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getting past the guilt


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I have been in a relationship for over 35 years - house, family, the whole thing - and I realize that I have always done things for others and have not had a chance to enjoy my life. A few years ago I got back in touch with someone I had known years earlier. We started seeing each other and things have developed. I want to enjoy my life with this new person but am not sure how to start. I also feel so much guilt since I would be leaving everyone who felt I was in a perfect marriage. I feel counseling is too late. I really do want to get on with my life. It would mean moving to another state - not sure what the implications would be for the legal aspects of the divorce. In some ways I think it might be easier on me since I would have that distance - but at the same time I'm leaving everything I know. Where does one start?

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Um... if you're looking for advice on how to destroy your family and leave what sounds like a perfectly good spouse so you can go be selfish, this probably isn't the place for you.

 

You feel guilty because what you're doing is wrong. I feel bad for your family.

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willowthewisp

From a place of wanting to help, although you may not percieve it this way, you may want to look into seeing an IC for the mid life crisis that it appears you are most likely having (no offence), before you give up everything you have spent 35 years building because you now fell due to the life transition that you need to change it all. Something feels off, yes? All of a sudden you look for the source of your unhappiness and it must be your life, it must be b/c you haven't had your desires fulfilled. If nothing else just look up mid life and read it with an open mind, you may be suprised what you learn. Think about it, why are you forgetting all the reasons you were with your spouse so long?

 

I hope you took that the way it was intended. I don't want to see you back here in a few years when you realise the marraige wasn't the problem. (If I'm still here, which actually I hope not! LOL)

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Tell your wife that you want a divorce and a new life. The two of you together should go to MC so that this can be discussed with open communication. The length of the marriage and the fact that divorce will change everything about both of your lives make this a necessary step.

MC does not only help to heal broken marriages but also serves as a great stepping stone toward a less hostile and shattering divorce.

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I have been in a relationship for over 35 years - house, family, the whole thing - and I realize that I have always done things for others and have not had a chance to enjoy my life. A few years ago I got back in touch with someone I had known years earlier. We started seeing each other and things have developed. I want to enjoy my life with this new person but am not sure how to start. I also feel so much guilt since I would be leaving everyone who felt I was in a perfect marriage. I feel counseling is too late. I really do want to get on with my life. It would mean moving to another state - not sure what the implications would be for the legal aspects of the divorce. In some ways I think it might be easier on me since I would have that distance - but at the same time I'm leaving everything I know. Where does one start?

 

You want to throw away everything for something you don't even know what will happen with. Never leave one person for another. If anything - be single think things over and don't get with that person. Find someone else or stay with your wife.

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The-Zen-Warrior

eddy1970 :

 

Greetings and salutations, now that the pleasantries are over, I'm going take the gloves off and shoot from the hip!

 

You know something, nothing pisses me off more than a "husband" or a "wife" that cheats on their spouse.

 

I don't care how compelled you felt, or how motivated you were, or how uncontrollable your urges were to see this other person! How ever you try to sugar coat it, cheating is cheating!

 

At least you could have been honorable to your spouse, at least you could have honored your marriage enough to be honest with your spouse. You could have at least honored your family, in-laws, biological, step kids, even close friends, you could have honored them enough to do the right thing and that was to be honest with them, before the "affair"!

 

In my Religious practices, we are instructed to not hate, we are instructed to remove the word hate even from our vocabularies and substitute the word with something less lethal, but in your case I'm going to make an exception.....

 

I absolutely HATE it when people who cheat on their spouse, jump into bed with someone else before the ink is dry on their divorce paperwork!

 

In your case there is no ink to dry, the bloody papers haven't even been written yet. Which by the way I feel is the worst type of cheating of all, when one doesn't honor their spouse, do the right thing, is honest with themselves about wanting out ect. ect. ect. you could have at least got the ball rolling on the divorce, then do what ever it is you do!

 

And now, you come to us here on L.S. and ask us to put the ammunition in your clip, so you can slide it into your hand gun of life and use that ammunition on your spouse..............no way, get your damn bullets some where else, I'm not giving you any!:sick::mad:

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As one who was left behind- (after 27 yrs) I can tell you it hurts like hell!!:eek: . Have you any idea of the pain you intend to cause to your family? And you don't even seem to consider how deceitful your actions have been! Why haven't you TALKED to your spouse?!!!

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i think i could put a couple of £££££ on the fact he wont be returning?

 

Dropped a Boll*ck springs to mind posting on this particular section

 

Nobby:confused:

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willowthewisp
As one who was left behind- (after 27 yrs) I can tell you it hurts like hell!!:eek: . Have you any idea of the pain you intend to cause to your family?

 

Nearly 20 years for me! The worse pain of my entire life. I had no idea it was coming and even now in counselling my IC tells me I did not miss any signs, total abandonment. It's amazing the selfishness people are capable of and the fact they don't even care what they are doing to those left behind given all those shared years, the love, support and intimacy and what the left behind will have to endure to get through it and be able to even consider trusting again.

 

i think i could put a couple of £££££ on the fact he wont be returning?

 

Nobby:confused:

 

Yes, I think the OP is long gone.

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All i can tell you is that the mess you leave behind is horrible. My 10 year old boy has turned on his mother who packed up and left 5 months ago. Anybody who thinks children get over this quickly are full of it. I truly believe damage is permanent and social worker is starting to agree.

 

I have heard so many people say children are tuff and they can live with this. Guess what, they have no choice. My son has aged 4 years in the last few months. Its a shame.

 

Give your head a shake, what the hell are you doing?????

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Yes, It's true. I blame myself for my breakup and wonder how my 4yo will cope in later life, The devastation and hurt left behind is immeasurable.

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Yes, It's true. I blame myself for my breakup and wonder how my 4yo will cope in later life, The devastation and hurt left behind is immeasurable.

Well him being only 4 you may fair a bit better. Although you may not. There will always be that thought in there mind that tells them that you are the one that ruined my family.

Actually the first chapter of the divorce busting book describes this very well. I never actually read the whole book but you can read the first chapter for free online.

I dont know how well this stuff works but the way this guy describes everything is so bang on.

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