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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
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Old 14th March 2010, 6:48 PM   #31
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thanks for your post tnttim, i think you have it nailed. i certainly intend to carry on NC for as long as it takes. i know that if i choose to go back now, this whole current process we are going through will have been for nothing and we may well find ourselves here again in the near future. as i have said above, she wanted this TS, she has got it and it is firmly up to her now.

i feel very lucky in that i have somewhere to stay. if i had to have rented somewhere, that would have been a game changer economically, and put me in a 'weaker' position. i have been told i can stay here for as long as it takes, and i am VERY grateful for that.

Last edited by 10206; 14th March 2010 at 6:55 PM.. Reason: grammar
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Old 15th March 2010, 3:54 PM   #32
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Hi bro!

Still hanging there. You are doing well. Just reading your stuff brought loads of emotions. I can't understand how people can act like that, not considering the long term damage this is doing to the children, the marriage and to you. The sad thing is that once you start 'hardening' up and 'moving' on she would want to remedy the situation.

What the f' has got into her head? If you don't have a free place to stay so she won't mind? It just beggars belief. You just can't do much as you are in a limbo because of her selfish act. Marriage is not a game as she probably is thinking. If she is with someone, or trying to be with someone, the honourable thing to do is to ask for divorce.

She has now put you in a very difficult situation - whilst your family and hers wants the marriage to work, when everything is said and done, that is where the real work starts. It will be very difficult to defend her when there are issues in order not to be seen as a wimp. There is also going to be doubts if she really loves you. It is going to be real hard work.

I am sorry i had to vent after reading your story. Why does this happen to good guys?

Hope your situation resolve soon. I can imagine the upheavals you going through at this time.
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Old 15th March 2010, 5:30 PM   #33
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hi IIWII mate

thank you for your post, and no apology is necessary for venting, i agree with every word you have written. i have taken strength from the replies i have received on this thread and i thank you all for taking the time to reply, it is much appreciated.

i am also starting to find untapped inner strength and resolve with which to see this situation through to its natural conclusion. i would never choose this, but now that i am here, i am going to deal with it properly, and that does not mean trotting back to the status quo.

i had today off and will return to work tomorrow for the first time since this all kicked off.
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Old 16th March 2010, 5:45 AM   #34
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something weird this morning.

bear in mind that my W does not like my mother at all (hates her with a vengeance is prob a fair description) . on sunday, when i had the girls, i took them to my mums for lunch as is close to my sisters. my M later told me that she had noticed a couple of 'missed calls' from my W, and asked if she should return the calls. i said no, if she wants to talk, she can talk to me.

this morning i got a text from my M saying that W did call her back, and had said to my M that she (M) should 'talk to me'! why would W ask my M (whom she loathes), to talk to me, i find it odd.

i haven't yet spoken to my M to learn the full details, but it strikes me as odd. it is also unfortunate that my wife chose the actions that have led to this situation, as i will not accept any 'quick fixes'.

just thought i would report that.

Last edited by 10206; 16th March 2010 at 5:47 AM..
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Old 16th March 2010, 3:58 PM   #35
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i spoke to my mum today. W had called her and was spouting the usual nonsense. she also said that she had not asked for a TS/divorce and only wanted space!!! utter lies, i am afraid. hearing that made me wish that i had taped her rants. get this! she told my mum that she doesn't want to be a single mum, and that she will give ME a year to improve, and if i don't, that will be it. erm, wtf!? i'm sorry darling, but we don't need to wait a year, it is make or break right now.

she also told my mum that her counsellor had told her to phone my mum and get her to talk to me, and she also tried to get my dads number, so she could 'talk to him'. my mum did not give it to her.

SIGH!!!!

on a more positive note, i returned to work today, and they have been very supportive. it is just a shame that LS is blocked there lol...
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Old 16th March 2010, 4:12 PM   #36
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You two need some help and NOW. she seems to be in melt down and its in your kids interest to find out where her head is. Forget the other stuff for now. If you two can see a counseller private or not ASAP they will be able to see if she is having a beakdown. Her chopping and changing (man in the pub advise love) show indications she really isnt well.

She involved your folks so allow them to help.............unless your mum is like mine.......bitch from hell!. but you have a sister that appears to be brilliant. Also suggest she has a close friend there too so she feels supported. More ears is good.

waddya think??

nobby
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Old 16th March 2010, 5:00 PM   #37
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I think both of you need to see a counsellor TOGETHER, no individual counsellors. You can call her out when she misinform and she can do same. She was advised to call your mum based on what she told her counsellor, probably she deliberately misinformed the counsellor or she did it according to her perception of things. Either way you both have to do it together for any meaningful solution.

