Notifying the in-laws of my STBXW affair and divorce filing

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Wife has been having an affair(s).

I am filing for divorce.

Wife does not know I have filed - court date is one month away.

I am pondering discussing this with her parents before notifying her (having her served).

My in-laws are not close geographically, but visit often because of our two sons (their grandchildren ages 6 & 11).

They have always treated me very well and are always welcome in my home.

 

My question has to do with discussing this with them.

 

Has anyone ever let their in-laws know they were divorcing their spouse before notifying their spouse?

 

What was the effect on everyone?

 

I think it will strengthen my relationship with my in-laws for being upfront and honest.

I would like them to write/sign an affidavit supporting my custody before the first temporary hearing.

 

It know it will weaken my relationship with my wife (which is already destroyed) - but will her bitterness make this divorce process more difficult?

 

It may damage her relationship with her parents if they do want to endorse my custody?

Do I have the right to let them know before at the expense of her relationship with her parents?

After she is served - they will find out anyways - so the question is in the context of before telling my wife.

 

My IC wants me to think about the damage this may cause if I notify them first to ask them to take sides.

I see it as protecting my sons. I am increasing my odds for custody by minimizing her preparation time.

 

I need to fly there.

This is not news I will deliver over the phone.

I realize they will probably call her before I am back home.

 

Any thoughts?

[quankanne]

is there an immediate way for you to be notified that she's been served? Because you definitely don't want to show your cards beforehand, especially in this kind of situation, no matter how much you love her family. I'm sure your attorney will advise the same.

 

as for securing their support for custody ahead of time? Not the smartest move because you'll be putting them in the middle of your fight with their daughter. And no matter how much they love you, their loyalty will be with her and her children.

 

I think you should give them a bit of time to adjust to the news of the divorce, then contact them to reassure them that you have no plans to deny them access to their grandkids regardless of how the custody works out. By showing them that you are willing to defend their access to the kids, they will definitely consider supporting you to whatever degree they can, esp. if their daughter is being a butthead about things, you know?

 

I am increasing my odds for custody by minimizing her preparation time. ummm, no, not really. Custody arrangements aren't about you or your wife, but strictly about the kids. Unless you've got proof that she is unfit to have sole custody of them, the judge will go with the old standby, joint custody with visitation. You'll have to have solid evidence to back up a claim that would be endangered or neglected under her care ...

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I am increasing my odds for custody by minimizing her preparation time. ummm, no, not really. Custody arrangements aren't about you or your wife, but strictly about the kids. Unless you've got proof that she is unfit to have sole custody of them, the judge will go with the old standby, joint custody with visitation. You'll have to have solid evidence to back up a claim that would be endangered or neglected under her care ...

 

 

The kids will stay in the house and go to school. During the temporary, which parent gets the house sets the precedents for custody.

 

Her plus was she was a SAHM. Negative - 2 affairs and is often absent from the home.

 

My plus is I did nothing wrong, spend my off work time with my kids and am involved. Negative - I could afford to be removed from the home.

 

 

If her parents endorse me over the daughter to be with the boys, there is a likelihood that she would be ordered to leave.

 

The status quo for normality in custody would be the boys and I.

 

quankanne - thanks for the reply

Edited August 20, 2010 by Dad_of_2_great_boys
forgot to say thanks

[LisaLee]

It depends on how close your in-laws are to your wife. I wouldn't do it, tbh. My ex did the exact same thing. Called my mom and told her before he told me... of course my mom sided with me! She hates him to this day, and the ex and I actually get along pretty good now. But she hates him for the things he did before and during the divorce, and especially for him calling her and trying to sway her. He tried to get her on his side. Ooooohhh no. She is MY mother and as she told me "it is YOU I will always be there for."

 

His family sided with him. My family sided with me. I don't know how the whole affair thing will play into it with her family, but speaking from my own experience I don't think going to her family for support is a good idea.

[denise_xo]

I would really think twice. As others have said, blood is generally thicker than water. Obviously, I don't know any of the people involved, but as an outsider I'm very skeptical to the assumption that they will take your side and support you.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

LisaLee and DeniseXO - thanks for the input.

 

I have heard the blood is thicker than water argument and seriously consider it. - that's part of why I am asking here.

 

Where does the "blood" fall for the grandparents - daughter or grandsons?

Are they more concerned for their adult daughter who's choices led up to this life changing event or the 2 innocent grandsons who will suffer for her choices.

