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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

 
 
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Old 10th March 2010, 4:30 PM   #16
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thanks carhill, that makes more sense.
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Old 10th March 2010, 6:01 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by carhill View Post
Probably shorthand for ILYBINILWY = I love you but I'm not in love with you...
it the hell tune........ugh ILYBNILWY


Hi fellow brit.


She sounds unwell to me.The hell you two have had and will have is soooooo much to cope. I feel deeply for you both.

Firstly you couldnt do right for doing wrong. ITS NOT YOU.

ITS NOT HER EITHER, She seems to have depression, acceptance of that is her,..... for her as its admiting she might not be as stong as she wants to be " I am alright!"

as a mummy its just not easy.

Back door. keep being a top pop. get her family involved. poor girlis suffering ( I take nothing from your pain as you are living with this more so)


She is the love of youe life. spend some money. get advise. take help and involve her family and yours. you need as much support as she does.

allmy heart felt affection


Nobby xx
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Old 11th March 2010, 10:24 AM   #18
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thanks for your post nobby, i appreciate it. thank you for reminding me that 'it is not me'.

i have alerted her family, i had emailed her elder brother to alert him that i was leaving at her request, and that i was very worried about her. he phoned me and i explained what had happened. he said he would speak to her and call me back that evening. that was tuesday, there has been no contact since then! whether that contact with her family has worked against me or not (i.e they are just believing her skewed version of reality), i don't care. at least they are now aware that there is a problem and will hopefully provide her with some kind of emotional support.

i do want to make things work, however this TS is of her own making, she demanded it in the most aggressive way possible short of being physically violent, and i gave it to her. what i will not do is go back just to suffer in the same way.

there HAS to be MC that she agrees to actually commit to and not just go through the motions.
i want to know if she still loves me or not.
i want to know if she can move on in her head and forget the perceived problems that are rooted in the past.
i want to know if she can have a rational conversation and not just launch into a full blown surprise attack every time.
i want her to listen to me and not just shout over me and then block me out.

if she does not want to work with me EQUALLY, no longer loves me, cannot commit to being rational and calm rather than emotionally violent, then for me it is Game Over. she wanted this TS, she has got it, the ball is firmly in her court.

i have made No Contact with W since i left. my daughter (7) has told my W each evening that she wants to talk to me, so W has been dialling my mobile number then handing the phone to DD2 so we can talk. each time we hang up,i just want to cry. i just want to cuddle my daughters, i miss that more than anything.
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Old 11th March 2010, 12:21 PM   #19
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woohoo, i get to see DD2 on saturday!

DD2 just called and said mummy said can she drop her over to where i am to stay the night and she will pick her up on sunday. this has cheered me up a lot.

i need your advice on ways to handle this. my intention is to NOT see or speak to W, but let my sister receive DD2 while i stay out of the way until she is gone. does this seem sensible?

also DD2 asked me on the phone why i left. said W had let her read the note i left, though i don't know how much of it she understood. i told her i would explain on saturday when i see her. please can i have some suggestions on what to say to DD2. i plan on not undermining her mum, but also being honest in my explanation, just not sure how to put it. she is 7.

thanks folks for any comments on this.
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Old 11th March 2010, 1:04 PM   #20
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My take is the DW is overwhelmed by the serendipitous events of her life over the course of the years and suffering from depression and anxiety ~ and needs IC and medication. In her mind? The "Storms of Life" just keep coming and coming one after another. And there's not one damn thing you can do until she gets the help that she needs.

The entire network of friends and family need to come together in a unified and have an intervention of sorts to get her into a program to teach her to cope with her life.

I could be wrong? But I don't belive there's a OM, if there is? Pity the poor bastard! Now that your no longer handy for the job? He'll become the 'whipping boy!"

I'm deeply concerned about the short and long term effects of all of this on the DD's
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Old 11th March 2010, 1:28 PM   #21
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thank heavens i copied this text before pressing submit, it took me so long i had auto logged out...phew!!!



my analysis: i think my wife is showing signs of clinical depression that has been present since the death of her mother. i don't think she accepts this about herself. the stress of losing her parents, then having to cope with a severely disabled child has been very significant. she will not accept marriage counselling, and absolutely refuses to consider medication. over time we stopped being wife and husband and became co-habiting carers to our children. i do not think i have helped myself since last year by basically becoming a doormat to her. i only recognised this yesterday when thinking about things (i dont often get a chance to think and reflect), and i feel quite demeaned. however i have only ever done what i thought was supportive and right, knowing that she was having a hard time. i don't think she sees me like a man anymore, and is clearly not physically attracted to me anymore. not once has she taken MY emotions into account on this awful ride that is our life. i seem to have become the cause in her mind of everything that is wrong in her life.

