25 Years: How do you tell him so as not to hurt his self esteem?

[OFFICEMAX]

I am leaving my husband of 25 years. How do you tell him so as not to hurt his self esteem? There has to be a right way. We have never really had any problems other than I married him out of low self esteem and now after counseling am ready to eventually find someone that I will really love. I just can't bring myself to telling him, I never loved him. I do love him, but just not the way I should. What an awful thing and I sure have learned my lesson on learning to express myself. I hope everyone will reply to this. It isjust awful thing to go thru.

Thanking you in advance

[Tony T]

It seems you would have brought this chore up in counselling as well.

 

There is no other way to discuss this except by being straightforward and honest. You have no power to hurt his self esteem...he can only do that to himself. I would hope you would apologize to him for taking up the last 25 years of his life when you were not truly in love with him but explain very clearly why that happened.

 

If you are very truthful with him, he may react emotinally but that's not your problem. You need to look out for YOU and living with somebody with whom you were not in love for 25 years is a real bummer!!! You need to cut this gig off right now!!!

 

Good luck on your search for Mr. Right, assuming you haven't started already...or don't already have somebody lined up.

[OFFICEMAX]

Thank you for your valuable reply. I don't have any desire to meet anyone right now. Just want to start being the real me and also be by my husbands side as we both go thru this terrible separation. I really apprecaite your input and will take it to heart.

[Tony T]

This really doesn't have to be a "terrible" separation and it sounded like you were intent on going straight to divorce. You shouldn't prolong the matter of ending this marriage.

 

I feel sad that you spent 25 years in an unfulfilling union. I am happy that you are on your way to a new life, however, and you should work hard to move things forward. If you have fully made up your mind, there is no reason at all for making your break quickly.

 

Only you know what sort of dysfunction your husband may possess so only you will know exactly how to discuss this with him...but, by all means, discuss it directly with him as soon as possible and be no other way than forthright and direct.

[luvmyboys]

Are you sure you want to do this? Why did it take 25 years? Does he feel the same? Do you even talk to your husband about your feelings? What about children, are there any?

 

Don't mean to be so questionable but to stay with someone that long and all of a sudden decide you want out, tells me that you probably love him more than you know...there just aren't the fireworks anymore, or it could be a midlife thing going on.

 

Keep in mind, sometimes a life we think is better on the other side turns out to be terribly lonely.

 

My best advice to you is to be honest with your husband and get joint counseling after this many years together.

[superd]

woah, do you have any idea how tough it is out there to find a good mate? If you have a semi-decent one count your stars. I suppose you havent been on this site long and haven't heard all of the horror stories of terrible breakups and neverending sagas of loneliness? I think its great that your therapist sees potential in you that no one ever saw before but it is tough out there right now.

 

Did you ever think that having the stability of having a faithfull husband is the thing that gives you the strength to persue your new found dreams. It could be that he is just nervous that you might fall on your face or maybe he is jealous that you have these new found talents and vitality. You have to talk to him and convince him that he has nothing to feel threatened about and find out if he still loves you and how he feels about you. He might even learn to appreciate you more.

 

Make sure that you are certain that no good is coming from your relationship before you cut off you arm and expect to stay afloat. And if you are thinking about a new man in your life make sure he is for real and is not some one who is going to pick up and leave you if he gets bored.

[OFFICEMAXX]

Thank you all for your valuable input. I can learn a bit of something from each reply. No, it was not just waking up and leaving after 25 years. It's been 2-3 years in making. Although, no I didn't discuss it with him because I do have my mind made up. No, it's not because the grass is greener. My husband has personality tendencies and qualities that I don't care for and just can't live with the rest of my life. I received counseling and learned who the real person is and although it is not a fair choice to my husband, it is a honest choice in my heart and Yes, I know it will be very lonely, I will be living on quite a lot less financial help and will have to make it all the way by my self. It's been very hard to hurt one that I do love and have feelings for, but need to move on. I have to make my "self" happy and it may be because of mid life, that I have finally awakened and want my remaining years to be fulfilled. I'll only know tomorrow what will bring that day and have to realize, I can't look back after making this major decision.

[pandora]

Hi

Forgive me for being presumptuous, but I feel that you did'nt marry out of "low-self-esteem" as you may have been told. It's just that as you have grown and matured you have come to realise that for all your parnters good points there are just as many bad, and you are no longer willing to put up with them.

 

No one (unless they have real problems) stays in a relationship that long unless some or most of their needs are being met. We as individuals are not prepared to settle for less than the best anymore and why should we?

 

I differ from most of your other replies in that I do'nt think you need to tell your partner that you never loved him! Where is the point in that? All that is required is that you tell him the relationship no longer works for you.

 

Your concern is that you do not hurt him/rob him of his self -esteem. In effect it is nothing he has done. After all you have put up with him as he is for 25yrs. What has changed? YOU!

 

Put the emphasis on this and you will leave him as you found him. The best reason for leaving a relationship is not to find another but to find yourself. I think you have done this.

