Taking care of ourselves

[trippi1432]

We cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings. It's impossible; the two acts contradict.

 

What a tremendous asset to have compassion for others! How difficult that same quality can make it to set boundaries!

 

It's good to care about other people and their feelings; it's essential to care about ourselves too. Sometimes, to take good care of ourselves, we need to make a choice.

 

Some of us live with a deeply ingrained message from our family, or from church, about never hurting other people's feelings. we can replace that message with a new one, one that says it's not okay to hurt ourselves. Sometimes, when we take care of ourselves, others will react with hurt feelings.

 

That's okay. We will learn, grow, and benefit by the experience; they will too. the most powerful and positive impact we can have on other people is accomplished by taking responsibility for ourselves, and allowing others to be responsible for themselves.

 

Caring works. Care-taking doesn't. We can learn to walk the line between the two.

 

Today, I will set the limits I need to set. I will let go of my need to take care of other people's feelings and instead take care of my own. I will give myself permission to take care of myself, knowing it's the best thing I can do for myself and others. (Beattie, 1990)

 

Source: Beattie, M. (1990). Taking Care of Ourselves. In M. Beattie, The Language of Letting Go, Daily Meditations on Codependency (p. 67). Center City: Hazelden.

Edited May 3, 2010 by trippi1432
Typos

[ADF]

I'm sorry, maybe I am misunderstanding you. But are you suggesting that people aren't self-centered ENOUGH? I rather think people more often have the opposite problem.

[pillowtalk]

Agreed (with original post). And if you want/need to take care of others, you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself first. Like the oxygen mask in the airplane - you're instructed to put yours on yourself before assisting the the child/person next to you with theirs.

 

Also, taking care of yourself includes not just your feelings, but your health - nutrition, fitness, relaxation, therapy, meditation... whatever it takes.

[trippi1432]

I'm sorry, maybe I am misunderstanding you. But are you suggesting that people aren't self-centered ENOUGH? I rather think people more often have the opposite problem.

 

Actually, the message is to be inferred to as being co-dependent, not about the self-centered actions of a cheating spouse. It's about being so dependent on that person being in your life that you don't know how to function without them.

 

This is not intended for those who walk-away, it is intended for the ones left behind. It's about learning how to take care of yourself, your needs and that is okay to do that.

 

Just as an example, I'm on leave from my job due to stress....the stress that wore me down was always taking on too much....doing too much, taking on one more project or assignment until I came home exhausted and didn't have time for my family. Other people were leaving at 4:30, chatting about their great vacations, going to the lake...etc. No work/life balance because I was the only one who they trusted to get the task done. In this case, my perspective is that it is okay to say no, set a boundary and demand to have the same work/life balance as my peers.

 

Same thing can be said about living with an alcoholic. When you become their enabler and take care of them all the time, who is taking care of you while you take care of them. Taking care of ourselves helps us to take care of others....not about being self-centered, but setting limits on what you can and can't handle.

[trippi1432]

Agreed (with original post). And if you want/need to take care of others, you need to make sure you're taking care of yourself first. Like the oxygen mask in the airplane - you're instructed to put yours on yourself before assisting the the child/person next to you with theirs.

 

Also, taking care of yourself includes not just your feelings, but your health - nutrition, fitness, relaxation, therapy, meditation... whatever it takes.

 

Great examples Pillowtalk, thank you. :)

[You Go Girl]

High functioning alcoholics take care of themselves. They just don't take care of your emotions, or needs.

Which leaves you hiding out somewhere wondering what the hell is wrong with you. All you know is that their drinking makes you uncomfortable and nervous...

until you finally connect the dots on their narcisstic self-loathing. Yeah, such a combination exists.

[trippi1432]

High functioning alcoholics take care of themselves. They just don't take care of your emotions, or needs.

Which leaves you hiding out somewhere wondering what the hell is wrong with you. All you know is that their drinking makes you uncomfortable and nervous...

until you finally connect the dots on their narcisstic self-loathing. Yeah, such a combination exists.

