Broken Home - Broken Hearts

[Jen234]

Just over 3 years ago, my husband and I separated after 12 years of marriage. We have 3 small children. Alot went on back then. And I had an affair. It has been a bitter and nasty separation, and it has taken time for me to reach this point. But, I miss him so much, my children miss him desperately (even though they have regular contact).

 

We have both been seeing other people and have no contact other than throwing the children at each other. Settlement of our assets is not yet complete and the fight is now between our lawyers with the money sitting in a lawyers trust account. Neither of us has yet filed for divorce.

 

Now that I am wiser and have matured through this horrible process, I know without doubt that I loved my husband, that I can hardly think of the future without him, and that the children want nothing more than to have their parents together.

 

I did put out the white flag to my husband a couple of years ago, which he rebutted. I still want to reconcile even though I suppose I look like I am getting on with it. My 6 year old son sat on my knee crying at bedtime tonight because he misses his dad (even though he sees him regularly as I said previously).

 

It is breaking my heart what I have done to my family. I would not know where to start to approach my ex again. He is a stubborn man and may never move from his position. But I think I'm willing to try, to put myself on the line again. To try for our family.

 

Please, can anyone suggest to me how to approach this? How can I possibly get through to a man that carries the hurt and betrayal so heavily?

Edited April 26, 2010 by Jen234

[Gunny376]

Just over 3 years ago, my husband and I separated after 12 years of marriage. We have 3 small children. Alot went on back then. And I had an affair. It has been a bitter and nasty separation, and it has taken time for me to reach this point. But, I miss him so much, my children miss him desperately (even though they have regular contact).

 

We have both been seeing other people and have no contact other than throwing the children at each other. Settlement of our assets is not yet complete and the fight is now between our lawyers with the money sitting in a lawyers trust account. Neither of us has yet filed for divorce.

 

Now that I am wiser and have matured through this horrible process, I know without doubt that I loved my husband, that I can hardly think of the future without him, and that the children want nothing more than to have their parents together.

 

I did put out the white flag to my husband a couple of years ago, which he rebutted. I still want to reconcile even though I suppose I look like I am getting on with it. My 6 year old son sat on my knee crying at bedtime tonight because he misses his dad (even though he sees him regularly as I said previously).

 

It is breaking my heart what I have done to my family. I would not know where to start to approach my ex again. He is a stubborn man and may never move from his position. But I think I'm willing to try, to put myself on the line again. To try for our family.

 

Please, can anyone suggest to me how to approach this? How can I possibly get through to a man that carries the hurt and betrayal so heavily?

 

Go to him accept your short comings and faults and his as well. Put it all on the line, Tell it like it is,

 

Come to face to face with the reality of what reality is. I finally had to. It wasn't pretty and it wasn't fun!

[Jen234]

Thank you. I will reread what you have written a few times. After a night's sleep, I still don't know how I would go to him. We don't speak. I doubt he would see me if I asked. It could be that he avoids any one-on-one contact with me as deep down he still has feelings but does not want to acknowledge them. But thank you for your reply.

[Jen234]

There is the added difficulty of the financial settlement not being completed. I stand to take the lion's share (of what is left after 3 years of fighting and recession!) and for the children's sake I cannot jeopardise that. If it is that we proceed to divorce (which is highly likely) this money will barely enable me to buy us a home. He took me to court for custody, which I won, his behaviour was so scary that I had to get a protection order (which is a final protection order) ... it may be that I have to let the settlement run and as you said, face reality. I made the mistake and now we all pay for it.

[Woggle]

Why exactly did you have the affair and initiate a seperation? What was so bad that you felt a need to do this?

 

If you want to get him back you need to be willing to make an effort at it and show him real remorse and that you truly do understand why he is so hurt.

[Fouts]

I feel for you Jen, it's a horrible position that your children are in and unfortunately will stick with them the rest of their lives. It doesn't seem like he's open to reconciliation, but the only thing you can do at this point is to put your ego aside and lay all your cards on the table with him face to face.

[Jen234]

Thank you both for your comments.

 

Why did I do it??? Phew, that is opening a can of worms. He went to work overseas for 6 months, I got involved with drugs which, of course, he didnt know about and the drugs eventually completely messed up my head.

 

My thinking at this point was that we absolutely had to separate because there was no way I could either be honest with him about where I found myself, and neither could I deal with what had gone from being social drug use to quite possibly addiction. I needed to separate to tidy myself up. And I have done that.

 

Why did I do it? I don't know. It just happened. Of course, there was another party involved, and they had a big part to play in all this. I am very angry with that person for not leaving me, my marriage and my children alone.

 

Once I was caught up in it there didnt seem to be a way out. I was carrying around a lot of guilt, a huge burden that didnt enable a normal relationship.

[Jen234]

I must add that with the end of the marriage, I also ended the affair. I ended them both.

[Gunny376]

Then marry me! I;"ll buy a big straw hat!

[Jen234]

Lol. That's quite cute ...

 

Hmmm ... i must just think why a straw hat ...

[Gunny376]

They go wityh

Lol. That's quite cute ...

 

Hmmm ... i must just think why a straw hat ...

 

They go well with the Raybands on the beach

 

 

As for the DH? Just talk with him ! It s going to tske s hugh imvrdteemt of ti,r.

[Jen234]

Just talk. It sounds easy doesn't it. He is not a talker, a silent man. For him, actions speak louder than words. Time I have. A whole lifetime raising the children. But ... hmmm ... there simply may be too much water under the bridge. He may not have had an affair, but his behaviour before, during and after the separation have, at times, been despicable. I can make allowances, saying that he was hurting, but ...

 

Talking on this forum has been good for me. Is enabling me to see things again from a new perspective. I still must protect myself, and my children's future security. I suggest (to myself) that it would not be wise to undertake any communication until after settlement has been reached. At that point, things should become clearer. He will either file for divorce, or not.

[Jen234]

But, I cannot talk to him openly until after settlement. He has been attacking me the whole time we have been separated, in Court etc etc, so at this point to be honest would be detrimental, I believe. It would give him too much ammo. In fact, in saying that, I don't think it would ever be wise for me to follow this path. I suspect from here on in, his only motive will be to reopen his attacks. Not move on and heal as the children and I have been trying to do. Sigh.

[1_hangininthere]

I'm guessing here, but it sounds like you all might be getting close to the final divorce and you're getting cold feet. This isn't going to be nice, but honest. You said your X was terrible to you during the last 3 years. Darling, you were into drugs and had an affair all this while you were responsible for young children. He wasn't nice to you because what you did was unforgivable. I'm surprised he didn't fight for custody. I think trying to get him back after 3 years would be a mistake. Let him move on. Besides, if you do reconcile and it doesn't work out it will be HELL on those kids. I am sorry that you are going through this. Guilt SUCKS!!! Try your best to shake it and let him go.

[Jen234]

Thank you for your honesty. Yes, I do realise my behaviour was ... unforgiveable. There are no excuses ... it just happened and once in, it took everything to get out. The drugs and affair were one in the same.

 

It is because I love my children I sorted it out. By the way, he did fight for custody but I won.

 

And again, I think you are right. Let him move on. And, let myself move on. He may be unable to forgive me, but I surely I have the right to work towards forgiving myself? Or else life would be truly unbearable.

 

Oh, and, you made a comment in regards to the divorce pending and my getting cold feet. Just to clarify, part of my confusion in this situation comes from the fact that we have been separated over 3 years now, and our law stipulates only 2 years of separation prior to divorce. I expected him to file papers the day the 2 years ticked over. But he hasnt.

 

Two years ago I put out the white flag which he declined. It was then I sucked it all up and knew I just had to get on with life. It was the recent comments from two of the children together with the fact that he didnt file divorce papers a year ago, and it seems that he has cooled off with his new girlfriend ... all made me wonder if I needed to try for all our sakes.

 

Perhaps best I just sit. Go through with the settlement. If he wishes to approach me, then I should be open, but not try to open a locked door.

[lkjh]

You said your husband believes actions speak louder than word than what have you done to put your family back together? You cheated, got on drugs, hurt him financially, taken his children from him, and now you are seeing someone else? Also, you said you are mad at your affair partner for getting involved with you, does that mean that you are still speaking to that person? Does your H know them? How bad was he publicly humiliated by this?

 

Would you want to be with someone like that? If you really want to reconcile(which I don't think is possible) you will have to show it with actions. You will literally have to beg

[Jen234]

Okay, now I'm starting to think some of you suck. Yeah, I made mistakes but you are making me sound like a monster!! There is never only one side to the story ... but I have been honest with you here, and am almost regretting it with the last comment I received.

 

I am not going to justify my actions (as we all know there is no justification) ... but he was not above reproach either, yet I am not going to drag him through the mud here either.

 

No, he did not know the other party. No, I have no contact with the other party.

 

You, lcix (or whatever your name is) are obviously so perfect that you feel justified standing on your soap box and putting me down. And you must also be so perfect in your relationships, which is why you are looking for support on this website.

 

In any event, I hope you feel better for clearly showing your nastiness. It only makes me stronger. So thank you.

[callalilly]

After seeing you describe how nasty he's been to you--and that you even described his behavior as 'scary,' I think you are probably better off following through with the divorce. You sound like you're romanticizing what you had with him before, now that there's been so much time with virtually no contact between the two of you. You can be happy again if you can let go of this hope to get back together with him. I think your kids may be having a hard time partly because they sense your sadness and longing.

[Passion4Life]

Okay, now I'm starting to think some of you suck. Yeah, I made mistakes but you are making me sound like a monster!! There is never only one side to the story ... but I have been honest with you here, and am almost regretting it with the last comment I received.

 

I am not going to justify my actions (as we all know there is no justification) ... but he was not above reproach either, yet I am not going to drag him through the mud here either.

 

No, he did not know the other party. No, I have no contact with the other party.

 

You, lcix (or whatever your name is) are obviously so perfect that you feel justified standing on your soap box and putting me down. And you must also be so perfect in your relationships, which is why you are looking for support on this website.

 

In any event, I hope you feel better for clearly showing your nastiness. It only makes me stronger. So thank you.

 

Jen234 just relax , dont worry about harsh comments you will see all sort of opinions on this thread .

I can see you are genuinely sorry for your actions & that is a postive thing .

It is good that are you honest on this forum so dont regret that .

 

Best of luck

[Jen234]

CallaLilly & Passion4Life - Thank you both so much for your positive comments. Yes, I am truly sorry. And, yes, you are both right about letting go. I agree too. And this thread has been good for me to clear my mind of the last few cobwebs. The children and I have turned some great corners this week. We are going to be fine :-)