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You Go Girl

So it's official. Divorce. I'm moving out in a few weeks. We've been fence sitting, living as roommates only for 14 months, sleeping separately. We've been working on this divorce for most of our marriage.

There's no reconciliation coming.

I'm excited, scared, happy, not sad, yet sad for people and places I will lose permanently.

Butterflies in my stomach.

And suddenly, with this decision, my inability to act has vanished! I couldn't understand why I was sabotaging my finances and my business. Suddenly, after this decision being made, I'm all motivated and excited to clean up my finances and go at my business, because I know I will be a success.

I am looking forward to many things that I haven't engaged in over the course of this codependency and anger issues on my side.

I'm feeling good about living alone. I think I'll be fine!

Why was it so hard to find these feelings?

Btw, he pushed me over this cliff. He insisted upon it. Why wouldn't I act, why did I wait until he did?

This is going to be good. I will be able to forgive him. We were a match with locking horns. Something toxic in the combination of the two of us. Maybe two stubborn people, both with a lot of pride.

But I don't even care to analyze anymore, just said the above for you reader's understanding.

I wanted out, but I don't know why I was wimpy about it. That, does, need scrutiny.

I feel good today! I felt good yesterday! I have a reason to smile! I locked myself down in this relationship and just couldn't let go thinking two intelligent people could work it out if only they wanted to...pfffffft!

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Hi

 

Why did you wait so long? Well, just my take, but you loved this man enough to marry him, things may have gone downhill over time, but you DID love him once, that's why. Two people can work it out if they are both willing? Again, yes, IF they are both willing, you loved each other enough to marry, once you got on enough to make the decision to spend the rest of your lives togther, so yes, two people who are both willing can work it out, IF they are both willing. I firmly beleive that. Unfortunately I wasn't even given a chance to work on anything, didn't even know anything was wrong, probably b/c it wasn't!

 

All the best to you I hope you find what you are looking for.

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You Go Girl
Hi

 

Why did you wait so long? Well, just my take, but you loved this man enough to marry him, things may have gone downhill over time, but you DID love him once, that's why. Two people can work it out if they are both willing? Again, yes, IF they are both willing, you loved each other enough to marry, once you got on enough to make the decision to spend the rest of your lives togther, so yes, two people who are both willing can work it out, IF they are both willing. I firmly beleive that. Unfortunately I wasn't even given a chance to work on anything, didn't even know anything was wrong, probably b/c it wasn't!

 

All the best to you I hope you find what you are looking for.

 

You're right. I have wanted this, but ONLY because he refuses to address issues, and instead lies. His message has been clear: I will not change, take it or leave it. So that clearly means I didn't really want this at all. He wasn't willing.

That makes him appear so cold. But what he has always done is barter. I won't change this, but look how spectacular I am in these other ways. Well I don't work that way. Issues must be addressed.

I am just stunned that it's taken 5+ years, without any change, to move on.

I know you didn't know anything was wrong Lisa, I'm sorry about that for you, how unfair!

Your guy was committment phobic.

Finding what I'm looking for--I hope so too. But you know what? It's not so important to find what I'm looking for, as to enjoy the different people I find along my way, and MOVE ON when it's not working.

The stress strain and pain of staying when it wasn't working was my personal hell.

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trippi1432

YGG - You know...I said I wasn't coming back on here..but girl....jeez....Gunny sent you an email to get up with me at....use it please. Check your PM's.

 

Kick me if you want Tony....I'm outta here anyways......

 

If nothing [email protected] it.

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You Go Girl

Thanks Trippi--I'll email you tomorrow. You didn't have to make it public!

 

2 days without a wedding ring on.

2 men have asked me out since then, no joke.

Guess I'm not all washed up?

I turned them down. One asked if in awhile, when I'm ready, I'd go for coffee.

I don't know what it is, but being in a marriage and feeling bad about ourselves, our self-esteem shot, I never thought someone would ask me out ever again!

