LongRecovery Posted June 18, 2010 Share Posted June 18, 2010 Hi All, Well, it has been 2.5 years since the "I need space" blah, blah, and 6 months since I received the divorce document. There was cheating involved, she took the kids, lots of money, half of my pension, etc. It has been taking me forever to recover. My friends have been telling me how well I am doing. I exercise, socialize, have my hobbies, all by the what to do in crisis. Also, reading the Bible, meditating, yoga, you name it. However, I cannot concentrate at work and this is killing me. They cannot really lay me off (secure job), but I feel so bad that I am not performing according to my own expectations. What is your experience in terms of how long it takes to get back to normal. It seems that I can never get to my state when I work without self destructive thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Please clarify...who did the cheating? I am assuming it was her, since she gave the speech. Being a part of a failed relationship can make you feel somewhat of a failure. But, as it's been said many times; it takes two to make a happy marriage, but only one to break it up. If you sincerely loved your wife and didn't want divorce (or if divorce was your only option) then take strength in knowing you're living the circumstance of choice. This is the great risk/reward; the love that feels so good on the way in hurts like hell when its taken away. As for your work situation, take some time to explain to your superiors/co-workers or management just what you're going through and how you feel. In other words, let them in. Trying to keep up the facade of normalcy can be exhausting. When you're not working, look into doing some volunteer work...reading at rest homes, church activities...maybe even a date or two thrown in for balance? But balance is the key; work, play, exercise, social activities. Give of yourself and see if that doesn't pull your mental battle out of the doldrums. There is no time table. Stop worrying that you're 'supposed' to feel better. Who needs the pressure? The harder we loved, the higher the waves. When you lay your head down pray for her. Not as your wife or ex wife, but simply as a person who needs to experience loving kindness. If you haven't let it go, then do so. Just Let It Go. The memories and what-ifs will torture you until you do. Peace brings understanding, then contentment. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Please clarify...who did the cheating? I am assuming it was her, since she gave the speech. Being a part of a failed relationship can make you feel somewhat of a failure. But, as it's been said many times; it takes two to make a happy marriage, but only one to break it up. If you sincerely loved your wife and didn't want divorce (or if divorce was your only option) then take strength in knowing you're living the circumstance of choice. This is the great risk/reward; the love that feels so good on the way in hurts like hell when its taken away. As for your work situation, take some time to explain to your superiors/co-workers or management just what you're going through and how you feel. In other words, let them in. Trying to keep up the facade of normalcy can be exhausting. When you're not working, look into doing some volunteer work...reading at rest homes, church activities...maybe even a date or two thrown in for balance? But balance is the key; work, play, exercise, social activities. Give of yourself and see if that doesn't pull your mental battle out of the doldrums. There is no time table. Stop worrying that you're 'supposed' to feel better. Who needs the pressure? The harder we loved, the higher the waves. When you lay your head down pray for her. Not as your wife or ex wife, but simply as a person who needs to experience loving kindness. If you haven't let it go, then do so. Just Let It Go. The memories and what-ifs will torture you until you do. Peace brings understanding, then contentment. Great post Steadfast. LR, it takes as long as it takes, anything you try to speed it along or force it will just wind up setting you back. Feel what you need to feel, only way to get it out. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongRecovery Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Please clarify...who did the cheating? I am assuming it was her, since she gave the speech. Ex wife As for your work situation, take some time to explain to your superiors/co-workers or management just what you're going through and how you feel. In other words, let them in. Trying to keep up the facade of normalcy can be exhausting. When you're not working, look into doing some volunteer work...reading at rest homes, church activities...maybe even a date or two thrown in for balance? But balance is the key; work, play, exercise, social activities. Give of yourself and see if that doesn't pull your mental battle out of the doldrums. Excellent advice. There is no time table. Stop worrying that you're 'supposed' to feel better. Who needs the pressure? The harder we loved, the higher the waves. Never thought about it this way. I certainly put pressure on myself to get better. I should just let things unfold as they come. When you lay your head down pray for her. Not as your wife or ex wife, but simply as a person who needs to experience loving kindness. If you haven't let it go, then do so. Just Let It Go. The memories and what-ifs will torture you until you do. Peace brings understanding, then contentment. I have let her go, no problem. I should pray for her perhaps. Very good suggestions!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongRecovery Posted June 19, 2010 Author Share Posted June 19, 2010 Great post Steadfast. LR, it takes as long as it takes, anything you try to speed it along or force it will just wind up setting you back. Feel what you need to feel, only way to get it out. TOJAZ Sure, I have been trying to force it. I will listen to you both: I will just not force things anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
