Always regretful ...and Sorry.

[jasperlynx]

My wife and I of 15yrs with 2 small children are still living together, even though we are seperated. I still love her very much and wish that her decision to leave me did not happen. I live in the house 1st floor and have to see her and try not to crumble everytime I am in her presence. My hope that we get back together is becoming a distant dream for me.

the problem is ..I am hurt and cannot seem "happy" when im home. Therefore my wife gets angry for moping. "I dont fell sorry for you so"

" im sick and tired of looking at your angry face".

I am hurt and cant act to well..Its hard to live like this...but Im staying in hoping that we work things out.

She is not budging for now....and has told me its never going to work..(only when she is angry).

what do I do?

[HopelessinDTW]

My wife and I of 15yrs with 2 small children are still living together, even though we are seperated. I still love her very much and wish that her decision to leave me did not happen. I live in the house 1st floor and have to see her and try not to crumble everytime I am in her presence. My hope that we get back together is becoming a distant dream for me.

the problem is ..I am hurt and cannot seem "happy" when im home. Therefore my wife gets angry for moping. "I dont fell sorry for you so"

" im sick and tired of looking at your angry face".

I am hurt and cant act to well..Its hard to live like this...but Im staying in hoping that we work things out.

She is not budging for now....and has told me its never going to work..(only when she is angry).

what do I do?

 

Have you at all considered marriage counceling for you both? Is there more to this story than what you are saying...what lead to her decisions? What is the source of the anger? We really need more information if you want specific advice.

[tank]

Jasper, please provide more details on your situation. in the mean time, focus on yourself and your children. if you cant be happy around the house, you need to learn how to fake it. Kill her with kindness and fake a smile. My IC told me to think about every situation and find a positive in it. Its hard to do, but if you constantly look for that one positive thing eventually it wont be too tough to smile.

[iheartboobs]

One of you needs to get the hell out of the house. There's no way you're ever going to get better if you're in the same house... seeing her hurts you and makes you sad, seeing you sad annoys her and just pushes her away, which makes you sadder, which pushes her further away, etc. It's a downward spiral that will end in divorce if you don't break the cycle.

 

Then you need to take the time to calm down, talk to someone, and really decide if you want this woman back. I know that right now it's a no-brainer because you want her more than you want your next breath, but you need to examine the reasons for the separation and see if you believe you and your wife can be conpatable and happy together.

 

Whatever you eventually decide, you need to get out of the house right now. Get an appartment for a few months. Work out, improve yourself, and don't initiate contact with your wife unless it's about the kids (and don't use them as an excuse to initiate contact). When you see her, don't be all sad and mopey, be sure and confident... how do you expect her to react to you being a depressed shell of a man all the time? It's not attractive. Even if you feel dead inside you have to project happiness and confidence.

 

You've got to be the Soviet Union of your marriage. They scared the **** out of us for 50 years because they were strong and crazy... then the wall came down and it turned out it was all an act, they were actually weak and scared. That's you. Yeah, your wife probably holds all the cards and yeah, you're scared to death... but if she thinks you're holding a winning hand and she thinks you're fearless then you might as well be.

 

Whether you decide you want to fight for your marriage or not, you have to do these things. Worse case scenario: you don't get your wife back but at least she respects you as a man... which is more than you've got now.

 

So, if you decide you want her back, you need to ask yourself: what does your wife want in a husband? Does she want a sad little boy or an upbeat cheerful man? Does she want insecurity or confidence? Does she want weakness or strength? The answers are obvious, so why are you doing the opposite? Women are attracted to men who want them, but not to men who need them... there is a difference.

 

Show your wife you don't need her, but that you can be perfectly happy without her. Once she sees you as a strong independent man again, then you can try to bring up working on your marriage (do not bring it up before)... the way you are now, she's going to see any attempt by you to fix the marriage as begging for something you need, you need to be seen as fighting for something you want. You tell me, which of those do you think will be more likely to attract your wife?