I agree that your wife probably needs counseling. 2 sessions wouldn't do much though, especially of she has been trying to deal with this by herself for a few years. You guys are living in a high stress environment, have you ever looked into a support group for parents of children with disabilities? It could help.

If she is depressed and not thinking rationally what is she going to do with both kids by herself? How will she deal with that? You may want to try to get the kids if you can not be at home with her.

Also As someone who has allowed depression and PTSD to ruin her own marriage (ok I didn't ruin it myself, but not getting help played a role) I can tell you that if she does start feeling better she may feel like she was a fool and want your forgiveness. It can take time though for her to get better.

If there are other factors in her behavior I don't know what to tell you. But I would stay stick by her for a bit (that doesn't mean you have to live with her, she may need the space) and see what happens.
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Old 11th March 2010, 1:39 PM   #22
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I agree that your wife probably needs counseling. 2 sessions wouldn't do much though, especially of she has been trying to deal with this by herself for a few years. You guys are living in a high stress environment, have you ever looked into a support group for parents of children with disabilities? It could help.

If she is depressed and not thinking rationally what is she going to do with both kids by herself? How will she deal with that? You may want to try to get the kids if you can not be at home with her.

Also As someone who has allowed depression and PTSD to ruin her own marriage (ok I didn't ruin it myself, but not getting help played a role) I can tell you that if she does start feeling better she may feel like she was a fool and want your forgiveness. It can take time though for her to get better.

If there are other factors in her behavior I don't know what to tell you. But I would stay stick by her for a bit (that doesn't mean you have to live with her, she may need the space) and see what happens.
Coming from who's 'been there and done that' means a lot to the OP, and your words carry more than one who hasn't.
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Old 11th March 2010, 4:45 PM   #23
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hi gunny and tina, thank you for your posts, i do appreciate it.

we did try many support groups, but they seemed to be more geared towards 'higher functioning' kids, i.e. with speech etc. our dd is a different kettle of fish.

re W coping whilst i am not there, it is not too bad, DD1 goes to school on mondays and does not come home till wednesday, so that is two days of the week covered. she has 6 hours care on saturdays also, and she is away for one long weekend in every 6. when she is home, she is collected in the morning by a taxi and escort and they bring her back. so the practicalities are covered.

my w takes DD2 to school in the morning then goes to work, and picks her up on the way home.

in a way my W makes it harder for herself because she encourouges DD1 to jump on her and plays with her roughly, i.e. tickling etc. W will then use that as an excuse, i.e. "look how she is always jumping on me, you dobn't have to deal with that". well i dont let her jump on me, that is why. my wife encourages it yet cant see that.

i think she will cope just fine. it may bring home to her that most of her complaints are imaginary or self inflicted?

it is mothers day in the UK on sunday. i will buy a card from DD2 to W and give it to her to pass to her mummy.
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Old 13th March 2010, 7:34 AM   #24
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Hi 10206 .. i am from the UK as well. Welcome to LS. I have read your well written post, which has no discrepancies. My take to your issues is that the likelihood of OM around the corner is slim, I may be wrong. There are too much negatives your lives going on at the same time. You disabled daughter, the death of both parents, the isolation. Only the strong survive such.

You have done your best as a H, a provider, and a H. You made a wise decision to move out, to give her space. And u seems to have your head screwed on. Your presence at this time is the straw for your wife to explode.

Such situation does happen a lot to 'good' guys. There is nothing much you can do. Trying to rationalise with W would be useless, and if you are 'horrible' to her that is a game changer. Only time will address this situation, hopefully with objective inputs from friends and family. As per her brother not calling you I think he now been put in the middle. I am sure he wants your marriage to work, but not being seen by your W as taking your side after all she has told him. I am sure that at this time he wants everything to resolve itself as soon as possible. Don't hold anything against him. Family matter is politics.

With time your wife will begin to miss you. The good things you have done for her. Hopefully she has objective friends who can stand up and tell her what she needs to hear not what she wants to hear. Stay away from her and keep doing what you are doing.

Peace brother. Will continue to pray for you. Valuable advice here.
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Old 13th March 2010, 11:14 AM   #25
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hi IIWII

thank you for your analysis of the situation which makes a lot of sense to me, strangely comforting in a way, thank you.