 

Adultery bars alimony where I am and child support would be tops at 1100/month. If the kids are awarded to her, they will take a definite lifestyle change.

 

You can see my previous story in other posts but I am involved with these boys in the day to day. Probably more so than she. She has left the 11 in charge of the 6 and gone off to the gym numerous times. I have left work early to be there with them when I hear of this. Maybe it seems over protective of me. The oldest can manage himself just fine, but shouldn't have the responsibility for his younger brother. I am their soccer coach and Boy Scout leader. I believe I already have a strong case on my own but when the attorney warns of a possibility of you don't like, you begin considering anything additional.

[NYCmitch25]

LisaLee and DeniseXO - thanks for the input.

 

I have heard the blood is thicker than water argument and seriously consider it. - that's part of why I am asking here.

 

Where does the "blood" fall for the grandparents - daughter or grandsons?

Are they more concerned for their adult daughter who's choices led up to this life changing event or the 2 innocent grandsons who will suffer for her choices.

 

 

Well, I suggest that you take conventional steps... tell the (ex)wifey about your plans and let her tell her side of the family. And trust me, the "blood over water" thing is so true, no matter how much they like you, they will turn on you in times of perceived needs of blood relatives. Also, good families probably are the types that stay out of it (unless asked) so don't drag them if that has ever been any part of your intention by informing them first.

 

So there is no other route than the big D ?

[Jilly Bean]

Blood is thicker than water, so even if she was the bad one for having the affair, her family will end up supporting her, even if they don't agree with what she did.

 

I just went through this, as a family member's spouse was caught cheating. My relative told his parents, and they told her they dont believe it. And yes, they have 2 kids like you.

 

So, there you go. Even with hard evidence and proof, most parents don't want to admit their kid is a dirtbag. If you tell them, they will call her immediately, and then she can spin this out anyway she choses, and it becomes a he said, she said.

 

Why are you waiting to serve your wife?

[carhill]

I'm liking to know in what jurisdiction you can bring a lawsuit and secure a trial date without serving proper notice on the respondent?

 

Don't discuss anything with her parents. Anything you say, do or write can and will be used against you in a court of law

 

If you're serious about divorcing, and expect it to be at trial, meaning contested, only your lawyer/solicitor talks.

 

Obviously, if this is in some foreign (from the US) jurisdiction, YMMV, but I still wouldn't tell the parents anything. Their daughter can do that. You do know that she's going to make you out to be the bad guy with everyone, right? That's her strength. Accept it.

 

I'm in the settlement phase of my divorce. Stbx told her family and friends when she felt it appropriate. I said nothing. I have no idea what she told them and I don't care. Get it settled and let me out of this prison

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

So there is no other route than the big D ?

 

When I asked about the affair - she admitted it.

 

I asked her to stop contact.

Not lie to me any more.

Get a Doctors check-up.

Start marital counseling.

 

It took 6 weeks for the doctors check. 8 weeks till the first schedule marital counseling (pending). A few days to start texting and lying about. and only 2 weeks to go back to her boyfriends apartment and lie about it.

 

We don't talk to each other. The boys sense something is wrong and she won't move out. I can't continue to live like this. She chose to have the affairs and continue.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Why are you waiting to serve your wife?

 

Lawyer suggests serving her with only the minimum required time.

I have to live with until the first hearing if neither of us will move out.

[quankanne]

her family will end up supporting her, even if they don't agree with what she did. And there's the fact that while their kid screwed up, she's the only real access they'll have to their grandsons, no matter how much you intend to keep them in their lives.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

I'm liking to know in what jurisdiction you can bring a lawsuit and secure a trial date without serving proper notice on the respondent?

 

Proper notice is either 5 or 10 business days before the hearing. Three attorneys I spoke to recommended this strategy if she wasn't able to be enticed to leave on her own. Minimize the time in house together and doesn't give her much time to prepare.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

her family will end up supporting her, even if they don't agree with what she did. And there's the fact that while their kid screwed up, she's the only real access they'll have to their grandsons, no matter how much you intend to keep them in their lives.

 

 

quankanne - since perception is reality - your point is taken very seriously.

It may be best to go at this on my own merits because as sincerely as I intend to keep them in the boys lives, their perception (or doubt) may make them see it as you describe.

 

Thank you.

