuine and, more importantly, be attracted to that behavioral 'style'? Part of the equation is you. Interact with more men and see how that goes. Good luck
He wasn't being overtly sexual in his texts, filrty, but not overtly and he did take the time to talk about other things, even which oven he should buy! How a match he was competing in was going. Asked how my day was what I was studying. But you're right, his flirty manner was bugging me, I felt there needed to be much more enquiry into me as a person.
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:03 AM   #7
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Sex with someone your in love with?

Is a great way to start out the day ~ or?

To end the day?

But?

What are you going to do with each other the other 23-1/2 hours?

Personally? Me, myself and I?

I belive in so-called "Threesomes"

Me, her, and a MD!

For more reasons than just one.

I'm out of the child rearing and child support business ~ and have no intent, inclination, motivition, want, nor dersire to get back into it to begin with.

Then there's STD's

Long story short?

Love not worth dying for ~ especially for someone who could give a rat's azz about you other than your being just a piece of azz!
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:07 AM   #8
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Here's the clue, from someone you have never even met in person:

Quote:
He replies, yes I'm kidding, I apologise, he then says "that's OK, better to ask than worry. Now take your clothes off and get into bed....x"
Note that he didn't actually 'say' any of this, but merely typed it into a phone.


A genuinely good man asks you out on a date and flirts with you *in person* in a respectable manner, commensurate with your familiarity and perceived chemistry. If you're 'hitting it off', each party can be a little more forward and 'naughty'. It's a shared desire. If you're not feeling it, or have boundaries of propriety, those aspects should be respected.

Onward to the next potential
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:10 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Here's the clue, from someone you have never even met in person:

Note that he didn't actually 'say' any of this, but merely typed it into a phone.


A genuinely good man asks you out on a date and flirts with you *in person* in a respectable manner, commensurate with your familiarity and perceived chemistry. If you're 'hitting it off', each party can be a little more forward and 'naughty'. It's a shared desire. If you're not feeling it, or have boundaries of propriety, those aspects should be respected.

Onward to the next potential
Don't hold back Brother!

STAND UP AND TESTIFY!
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:17 AM   #10
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In a new relationship, those "love" feelings are chemical response. Whether or not genuine love is at play as well cannot be known for certain.

So a person who needs those feelings before having sex can be little more than a junkie seeking a high. Or not, but only time will tell.

And after some time goes by, the person who waited for that "love" feeling before having sex might experience a feeling of "not in love anymore" chemical response due to the decrease of those chemicals. Where as a person who didn't need that chemical feeling for sex but rather decided to have sex because they trusted the person and/or had some respect and admiration for them, chose that person based on real qualities that don't go away after the chemicals stop pumping.

That's why I think trust and respect outweighs that heavy "OMG I love you sooooo much" when it comes to deciding to have sex. Those feelings in sexual relations are a great combo, but they don't predict the person having them will be a solid choice for a life mate.
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:20 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Here's the clue, from someone you have never even met in person:

Note that he didn't actually 'say' any of this, but merely typed it into a phone.


A genuinely good man asks you out on a date and flirts with you *in person* in a respectable manner, commensurate with your familiarity and perceived chemistry. If you're 'hitting it off', each party can be a little more forward and 'naughty'. It's a shared desire. If you're not feeling it, or have boundaries of propriety, those aspects should be respected.

Onward to the next potential
Yes, but that one message was the last one he sent last night before I told him to never contact me again, the exchange went like this -

Him
"How many you had? Pity I'm not there cause I think you sound about ready HeHe"

Me
"OK, I'll ask you outright, because I am unsure if you're joking or not and I'm not that sort of girl, is that what you're looking for? I'm not."

Him
"I'm just kidding with you x"

Me
Something like
"OK, sorry, had to ask, bad experineces in the past, sorry to get heavy"

Him
"It's OK, better to ask than worry. Now just take your clothes off and get into bed.....x"

Me
"Please do not contact me again"

He hasn't. Before this, he was flirty but not overtly sexual.

I won't be moving onto the next, better to be single than keep being hurt, just look at the hurt souls on here, most people on here didn't have a marital breakdown and shared grieving, MC etc, they were just left and s**t on from a great height.

It was hard enough for me to put myself out there and open myself up to the risk of hurt as it was, after the X and another guy who hurt me badly earlier this year, now this. I'm done.
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:24 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sally4sara View Post
In a new relationship, those "love" feelings are chemical response. Whether or not genuine love is at play as well cannot be known for certain.

So a person who needs those feelings before having sex can be little more than a junkie seeking a high. Or not, but only time will tell.

And after some time goes by, the person who waited for that "love" feeling before having sex might experience a feeling of "not in love anymore" chemical response due to the decrease of those chemicals. Where as a person who didn't need that chemical feeling for sex but rather decided to have sex because they trusted the person and/or had some respect and admiration for them, chose that person based on real qualities that don't go away after the chemicals stop pumping.

That's why I think trust and respect outweighs that heavy "OMG I love you sooooo much" when it comes to deciding to have sex. Those feelings in sexual relations are a great combo, but they don't predict the person having them will be a solid choice for a life mate.
When I was describing love I was describing REAL love, trust, honesty, openness, emotional intimacy, respect, committment to staying with someone come what may ie marriage, much as you have described, not a chemical high.

Last edited by willowthewisp; 14th November 2010 at 11:26 AM..
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:31 AM   #13
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Try this, and I base this on my perception of past experiences of yours....

Don't communicate at any length or in any depth with a man who does not ask you out on a date or otherwise wishes to meet you in person. Get the in-person part together, if you otherwise have an ease of communication.

Also, I would reflect upon the content and meaning of this 'hurt'. We all have sensitivities and can be and are hurt; how that process happens is up to us. You can choose to take the man's actions as hurtful and you can also see him as a stranger whom you'll never know who flirted with you in a way unacceptable to you. You thought perhaps that he was a genuinely good man but it didn't turn out in a way which was healthy for you. *Accept it* It's OK. This is exactly how I processed the unsuccessful dates while I was separated. Note: I go out on *dates*; not type messages into phones. If those dates don't work out, and so far it's been pretty mutual in that regard, in that a couple of the ladies didn't want to see me again, I accept that. They're not bad people and I'm not a bad person. We just don't 'mesh'. This man just didn't mesh.

Up to you what you want to do about it. Nothing wrong with being single, for sure. Good luck
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:47 AM   #14
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Willow, genuine men do exist. I met mine online and he is one in a million.

Are you sure you're ready to start dating? Being able to trust men to some degree is really a prerequisite for the dating game. Obviously it will take time, and a good man, to enable you to trust again completely but I would be careful about getting out there while your wounds are still deep.

If you do feel ready, then I think Carhill has the right idea. It is a numbers game. You've only had this one interaction so far and he obviously isn't right for you. However, there are many more men out there and some of them are real gems.

When I did the online thing I chatted with a lot of guys, some of whom were clearly weirdos or jerks. Some, however, were very decent, genuine people. You just have to choose carefully.

Please don't give up, the world is full of genuine men, you just have to take a risk and go out and find them.
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Old 14th November 2010, 11:56 AM   #15
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The hurt comes from the fact that he deliberaltely spun me lines about honesty, integritiy and how he was looking for a serious relationship, rather than just being upfront and saying he was looking to get laid. I don't enjoy being decieved. What amazes me the most is that this guy is such a loser he has to trawl the internet hitting on women looking for a relationship, rather than just go to a bar and pull or use the "intimate encounter" section of the dating site I was on. WARPED is the word, that's why I am hurt. I couldn't actually care less about him as a person, never even met the guy.
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