As in, I must be ugly or flawed horribly. I feel a 100 years old. I think after the stress, I look 100 years old too.

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You Go Girl

What is it about LS that the men's threads get so much more attention and response?

Is my thread that boring? lol

 

Ok. The 800 lb. gorilla in the room is H's ego.

2 days ago he threatens me that he is going to make me miserable.

Last night, heavily intoxicated, he hints he wants reconcilation.

Today he says, either reconciliation, amicable, or war.

I ask what is war because that sounds threatening. He gets pissed I even ask.

I tell him reconciliation would be dredging up old stuff, that the issues were spelled out 5 years ago, that nothing has been fixed.

Amicable--he's generous and offers more in settlement than what I ask for.

But, I must be completely gone and that he doesn't want to see me ever again.

So he wants to stay married, or never see me again. See what I mean about ego?

I don't think I can try again even though I feel badly about being the one who is giving up.

I just think I'll never get that 800 lb. gorilla out of the room, and that gorilla is the one who has the addictions, drinks, and is arrogant.

So, tomorrow could be the last day I ever see him again in my life. And yeah, I'm a little anxious.

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trippi1432
What is it about LS that the men's threads get so much more attention and response?

Is my thread that boring? lol

 

Ok. The 800 lb. gorilla in the room is H's ego.

2 days ago he threatens me that he is going to make me miserable.

Last night, heavily intoxicated, he hints he wants reconcilation.

Today he says, either reconciliation, amicable, or war.

I ask what is war because that sounds threatening. He gets pissed I even ask.

I tell him reconciliation would be dredging up old stuff, that the issues were spelled out 5 years ago, that nothing has been fixed.

Amicable--he's generous and offers more in settlement than what I ask for.

But, I must be completely gone and that he doesn't want to see me ever again.

So he wants to stay married, or never see me again. See what I mean about ego?

I don't think I can try again even though I feel badly about being the one who is giving up.

I just think I'll never get that 800 lb. gorilla out of the room, and that gorilla is the one who has the addictions, drinks, and is arrogant.

So, tomorrow could be the last day I ever see him again in my life. And yeah, I'm a little anxious.

 

Hey YGG - People prefer to hear the details I guess and, the men may be considering you the WAS...although from what I am understanding, 14 months of you on the couch....I would say that you have suffered enough.

 

This man has a plethora of problems and is making them out to be you. If he cannot even sit down in a room with you and have a serious discussion about where his addictions have lead your marriage and what your "true" role should be in those. There is a time to consider when the person you were marrying truly was the person you were marrying and when they have become someone you do not even recognize anymore.

 

Unless he has some medical conditions that make him this way (true ones like mania, bipolar....a sickness that is not their fault but he could be treated for), I would say run for the nearest hills and be glad to never see him again. Notice that he can only speak of reconciliation when he is intoxicated....that itself speaks of a man who has codependency issues right there.

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hopesndreams

What is it about LS that the men's threads get so much more attention and response?

Is my thread that boring? lol

Men are more open and you can literally hear their heart break. Women are tougher emotionally, it's part of our nature.

 

If your done with your M you're done. He still wants to try. You've kept him in limbo while you got your head together. His desperation is showing.

 

I agree with your H.

 

But, I must be completely gone and that he doesn't want to see me ever again.

So he wants to stay married, or never see me again.

 

See what I mean about ego?

 

Whose ego?

 

Amicable--he's generous and offers more in settlement than what I ask for.

 

That's nice.

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You Go Girl
What is it about LS that the men's threads get so much more attention and response?

Is my thread that boring? lol

 

Men are more open and you can literally hear their heart break. Women are tougher emotionally, it's part of our nature.

 

If your done with your M you're done. He still wants to try. You've kept him in limbo while you got your head together. His desperation is showing.

 

I agree with your H.

 

But, I must be completely gone and that he doesn't want to see me ever again.

So he wants to stay married, or never see me again.

 

See what I mean about ego?

 

 

Whose ego?

 

Amicable--he's generous and offers more in settlement than what I ask for.