[carhill]

So they'll plead inadequate time to properly prepare for trial and move for a continuance. Do you want to divorce here or are you playing with her and trying to get the upper hand? If someone attempted to do that to me, there would be hell to pay in court. Just sharing with you what a determined and 'crazy' person might do. I'm assuming you're a long, long, long way from California. Courts don't work that way here, for anyone. Good luck

[denise_xo]

 

Where does the "blood" fall for the grandparents - daughter or grandsons?

Are they more concerned for their adult daughter who's choices led up to this life changing event or the 2 innocent grandsons who will suffer for her choices.

.

 

This below is the answer to the above.

 

her family will end up supporting her, even if they don't agree with what she did. And there's the fact that while their kid screwed up, she's the only real access they'll have to their grandsons, no matter how much you intend to keep them in their lives.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

So they'll plead inadequate time to properly prepare for trial and move for a continuance. Do you want to divorce here or are you playing with her and trying to get the upper hand? If someone attempted to do that to me, there would be hell to pay in court. Just sharing with you what a determined and 'crazy' person might do. I'm assuming you're a long, long, long way from California. Courts don't work that way here, for anyone. Good luck

 

 

I am paying for the legal advice on how to do this properly.

This is a "temporary relief hearing" not a final divorce. There is a minimum 60 days but typically longer wait (backlog) for the final hearing in an at-fault situation. So I think that is part of the difference. I believe the minimal times are to allow quick response and prevent hostile situations. Unfortunately, it also establishes status quo which is an uphill battle to overturn in the final hearing.

[carhill]

Fault divorce = no potential for an amicable solution, IMO. Essentially, you're going on the public record, open to anyone, that your wife was unfaithful (assuming this is the 'fault' you seek to adjudicate) and suing her for divorce on that basis.

 

I looked up New Hampshire statute, which sounds a lot like what you're talking about. It sounds like, by using the minimum period of service prior to the temporary hearing, you want to 'surprise' your wife and then seek specific temporary relief, whether monetary or custody-related, by causing her to scramble to get representation and prepare for the hearing. I hope it works as your lawyer has laid out. The rest will depend on how deep your pockets are, which I'm assuming are deep. If she doesn't roll over on the fault, it will get expensive. Hope that strategy works for you.

 

Given your scenario, I wouldn't tell a soul, *no one*, until she's served and the hearing takes place. Total radio silence. Smiles and life as usual.

[You Go Girl]

There will be a time and place to know just where you stand for the future as to her parents and your relationship.

That time may not come until after the divorce is final, at which point, you may want to give them a simple call and tell them that they are welcome to request visitation with their grandchildren whenever they like, or something to that effect. You could also thank them at that point for being wonderful in-laws.

But your kind words may be met with only hostility. Be prepared for that possibility.

The sooner after the hearing you talk to them, the better.

But I wouldn't place any votes on them siding with you in a custody dispute. They would have to not only love you, but despise their own daughter.

[Dad_of_2_great_boys]

Carhill - temporary relief for me means my continued use of the house with boys remaining in the home.

 

My pockets may not be as deep as I need, but they are deeper than hers and I can survive with less money. I can't replace time lost from my sons' lives.

 

Ultimately, I want to work towards a settlement and would be willing to physically separate for a one year "no-fault" divorce (stipulating with no alimony and I resided in home) if she wants that and truly acts in the best interests of the children regarding custody issues.

 

 

YGG - I have heard everyone weigh in for her parents supporting her side.

I hear it and I believe it.

 

What I don't understand is not considering the best interest of the grand kids?

 

But I guess I am naive and idealistic. I know it would have made the temporary relief request for custody an easier sell but there is the distance and surprise factor working against me. I hope they will forgive me in not discussing this with them as it seems to be the safer thing to do based on the LS consensus.

[2.50 a gallon]

Think - This is War! In war you do not give your plans to your enemy. So do not contact your in laws until after.

 

As for blood is thicker, not always, in my family my dad's brother divorced his wife. She married into our family. We the family rallied around her, car repairs, roof repairs, etc. Uncle was never allowed in our house again.

 

When growing up he was my favorite uncle. I have not seen him coming on 40 years. My aunt, has long remarried and moved across country, while her grown up kids remained and started families of their own. Yearly she makes a visit back to our area. It is always a time of celebration. We also consider her second husband to be part of the family

[Darth Vader]

Wife has been having an affair(s).

I am filing for divorce.

Wife does not know I have filed - court date is one month away.

I am pondering discussing this with her parents before notifying her (having her served).

My in-laws are not close geographically, but visit often because of our two sons (their grandchildren ages 6 & 11).

They have always treated me very well and are always welcome in my home.

