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My wife wants to separate


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Old 7th October 2010, 10:33 AM   #1
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My wife wants to separate

My wife wants to separate and handed me separation papers again this morning but again I ripped them up. I really want to make this marriage work, not just for us but for our 2 and a half and 1 and a half year old boys.
We have had a lot of issues from both sides for a while and also never really had a fair start because of money, and mental health on my side.
I left to work a long distance away for a few months and found out she cheated on me. She said she was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage, but it's been very hard to trust her again. We are supposed to move at the end of the month and start over again, but she says she doesn't want me to come with her.
Ever since last month when I found out she cheated, I blamed myself, and have given her flowers at least twice a week, have made her sweet things from me and the kids, have written her a few love poems and have tried to be very nice to her (although at times I'm not).
When I make a mistake she often calls me an idiot and loser and yells and swears, which in turn makes me very angry and I do the same in return to her. I don't want to come across as Mr. Perfect because that is the last thing I am, but I honestly feel like I am putting more into this marriage then I am getting out of it.
I really want this marriage to work out and I want to do whatever it takes, I just feel like I have to do all the changing before she will work on herself.
She said this morning that the difference between us is that she "is fine with this marriage ending while I am not".
She says that she just wants me to be a nice person and everything will be better but I feel like there is so many double standards in this relationship it's hard to be perfect all the time which is what I feel like I have to be for this marriage to work.
I just don't know what to do.
We have agreed to go to marriage counseling but I don't know if we will make it to the end of the month 'till we move to a new city and start counseling.
At this point for me moving on and leaving her does not feel like an option I want to pursue.
Any advice/suggestions???
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Old 7th October 2010, 1:52 PM   #2
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Reading this, my first thought is that she's still in contact with the person she cheated with.

She's still emotionally involved with him...and that's why she's not willing to put any effort into fixing your marriage.

My second thought is that you should stop and consider something real quick. Women can't love a man they can't respect.

You sound like you're desperate to get her back, desperate to 'get over' her affair.

Desperate men don't get respect. Women don't love a man they can't respect.

I think you should take a firm stand with her. Make it clear that if she leaves, she does so with no assistance of any kind from you. Tell her you want to save the marriage...but that doesn't mean you have to be her doormat.

I'd suggest you get more info on who she 'was' cheating with...money says he's still in the picture, and that's why she's still acting the way that she is.

Once you know if he's still there...you can work out a plan of action from there.

But remember...if you're desperate to win her back...you're giving her all the decision making power here. Which again does NOT win her back.

Taking decisive action to figure out what's going on and resolve the problem...that earns respect.
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Old 7th October 2010, 3:27 PM   #3
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This sucks. I would just leave her the hell alone.
As hard as it is. You're working your ass off and she did that?
Did you come from an abusive home? You may have attracted that in your relationship.

Leave her, stay no contact except for the kids.
She just likes having 2 options. Once she finds your gone. She'll be screwed.
She is a miserable person to begin with. Then you move on and grow and be the best you can, as you're doing. WHile she is in a rut for life cause she blames everyone else for her unhappiness.

You deserve someone who will appreciate you. Imagine that for a pleasant change.
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Old 7th October 2010, 3:30 PM   #4
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Owl took the words right out my mouth. She is still actively in the affair. She is deep in the affair fog. It still shocks me just how much my STBX lied etc. It was SHOCKING!! This was NOT the person I married. It will be the person I divorce though.

Now if you do decide to try and repair the marriage (I cannot fathom why you would) listen to what Owl is saying. Grow a pair and don't suggest but DEMAND!!!! All contact is cut off right away. In addition all avenues of contact are cut off. She becomes an open book, you can audit what you like and when. Do not chase, whine, beg or of that silly behavior.

Good luck and welcome to LS.
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Old 7th October 2010, 3:43 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by hurtguy27 View Post
Ever since last month when I found out she cheated, I blamed myself, and have given her flowers at least twice a week, have made her sweet things from me and the kids, have written her a few love poems and have tried to be very nice to her (although at times I'm not).
The other posters are right.