Good Luck x

[superd]

It is the all on your own with less financial means and more loneliness part of the whole thing that worries me about your decision, still you know you best and I wish you good luck.

[Carly]

I don't get it either. You say that you still love him and care for him, and you don't know how to break it to him that you want to dump him. Hmmm, maybe you should be listening to your heart instead of your counsellor.

 

I also question how this counsellor can bring you to see things about your husband that you never saw before. Huh?! This must be some counsellor, if s/he has a better picture of your husband than the you do -- the woman who has been married to him for 25 years!!

 

I suggest you pose your question to a forum that specializes in divorce. Read about some of the people who dumped their spouses after a long time due to their mid-life crisis, only to regret it later and suffer the tragic consequences.

 

Don't mistake me for someone who does not believe in divorce. It's just that your case isn't convincing to me. Come on, what is his problem that is so awful? Go ahead, try to at least humor me with good reasons to leave him. Porn? Affairs? Abusive? Addictions? What's his personality problem? OCD? Narcissism?

 

Seems to me if he has good reasons to be left, then you could just tell him what his problems are and walk away free of guilt. People who's spouses are so bad they are truly worth leaving don't generally require anonymous advice on how to break up with them.

 

Beware of distorted thinking from a mid-life crisis. And beware of misguided, home-wrecking advice from arrogant counsellors. It's all happened before.

[superd]

Woah, that was even harsher than I am Carly but you know what, I think you are right on the head with the arrogant homewrecking counsellor thing. I think these counsellors are well meaning for the most part but they can be quite arrogant. Sometimes they get so excited about your spirit to do great things or your new found potential that they fail to see your weaknesses or the weaknesses of the world at large and they send you gun ho out into the world like it is going to be so easy to succeed because they view themselves as successes and don't realize the sacrifices that they had to make and the work they had to put in to get there.

 

They might be more careful with their advice if they were related to you but they are not so how much can they really care? Not only that but if you fall on your face their not going to take responsibility. My old apartment mate made a cool point once. He said that psychologists and therapists don't want to cure you because then you would stop going to them. I wouldn't go that far because I think they are useful but my whole point is that sometimes they get excited about your new interest in yourself and your desire to "actualize" or "become" and they offer foolish advice. Remeber they are people too. Another thing I would be careful about is that maybe this therapist likes you, he is a man after all and that may be clouding his judgement or may be the reason why he is offering you bad advice.

 

On a final note, I think that people can succeed no matter what age they are but if you have been married 25 years that means that you are no kid anymore and it is going to be even harder now for you to make it and you probably also have less energy then when you were young. Like I said I think you should abort mission but you seem to have all systems go. Also, I don't want this post to be taken as negativity, I am not god and therefore who am I to say what is possible and what is not. Again, good luck to you.

[RogueK]

I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like to be married for someone for 25 years to all of a sudden tell me that they've never been in love with me and after all of this time they've finally found out who they are due to the apparent magic of counseling. That must be some counselor.

 

Have you talked to him about those "problems" you see in your marriage? I suppose that doesn't matter if you've already made up your mind.

 

Well good luck to you anyway. Hopefully he'll find someone who really loves him too.

[superd]

oh, you see, yet another poster with the same point of view, that should be telling you something.

[OFFICEMAX]

O.K., I have replies for all the above

[OFFICEMAX]

Thank you all for your valuable input. Each one has some advice to think about and swallow. Firstly, why does one think, especially the spouse, that one just wakes up one day (mid-life) or not and asks to leave. I believe that every individual that leaves their spouse, does not just wake up someday and do that. There is blatant and also subtle actions that we all ignore and speaking of arrogant...the spouse thinks he/she is the right way and never acknowleges the cries for change. My husband has been harping on me for 2 years that I have changed. He is a "partier" and has done his share of groping and etc, when the parties went on. It was so hard for me to watch and forgive and forgive. I have an uncanny amount of patience, tried to be open minded about the "animal" in men, but I truly believe that there are men out there that is a 1 woman man. He also came to be spoiled and I continue to spoil him. I take that responsibility. But being manipulated because of my kindness and failure to express my true feelings has left too deep of scars. I like Pandora's reply the best. It fits, is more and better advice than I've had with my counselor. On the record. My counselor is a lady. And has never told be to do anything. She only is helping me learn to feel good about myself so I can make decisions and not live with the feeling that I did something bad. Cause I'm not bad. I agree, I am leaving to find MYSELF. It's sad that it took midlife to do it. I don't like hurting anyone and we both will learn and grow.

[clia]

I think you are doing the right thing. You are the only one on this thread who understands what your day to day life is like, what your marriage is like, and why you want to get out of it. It's not a bad thing to change and to want something different out of life. You've put in 25 years with your husband. You've been to counseling. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work. There is no reason to spend the rest of your life miserable while you are still young.

 

I don't like the way people are writing this off as a "mid life crisis." I can't imagine anyone walking away from a 25 year marriage without a lot of thought.

 

I don't see any reason to tell him you never loved him, though. I think that would be cruel.