 

That's nice.

 

His ego. The threat of never seeing him again. The threat two days ago to make me miserable. The threat a year ago to kill me.

Yeah, he says he still wants to try. After 5 years of him knowing what needed to change, and nothing did.

What he wants is status quo.

It's true, men come here and I can hear their hearts break. Maybe my thread sounds cold comparatively.

I've been through hell and back. I sound tough now, because I didn't just find out yesterday, I found out five years ago.

I'm hurting badly. It makes me sick to my stomach. I said that his settlement was more than I was asking for because I am fair. I am not going to just post on here the awful things he has done, and ignore or not post the good things. Generosity has always been one of his strong points.

But then, I was going to go from a 6 figure income to my little cottage that the water well pump isn't working, without money, without food, without internet, without...the list goes on.

I asked for very little, I am receiving more than that.

Ok, we can go to never seeing each other again. It's a mean thing to say to a person though.

I'm hurting too.

Mostly I feel used up, exhausted. The 800 lb gorilla ego is still in the house. I'd love to see him without it.

I guess maybe you don't know what it is like to have someone around who's ego is so big it takes up 3/4 of the room.

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You Go Girl
Hey YGG - People prefer to hear the details I guess and, the men may be considering you the WAS...although from what I am understanding, 14 months of you on the couch....I would say that you have suffered enough.

 

This man has a plethora of problems and is making them out to be you. If he cannot even sit down in a room with you and have a serious discussion about where his addictions have lead your marriage and what your "true" role should be in those. There is a time to consider when the person you were marrying truly was the person you were marrying and when they have become someone you do not even recognize anymore.

 

Unless he has some medical conditions that make him this way (true ones like mania, bipolar....a sickness that is not their fault but he could be treated for), I would say run for the nearest hills and be glad to never see him again. Notice that he can only speak of reconciliation when he is intoxicated....that itself speaks of a man who has codependency issues right there.

 

You get it Trippi.

He never brings up his addictions. He just sat in a chair this morning several feet from me, and TOLD me how it could go down, a, b, or c. He only expresses both his want to reconcile, and his anger, when he has been drinking.

Having a level headed discussion on relationships, marriage, what they entail, what is conflict resolution...and the request from me that we get a marriage counselor over a year ago that went unanswered. Meanwhile, the liquor bottles pile up. Nothing is ever discussed when sober. I have told him on many occasions that I refuse to have a serious discussion when he is intoxicated. He has never even tried.

He is hard, tough, and a giant ego, yet a crying side that when surfaces scares me just as much. Think of Tony Soprano.

I think I made a breakthrough today in understanding him though. He was severely traumatized as a child. That 800 lb gorilla was created out of necessity at that time. The problem is that it is still around.

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hopesndreams

I guess maybe you don't know what it is like to have someone around who's ego is so big it takes up 3/4 of the room.

 

Ha, ha...Oh yes I do!! I loved him in spite of it. My choice.

 

Get yourself off to that cabin. Get internet hookup first though, that's most important! lol

 

I know you're hurting and I know you've suffered. It's just all the time you took to get to the point you are at now that kinda throws me.

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You Go Girl
I guess maybe you don't know what it is like to have someone around who's ego is so big it takes up 3/4 of the room.

 

Ha, ha...Oh yes I do!! I loved him in spite of it. My choice.

 

Get yourself off to that cabin. Get internet hookup first though, that's most important! lol

 

I know you're hurting and I know you've suffered. It's just all the time you took to get to the point you are at now that kinda throws me.

 

Throws me too.

Codependents are experts at it--taking years to make any progress.

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LittleTiger

Hi YGG. With my divorce final in a few weeks I don't often check out this section these days. I no longer have any emotions concerning the break up and I am looking forward to my freedom. However, when I read your magnificent post on 'older women' under the marriage section and you mentioned the removal of your wedding ring, I figured there had to be an update somewhere - and here it is!

 

If this seems a strange thing to say, I apologise, but I am really happy for you. :bunny: You've been stuck for so long, and I know it's been tough but this is a whole new beginning and that is so exciting.

 

My situation was nothing like yours but there is one parallel. I was unhappy for a long time and I put up with a lot that I shouldn't have. I don't know why either, but for some reason it took forever and a damn good shove from my husband before it was finally over. Maybe we're just particularly tenacious women and we don't give up until somebody else pulls the plug - an admirable quality I think ;).

 

The great thing is your life can now move forward. Don't let anything your husband says stand in your way. He's just playing games and trying to control you. He's given you the option to go and he's has therefore set you free. Don't let him play with your head. Jump girl - jump high and jump long. He's history.

 

I won't pretend that being on your own isn't tough to start with but you're a strong woman and you will survive, more than survive, you will thrive. :)

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You Go Girl
What are you going to miss about him most?

 

Honestly, maybe the very thing I want to get away from. The audacity, the sheer magnitude of his ego.

It sure was something to watch in action.

lol

And painful to watch too.

Not even thinking of myself, but when it was standing in his own way.

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You Go Girl
Hi YGG. With my divorce final in a few weeks I don't often check out this section these days. I no longer have any emotions concerning the break up and I am looking forward to my freedom. However, when I read your magnificent post on 'older women' under the marriage section and you mentioned the removal of your wedding ring, I figured there had to be an update somewhere - and here it is!

 

If this seems a strange thing to say, I apologise, but I am really happy for you. :bunny: You've been stuck for so long, and I know it's been tough but this is a whole new beginning and that is so exciting.

 

My situation was nothing like yours but there is one parallel. I was unhappy for a long time and I put up with a lot that I shouldn't have. I don't know why either, but for some reason it took forever and a damn good shove from my husband before it was finally over. Maybe we're just particularly tenacious women and we don't give up until somebody else pulls the plug - an admirable quality I think ;).

 

The great thing is your life can now move forward. Don't let anything your husband says stand in your way. He's just playing games and trying to control you. He's given you the option to go and he's has therefore set you free. Don't let him play with your head. Jump girl - jump high and jump long. He's history.

 

I won't pretend that being on your own isn't tough to start with but you're a strong woman and you will survive, more than survive, you will thrive. :)

 

Hey little tiger--thanks for the confidence in me.

Tenacious--or is it I won't give up! lol

I refuse to lose!

There's no way I can win this battle and come out ahead!

You're right. The door is open and I need to walk out of it. If I stay, given that I have less than 24 hours to make such a decision, in six months I'll be calling myself stupid and hanging a noose from the rafters.

Ok, I admit I haven't thought about suicide much in my life. I didn't mean it in a literal sense.

Hopes question had me. What would I miss the most? I stared at my computer screen, played a game of solitaire, listened to a few songs, and I still wasn't sure I knew the answer.

I'm hiding and hanging out here today, in this little office, because the tension could cut the air like a knife, and tomorrow he leaves for a trip and then we 'never see each other again' his words.

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trippi1432
Honestly, maybe the very thing I want to get away from. The audacity, the sheer magnitude of his ego.

It sure was something to watch in action.

lol

And painful to watch too.

Not even thinking of myself, but when it was standing in his own way.

 

Well, YGG - just as a warning based on the removal of the ring and being hit on, just be careful. The last thing you need is another heartache after not knowing love for so long.

 

I spent too many years of love meaning, get me a beer, can I have some money, quick hug....let's go have some sex....lol!!

 

(Thinking of the male sex threads out there...hormones running amok!! LOL)

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LittleTiger
Hey little tiger--thanks for the confidence in me.

Tenacious--or is it I won't give up! lol

I refuse to lose!

There's no way I can win this battle and come out ahead!

You're right. The door is open and I need to walk out of it. If I stay, given that I have less than 24 hours to make such a decision, in six months I'll be calling myself stupid and hanging a noose from the rafters.

Ok, I admit I haven't thought about suicide much in my life. I didn't mean it in a literal sense.

