piscesmommy25 Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Hello everyone... I've got a dilemma.... My husband and I are going through the roughest patch ever. We are both 25 years old and have been married for 3 years after dating for 4 years. We have a 2 year old son and another son on the way, due in September. This pregnancy has been so hard. It started off being a surprise. Both my husband and I wanted to wait another year to get settled before having another child. But after we got over the shock we became happy. Now healthwise this baby has put me through a rollercoaster. I became very irritable, sick and uncomfortable. I messed up and took this out on my hubby and we both became unhappy. I apologized and we moved on. Now I thought we were fine until out of the blue everything went down hill last month. My husband basically checked out of the marriage. He stopped calling and texting me throughout the day, and he started spending more time with his coworkers and cousins. He also stopped confiding in me. We've always had the type of relationship where we told each other everything, so that's when I noticed something was wrong. I called him out on it, and he told me that he was unhappy and had been that way for sometime. He said that he still loves me and our son (and the baby on the way) but he feels like he can't give us anymore of him. He would like to be alone, so that he could deal with his issues. So he has mentioned separation, and he thinks that's the only route to go at this point. I'm completely against it because I love him and our life together. We've put off making any sort of decision until after the baby gets here in 9 weeks, but is there anyway we could fix us during that time? Any advice? Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 The first step to fixing this is to find out and deal with whoever he is sharing his heart with. I smell a rat. Don't you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 Idk... He promises he's not cheating or seeing anyone else. And I believe him, I just know he's sad, it's ruining our marriage and I want to fix it. Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I have to agree with hopesanddreams, I think there may be another woman. Could just be emotional- find that out first so you know what you are dealing with. I wish you the best. Take care of yourself and that baby and your child. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 His promises are just words. What do his actions say? Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Idk... He promises he's not cheating or seeing anyone else. And I believe him, I just know he's sad, it's ruining our marriage and I want to fix it. He's not going to tell the truth. I hope its not an affair- I hope its just the daddy blues. Yall are young, he could be mourning his youth. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I hate to agree with some of the other posters but it sure sounds like another woman may be hiding in the shadows. Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 I hate to agree too, I smell something stinky. My first marriage was like yours. Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Sorry, I hate this stuff.....dang it anyway!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author piscesmommy25 Posted July 13, 2010 Author Share Posted July 13, 2010 Wow... I guess I sound a little gullible huh? I believe him because I just thought he never would have time to cheat. But now that I think of it, I guess I shouldn't assume he would be upfront and honest about having someone on the side. It's definitely something I should check into. But idk where to start... Any suggestions? Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Do you have access to his cell phone records? Compare the number of text messages from now to months when things were good. Go to cnet.com and download a key logger- they will give you a free trial. SSPRO is one that comes to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
gobbleguts Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Well, IMO (in my opinion) When something doesn't seem right, it isn't. Listen very closely to your instincts and you'll be amazed at the guidance you have within yourself. A lot of unnecessary pain can be caused by trying to be a Private Investigator. You have a child and you're pregnant. Concentrate on getting that baby out of you and being as healthy as humanly possible right now. Everything else will happen as it should. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 A lot of unnecessary pain can be caused by trying to be a Private Investigator. You have a child and you're pregnant. Concentrate on getting that baby out of you and being as healthy as humanly possible right now. Everything else will happen as it should. I agree with this. For the moment, the hell with hubby. Focus on you, the baby and your other child. First things first. There'll be time enough to figure out the rest of it later. Link to post Share on other sites
just_some_guy Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Please don't be so quick to jump to the conclusions posted on this board. There are LOTS of very hurt people on this board. If someone buys a new pair of socks, there is a whole contingent present who will say it is a sign that "he's got to be cheating!!!!!" It might be so, or it might not. It might be that he's truly having difficulty and feels like separating may give him time to deal with his own issues. The best bet is to GET THE BOTH OF YOU into marriage counseling, NOW. With a child and another on the way, you owe it to your children to make every single effort possible to make things work and keep your family whole. If that means family and individual counseling, giving each other a wide berth within the relationship or whatever, do it. Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 If you wait to find out if he's cheating don't sleep with him, the risk of an std this late in the pregnancy wouldn't be good. Link to post Share on other sites
just_some_guy Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Good grief, this board is full of really messed up people. Forget the keylogger, the playing P.I.. Whether he is cheating or not is not really material. Playing snoop is mentally unhealthy for the snooper. Don't get on that emotional roller coaster in your condition now. Get on the phone, find a licensed family and marriage counselor, make an appointment and go ASAP. It is time to bring in the professional help. Not time to play amateur PI like on some kind of daytime soap opera, nor time to take advice from hurt, paranoid people on some web board. Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 JSG please don't take offense to my comments, but go look at a thread started by a man. A man whose wife maybe be cheating. They are all whores, once a cheater, always a cheater, blah blah blah." A woman in that state of mind" and so on. She is pregnant, if her husband could be cheating on her and if he is still sleeping with her he is putting her child at risk. Even if he wore a condom he could still spread herpes and HPV. If she gets herpes this late in the pregnancy should would have to have a c-section or the child could end up blind. Yes this is the worse case scenario- I don't want to stress her out but to ignore the truth could hurt her. Her mindset may not be any better after the birth due to post partum depression. I've had two children, I'm speaking to the OP as a mother and a wife. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. I hope he isn't cheating but if this were a guy posting about his wife I think the comments from the men would be different. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Now I thought we were fine until out of the blue everything went down hill last month. My husband basically checked out of the marriage. He stopped calling and texting me throughout the day, and he started spending more time with his coworkers and cousins. He also stopped confiding in me. We've always had the type of relationship where we told each other everything, so that's when I noticed something was wrong. You noticed something was wrong because something is wrong. This isn't about your H needing space. The needing space is the biggest con for those who want out of relationships to explore other relationships. He is a grown man with adult responsibilities, has a child and one on the way. Something, or rather someone, is steering him away from you and the children and he is going along for the job. Why? Some men can't handle the stress of having children because they are nothing more than children themselves. How is your H with the 2 year old? How was he when your 1st baby was in utero? Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 PM25- please know I am hurting and my marriage is barely holding on by a string so please take my comments with that disclaimer. I never thought my husband would have had an EA, is was beyond shocked, and he behaved similar to yours. However your husband and my husband are two different men. Like I said before, could be the daddy blues. Best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Something, or rather someone, is steering him away from you and the children and he is going along for the job. Couldn't edit in time, sorry. I meant, going along for the ride, not job. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 Well to TBH I put my reply in because I was the cheater and a person doesn't just check out and want to separate with another child on the way. Just my .02 I would do what is best for you and the baby. Definitely find counseling. He may or may not be cheating. But I find it very suspicious. Link to post Share on other sites
just_some_guy Posted July 13, 2010 Share Posted July 13, 2010 JSG please don't take offense to my comments, but go look at a thread started by a man. A man whose wife maybe be cheating. They are all whores, once a cheater, always a cheater, blah blah blah." A woman in that state of mind" and so on. She is pregnant, if her husband could be cheating on her and if he is still sleeping with her he is putting her child at risk. Even if he wore a condom he could still spread herpes and HPV. If she gets herpes this late in the pregnancy should would have to have a c-section or the child could end up blind. Yes this is the worse case scenario- I don't want to stress her out but to ignore the truth could hurt her. Her mindset may not be any better after the birth due to post partum depression. I've had two children, I'm speaking to the OP as a mother and a wife. I'm sorry if it offends anyone. I hope he isn't cheating but if this were a guy posting about his wife I think the comments from the men would be different. Stop with all the paranoia. The OP needs to get professional, hand's on help, where she is, now. I have indeed said the exact same thing on the "men's threads." It makes no sense to play amateur P.I.. If you think there is cheating, then confront, don't snoop. Put it out there. Say it, be honest about your own feelings of mistrust. Deal with it in the relationship. Snooping is unhealthy for the snooper. It is a way of hiding an honest feeling (worry, mistrust) rather than dealing with it openly and honestly. The OP has already asked him and she believes him. He may simply be dealing with depression of his own. But this is the time to go for help of the professional nature, not listening to the neurotic rantings of hurt people on the internet. Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Stop with all the paranoia. The OP needs to get professional, hand's on help, where she is, now. I have indeed said the exact same thing on the "men's threads." It makes no sense to play amateur P.I.. If you think there is cheating, then confront, don't snoop. Put it out there. Say it, be honest about your own feelings of mistrust. Deal with it in the relationship. Snooping is unhealthy for the snooper. It is a way of hiding an honest feeling (worry, mistrust) rather than dealing with it openly and honestly. The OP has already asked him and she believes him. He may simply be dealing with depression of his own. But this is the time to go for help of the professional nature, not listening to the neurotic rantings of hurt people on the internet. Well the OP is an adult she can take the advice that's going to help her and leave the rest behind. Just like everything else in life. Link to post Share on other sites
spriggig Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Now I thought we were fine until out of the blue everything went down hill last month. My husband basically checked out of the marriage. He stopped calling and texting me throughout the day, and he started spending more time with his coworkers and cousins. He also stopped confiding in me. We've always had the type of relationship where we told each other everything, so that's when I noticed something was wrong. I called him out on it, and he told me that he was unhappy and had been that way for sometime. You trust your husband--he's given you no reason not to. You've been distracted with health issues--unable to pay attention to the little signs that have been there for a while now. And, again you trust him. He said that he still loves me and our son (and the baby on the way) but he feels like he can't give us anymore of him. He would like to be alone, so that he could deal with his issues. So he has mentioned separation, and he thinks that's the only route to go at this point. Does he keep his cell phone with him at all times? Is he texting more than usual? Does he run off into the bathroom or outside to answer the phone, or does he disappear to make phone calls? Has he set the web browser on his computer to not keep a history log? Is his account on the computer now password protected when it wasn't before? In short, is he hiding from you? Does he take pains to explain where he's been and what he's been doing even if you don't ask? Guilty much? Consider the possibility that he is currently having a mostly online emotional affair, and now he wants to take it to the next level--the reason for insisting on the separation. Online affairs provide the illusion that he "doesn't have time" because he comes home from work and is home on the weekends like he always has been. Does he play an online role playing game like World of Warcraft or Lord of the Rings Online? Has his play time increased greatly recently. I'm completely against it because I love him and our life together. We've put off making any sort of decision until after the baby gets here in 9 weeks, but is there anyway we could fix us during that time? Any advice? You love him, trust him and everything you do is for the good of your marriage and family. You're not gullible, no one faults you for trusting your husband. You've posted on a board where many, many of the regulars have been cheated on. We're a suspicious bunch and we know the signs, sometimes we're right--we always hope we're wrong. I smell a rat here too, if you couldn't tell. You need to find out for sure if he is cheating and if so, to what degree. If he is cheating he WILL lie about it--so asking him directly without damning evidence is pointless. To get that evidence you'll have to snoop. Link to post Share on other sites
wrencn Posted July 14, 2010 Share Posted July 14, 2010 Spriggig you have a way with words. You expressed what I felt in a much more constructive way. Link to post Share on other sites
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