 

Good luck.

[superd]

I disagree with clia 100%, I think you have to tell him you don't love him as cruel as it is that may be if that is the truth or you will have a bad feeling about it your whole life. No one said life would be easy and no one said doing the right thing would be easy. We usually know what the right thing is because it is easy to avoid the problem then to take it head on and in this situation taking it head on would mean confronting your husband.

[clia]

I think you have to tell him you don't love him as cruel as it is that may be if that is the truth or you will have a bad feeling about it your whole life.

 

I just think it serves no purpose at this point. She has decided to leave him anyway. To me, it's never acceptable to ease your own guilt at the expense of another person's feelings in a situation such as this. HE is the one who is going to be really, really hurt by this knowledge.

 

To me, it's similar to someone saying "Oh yeah, and by the way, I cheated on you" during a break up speech. What purpose does it serve? It clears their conscience, yeah. But if they are breaking up with me anyway, I'd rather be left in the dark. I don't need to know that information.

 

Just as her husband does not need to know she never loved him. I think hearing that after 25 years together would be absolutely devastating. And all it would do is hurt him even more.

[OFFICEMAX]

Clia,

Thank you. That's a good reply.

[Diller076]

I feel for your husband in this one.... Poor Guy.... Did you ever think about finding yourself with the help of your husband? Have you asked him to do things diffrently? Asked him to change the way he does things?

I feel your husband has been left in the dark about all your feelings. Maybe he is the man your looking for? Maybe you dont care to see if he can change for you?

25 years... he obviously loves you.

[OFFICEMAX]

I told my husband I wanted to separate after 25 years of marriage because it was obvious that I have grown and changed and we had different interests.

 

I also told him because of his many years of manipulation and my lack of self expression, I did not love him (any) more.

 

Shame on me for not expressing my wants for all those years, shame on him for manipulating my feelings to the point of driving me away.

 

The one thing that blew up in my face is he made a total turn around with his attitude in just 24 hours. he is behaving like he should have 25 years. I feel so betraye that he could change his ways in such a short period, but yet, was acting like an "jerk" for all those years. I believe he is hurt enough to make the changes long term. However, I'm not so sure I want to even take a chance of having to go thru all this down the road, should it not last.

 

What do you guys think about this saga II?

[beauty40]

hi officemax...boy oh boy do i understand what ur saying, reading all what you said i felt i was reading about myself, i am in the same situation like your are, feel just like you, feel i have changed and have put up with him for 25 years and feel i need more and i can't tolerate his bad sides anymore its sad i know i have bad sides also but they seem to come out more everytime we are together, i feel we both can't tolerate each other anymore, i don't love him anymore and have been asking myself if i ever did, he says he loves me but funny how he always over the years always had to put his needs and wants first and never took the time to listen to me at what i wanted and what i was feeling, now he seems to want to change and now i don't want him anymore, is it mid life crises, maybe, but maybe it took mid life to realize all this, i haven't had the courage yet to ask for a divorce cause i've been thinking of family reaction to all this, but i am very close, i was glad to see what you wrote and i joined just to give u an answer and makes me feel good i ain't the only one in this situation, hope you email me back would like to know what you've done and how are things, writing here am not to comfortable....i've been threw everything like you in the past couple of years and like you said its not something you wake up to one morning it is lots of things over the years and i've reached my limits, if your divorced or separated want to know how things are wish u lots of luck....really hope u reply me

[HokeyReligions]

Lots of different opinions and none of know any more than what you told us here. Knowing that you have sought counseling for yourself (congrats on that - I am a strong supporter of getting help when we need it) tells me that you are serious and not just doing this on a whim. Whatever problems or lack of fulfillment in your marriage -- it took both of you. I'm sure it was a shock to him and he may need counseling of his own to be able to deal with this (I hope that he goes to someone).

 

As for counselors - my husband and I have been to several. In each case they told us not to do anything rash, such as divorce, because they would like to see a marriage saved first, and if not salvagable then the divorce should be amicable and in the best interest of both (or all if there are kids) parties involved.

 

Stay strong and if you feel you need to be supportive of him, then find some happy memories that you two can share, but make it understood that it doesn't mean those happy times are enough to build a new marriage on, and that because youhave grown it would be a new marriage for both of you.

[GIZMO]

What about if you just get separated for a little while and see how life is with out him?

Is there anyway that you and your husband can work things out? Maybe marriage counseling?

I just think that if you just get up and leave the life you knew for 25 years you may regret it..

That is why I am saying maybe you and your husband can just be separated right now and see how things go...

You just may realize that you really are in love with this man.. On the other hand you may be more comfortable about getting a divorce..

Take one day at a time, don't just jump the gun..

[Angel]

Only you know what you want. Only you know if it is "fixable". Only you know if you want it fixed. You know when it is time to bail. I think you've had enough and you know it. Don't worry too much about his self-esteem. It'll be tough, but he'll recover. I too divorced after 23 years of marriage and it was the BEST THING I EVER DID. Good luck!