Major Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Long Recovery...I hear ya...but what are you truly recieving into your spirit? You can read all this stuff, etc., however, what is really being channeled with you emotionally and mentally because that's the only way we change our subconscious and conscious. We can do all of the surface level things (trust me, I know. I was married 15 years, and been divorced for 3), however, the work must be done internally first. You are still talking about what happened and what she did, so I am concerned that those feelings of betrayal are still there. Also, when you are acted upon and not the one doing the acting, there was probably still love there. It's ok to listen to what others say....even me (lol!) but what do you say? These feelings don't just happen...they are created from what you feel deeply. I would only suggest...and only suggest, that you stop doing the surface things until you are truly ready. Not meaning to stay in your drudgery, however, I took a year to really get adjusted and love being myself and love who I am apart from a relationship and I truly enjoyed getting to know me. I started making sure that in every area, physically, financially, and spiritually that my cup was full and that I had so much to offer others that dating again was a joy! Only you can answer your question and only you can really answer it truthfully. All of the social outings are great, but are you ready? I mean truly? Love yourself as you are and make sure you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
Major Posted June 19, 2010 Share Posted June 19, 2010 Long Recovery...I hear ya...but what are you truly recieving into your spirit? You can read all this stuff, etc., however, what is really being channeled with you emotionally and mentally because that's the only way we change our subconscious and conscious. We can do all of the surface level things (trust me, I know. I was married 15 years, and been divorced for 3), however, the work must be done internally first. You are still talking about what happened and what she did, so I am concerned that those feelings of betrayal are still there. Also, when you are acted upon and not the one doing the acting, there was probably still love there. It's ok to listen to what others say....even me (lol!) but what do you say? These feelings don't just happen...they are created from what you feel deeply. I would only suggest...and only suggest, that you stop doing the surface things until you are truly ready. Not meaning to stay in your drudgery, however, I took a year to really get adjusted and love being myself and love who I am apart from a relationship and I truly enjoyed getting to know me. I started making sure that in every area, physically, financially, and spiritually that my cup was full and that I had so much to offer others that dating again was a joy! Only you can answer your question and only you can really answer it truthfully. All of the social outings are great, but are you ready? I mean truly? Love yourself as you are and make sure you are ready. You have to create a "new" normal. Your life has changed. That's ok. That just means you can make it more of what you want. Don't try to create what was, create what it can be and how you want it to be:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author LongRecovery Posted June 20, 2010 Author Share Posted June 20, 2010 Long Recovery...I hear ya...but what are you truly recieving into your spirit? You can read all this stuff, etc., however, what is really being channeled with you emotionally and mentally because that's the only way we change our subconscious and conscious. We can do all of the surface level things (trust me, I know. I was married 15 years, and been divorced for 3), however, the work must be done internally first. You are still talking about what happened and what she did, so I am concerned that those feelings of betrayal are still there. Also, when you are acted upon and not the one doing the acting, there was probably still love there. This is insightful. Yes, I am talking about what happened with friends but less and less, and trying to stop completely. There are feelings of betrayal, yes. What do you mean by "the work must be done internally first". It's ok to listen to what others say....even me (lol!) but what do you say? These feelings don't just happen...they are created from what you feel deeply. I would only suggest...and only suggest, that you stop doing the surface things until you are truly ready. Not meaning to stay in your drudgery, however, I took a year to really get adjusted and love being myself and love who I am apart from a relationship and I truly enjoyed getting to know me. I started making sure that in every area, physically, financially, and spiritually that my cup was full and that I had so much to offer others that dating again was a joy! I am having difficulties loving myself, but getting better at it. I am also trying to make sure that in every area I am doing well. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts