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Smoke and Mirrors?


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2SidestoStories

I'm starting a new thread although this is really just a continuation from "My Wife and I..."

 

My frustration with him continues to increase. He is still at his parents' house, but still keeps contacting me, trying to maintain a "dialog" which for some reason he is convinced will "help" when all I wanted in the first place was to have some time and space to sort myself out. Then, after last week...his threats all over again, and me calling the police, etc. (read the other thread if you care to know or don't know...I don't want to retype it...) He keeps trying to get me to tell him "Why?"

 

So I gave him reasons: Marriage is a two sided bargain, and he fell down on his side long ago. He has always preferred to spend time at his computer than with the family (until VERY recently, when all of this started coming to a head) he has put forth very limited effort in terms of responsibility around the home. He has neglected us by running away from problems. He has never taken me seriously when I have asked him to get help, or FOR help around the house, etc. Oh, and there's the whole suicidal thing, which of course, "I can't possibly understand" (and don't want to...which is why he needed to get help from someone who wasn't on the receiving end of his depression and meanness for five years!)

 

Then comes the "But I'm really changing this time!" Which has of course been said many times before. "But this time is different! If only you could see!" Yeah, this time is different because now there's a police record of your threats? But now, not only am I to blame, it is also his "Illness."

 

This past weekend, it was more of the same thing. He wants some absolute. Some real "tangible" reason for my wanting to leave him. He says that I have abandoned him, and that was the reason he never wanted to seek help in the first place! (Ha!) Then he heaps more of the blame on me, saying that I never loved him, that I've TOLD him I never loved him; that I am awful for not letting him have a chance; (at this point I'm basically just nodding in agreement because he has it so well figured out in his mind that there is no point to arguing with him any longer.)

 

More of the same! I try to express my feelings; he breaks them down to their basic level and throws them back in my face, "proving" to me that my feelings are not valid. This guy is unfortunately incredibly intelligent from the standpoint of logic and mathematics, but seems to have lost balance on the emotional side of things...

 

He can't see that what he has done is wrong. He can't accept that I don't trust that he is going to "get better," because history has that against him. Words are meaningless without experience and my experience is that people do not change unless they are good and ready. His hand was forced in terms of seeking help. And it is MY fault that he has to go through this "alone"! Not to mention that he keeps threatening to hurt himself, still, and that he also continues to reconsider actually going to see his psychiatrist, with whom he is to meet tomorrow for the first time.

 

So why post? I guess I could use some support. I've told him that I am cutting contact with him completely for some time, which makes life difficult, because our daughter's birthday is Saturday. She'll be 4. :(

 

Anyone with words of wisdom, either for or against me? I'm willing to try to see both sides, though I can obviously admit my bias!

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You know, I once heard said that a woman has already disconnected herself emotionally months…sometimes YEARS…before she ever finds the courage to walk out the door and abandon her relationship. And by the time she finally leaves, it’s often too late to convince her to change her mind.

 

I don’t know if there is any truth in this, but as a female who regards a deeper, more emotional connection with my partner as being more important to a relationship than sexual attraction, I’d almost have to agree. After all, many of us are unable to feel one without having the other.

 

It seems you have already reached your resolve and have passed the point of no return. All that’s left is anger and resentment. But while you have long since disconnected (for what seems like very valid reasons), your husband and/or partner is still struggling to sort it all out and make sense of it all. You did something totally unpredictable, threw him for a loop, and now he’s a drowning man clinging to whatever he can grab hold of. This much, I can somewhat understand.

 

I support you whole-heartedly in your decision to no longer act as his enabler…To do whatever it is you need to do for your own well being and peace of mind. Sometimes in order to help someone, we must first learn to save ourselves.

 

I wish you much strength and hope that some day soon you will find the peace and happiness that each and every one of us is entitled to…no matter what it is that you decide.

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Yes, I have read the pervious postings about your relationship. I feel for both of you.

]

I feel for you because you will seemingly continue to have some relationship with this person bc of your daughter together. I feel for you bc this person is manipulative and wants to drag you into his sick way of thinking. I feel for you bc the drama does not seem to be waning and he is blaming you for his state of affairs which may indicate that the drama will not cease until he stops having a vendetta against you. Sorry for this. It sucks.

