It was officially over today

[You Go Girl]

His pride and ego, my anger and judgment. There's just no blaming one over the other.

And that's my first words to those with hope to save their marriage. Do not, under any circumstances, blame your partner more than yourself. It will just drag out your recovery process, or halt it altogether. A very common mistake on LS, I did it too, multiple times, and half the story is just that.

 

I even tried the 11:00 last effort last night via email. The response was written to shut me down. Oh well, I am humble, I can take it. I loved, I lost. Fear had come over me at the 11:00 hour that since we had loved each other, anything should be able to be fixed, and wasn't. He coldly replied that today was just technical.

 

Today I turned and called him to look at me as I was leaving the courthouse. I thanked him for the good times. I hugged him, and said take care in a whisper. I'm a warm person, even in adversity. I can also be downright cruel when I am frustrated. Something I'm working on.

 

To the man I never understood, nor did you want to be fully understood--

I know some actions of mine were one-sided and judgmental. My head is clear, finally. The bull-headedness on both our parts was incredible.

 

It was hard to stand there in front of the judge and say that there was no possibility of reconciliation. That's the line that gets you in divorce court.

I don't know how to not hope. But I had lost my hope months earlier when I had left him. The finality of it all, to say it was just technical today was untrue. I could see his eyes were red, I could smell the alcohol. Like I wrote above, there's the pride and ego. And me writing about it I suppose is the judgmental old me. Some things never change.

 

So it's time to reinvent myself. I have a blank canvas, albeit an aged one. I have a few hopes and dreams left.

[shayan]

wow, very powerful message. I must agree there are often mutual reasons why things end, and we must acknowledge what we did wrong.

 

your canvas might be aged, but it is elegant.

 

good luck with your mourning and recovery... just keep moving forward.

[lee777]

Pride is the devils tool for stealing happiness.

[NoneTheWiser]

You Go Girl

 

I have read many of your post on this forum and the advice you provide can only come from someone who is a loving and caring person as demonstrated by your last minute attempt at working on your marriage. It has been said that whatever doesn’t kill us can only make us stronger. Take this past chapter in your life, gain strength from it and go paint a new and beautiful masterpiece on your blank canvas.

 

May God Bless You

[tobydog]

Take care, I feel for you and am dreading that day too. x

[trippi1432]

His pride and ego, my anger and judgment. There's just no blaming one over the other.

And that's my first words to those with hope to save their marriage. Do not, under any circumstances, blame your partner more than yourself. It will just drag out your recovery process, or halt it altogether. A very common mistake on LS, I did it too, multiple times, and half the story is just that.

 

I even tried the 11:00 last effort last night via email. The response was written to shut me down. Oh well, I am humble, I can take it. I loved, I lost. Fear had come over me at the 11:00 hour that since we had loved each other, anything should be able to be fixed, and wasn't. He coldly replied that today was just technical.

 

Today I turned and called him to look at me as I was leaving the courthouse. I thanked him for the good times. I hugged him, and said take care in a whisper. I'm a warm person, even in adversity. I can also be downright cruel when I am frustrated. Something I'm working on.

 

To the man I never understood, nor did you want to be fully understood--

I know some actions of mine were one-sided and judgmental. My head is clear, finally. The bull-headedness on both our parts was incredible.

 

It was hard to stand there in front of the judge and say that there was no possibility of reconciliation. That's the line that gets you in divorce court.

I don't know how to not hope. But I had lost my hope months earlier when I had left him. The finality of it all, to say it was just technical today was untrue. I could see his eyes were red, I could smell the alcohol. Like I wrote above, there's the pride and ego. And me writing about it I suppose is the judgmental old me. Some things never change.

 

So it's time to reinvent myself. I have a blank canvas, albeit an aged one. I have a few hopes and dreams left.

 

Hugs YGG - Keep your head up.

 

"His pride and ego, my anger and judgment. There's just no blaming one over the other. " That goes both ways...it even becomes a trade off in a way when dealing with addictions. One minute it's your pride and ego and his anger and judgment...like a cycle. In some cases...there is just no way to break the cycle because to get to acceptance is to fold and let the addiction win.

 

A blank canvas is always a good place to start...

[Lois]

Good luck, I wish you well.

 

One day at a time.

[heartbrokensj]

YGG,

 

I feel your pain. It take a strong person such as yourself to see outside your situation and reflect as you have...This just goes to show that all this pain and emotion you are feeling at this time, shall pass, someday...If you take all the places where you felt angry and replace with the word, sadness, that is a portrayal of my broken marriage.