 

Yes, co-dependency can range from work life, alcoholism, gambling, narcisism, abandonment, mental and physical abuse and even sexual abuse. While high-functioning alcoholics may be able to take care of themselves, black-out alcoholics cannot (which is a good thing that my ex has stopped drinking, I can say that I give him kudos for that).

[just_some_guy]

I needed to read this today.

 

I must let go.

 

I must set boundaries.

 

It is so hard sometimes, when some one is in so much pain and need, to draw the line. Or to even exactly know where the line is supposed to be.

 

At least I finished eating breakfast, took a shower, got dressed and drove over slowly.

 

The rest of the day, I shut off the phone, the computer and everything else and just had a "me" afternoon.

[trippi1432]

I needed to read this today.

 

I must let go.

 

I must set boundaries.

 

It is so hard sometimes, when some one is in so much pain and need, to draw the line. Or to even exactly know where the line is supposed to be.

 

At least I finished eating breakfast, took a shower, got dressed and drove over slowly.

 

The rest of the day, I shut off the phone, the computer and everything else and just had a "me" afternoon.

 

:bunny::bunny: GOOD FOR YOU!!!! That is a boundary!!

[trippi1432]

My current boundaries:

 

1. DS is staying with me until Wednesday, if he doesn't comply and get out of bed for school when I ask him to, he will go straight back to his father's house and not be allowed to spend another school night with me.

 

2. I will take this leave of absence from work and not go back until I know that I am better and can handle the stress and get work/life balance. (Amazingly, I have a very strong support force at work that agrees with me on this.)

 

3. When I go back to work, I WILL ONLY work a 7.5 hour workday, will not take lunch at my desk and WILL NOT take my work home with me.

 

4. I will quit being angry with my STBXH that he has been able to move on and do better for himself. I'm proud that he has become a better person from all of this.

 

I know these sound more like goals than boundaries, but the affirmations for me create boundaries for my relationship with my son, workload, and my mental and emotional health.

[PWSX3]

Boundaries are not something we put on others, boundaries are what we use to protect us.

 

I took a class on boundaries, based off the book by Henry Cloud & I have to say when I first started the book I thought it was things I was going to do to others, but I learned it's about us.

 

Example, you live with a drunk, you can't tell him or make him stop, but you can tell him if you are going to drink around me, then I have no choice but to leave. So your boundary is not making that person stop but to not let them effect you & what you believe.

 

My problem is respecting "others" boundaries & that's what I'm working on.

[You Go Girl]

My current boundaries:

 

1. DS is staying with me until Wednesday, if he doesn't comply and get out of bed for school when I ask him to, he will go straight back to his father's house and not be allowed to spend another school night with me.

 

2. I will take this leave of absence from work and not go back until I know that I am better and can handle the stress and get work/life balance. (Amazingly, I have a very strong support force at work that agrees with me on this.)

 

3. When I go back to work, I WILL ONLY work a 7.5 hour workday, will not take lunch at my desk and WILL NOT take my work home with me.

 

4. I will quit being angry with my STBXH that he has been able to move on and do better for himself. I'm proud that he has become a better person from all of this.

 

I know these sound more like goals than boundaries, but the affirmations for me create boundaries for my relationship with my son, workload, and my mental and emotional health.

 

Well those do sound more like goals than boundaries. The first one--that's a boundary, definitely. How old is he? A young one, I'd yank back the curtains and covers if need be, I'd do the same with a teenager unless he sleeps in the buff.

YOU'RE the parent. Never let the kid forget it.<-- Now that's a boundary, because it works in many different situations, and isn't temporary nor relative to only a specific scenario.

The long work day without a break--I guess the goal is to get out of the half an hour earlier. Try it for awhile, and see if you do need that break emotionally. It's not really a boundary, it's a goal to shorten the workday?

A work boundary is more like: I will take on no responsibility without authority. In otherwords: I won't be a patsy.