Edited November 11, 2010 by iheartboobs

[jasperlynx]

thank you ...so much for your input ..wow your right. Instead of me expecting to feel sorry for me...another approach is neccesary.

[jasperlynx]

Sorry cant afford to live seperate. Unless we divorce.

[jasperlynx]

thank you i cannot move out but will be strong at home. ACT!!!!!

[iheartboobs]

You don't have friends or family you could crash with? Nothing?

 

I highly recomend you move out, if for no other reason than because it's going to be hard to pretend to be happy 24/7, and damn-near impossible to actually heal enough to be happy if she's always around. It also shows that you are independent, and committed to moving on with or without her (which shows her you don't need her).

 

This is important. If you could simply tell your wife "hey, I'm happy and confident and I don't need you" then this would be a piece of cake... but you can't, you have to show her and let her come to that conclusion herself.

 

Hell man, moving out is the most important part of the plan... without that it all falls apart. You need to give yourself time to heal, you need to give her time to forget why she doesn't want you, you need to give her time to miss you, and that's never going to happen when you're seeing each other every day.

 

I can not stress enough how important it is that you get out of the house. You need that space to get some perspective. You need that space to focus on you. You need her to miss you so she can remember why she loved you and not be constantly reminded of why she's so mad. You need her to know that you're serious, that you're taking this seriously, and that you're willing to do what it takes to move on with your life.

 

Do you really think she's going to believe you're prepared to move on with or without her when you're camped out on the couch? Does that project strength, confidence, or independence to you? No. It undermines everything you're trying to accomplish.

[GorillaTheater]

if you cant be happy around the house, you need to learn how to fake it. Kill her with kindness and fake a smile. My IC told me to think about every situation and find a positive in it. Its hard to do, but if you constantly look for that one positive thing eventually it wont be too tough to smile.

 

This. Never let 'em see you sweat, and fake it if you have to. Go out there and get a life. Get dressed up and leave for the evening, even if you don't have anything lined up. Don't lie to her, simply say "out" when she asks where you're going. Don't be rude, just treat her like a business associate.

 

Gotta disagree with "Iheartboobs". Never give up your house (or your bed) until a separation agreement is in place or until you're ordered to by the court. You leave, you may never get back in, and it might effect child custody as well. Your attitude should be "I'm fine, but if you don't like it, there's the door."

[iheartboobs]

Gotta disagree with "Iheartboobs". Never give up your house (or your bed) until a separation agreement is in place or until you're ordered to by the court. You leave, you may never get back in, and it might effect child custody as well. Your attitude should be "I'm fine, but if you don't like it, there's the door."

 

Sometimes you've got to lose a battle to win the war. I'd agree with telling her to hit the road if they were definetely moving towards divorce, but he wants his wife back.

 

She's not going to forget why she's so mad when he's right there reminding her every day, and she's not going to miss him if he's downstairs. He's not going to be able to focus on himself and step back from the marriage enough to get perspective when he has to deal with her all the time. Getting some personal space is essential for both of them. Wounds need time to heal without being constantly torn open again.

 

Some space and time away is essential. I think he needs to be the one to suggest it in order to look more in control of the situation, and I don't think telling her to pack her **** and leave is going to earn him any points.

[GorillaTheater]

I'm looking at this from two perspectives. The first is legal. He may not want a divorce, but that's not going to matter if his wife decides she does. He should at an absolute minimum talk to an attorney before moving out to see what the ramifications may be. That's just smart business.

 

The other perspective is valuing himself. Because she sure as sh*t isn't going to value him if he doesn't value himself. That doesn't mean being a dick, but it does include saying "you know, I don't want to move out. I like living in this house, so I'm staying." He's not telling her to move out, he's making it clear that she can choose to or not, and he can handle either.

[iheartboobs]

The legal standpoint I get, but if he wants his wife back, the marriage must healed. For that to happen, I believe (for multiple reasons), that one of them has to leave. To put his wife in the correct mind set, I believe he has to be the one to suggest it.