This was your first mistake.
You've been rewarding her infidelity!
No wonder she just gets PO'd. From her point of view she's married to a man who has turned into a wet rag.

Listen, women want to be with a strong bada$$ man. Sounds like you've been having a rough time lately and you're a little lost. Many women can't see past current circumstances and stay strong for their men very long.

I know, it happened to me.

So if you want any hope of rescuing this and are absolutely sure you want to. You lay down the law with her! She's effed up big time! No yelling or name calling or anything.

You tell HER that either she drops all contact with this guy or SHE"S moving out on her own.

Hurts like hell right now but really ask yourself. Do you want to stay with someone you can't trust?
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Last edited by sumdude; 7th October 2010 at 3:46 PM..
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Old 7th October 2010, 3:53 PM   #6
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I really feel for you as I know you are so hurt. The truth is she is definitely still involved in some way with the guy she cheated with. This is why she feels she will be okay "separated" because she knows she will not be alone. I don't know how to advise you to make a person stay with you who doesn't want to. It seems almost inevitable that the separation will take place. All you can do is look after yourself and make sure your boys are okay.
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Old 7th October 2010, 4:30 PM   #7
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She has / is treating you badly and she hates you for accepting it.

Stop accepting it FIRST.
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Old 7th October 2010, 6:19 PM   #8
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hurtguy27 :

First off I think forum member Owl is "on target" with what he told you! I know you feel bad right now, your hurt, your upset, your angry and way confused! The only viable way to help pull yourself out of this pit of dispare you are in, is what several other forum member have told you already......grow a pair of heavy stones between your legs, march in like John Wayne and take control of the situation like Steven Seagal.

Start being the "shot caller" of the family, start flexing your marriage muscle and stop asking for things.......demand them! Stop pussy footing around, stop beating around the bush and just go in for the kill. Sit your Wife down and look her dead in the eye and just say something simple, nothing fancy, nothing that would make you look like a buffoon, by stumbling over your words.....just look her in the eye, be prepared to read her body language, be on the look out for twitches, if her legs start moving up and down or nervous itches by her neck when you ask her these simple words....."who is it"? Or "what's his name"? That's it, three words one liners, simple, easy and direct!

Now after your little interrogation of your Wife is complete, and you know you held firm, after you will better know where you stand and what you have to do. If she stays quiet and doesn't give up an name, or doesn't come clean about at least having an "emotional affair" with some other guy, you know she will never be honest with you. At that point I would count your losses and let her leave. But if she pulls a rabbit out of the hat and gives up a name, or admits to having either a "psychical affair" or an "emotional affair" on you, then there may be hope. If she admits he wrong doings and comes clean and gives up a name, then you will have a good "starting off point" to maybe salvaging your marriage. The salvage part is completely up to you!

For me, in my situation, I lucked out, my ex-wife made it very easy for me to know that there was "another man", I didn't really have to live in this air of mystery that you currently live in. Even when my ex-wife came "clean" with me, even that didn't give me a chance of salvaging anything, she had already accepted another mans marriage proposal, while still married to me!

Also, something that will help you out is try not to get upset and return anger back to your wife, during this trying time. Try to keep yourself "in check", don't let her win by you blowing a head gasket, keep focused, keep clear, keep clam and you will in the end win the day.

I will leave you thinking about some words one of my Masters likes to preach, he likes to tell people.................

"If you don't have TRUST, than you really don't have anything at all"!

Think about it......................!
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Old 8th October 2010, 1:17 AM   #9
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Well I did get his name and also his phone number and I did call him. And this was a month ago when I first found out.
At first he said that nothing happened that they just hung out and talked...(which is what my wife initially said) Then my wife finally said that he leaned in and kissed her and she did not kiss him back and then asked him to leave. This was at 2:30am I don't know if that means anything....
I asked her many times if she slept with him and she continues to deny that. Well after I call him a few more times a few weeks later, I finally talked to him again, and said to him that "my wife told me everything, that you two slept together and I just want to know why you would sleep with a married woman" he responded something like "she invited me over..." I can't honestly remember everything he said because 1: I was a little drunk and 2: my wife picked up the phone and started getting angry that I had called him again and I just hung up the phone. Would this guy just lie and 'play along' just to get me to leave him alone?

She has said many times that she is very very sorry for what happened and it was a mistake and will never happen again. She was weak and made a bad decision and wishes it never happened. She says she wants to move forward with me and forget what happened. I know, because we are moving across the country in a few weeks, that the chances of her having contact with this guy right now is practically none, also because she works during the day and I know he does too, and with her job I won't get into it but she has no phone and is being driven to different locations with a team for work. She still tells me she loves me and she is affectionate with me still.
Tonight we actually had a very good night together. And we still sleep together (sexually).

Could everything she is saying be true and I'm just an insecure person and very jealous? (I have always been pretty jealous and look into things way too much). Was it a moment of weakness that can be forgiven?

I understand what you guys are saying that I need to grow some balls, but at the same time I'm so scared of losing her that I'm afraid to push things too much. Maybe that will be my downfall, but like I said I'm scared that if I keep bringing this up it will just push her away completely.

When it's good, it's amazing, and I can still see and feel the love from her.
Thanks for your responses also.

Last edited by hurtguy27; 8th October 2010 at 1:19 AM..
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Old 8th October 2010, 4:22 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by hurtguy27 View Post
Well I did get his name and also his phone number and I did call him. And this was a month ago when I first found out.
At first he said that nothing happened that they just hung out and talked...(which is what my wife initially said) Then my wife finally said that he leaned in and kissed her and she did not kiss him back and then asked him to leave. This was at 2:30am I don't know if that means anything....
I asked her many times if she slept with him and she continues to deny that. Well after I call him a few more times a few weeks later, I finally talked to him again, and said to him that "my wife told me everything, that you two slept together and I just want to know why you would sleep with a married woman" he responded something like "she invited me over..." I can't honestly remember everything he said because 1: I was a little drunk and 2: my wife picked up the phone and started getting angry that I had called him again and I just hung up the phone. Would this guy just lie and 'play along' just to get me to leave him alone?

She has said many times that she is very very sorry for what happened and it was a mistake and will never happen again. She was weak and made a bad decision and wishes it never happened. She says she wants to move forward with me and forget what happened. I know, because we are moving across the country in a few weeks, that the chances of her having contact with this guy right now is practically none, also because she works during the day and I know he does too, and with her job I won't get into it but she has no phone and is being driven to different locations with a team for work. She still tells me she loves me and she is affectionate with me still.
Tonight we actually had a very good night together. And we still sleep together (sexually).

Could everything she is saying be true and I'm just an insecure person and very jealous? (I have always been pretty jealous and look into things way too much). Was it a moment of weakness that can be forgiven?

I understand what you guys are saying that I need to grow some balls, but at the same time I'm so scared of losing her that I'm afraid to push things too much. Maybe that will be my downfall, but like I said I'm scared that if I keep bringing this up it will just push her away completely.

When it's good, it's amazing, and I can still see and feel the love from her.
Thanks for your responses also.

'' Ever since last month when I found out she cheated, I blamed myself, and have given her flowers at least twice a week, have made her sweet things from me and the kids, have written her a few love poems and have tried to be very nice to her "

ok if this is the reward she is getting for cheating , she will do it again .








'
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Old 8th October 2010, 11:19 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by hurtguy27 View Post

I understand what you guys are saying that I need to grow some balls, but at the same time I'm so scared of losing her that I'm afraid to push things too much. Maybe that will be my downfall, but like I said I'm scared that if I keep bringing this up it will just push her away completely.

When it's good, it's amazing, and I can still see and feel the love from her.
Thanks for your responses also.
Our subconscious minds have a funny way of making our fears come true.

You're afraid of losing her... so you find yourself doing things that push her away. You need to go against your instincts and control your fears. Insecurity is not attractive, she loses attraction for you and you see what happens.

She should be afraid of losing you. You need to pull a 180 on her. Need to find that 180 list somewhere...

The basics though

Do not beg, plead or grovel in any way to get her back.
Do not give gifts, flowers or cards to try and buy her.
Don't try to convince her with any rational arguments why she should stay.
Get busy with outside activities, be out of the house.
Act generally happy or at least neutral with the way things are.
Don't talk about the relationship unless she brings it up and then keep it short.
She needs to see that you're fine whether she's there or not.. and YOU need to believe it.
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Old 8th October 2010, 11:36 AM   #12
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My wife wants to separate and handed me separation papers again this morning but again I ripped them up. She said this morning that the difference between us is that she "is fine with this marriage ending while I am not".
<---You said this yesterday morning.

Quote:
Originally Posted by hurtguy27 View Post
She has said many times that she is very very sorry for what happened and it was a mistake and will never happen again. She was weak and made a bad decision and wishes it never happened. She says she wants to move forward with me and forget what happened. I know, because we are moving across the country in a few weeks, that the chances of her having contact with this guy right now is practically none, also because she works during the day and I know he does too, and with her job I won't get into it but she has no phone and is being driven to different locations with a team for work. She still tells me she loves me and she is affectionate with me still.
Tonight we actually had a very good night together. And we still sleep together (sexually). <---You said this this morning.

Could everything she is saying be true and I'm just an insecure person and very jealous? (I have always been pretty jealous and look into things way too much). Was it a moment of weakness that can be forgiven?

When it's good, it's amazing, and I can still see and feel the love from her.
.
So which is it? Does she want a divorce or not? No wonder you can't see the forest for the trees. One day she hands you divorce papers, the next evening she sleeps with you and is very affectionate.
This woman is going to drive you crazy if you let her.

Sorry, but the OM was telling the truth, your W is lying, she did sleep with him. She doesn't want to admit it. Can you forgive her for that? I think you can. But she doesn't deserve forgiveness until she comes clean and seriously wants to fix things.
Your wife is crossing boundaries of respect and decency emotionally, intimately, and sexually.
You have to draw the line. She isn't going to do it for you. Start demanding some respect.
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Old 8th October 2010, 12:03 PM   #13
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Go and get a lot of coffee and read my thread!! I urge you to!!!

PLEASE!!!

My EX did the exact same thing to me all the while continuing her affair. She used sex as a weapon to keep me on a string. Heck she even slept with him less than 1 day before one of our MC sessions! Then she slept with me just after the session!!!!

It was a sick twisted game. She also faked several reconciliations with me, still continuing her affair. She used the excuse of "being confused", ahh bullsh__t.

Get out of there! Get away from her for a while. Set boundaries and respect them. Tell her in no uncertain terms that for now there is only 1 option here, END THE AFFIAR NOW! She'll continue to lie, deceive and play all sorts of games.

I know, I know, not your wife, not your innocent wife, she couldn't do that, she wouldn't do that. Blah blah. I said EVERYTHING you said. Trust me my friend. Your brain already knows but your heart won't let you listen to reason.
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Old 8th October 2010, 5:54 PM   #14
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Boundaries!!

When she knows she doesn't have boundaries, she won't set her own, so don't expect her to.

All respect, through her eyes, has been lost now due to her seeing your desperation. That's ok, she didn't have any respect for you anyway, even before the begging, otherwise, you wouldn't be here.

Look at this as a Godsend. You will be free of a cheater.
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Old 8th October 2010, 6:38 PM   #15
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Look at this as a Godsend. You will be free of a cheater.
This is sage advice, heed it my friend. I know my decision to leave my EX behind was one of the hardest I've ever made, but it was necessary. She was a cheater and if given the chance she would have done it again.
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