As for the stbx, I'm sure you are setting new boundaries with any contact you have with him. As alcoholics are selfish manipulators, the behavior doesn't go away as soon as they put the bottle down. Expect and be on the lookout for the sick side to continue to rear its ugly head for some years to come, although diminishing over time if he is successful at keeping the bottle at bay.

The boundary is: I will no longer trust you with my life nor heart, nor farther than I can throw you.

[44caliberloveletter]

44caliberloveletter likes this thread.

[trippi1432]

Well those do sound more like goals than boundaries. The first one--that's a boundary, definitely. How old is he? A young one, I'd yank back the curtains and covers if need be, I'd do the same with a teenager unless he sleeps in the buff.

YOU'RE the parent. Never let the kid forget it.<-- Now that's a boundary, because it works in many different situations, and isn't temporary nor relative to only a specific scenario.

The long work day without a break--I guess the goal is to get out of the half an hour earlier. Try it for awhile, and see if you do need that break emotionally. It's not really a boundary, it's a goal to shorten the workday?

A work boundary is more like: I will take on no responsibility without authority. In otherwords: I won't be a patsy.

As for the stbx, I'm sure you are setting new boundaries with any contact you have with him. As alcoholics are selfish manipulators, the behavior doesn't go away as soon as they put the bottle down. Expect and be on the lookout for the sick side to continue to rear its ugly head for some years to come, although diminishing over time if he is successful at keeping the bottle at bay.

The boundary is: I will no longer trust you with my life nor heart, nor farther than I can throw you.

 

I guess some do sound like goals in a way, but the work thing, the boundaries would be not doing others work for them when they are fully capable of doing it for themselves. I think that this will be an very easy boundary to fix now.

 

Truth is, I cause the bad things to happen in my life...I'm like a magnet for it...for the heartache, for the feelings of worthlessness because I internalize every judgement, every criticism and I think that I am supposed to fix it somehow...I can't....just can't...and I have to admit failure. That's hard for me. For the largest majority of my life, I have had to be the one to rely on me.....and I'm just so tired of shouldering that. I would say to draw a boundary there, but how can you? I ask for the hell I get, be it either bad choices, poor decisions or lack of communication.

 

Today, I just give up....there is nothing much left worth fighting for.

[just_some_guy]

... for the feelings of worthlessness because I internalize every judgement, every criticism and I think that I am supposed to fix it somehow...I can't....just can't...and I have to admit failure. That's hard for me.

 

I completely identify with that.

 

I had a visit with a therapist recently and came to understand the critic voice inside of me. I grew up with people that would hurt me sometimes physically and just about all the time verbally. I internalized that voice that tore me down and tore me down as a kid. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for my folks, and internally, it was never good enough for me.

 

At times I thought that the critic voice helped me sometimes, to try harder, to get moving when I felt lazy. But no, it doesn't. It is just destruction.

 

For the largest majority of my life, I have had to be the one to rely on me.....and I'm just so tired of shouldering that. I would say to draw a boundary there, but how can you?

 

That's me too. The "good son" the "good husband", always there, always reliable, always the one everyone counts on when everything hits the fan.

 

I'm so tired of it myself. It wears me out. It is time for me.

[trippi1432]

I completely identify with that.

 

I had a visit with a therapist recently and came to understand the critic voice inside of me. I grew up with people that would hurt me sometimes physically and just about all the time verbally. I internalized that voice that tore me down and tore me down as a kid. No matter what I did, it was never good enough for my folks, and internally, it was never good enough for me.

 

At times I thought that the critic voice helped me sometimes, to try harder, to get moving when I felt lazy. But no, it doesn't. It is just destruction.

 

Today we talked about VICTIM ----> SURVIVOR ----> OVERCOMER.

 

Ideally, you are supposed to go from the first one to the last one....but I feel like I am in a vicious circle of the three these days. What is it about therapist who push you to this state, tell you that you need to open that can of worms and then leave you here for a while. I used to be there, at the last stage....it was my strength, but it was also the worst part of me to those that tried to get close to me. I internalize that being the overcomer makes me a selfish person, uncaring and distant. I guess I lay in my pity party of one and move right back to victim to do it all over again. My brain takes every judgement and criticism to the heart and I'm that little girl being torn down all over again. It's maddening!!!

 

I still haven't decided if I am ever going to go back to my job again....I seem to stay in that victim cycle with my co-workers. I rely on them to do certain tasks so I can meet their bosses deliverables. What happens is that I give them the power for me to succeed or fail when they don't pull through, so I either wind up failing at the task or doing it for them. It's impossible to set a boundary there. I continue to forget that I am supposed to have compassion for everyone else due their workloads when this job has cost me my family...and the workloads are about to get 3 times worse. I'm almost ready to say "Yeah me! I just finished my MBA and would prefer to have a job where the only responsibility is to ask if you want fries with that??"!!!

 

None of this brings about any justification that I put work and school ahead of my family. Now, where I wanted to get us, bring us to the point where we could be comfortable was for nothing. My home is empty, my STBXH enjoys spending all his time with his GF doing all the things he never wanted to do with me because I never had time for him. He knows this, and now he is sympathetic to it. It kills me that I know he is right, but it also kills me that this made us angry at each other for so long that there was never any true intimacy in our relationship....just demands on each other. No comforting each other, just fighting. No compromises, just selfishness.

 

I guess to me, just the word "victim" brings images of being weak, powerless, selfish. There's no room in my life for anyone, there's not even any room in my life for me anymore. I fight myself everyday to take the easier road to all of this, but I have a contract that says I can't do that. I wish that I had a contract against self-infliction of pain and implosion.

[Gunny376]

I didn't go the corporate route. I come from a long, long, long line of

Alabama sharecroppers, (no I'm not African-American) eating a lot of so called "soul-food" coming up.

 

More nights than not we ate collard greens, turnips, mustard greens, cornbread.

 

One of my grandfathers dropped out of school in the sixth grade and use to log with mules. Another worked construction and dropped out of school in the fifth grade to raise his five brothers and sisters after both his mother and father were killed, only to go on and raise another seven sons and daughters.

 

I'm one of a handful that graduated high school and college. But it cost me. It cost me a wife and a family.

 

I retired from the Corps to finished my bachelors in BS ~ Finance. With thoughts of going on to get a MBA or law degree.

 

In the end? Its just not worth it. I've a job working in a lab that low~stress, no-stress, with low-stress and no-stress bosses and co-workers. Its an easy job, I spend most of my time reading books, newspapers, and watching cable TV!

 

I'm making more money than I ever have in my life, owe less and on the cusp of being out of debt.

 

I want to find myself a piece of land, build a cabin, with some solar panels, and a wind mill for electricity and to run the pump to pull up some ground water from a well. Plant a vegetable garden, maybe some chickens and raise a hog once a year. Maybe even some goats, a milk cow, and a couple of donkeys to keep the coyotes away.

 

In short? I want to live a simple life without all the deadlines, the customer quotas, sales quotas, production quotas, the stress, Hell, hate and discontent.

 

I've lived this life in my youth ~ and it was a good life ~ a happy life. It required some work, picking, shelling and canning peas, beans, corn, peaches, figs. tomatoes and such.

 

But it was a good life!

 

And most of all? It was a stress free life!

 

Sitting down with collard greens with ham hock, fresh grown tomatoes and cucumbers, fresh fried corn bread, creamed corn, fig preserves on a hot biscuit.

 

Sitting around shelling peas to put up and talking to one another instead of watching TV!

 

Frying up some catfish you spent all afternoon trying to catch!

 

Or a large month bass you just caught out of Lake Eufaula!

 

Sitting around on the side of the house shucking oysters with crackers and hot sauce drinking beer!

 

MBA? Marine Corps? Yea I did it, tried it! Did it!

 

Damn glad I did! Damn glad its over!

 

Its time for YOU and me to get back to who and what we are!

All this successful life we're living?

 

Is killing us!

[trippi1432]

I didn't go the corporate route. I come from a long, long, long line of

Alabama sharecroppers, (no I'm not African-American) eating a lot of so called "soul-food" coming up.

 

More nights than not we ate collard greens, turnips, mustard greens, cornbread.

 

One of my grandfathers dropped out of school in the sixth grade and use to log with mules. Another worked construction and dropped out of school in the fifth grade to raise his five brothers and sisters after both his mother and father were killed, only to go on and raise another seven sons and daughters.

 

I'm one of a handful that graduated high school and college. But it cost me. It cost me a wife and a family.

 

I retired from the Corps to finished my bachelors in BS ~ Finance. With thoughts of going on to get a MBA or law degree.

 

In the end? Its just not worth it. I've a job working in a lab that low~stress, no-stress, with low-stress and no-stress bosses and co-workers. Its an easy job, I spend most of my time reading books, newspapers, and watching cable TV!

 

I'm making more money than I ever have in my life, owe less and on the cusp of being out of debt.

 

I want to find myself a piece of land, build a cabin, with some solar panels, and a wind mill for electricity and to run the pump to pull up some ground water from a well. Plant a vegetable garden, maybe some chickens and raise a hog once a year. Maybe even some goats, a milk cow, and a couple of donkeys to keep the coyotes away.

 

In short? I want to live a simple life without all the deadlines, the customer quotas, sales quotas, production quotas, the stress, Hell, hate and discontent.

 

I've lived this life in my youth ~ and it was a good life ~ a happy life. It required some work, picking, shelling and canning peas, beans, corn, peaches, figs. tomatoes and such.

 

But it was a good life!

 

And most of all? It was a stress free life!

 

Sitting down with collard greens with ham hock, fresh grown tomatoes and cucumbers, fresh fried corn bread, creamed corn, fig preserves on a hot biscuit.

 

Sitting around shelling peas to put up and talking to one another instead of watching TV!

 

Frying up some catfish you spent all afternoon trying to catch!

 

Or a large month bass you just caught out of Lake Eufaula!

 

Sitting around on the side of the house shucking oysters with crackers and hot sauce drinking beer!

 

MBA? Marine Corps? Yea I did it, tried it! Did it!

 

Damn glad I did! Damn glad its over!

 

Its time for YOU and me to get back to who and what we are!

All this successful life we're living?

 

Is killing us!

 

Gunny!! If it weren't for you I'd be insane....if I'm not already!! :love:

 

More nights than not we ate collard greens, turnips, mustard greens, cornbread. I miss this!!!!

 

I'm one of a handful that graduated high school and college. But it cost me. It cost me a wife and a family. Am the only one in my family that went this far at what cost?

 

In the end? Its just not worth it. I've a job working in a lab that low~stress, no-stress, with low-stress and no-stress bosses and co-workers. Its an easy job, I spend most of my time reading books, newspapers, and watching cable TV! I had a choice at a very easy job like this making more money and getting out of my department....a job I would have loved!! Boss said no, it would have been too easy for me. I guess after all the hell, I don't deserve easy...wtf????

 

And most of all? It was a stress free life!

 

Sitting down with collard greens with ham hock, fresh grown tomatoes and cucumbers, fresh fried corn bread, creamed corn, fig preserves on a hot biscuit.

 

Sitting around shelling peas to put up and talking to one another instead of watching TV!

 

Frying up some catfish you spent all afternoon trying to catch!

 

Or a large month bass you just caught out of Lake Eufaula!

 

Sitting around on the side of the house shucking oysters with crackers and hot sauce drinking beer! I miss all of this!!! Was some of the best days of my life...simple living.

 

I also miss relaxing on my deck with a cup of caffeine and watching the dolphins make their way up the beach at sunrise. I miss the smell of the beach after a rainstorm and walking along the beach after a thunderstorm to find the treasures that the ocean would give to us. I miss the bonfires on the beach, the singing and playing...the sand between my toes. I miss opening up the windows and never having to turn on the AC, just enjoy the fresh air blowing through. I miss being able to walk across the street for the best foot long hot dog. I miss walking down the pier to see all the catches of the day.

 

But most of all, I miss singing into the wind and hearing the ocean sing back to me. No encumbrances, free to be me and be carefree.....free to be strong-minded and know what made me happy. And no, I didn't have a "man" to share all of that with, I shared it with my friends, my daughter and myself.

 

Years later, I gave all of that up...not for school, not for corporate life, not even for a job. I was 8 months pregnant and couldn't bear to continue living with an alcoholic. So I sold everything I owned, packed up my daughter and moved 400 miles away to be near my mother. He followed, actually asked at the last minute to go begging that he wanted to change. I relented and we lived for a month in a camper with no running water on my parents land, same land that my step-dad was raised at, born in a log cabin.

 

We took our baths in a lake...lol. Or, if we were lucky, had running water off the tin roof of the barn during a rainstorm. Because of where I work now and the type of job I have, people seem to think that I forgot where I came from....you don't forget the easy, simple life....you yearn for it again for the peace it brings your heart.

[Gunny376]

Both South and North Carolina!

 

Shagging!

 

 

Flipp Island, Hunters Island Myrtle Beach!

[trippi1432]

I remember shagging with my mom in the living room. ;)

 

I stay away from Myrtle...lived there for 7 years...too touristy.

 

Oak Island (Long Beach at the end of the island, my favorite place), Carolina Beach, the channel at Fort Fisher (bad when the boat motor goes out and you have to push the boat back in...nothing but oyster beds in there..ouch!).

 

Sunset Beach, Topsail Island....Southport (what a quiet little sleepy town).

[Gunny376]

Beaufort! South Carolina! North Carolina coast!

 

Shagging!

 

Nothing but good times and memories!

 

Savanah and Augustia!

 

Carolina sefood

[just_some_guy]

I live in the nexus of super-high stakes, high stress, high tech work. The industry I'm in can literally eat a man up from the inside out. To some extent, I've learned to cope with it. Sometimes it gets me too, but generally, I've learned in the work life to keep it under control.

[Gunny376]

But you never lived in the Carolinas!

[trippi1432]

But you never lived in the Carolinas!

 

Tis True, Tis True......Beach Music Festival 1993 - Carolina Beach...I think it was the last time they allowed alcohol on the beach. Over 35,000 turned up. The next year, they banned alcohol...less than 3,000 people turned up.

 

I live in the nexus of super-high stakes, high stress, high tech work. The industry I'm in can literally eat a man up from the inside out. To some extent, I've learned to cope with it. Sometimes it gets me too, but generally, I've learned in the work life to keep it under control.

 

I feel for you JSG, hopefully your industry applies resource scheduling and project management tools to keep you guys on the right project path. In my world, they throw it over the wall and the **** just splatters on your desk, typically half done and wanted last month. I suggested to my Director if he wanted me to come back, they needed to adopt that kind of management skill to our department since there are now 11 or us doing the work of 42 people. We work directly with our IM department and they use the resource scheduling with our clients, so it would be nothing new for our department to do the same.

[trippi1432]

Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug.....(love that saying and it's so true!!)

 

Today we talked about VICTIM ----> SURVIVOR ----> OVERCOMER.

 

"Ideally, you are supposed to go from the first one to the last one....but I feel like I am in a vicious circle of the three these days. What is it about therapist who push you to this state, tell you that you need to open that can of worms and then leave you here for a while. I used to be there, at the last stage....it was my strength, but it was also the worst part of me to those that tried to get close to me. I internalize that being the overcomer makes me a selfish person, uncaring and distant. I guess I lay in my pity party of one and move right back to victim to do it all over again. My brain takes every judgement and criticism to the heart and I'm that little girl being torn down all over again. It's maddening!!!"

 

Yes, I'm blonde....Yes.....it takes me a while to "get it". I've never hit the last stage even though I THOUGHT I had. I've been in survivor mode for so flipping long, I could never see the light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I could tell people this all day long....but could never see it for myself.....how stupid is that????????