 

I feel sorry for him bc he appears self-destructive. There is a different bw being arrogant, deceitful, etc and being unable to take care of yourself or take any responsibility for his actions. This is not an enviable position to be in. He must be miserable. I feel badly for him.

 

But taking away responsibility from him, i.e. enabling his sickness to continue is the worst possible thing.

 

Perhaps you could simply agree with him and say, "You are right. I haev ruined life as you knew it bc I left you. Hence you are no longer able to continue blaming me for things. For this I am guilty. I have left you and I am not coming back. Now that you know this, you can rebuild your life and become a happier person without me. Good luck. <click>

 

Oh, and if you have not already done so, please finalize the divorce and custody issues as soon as possible. Whatever it takes, as soon as possible. Get over this asap so you can both heal.

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I get the sense that you are not finished sorting through your own feelings about leaving him. This takes time, no rush.

 

But, if I read bw the lines, I see that you are struggling with guilt - that he may be right in some way. Otherwise, why concern yourself with his "brilliant logic?"

 

He obviously does a good job deluding himself. There is no reason you have to persuade either himself or yourself with this same logic. If you use his logic to defend yourself you lose.

 

Instead realize that he is "sick." He needs help and that is it. It doesn't even matter who is right or wrong in the final analysis. You need out and that is that. After you make this decision, you don't need to explain yourself more than you already have.

 

And to tell you the truth, if your postings are an accurate indication of your mental and psychological health (good health, and dealing with a frustrating situation), then you have my reassurance that you have done the right thing by leaving. I am actually somewhat surprised that you have come out of such a stifling and sick relationship as well as you have.

 

So, you have my support. But you also have my confidence that if you thoroughly disentangle your thoughts from his (it seems this is not yet complete) that you will be a happy person by yourself. And if in the future you are looking for someone else, I believe you have the capabilities of finding happiness with another.

 

Good luck,

Genie

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2SidestoStories

To Enigma: The notion of leaving is indeed one which I have been grappling with for some time. And one which he has found ways to manipulate further by repeatedly throwing at me that "It will be so much better for the children (and for us!) if we work this out!" What he doesn't seem to get at all is that it is better for the children to be in an environment conducive to their well being, and that the environment of our home was no such thing. Since he has been gone, things have begun to become steadily more positive for both me and the children (4yo daughter, 10mo son) Thanks for the support.

 

To Genie: I consider myself a genuinely lucky and blessed person. I have several very close friends who I have had around a LONG TIME. Three of my closest girlfriends I have known since high school, (one for eleven years, the other two for ten now) and my childhood best friend, whom I have known since we were ten years old; they have all been here for me, and although they are the sorts to more often hold their tongues in terms of their friends' significant others, they would often be a reality check for me. As I said to Enigma, the idea of leaving is not fresh in my mind. It only came to the surface with my husband within the past month or so.

 

I have retained a lawyer, and have every intention of continuing to pursue the divorce. In the meantime, I have a lot of my own life to sort out: I have been a stay-at-home-mom for the past two and a half years, dependent solely on his income. I have about 90% of a degree in theatre already behind my belt, and I will be returning to school in the Spring semester, although slowly at first so as to prevent shell shock. I will also have to find work, because let's face it, even with child support/alimony, I will have to support my family. That's actually a primary motivation for the return to school. I'll finish that bachelors then go on to get my MA in Education, so that I can teach high school drama. God knows I'll have come from a place where the artificial kind will be WELCOME!

 

I will certainly take your advice to heart in terms of viewing him as "sick." It's like it is as much a stigma in my mind as it is in his, I suppose. I think I may be able to deal with the idea that he's just a real jerk better than that he is sick. But I will certainly have learned a great deal about myself and others through this.

 

Thanks for the input, both of you, and I'm still quite open to more ideas/support/etc. for anyone who might be willing to share it.

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I was in the same exact place you were six years ago. Trust me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Not only WILL you survive, but you will come out a stronger and wiser person for having gone through it all. You will be surprised at how easily things will fall into place, how opportunities, help and support will seemingly come to you without you ever asking.

 

As bad as it seems, you won’t even realize the magnitude of it all until the smoke has cleared and you’ve finally had some time to distance yourself from it all. Then, in those quiet moments when you reflect back, you’ll wonder why and ‘how’ you hung in there so long. And one can never appreciate just how wonderful solitude and “alone time” can be until they have been where you are.

 

God bless, and good luck…

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