 

My question has to do with discussing this with them.

 

Has anyone ever let their in-laws know they were divorcing their spouse before notifying their spouse?

 

What was the effect on everyone?

 

I think it will strengthen my relationship with my in-laws for being upfront and honest.

I would like them to write/sign an affidavit supporting my custody before the first temporary hearing.

 

It know it will weaken my relationship with my wife (which is already destroyed) - but will her bitterness make this divorce process more difficult?

 

It may damage her relationship with her parents if they do want to endorse my custody?

Do I have the right to let them know before at the expense of her relationship with her parents?

After she is served - they will find out anyways - so the question is in the context of before telling my wife.

 

My IC wants me to think about the damage this may cause if I notify them first to ask them to take sides.

I see it as protecting my sons. I am increasing my odds for custody by minimizing her preparation time.

 

I need to fly there.

This is not news I will deliver over the phone.

I realize they will probably call her before I am back home.

 

Any thoughts?

 

 

I say do it! Your wife's been the town mattress for who knows how long! She doesn't want to face any consequences for her actions! Time to deliver to her, her consequences, maybe then she'll feel the pain!

 

Get your sons however you need to, because when she finds out that you're dropping her ASS, she'll fight dirty and with vengence! Be sure to tell your parents and family as well so she can't turn them against you!

[Darth Vader]

LisaLee and DeniseXO - thanks for the input.

 

I have heard the blood is thicker than water argument and seriously consider it. - that's part of why I am asking here.

 

Where does the "blood" fall for the grandparents - daughter or grandsons?

Are they more concerned for their adult daughter who's choices led up to this life changing event or the 2 innocent grandsons who will suffer for her choices.

 

Adultery bars alimony where I am and child support would be tops at 1100/month. If the kids are awarded to her, they will take a definite lifestyle change.

 

You can see my previous story in other posts but I am involved with these boys in the day to day. Probably more so than she. She has left the 11 in charge of the 6 and gone off to the gym numerous times. I have left work early to be there with them when I hear of this. Maybe it seems over protective of me. The oldest can manage himself just fine, but shouldn't have the responsibility for his younger brother. I am their soccer coach and Boy Scout leader. I believe I already have a strong case on my own but when the attorney warns of a possibility of you don't like, you begin considering anything additional.

 

 

Have you documented all of the times your wife has done this, I mean times and dates? As well as leaving the children alone to go and screw her OM? I don't know if that will help, but in the State you're living in which looks at Adultry the way it does, I would be surprised if it didn't help!

[Darth Vader]

Fault divorce = no potential for an amicable solution, IMO. Essentially, you're going on the public record, open to anyone, that your wife was unfaithful (assuming this is the 'fault' you seek to adjudicate) and suing her for divorce on that basis.

 

I looked up New Hampshire statute, which sounds a lot like what you're talking about. It sounds like, by using the minimum period of service prior to the temporary hearing, you want to 'surprise' your wife and then seek specific temporary relief, whether monetary or custody-related, by causing her to scramble to get representation and prepare for the hearing. I hope it works as your lawyer has laid out. The rest will depend on how deep your pockets are, which I'm assuming are deep. If she doesn't roll over on the fault, it will get expensive. Hope that strategy works for you.

 

Given your scenario, I wouldn't tell a soul, *no one*, until she's served and the hearing takes place. Total radio silence. Smiles and life as usual.

 

Then again, I can see how keeping quite would be good. She'll be embarrassed to her parents and relatives either way you go. This poster says it well.

 

Strange that I didn't think of it beforehand, "the element of surprise"!

Edited August 21, 2010 by Darth Vader

[2sunny]

quankanne - since perception is reality - your point is taken very seriously.

It may be best to go at this on my own merits because as sincerely as I intend to keep them in the boys lives, their perception (or doubt) may make them see it as you describe.

 

Thank you.

 

this is what you focus on when the time comes when they need to be advised of the change in your family unit as they once knew it.

 

only express to them that you see them as a positive influence in the grandkids lives and yours as well.

 

they really will only want to know how IT all affects THEM and their grandkids.

 

any talk of their daughter (your wife) should be kept separate. hurtful words that pertain their daughter (whether true or not) is usually received as destructive to all the relationships involved.

 

first, i'd suggest informing your wife that she needs to prepare for the divorce that's about to change the lives of MANY. she deserves to know that part of your truth. certainly tell her asap.

 

any words spoken regarding your wife and the marriage should be kept soley between YOU and your WIFE.