 

Now, if he can suggest that one of them move out, and can convince an angry, wounded woman that it should be her without pushing her further away, then he is, in fact, a god, and should be worshiped as such.

[GorillaTheater]

I can see your point; there is something to getting her to miss him (or at least giving her the opportunity to miss him), and while it's not impossible to accomplish that if they're living in the same place, I'm sure it's alot tougher. That said, I still don't think this guy should move out if he doesn't want to. He needs to look out for his own interests, because his wife isn't going to.

 

But he should get a Separation Agreement hammered out first, just so he doesn't get hammered in any eventual divorce.

[2sunny]

there is nothing attractive about a man feeling sad and sorry for himself.

 

you will never be attractive to anyone that way - not even yourself.

 

get out. go out and stay busy. find a hobby, take a class or work out at the gym. anything to get your mind off of your sorrows.

 

once you get busy - you will start to feel a little lighter - if you can volunteer and start DOING for others - that is when you will really start to feel a million times better.

 

so, the idea is to take the focus off of yourself - get busy getting out of self!!!

[GorillaTheater]

I can see your point; there is something to getting her to miss him (or at least giving her the opportunity to miss him), and while it's not impossible to accomplish that if they're living in the same place, I'm sure it's alot tougher. That said, I still don't think this guy should move out if he doesn't want to. He needs to look out for his own interests, because his wife isn't going to.

 

But he should get a Separation Agreement hammered out first, just so he doesn't get hammered in any eventual divorce.

 

I may have conceded too soon. The OP said last month that his wife has had a drinking problem for the past 10 years. Jasper, do you trust your wife to take care of the kids if you're out of the house?

[iheartboobs]

I may have conceded too soon. The OP said last month that his wife has had a drinking problem for the past 10 years. Jasper, do you trust your wife to take care of the kids if you're out of the house?

 

Whoa... if there's a substance abuse problem then that's something completely different.

 

If your wife can't be trusted with the kids, and you can't take them full time for whatever reason, you are going to have to stay in the house. It will make reconciliation more difficult and maybe even impossible, but your kids are more important than your marriage.

[shmuelik]

This. Never let 'em see you sweat, and fake it if you have to. Go out there and get a life. Get dressed up and leave for the evening, even if you don't have anything lined up. Don't lie to her, simply say "out" when she asks where you're going. Don't be rude, just treat her like a business associate.

 

Gotta disagree with "Iheartboobs". Never give up your house (or your bed) until a separation agreement is in place or until you're ordered to by the court. You leave, you may never get back in, and it might effect child custody as well. Your attitude should be "I'm fine, but if you don't like it, there's the door."

 

GorillaTheater, I agree.

 

jasperlynx please, please don't listen to the comments of getting out of the house etc. As soon as you do that the next step might be divorce. Its almost a prerequisite. If you don't want divorce lets work on the issues and figure a couple things out.

 

I have a question Iheartboobs. Are you married?

 

jasperlynx it seems there is a deep crack between you and your wife.

Can you tell us more about your situation? She seems so upset. What do you think it is? What does she hold against you?

Once we figure that out then we know how to move forward.

Btw, its amazing that you still love her. I think there is a good chance of getting this thing rolling.

[You Go Girl]

Be careful of 'out of sight, out of mind'. especially with a woman who is numbing you out with alcohol and tuning you out whenever possible.

Don't move!

Do get out and do things.

Do spend quality time with your kids.

If she slacks on the holiday stuff, pick up the slack and trim the tree with the kids and do things with them.

[iheartboobs]

I have a question Iheartboobs. Are you married?

 

I was.

 

We had problems, but we kept living together anyway, the problems got worse, but we kept living together, the problems got so bad we couldn't stand to be around each other, but we just kept living together, after a year the problems got to the point where my wife couldn't take it anymore and she left. 2 months later we were still separated, but could stand each other's company, a month after that we were doing things together for our daughter, a month after that we were regularly going to dinner or movies together and getting together just to watch TV or whatever. 6 months after she left we both decided to give the marriage another try.

 

Of course, in my case, the wife had started a friendship with another man during the year we hated each other, which became something else a few months after she left... it pretty well undermined our attempt to give the relationship another go, and, when I found out about it, I told the ex I was uninterested in being with her anymore.

 

The point is: we spent a year trying to make things work while living together and all it did was push us further apart, but after she left the wounds started to heal immediately... if one of us had left that first month instead of waiting and stacking a whole year's worth of hate and bad memories on top of our problems, I'm confident we could have worked things out in a couple of weeks.

[goingstrong]

Taking us back from the thread jacking, I have read most of the posts from jasperlynx, and it is a real interesting read. The OP is very obviously a low self esteem, passive husband with a verbally and physically abusive, domineering, alcoholic wife.

 

Now JL, you apparently have read a lot of the posts here and I have a question to ask. If the roles were reversed, and you were the alcoholic abusive husband..etc. then what do you think the majority of the posters here would tell you?

 

1. Give her an ultimatum and quit being a doormat. ie.... quit drinking and work on our marriage or you walk.

2. Do the 180.

3. Move on if she doesn't change

 

Keep this in mind with the drinking and everything else about her behavior. You cannot change her, you can only change the way you react to her, which may/may not make her change herself. That is what the 180 is all about.

[jasperlynx]

Thank you for replies, Im staying for now. In my state (?.?.) If one of the spouses moves out prior to seperation agreement of any kind. I chance never being able to never come back. I did consult with an attorney and he said stay put. It is just as simple to leave and be completely independent and still have to pay a rent and the mortage of the house or stay ...be happy and stay out of her hair. I have been very very nice, happy, never never moping or in the least had that look of desperation. Is has worked for me. We are getting along much better now. Not to say we are back together at all, but we are getting along well. Lets just say the tension is much less. I hold my head up high and speak with conviction.

Most importantly (TO ME) im not asking about the future or our relationship. Im just riding the wave...................day to day. I do not have any family and very minimal friends. This is my family and intend to give it everything I got to keep us together...until all else fails.

[iheartboobs]

All right, man. I'm glad that even though you're staying put you're still making progress. I couldn't do it, but if you can, way to go. Keep it up.

[blizzard]

Thank you for replies, Im staying for now. In my state (?.?.) If one of the spouses moves out prior to seperation agreement of any kind. I chance never being able to never come back. I did consult with an attorney and he said stay put. It is just as simple to leave and be completely independent and still have to pay a rent and the mortage of the house or stay ...be happy and stay out of her hair. I have been very very nice, happy, never never moping or in the least had that look of desperation. Is has worked for me. We are getting along much better now. Not to say we are back together at all, but we are getting along well. Lets just say the tension is much less. I hold my head up high and speak with conviction.

Most importantly (TO ME) im not asking about the future or our relationship. Im just riding the wave...................day to day. I do not have any family and very minimal friends. This is my family and intend to give it everything I got to keep us together...until all else fails.

 

I understand. I am going through your situation. Seperation agreements take money. Divorce takes money. We don't have money. Our MC suggested we live apart if we want to make it work...but our attorneys say different. Our financial situation says we can't. We have kids too. It's not healthy seeing us not "love" one another and sleeping on seperate sides of the house. But, divorce isn't healthy either. Living together causes a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I am angry at him and some days we can be friends. Most of the time we are just down right plutonic though sharing just the daily lives of our kids. I don't know what the answer is. Much like you...we both are riding it out. There isn't much chance for reconcilation so we remain to get through holidays, birthdays...you name it. He wants to still see us as a family. But he won't get counseling. He really needs IC...but instead is trying to change in his own way. Me? I am in IC working on me trying to figure out why our marriage failed, learning how to let go, and that I am going to be okay. And most importantly to stop blaming myself.

 

And living together just plain hurts. It's like pulling a bandaid off slowly.

Edited November 22, 2010 by blizzard