Hopes question had me. What would I miss the most? I stared at my computer screen, played a game of solitaire, listened to a few songs, and I still wasn't sure I knew the answer.

I'm hiding and hanging out here today, in this little office, because the tension could cut the air like a knife, and tomorrow he leaves for a trip and then we 'never see each other again' his words.

 

OK, well I don't know if this helps, but the 'bad' thing my husband did, which I still struggle to forgive him for, was to keep giving me hope when there really was none. With hindsight I know I was just hanging on for dear life because I'd been with him so long I couldn't imagine a life without him. When he finally admitted that he wanted out, he said, 'I could be doing you a favour!'. At which I nearly choked!

 

But guess what - you know where I am now, you've read a lot of my posts - he did me the biggest favour ever! By ending our marriage, when I probably never would have, he set me free to make a new life - and look at the man I found. He's 10x better for me than my husband was, and my husband is essentially a good man. I'm not sure if I believe in fate, but if such a thing exists, it timed things for me and my man perfectly. If my marriage hadn't ended exactly when it did we would never have met.

 

I see a lot of parallels in our personalities YGG. I never give up either because I hate to lose. The thing is we have to learn that sometimes letting enables us to win not lose. If you don't end this now you will be in the same place, or worse, in six months time and no, you won't be contemplating harming yourself because your LS friends will help you through BUT do you want to waste another six months of your life?

 

You may miss your husband to begin with, and yes of course it will hurt like hell. He says you'll never see him again but he doesn't really know that and neither do you. In six months, a year or possibly a little longer you probably won't care anyway.

 

One of the things that got me through the early stages was focusing on myself and my future. I wouldn't bother thinking about the past or what you'll miss. When you're feeling bad, think about the things you won't miss, the reasons why the marriage is ending. I know there are a lot of people who will give you the 'this marriage could be saved' line but, honestly, how much more can you take? A marriage can only be saved if both people are prepared to work on it and make significant changes. Your husband clearly isn't or he would have done something by now.

 

Yes I have confidence in you. I got through it - so will you. :)

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ComputerJock

I use to not believe in divorce, but since being on LS I'm not sure I believe in marriage. Any one else go through that thought process?

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trippi1432
I use to not believe in divorce, but since being on LS I'm not sure I believe in marriage. Any one else go through that thought process?

 

 

I used to believe in marriage until my ex's tenth infidelity approached me, now I just look at it as if until your infidelity tears us apart.

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AmeliaApple

How long were each of you in your relationships before you ended them and how did you know it was time to end it? My husband and I are currently in marriage counseling, but I'm questioning what I am really hoping to get out of it. Luckily...he is away this summer so it's as if I have three months of separation. I'm trying to use this time to really clear my head and figure this out. I'm not sure it's the right thing to have some type of "time line" established, but I don't want to let it go on forever. Life is too short. After going to counseling, I realized that I've been considering our relationship's health for about 1.5 years prior to going into counseling six months ago. I know that my history with relationships is that I have a tendency to hold on to some of the same sentiments that are resonating here. We are both intelligent and love each other, so why can't we figure this out? I don't want to realize 5 years down the road that we should have cut our losses when we should have.

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And suddenly, with this decision, my inability to act has vanished! I couldn't understand why I was sabotaging my finances and my business. Suddenly, after this decision being made, I'm all motivated and excited to clean up my finances and go at my business, because I know I will be a success.

 

Becuse your mind was focused upon your marriage and the troubles in your marriage, wheather to stay or leave, how to fix it? Should you even try to fix it, and now that you're off the so-called fence, your mind is free to concentrate upon those thngs that your passionate about. And that bring job and happiness to your life.

 

Your mind is always at work concentrating on your problems and issues at hand. Even in your sleep.

 

For instance I awoke from a very vivid dream this morning about my XHEX and marriage ~ and the message came through very clearly ~ "There's no fixing this! Move on!"