At least from your last post there seems to be hope. Changes needs to be from both, not just you as she is demanding.
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Old 16th March 2010, 6:37 PM   #38
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hi nobby and IIWII

thank you for your posts. ever since last march when this truly started, i have lost count of how many times i have suggested MC. she has always been closed off to it, and thinks i should go on my own, as there is "nothing wrong with her".

i think she is treating this like a messed up game. based on what my Mum reported earlier, she is unhappy that i involved her family (i.e. emailing her brother and alerting him that i was leaving that day, and asking him to keep an eye on her, as i was very concerned about her emotional state). she told my mum i had "opened a can of worms" by doing so, and that she was embarrassed, and is now telling her family how awful i am etc. i am glad it is now out in the open, whether or not the marriage is saveable. her family have come to stay before, and have seen me working away, actually doing the things that i am being accused of being slack on. her brother has even commented in the past on the fact that i do a lot more than most men. i think that even though they will naturally support her as their blood, that they can see that something is not right in what she is saying.

i think she is now involving my family as she just expected me to come trotting back like the dutiful emotional punch bag that i have been for some time now. i think she is realising that the worm has turned, and she doesn't know how to deal with it.

i think she is not ready to accept any ownership in this situation yet. when she is, i will be there to participate equally, and she knows that. i worry that pressure from family may make her just go along with the motions (MC) because it is "the right thing to do", not because she wants to.

she has been letting DD2 ring me every evening, and even reminded her to do so this evening. i just had a call, and DD2 said that she wants to come again this weekend with her sister, which has made me happy. i am going to take them swimming.

thanks for listening, and for your valuable advice which is always appreciated.
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Old 16th March 2010, 6:56 PM   #39
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You seem to be handling everything pretty darn well, except..... Have you looked into the legalities of your
situation regarding child custody money etc. This Mexican stand off could last a little while and the last thing you need is her crying "abandonment". She sounds extremely irrational. Consult an attorney just to see where things will stand should this last for a few Months! But DONT give in. You are handling it perfectly just double check the legal side as a backup!
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Old 16th March 2010, 7:03 PM   #40
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hi floridapad

thank you for your post. funnily enough i was talking about this with my sis earlier, along similar lines. i have access to free legal advice through my employer, so i am going to call them tomorrow and see what the score is. thanks for reminding me to do so.
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Old 16th March 2010, 7:26 PM   #41
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I'll point out a good thing coming from a bad thing here.

How's the relationship with your children been?
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Old 16th March 2010, 7:53 PM   #42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tnttim View Post
I'll point out a good thing coming from a bad thing here.

How's the relationship with your children been?
hi tnttim, thank you for your post. my relationship with my kids is just great. DD1 can't talk (non-verbal, autistic etc), but DD2 (who has been phoning me every evening) is sooo excited that they are both coming back this Saturday. they have been my focus through this ordeal and will continue to be so. i will always be there for my kids no matter what. they are my entire focus now, no matter what happens between my wife and i. i have made a point of not saying anything negative to them about W.
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Old 16th March 2010, 8:18 PM   #43
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 10206 View Post
hi tnttim, thank you for your post. my relationship with my kids is just great. DD1 can't talk (non-verbal, autistic etc), but DD2 (who has been phoning me every evening) is sooo excited that they are both coming back this Saturday. they have been my focus through this ordeal and will continue to be so. i will always be there for my kids no matter what. they are my entire focus now, no matter what happens between my wife and i. i have made a point of not saying anything negative to them about W.
That's my point something good:better relationship with kids out of the something bad you have with W. That's awesome that you are not degrading W to kids, not easy I bet.
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Old 17th March 2010, 3:21 PM   #44
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i contacted DD1's social worker today, as i had not heard anything. apparently she went to see W today, and now wants to meet me here next week to discuss what care i can provide to DD1. that doesn't sound too promising. i will meet her and am hoping to use the meeting to with the SW to initiate some kind of mediation if possible. i think W is firmly digging her heels in. i will see what the SW has to say about her meeting with W and how it went/what was said etc.
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Old 17th March 2010, 9:19 PM   #45
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10206,
My heart goes out to you. Your W has hit a bit of a rough spot no doubt. Remain focused on _what_ is right not _who_ is right. The big thing screming out at me is YOUR DEAR DAUGHTERS!

They need the stable man in their life. Don't let your W going crazy deprive you of your right to 50% time with your daughters!
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