 

Hang in there, friend...I, too, dread this day coming. The fact that you gave him a hug and thanked him for the good times, shows the depth of your character and not the mistakes you made with him in the past.

 

Reflecting and discerning on your past actions and making peace with the past is what will make your future that much brighter and full of promise for new beginnings and better days ahead!

[You Go Girl]

Thank-you all for the supportive words, they meant a lot to me to read them this morning.

I realize I have used LS as a place too often to vent my frustrations. The wrong in that is that it accomplishes nothing, but sometimes gets pats on the back from people who know little of the full truth of the matter.

I contributed as much to the drama as he did. Alcoholism is crazytown. I responded with--oh, you're gonna show me crazytown? WATCH THIS! I can one up that!

 

It was extremely destructive. The divorce was the full wake up call for me. I am done trying to hurt him. I am done with drama. I am done with reactionary impulses and the madness.

Tonight I am going back to al-anon, and in the meeting I will confess just how much I contributed to the absolute sickening destruction of our love for each other. I will go every single night of the week if that's what I need to screw my head on straight.

We were on a path to find new and more destructive ways to hurt each other. I am done with all of that. I think the divorce was the absolute final blow to hurt each other. There are no ways to hurt each other left, outside of killing each other.

 

No matter what my future holds, it is going to be a success story.

 

Thank-you Trippi, you understand because you understand the addictive cycle. I'm taking my situation to the professionals now, where it should have been all along.

 

 

Hugs YGG - Keep your head up.

 

"His pride and ego, my anger and judgment. There's just no blaming one over the other. " That goes both ways...it even becomes a trade off in a way when dealing with addictions. One minute it's your pride and ego and his anger and judgment...like a cycle. In some cases...there is just no way to break the cycle because to get to acceptance is to fold and let the addiction win.

 

A blank canvas is always a good place to start...

 

Can you elaborate and spell that bolded line out for me Trippi? I kinda get it, but not quite.

[worlybear]

Many,many hugs YGG.:bunny:

I wish you peace and happiness in your life- you are a good person and you deserve it.

[habs53]

Gob bless you and your ex You go. You seem like a great person and im sure he is as well. Maybe in another life you will find each other again and do it right this time.

[What_Next]

YGG, your post almost brought me to tears. You at least have the knowledge that you did give it all you had.

[trippi1432]

I think I can elaborate some on that, at least from the perspective of my marriage and dealing with the alcoholism....not all experiences are the same.

 

I've noted those that came to acceptance of their spouses addictive behaviors in many different ways...some by following the path of "can't beat 'em, join 'em"...to guilt....to anger...to becoming submissive to the addiction. My own experience, I walked the path of not being an enabler...however, I probably should have continued In Al-Anon so as not to have lost myself and my own happiness...in not doing that, I gave In to a form of acceptance that this was not going to change.

 

In that regard, I folded...I folded on the one person who I should have put first....me. I forgot that YGG. My first Al-Anon meeting after my ex left, they asked that question....who are you going to put first, I said the kids. To me, that was the answer because I thought I was protecting them somehow. Hindsight being 20/20, I wasn't....but given the alternative of me not being able to "control" the situation if my ex had our son and was drinking had I left him...I felt I was. The slippery slope is the perception of control when dealing with an alcoholic...no one Is in control, the alcohol is.

 

I know that you cannot love a person back to sobriety...it is something they have to want to do for themselves...not you or anyone else. Take this path for you as healing....crazytown leads to anger, resentment and guilt....I know, I felt all of those too.

 

Believe actions as results and not promises. The actions of recovery speak volumes and lead to a healthy acceptance....believing the words of an alcoholic without action lead to acceptance which causes you to fold....that was where I err'd. Each of us deals with these circumstances in our own way....lashing out, anger, resentment to giving up. On the other side, and without realizing it even, you have become the enabler. It was with that realization that I came to understand why Al-Anon states to put yourself first.

 

Not sure if that all makes sense, but comes from my own circumstances....possibly TMI....but it actually feels good to get It out sometimes too. If you need to talk, you know where to find me...I think I may check out that site you referenced as well...hugs and keep your head up.

 

Thank-you all for the supportive words, they meant a lot to me to read them this morning.

I realize I have used LS as a place too often to vent my frustrations. The wrong in that is that it accomplishes nothing, but sometimes gets pats on the back from people who know little of the full truth of the matter.

I contributed as much to the drama as he did. Alcoholism is crazytown. I responded with--oh, you're gonna show me crazytown? WATCH THIS! I can one up that!

 

It was extremely destructive. The divorce was the full wake up call for me. I am done trying to hurt him. I am done with drama. I am done with reactionary impulses and the madness.

Tonight I am going back to al-anon, and in the meeting I will confess just how much I contributed to the absolute sickening destruction of our love for each other. I will go every single night of the week if that's what I need to screw my head on straight.

We were on a path to find new and more destructive ways to hurt each other. I am done with all of that. I think the divorce was the absolute final blow to hurt each other. There are no ways to hurt each other left, outside of killing each other.

 

No matter what my future holds, it is going to be a success story.

 

Thank-you Trippi, you understand because you understand the addictive cycle. I'm taking my situation to the professionals now, where it should have been all along.

 

 

 

 

Can you elaborate and spell that bolded line out for me Trippi? I kinda get it, but not quite.

[LittleTiger]

What a lovely post YGG, and so encouraging for those who have yet to face that day.

 

When you watch the last drops of your marriage disappear down the plughole it is so painful. I remember it only too well.

 

You are are obviously looking at your loss in a very positive way and, remarkably, without bitterness. So few people are able to achieve that.

 

I too did the 11th hour thing though I'm not sure why. I knew the marriage was over and had no desire to go back, but I still asked my almost ex if he was sure too. I guess some of us have to be 100% positive that we've covered all bases before finally turning our backs.

 

Time to more forward YGG, and I hope that blank canvas (which by the way is a long way from aged ) gets filled with a beautiful life.

 

(((Hugs)))

[Steadfast]

Gunny once said the benefit of self-evaluation is positive enlightenment. I see that in you sweetie. You are a dear friend and have so much to offer. You did your part, you learned. Now it's time to look forward. You'll make it.

 

=)

[The-Zen-Warrior]

You Go Girl :

 

Once again you have demonstrated to me your awesome "brutal delivery system", this time rather than delivering to someone here on L.S., by trying to help them, even if meant "rattling cages", you have done us all the most valued honor, you have brought forth your brutal honesty about your own situation.

 

I have nothing but the utmost respect for you Y.G.G., really I do. You were one of the first people to chime in when I first arrived here. You honored me enough to ask me some pretty tough questions in one of your counter posts to me. You made me think, you gave me a little insight and sometimes you "brutally" game me hope.

 

Now please, let me give back to you what you've so freely given to me, take my advise.

 

Lay down your tired head and just rest, close your eye's and try to relax! Try and deep breath away the events of the day, on the exhale imagine your body getting lighter and less stressed. On the inhale use your imagination or minds eye and imagine the good energy of the universe coming into you, helping you relax, to rest and heal.

 

Maybe I should practice what I'm preaching, for after reading your post, I will be honest, I'm not ashamed to admit it, I was crying!........Where the heck is my tissue?

 

All kidding aside, take good care of you, try to rest, stay clam, and relax! I recommend sometime soon you get out and do something fun, just for yourself.

 

Take care.....

[You Go Girl]

Thank-you everyone, so very much. I may not thank you all personally, but I have paid close attention to each and every response.

I spent the last 5 days unable to eat, shower, or anything else. I composed myself enough to make it to the courthouse and back, and that was it.

I think I have lost 15 lbs. I also think I can't afford to lose 15 more. My butt hurts when I sit on chairs now!

The mound of tissues next to my computer is growing into a mountain.

The dishes are piled in the sink, mostly coffee mugs, because when you don't eat, well, there's few dirty dishes. Oh, and I'm running out of clean undies.

I did things to make this divorce happen, and wish I had gone about it a different way, and somehow made the point that things needed to change without being destructive. But my grief is severe, and for what could have been. Hopefully I will start pulling myself together soon.

So thank you all for your kind words, because they really mean something when a person is hurting.

Edited November 3, 2010 by You Go Girl

[Too Much]

Thank-you everyone, so very much. I may not thank you all personally, but I have paid close attention to each and every response.

I spent the last 5 days unable to eat, shower, or anything else. I composed myself enough to make it to the courthouse and back, and that was it.

I think I have lost 15 lbs. I also think I can't afford to lose 15 more. My butt hurts when I sit on chairs now!

The mound of tissues next to my computer is growing into a mountain.

The dishes are piled in the sink, mostly coffee mugs, because when you don't eat, well, there's few dirty dishes. Oh, and I'm running out of clean undies.

I did things to make this divorce happen, and wish I had gone about it a different way, and somehow made the point that things needed to change without being destructive. But my grief is severe, and for what could have been. Hopefully I will start pulling myself together soon.

So thank you all for your kind words, because they really mean something when a person is hurting.

 

YGG, I am heading down the path of a failed marriage, and your post really hits home. I wish all ex's held onto some part of a failed marriage like you do. I wonder if your ex feels the same way? I've always been told, once the divorce is under way, the other spouse "detaches" and starts down a path of focusing on life without you. Your post helps me remember this is not always the case.

[willowthewisp]

YGG, I am heading down the path of a failed marriage, and your post really hits home. I wish all ex's held onto some part of a failed marriage like you do. I wonder if your ex feels the same way? I've always been told, once the divorce is under way, the other spouse "detaches" and starts down a path of focusing on life without you. Your post helps me remember this is not always the case.

 

Not always, but sadly often. Some x's (mine included) really do beleive they played no part in any of it and the spouse they left are totally to blame. In my case my counseller tells me he is in denial of his issues, but in many cases it really is just pure narricism, makes me wonder what the world is coming to?

 

Good to see you owning your part in this YGG, but remember to, he had an addiction and you reacted, you would have tried even after the seperation if he had tried also, yes?

 

PS sorry about my spelling this evening, tired!

[The-Zen-Warrior]

Some x's (mine included) really do beleive they played no part in any of it and the spouse they left are totally to blame.

 

I think this may be on those "universal riddles" as to why a departing spouse rejects and dismissed any blame, all the while they were doing their part, be it cheating, affairs, stealing, lying, abuse, drugs, alcohol, ect. ect. ect.

 

Why is it the departing spouse plays either an "innocence" or plays "dumb" or down right acts like a "sociopath"! I don't have the answer to this one!

 

Inquiring minds want to know......

Edited November 4, 2010 by The-Zen-Warrior

[trippi1432]

Thank-you everyone, so very much. I may not thank you all personally, but I have paid close attention to each and every response.

I spent the last 5 days unable to eat, shower, or anything else. I composed myself enough to make it to the courthouse and back, and that was it.

I think I have lost 15 lbs. I also think I can't afford to lose 15 more. My butt hurts when I sit on chairs now!

The mound of tissues next to my computer is growing into a mountain.

The dishes are piled in the sink, mostly coffee mugs, because when you don't eat, well, there's few dirty dishes. Oh, and I'm running out of clean undies.

I did things to make this divorce happen, and wish I had gone about it a different way, and somehow made the point that things needed to change without being destructive. But my grief is severe, and for what could have been. Hopefully I will start pulling myself together soon.

So thank you all for your kind words, because they really mean something when a person is hurting.

 

You will YGG..you will pull yourself together as I have seen with every post....being strong is not a weakness...nor is loving someone in spite of theirs. You may be at that point where you feel you did things to make this happen, but so did he....all you should know is that you both didn't get here by yourselves. You have the right attitude...work on you to understand, but be cognizant of the fact that it is okay to work on you without him. That's learning what you need and need to be without losing yourself. What he learns, well, it's up to him.

 

Thank you for your posts to me...you helped me in many ways. Hugs.

[You Go Girl]

YGG, I am heading down the path of a failed marriage, and your post really hits home. I wish all ex's held onto some part of a failed marriage like you do. I wonder if your ex feels the same way? I've always been told, once the divorce is under way, the other spouse "detaches" and starts down a path of focusing on life without you. Your post helps me remember this is not always the case.

 

Hello toomuch,

I don't know about other people. I know I let go much easier in my first marriage. That marriage was far less intimate/romantic, etc., so it was much easier.

 

Good to see you owning your part in this YGG, but remember to, he had an addiction and you reacted, you would have tried even after the seperation if he had tried also, yes?

See update at bottom of my quotes willow...

 

Why is it the departing spouse plays either an "innocence" or plays "dumb" or down right acts like a "sociopath"! I don't have the answer to this one!

 

...

Departing spouse (me in this case) was sociopathic (out of those three choices) because of anger.

 

You will YGG..you will pull yourself together as I have seen with every post....being strong is not a weakness...nor is loving someone in spite of theirs. You may be at that point where you feel you did things to make this happen, but so did he....all you should know is that you both didn't get here by yourselves. You have the right attitude...work on you to understand, but be cognizant of the fact that it is okay to work on you without him. That's learning what you need and need to be without losing yourself. What he learns, well, it's up to him.

 

Thank you for your posts to me...you helped me in many ways. Hugs.

Thanks as always, trippi. I'll answer your pm later.

 

Well everyone, thanks so much. I did pull myself together (a friend nagged me to get off my rear) and went out yesterday, did my laundry, dishes, took a shower, etc. I feel a lot more like myself.

Everybody grieves differently. I chose to have it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Update: Me and the now ex are going to an AA/Al-anon meeting together then for a bite next week. Olive branch type of thing.

I don't know what to expect after the meeting. I'm scared to put it simply.

 

During the meeting--well although I don't agree with everything these groups abide by and believe, I know they are good for one thing more than anything else--humbling a person when they need it.

That goes for both of us.

So--

[Too Much]

Hello toomuch,

I don't know about other people. I know I let go much easier in my first marriage. That marriage was far less intimate/romantic, etc., so it was much easier.

 

 

See update at bottom of my quotes willow...

 

 

Departing spouse (me in this case) was sociopathic (out of those three choices) because of anger.

 

 

Thanks as always, trippi. I'll answer your pm later.

 

Well everyone, thanks so much. I did pull myself together (a friend nagged me to get off my rear) and went out yesterday, did my laundry, dishes, took a shower, etc. I feel a lot more like myself.

Everybody grieves differently. I chose to have it hit me like a ton of bricks.

 

Update: Me and the now ex are going to an AA/Al-anon meeting together then for a bite next week. Olive branch type of thing.

I don't know what to expect after the meeting. I'm scared to put it simply.

 

During the meeting--well although I don't agree with everything these groups abide by and believe, I know they are good for one thing more than anything else--humbling a person when they need it.

That goes for both of us.

So--

 

YGG, who initiated the idea to go to AA together and to grab a bite to eat?

 

Did you find that going through a divorce the first time prepared you in any way or made it easier the second time? How long did it take to get over your first H? Did it make a difference who initiated the divorce?

[You Go Girl]

YGG, who initiated the idea to go to AA together and to grab a bite to eat?

 

At first I offered up a coffee date. He then came back with the AA and dinner idea which I accepted.

 

Did you find that going through a divorce the first time prepared you in any way or made it easier the second time? How long did it take to get over your first H? Did it make a difference who initiated the divorce?

 

Absolutely not. The 2nd divorce was harder than the first. It does not get easier, because I believe as we mature, we love deeper, and invest more of ourselves, not less.

I hate to say I am divorced twice, it's a nightmarish thing to have to say.

 

The first did not prepare me in anyway that I can think of.

Getting over my first...well that was a very long relationship. I grieved in stages, most of it during the first couple years. The last thing to let go of was driving by the house I loved. I did that a month ago. So, it's up to you when you face grief how quickly you deal with it. Going by the old house ended up being unemotional. I just looked at all the changes and said to myself, huh, look at that, it's somebody else's house now. And that ended that.

 

Without going into too much detail, the two situations had nothing in common but me, so there's no comparing them except to see if I made repetitive errors.

[tojaz]

YGG my apologies, I have sat down to write a response to this thread on many occasions just to be pulled away repeatedly.

 

I feel for what your going through, and honestly have to applaud the way you have handled it. Throughout your journey, which as you know is far from over, you have conducted yourself with much grace and dignity, but also humility where appropriate. In other words, despite being thrashed about, battered and bruised, you have kept your integrity!

 

Yes, you both had your parts to play, and you played them, but those parts are not static, but entwined within the circumstances. Anger, yeah probably, but did you have a right to be, With an alcoholic husband? Of course you did. Judgemental? Well, to be honest, in any given day, everyone is judged and everyone does some judging, its the way life works and doesn't become negative until one is labeled as "Judgemental", some times a person is, and sometimes the person being judged is just flat out guilty! Judge, jury, or man on the street doesn't change that fact.

 

Your smart YGG, and you have perspective enough to see things from many different sides, and yes you are reinventing yourself after all you have learned, and with him extending the olive branch of going to an AA meeting with you, well just maybe he is as well.

 

One never knows what the future may hold YGG but even though it hurts now at the very least it seems you both are moving towards bettering yourselves and that alone is a victory in my book.

 

Big hugs to you YGG.

 

TOJAZ