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It's great to hear such a once independent woman find her independency again. I am so happy for you, and wish you only the best, whatever that may be. It's refreshing to hear a good post about D, because you only seem to hear the bad things. Good for you!!!!!!!!!!:D:D:D:D

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You Go Girl

Trippi-no worries about dating! lol

Remember my very short and concise list? One of the guys said that Fox news was the most objective news out there. Ummm...check him off the list lol

I did say that being *grounded* was one of two things on my very short list. :D

besides, I don't have much to give right now. Nothing past friendship I don't think. One demand or request I don't want to follow through on, and I'll be gone. I know I have almost nothing to give. It's just not in me right now. It is going to have to be all about me time. Anything else, and it would be a disaster.

tnttim--Thank-you!

I soooooooooooo needed to be reminded of that. Seriously, really!

 

Update: 2 hours left. He's asleep on the couch because he had some sauce this morning and needs a nap before he goes.

He reneged on the generous deal in the papers he handed me last night. Online do it yourself. haha...I knew it! Doesn't matter, even if this one thing will be hanging over my head for the next year. I knew he would do exactly as he is with this vacant piece of property that is worthless to him, only I have a reason to have it. Whatever!

I am so glad that today I feel much better. Yesterday I was second guessing myself. Today I'm nervous, but nowhere near even crazy enough to reconsider.

It's creepy to have someone lie to you repeatedly for years and never come clean. Very creepy.

Control is almost over!

I started to tear up, then a song came on that gave me strength. Songs can really do some good...I never read that song thread, too long!

but as soon as he's gone, I'm playing music LOUD.

Gunny--you may be right. I think too it was the depression of the whole thing. Maybe in time I'll understand just why I sabotaged myself so badly. But, I've stopped doing it, and I know it won't happen anymore.

Ah, to wake up in my cottage, the sun shining, summer days, swimming in the lake. (the winter will be hell without a 4 wheel drive I'll be stuck all the time)

Nobody controlling my communications like war, lol my phone, my internet, my food, my anything--all under my control.

He left my first anniversary card to him on the table sitting out. Guilt trip?

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You Go Girl
I see a lot of parallels in our personalities YGG. I never give up either because I hate to lose. The thing is we have to learn that sometimes letting enables us to win not lose. If you don't end this now you will be in the same place, or worse, in six months time and no, you won't be contemplating harming yourself because your LS friends will help you through BUT do you want to waste another six months of your life?

 

One of the things that got me through the early stages was focusing on myself and my future. I wouldn't bother thinking about the past or what you'll miss. When you're feeling bad, think about the things you won't miss, the reasons why the marriage is ending. I know there are a lot of people who will give you the 'this marriage could be saved' line but, honestly, how much more can you take? A marriage can only be saved if both people are prepared to work on it and make significant changes. Your husband clearly isn't or he would have done something by now.

 

Yes I have confidence in you. I got through it - so will you. :)

 

Yesterday I was very ANGRY. He reneged on everything. Maybe he just was too depressed to carry it all out, maybe he was hoping I would reconsider, maybe he wants to sort out the agreement and make sure he still comes out ahead as much as possible (he certainly is!), or...more likely...he is reneging to throw me off balance. Show me how powerful he is. Toy with me. Yep, it could be a combination of all of the above.

 

So I plugged 'anger' into google. Just that one simple word. I know I can have a raging temper when I'm lied to, or manipulated. It's not a temper that arises from simple things in life, although drivers used to get to me--and I've gotten over that.

This is an excellent website. I think I'll start a thread for this topic alone. (and for those who don't reply on this thread).

He probably wants the next week (he's away) to think up other manuevers, either to save it, or seek revenge.

One thing though, he knows I am completely serious. He just wouldn't listen all the times I was serious in the past.

 

Tiger--you're right on about the missing him stuff. I've been angry for so much of this marriage--5 of the 6 years--what could there be to miss? The anger? I think not. If one wants to get angry, there's always a perceived scapegoat around, so that's easily replaced should I be addicted to being angry after being angry for so many stinkin' years.

 

Starting to box things up today.

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