W is currently on her way over here now to drop off DD2 and now also DD1 to stay the night. i am upstairs, and my sister is downstairs. i have asked my sis to receive the kids, i intend to stay up here and wait till she leaves. i am taking NC very seriously. i just hope that she doesn't try to force the issue in some way whilst she is here in front of the kids. i feel a little bit nervous. i have no intention or wish to be horrible to her. from now on i am only participating in civil conversations. if she screams, i will simply walk away.

i'll report back later.

Last edited by 10206; 13th March 2010 at 11:17 AM..
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Old 14th March 2010, 1:38 PM   #26
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hey,

how did it go? Hope your good.

Nobby xx
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Old 14th March 2010, 1:58 PM   #27
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hi nobby

they have just left a few mins ago, and i am in my room trying not to cry and failing. my sister came in just now to see if i was okay and i had to send her out as it would have made me worse. i am writing this post to report on how it went and to try and compose myself.

both handovers went without incident. yesterday, she arrived, and i stayed upstairs. she (w) handed over the kids at the door but declined to come in and pretty much ran off.

i had a lovely time with my girls. we went to the park, i cooked dinner last night, i became DJ for DD1 as she likes me to play pop videos for her on the laptop. we had a great day. DD2 told me today that she wanted to stay with me. i teared up at that but did not let her see. i have been using the time to gently explain to her what is going on, i.e. why i am here. i did not get heavy and kept it light but i respect her enough to be basically honest about the situation whilst not overly dwelling on it. they both had fun while they were here and that makes me happy.

about an hour ago i started feeling very sad inside to know that they would be leaving soon, but did not expect it to overwhelm me once they left, i am learning things about myself through this experience. again, she came and waited by the door, while my sister handed them back to her.

i am still maintaining strict NC, w has also made no attempt to speak to me. i am returning to work tomorrow after having been off all this week due to this situation. i am hoping that being there will take my mind off things, though i suspect i may end up telling the same story endlessly to different people who come up to me and ask about it. i suppose that is like a kind of therapy in itself, whilst getting paid lol. i just lol'd so am perking up a little now, thanks for being there LS folk.
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Old 14th March 2010, 2:23 PM   #28
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hi bud,

well done!!!!!!!!!!!!! you managed to genuinly have a good time!

its all new. Kids will be unsettled for a while but you are making great progress. Greif when they go works both ways. it does get easier but its harsh. Try to keep busy tonight and if your girls call you later dont be supprised............they are gonna be in a strange place too. I hope she will allow them to call. Mine needed to talk to lowly 1/2 hour he left. i let them. They dont ask now 6 months on but still struggle from time to time. just try to put your feelings aside for a while and be strong for them.

well done my freind. It was a massive weekend for you and you did good!

allme heartfelt affection

Nobby xx
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Old 14th March 2010, 2:51 PM   #29
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hi bud,

well done!!!!!!!!!!!!! you managed to genuinly have a good time!

its all new. Kids will be unsettled for a while but you are making great progress. Greif when they go works both ways. it does get easier but its harsh. Try to keep busy tonight and if your girls call you later dont be supprised............they are gonna be in a strange place too. I hope she will allow them to call. Mine needed to talk to lowly 1/2 hour he left. i let them. They dont ask now 6 months on but still struggle from time to time. just try to put your feelings aside for a while and be strong for them.

well done my freind. It was a massive weekend for you and you did good!

allme heartfelt affection

Nobby xx
thank you so much, i really mean that.
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Old 14th March 2010, 4:22 PM   #30
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You are doing a great job under such circumstances.

Change is very stressful by itself, but when you add kids to change, it's like throwing gas on a fire. The initial flare is strong and violent, but it soon burns itself out. We all adapt to our surroundings, thank genetics for that, but the time frame differs. Sometimes you have to let time run it's course.

I would continue the NC. It may seem like you are being uncaring but I know NC really hurts you as well. The W needs to have her back against the wall, with no where to go before she will really look deep inside. If you let her family intervene you will be setting her up for an excuse filled intervention. Then she will changing to shut them up, and that change will be short term. Let her hit bottom. Let her figure out what's right for her. Approach this like you are dealing with drug addict who needs help. She will only stop, when she is ready to stop.

Tough love is the only love she should be receiving now, and you are doing a stellar job at it. Your emotions will go through an intial breaking in period and soon they will adjust.

Continue to be the man to your W, kids and mainly yourself. Because my friend that's what you are:

a fcking man!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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