The Toxic X

[Radagast]

Two years ago I left my xW, after decades which ranged from mild unhappiness to pure hell. During the M I had periods of clinical depression, and had received medical advice that I should either attend MC with my W or leave the M. My parents had separated when I was a small child, and I did not want to inflict that on my small son, so I stayed. My W was not prepared to consider counselling as she did not see that there were any problems in the M, she thought any problems were mine.

 

Several years later she had a bad patch at work. She was never popular, and had recently been appointed to a supervisory position. She started bullying one of her former colleagues that she was now managing, and that person reported her. All of the victim's colleagues supported her against my W, and my W called me in (I worked at the same organisation) as a witness for her defence. I had personally witnessed the bullying, and had experienced it myself in the M, and so told my W I was not prepared to lie under oath to support her case. She was suspended from work, and was furious with me. Back home she attacked me physically in front of the kids, leaving them traumatised. She then moved out.

 

During that period I was happier than I had ever been. I had the kids half of the time, with my W staying not too far away so that the kids still had easy access to their friends, school and other activities from either home. I dated other women, and discovered greater sexual compatibility with these new GFs than I'd ever had with my W. My family all advised me to move on, to let the separation finalise into a D, and to settle down when I was ready for it with a woman who treated me well.

 

After a year, my W appeared and begged me to take her back. She'd become suicidal, had lost a huge amount of weight (having become very obese before the split) and her mental breakdown was causing a great deal of distress to the children. Against my better judgement, I took her back, on condition that she agree to MC.

 

It was the worst decision of my life. She stormed out of MC (because the MC was "too critical" of her) and refused to go back, or to anyone else. She soon relapsed into her former ways and within months we were living apart, but under the same roof, for the kids. I became desperately unhappy again and took every chance I could to travel (my work requires a fair amount of this).

 

On one such trip I met a lovely woman, and over time we fell in love. I left my W and began D proceedings, which she attempted to sabotage several times. Eventually the D was finalised and I married my love. We are very happy together, and my family all love her to bits.

 

However, my xW still lives in the area, so that she can see the kids. If she finds herself in the same place as my W and me, she throws terrible tantrums and really embarrasses the kids, who are very fond of my W and find themselves being emotionally manipulated by my xW's behaviour. Friends and family long ago stopped inviting her anywhere, but occasionally we find ourselves in the same place as the town we live in is very small.

 

I have been trying to protect my W from my xW's outrageous behaviour, and have found myself trying to check whether my xW will be anywhere before we make plans to go there. I had hoped that she would have gotten over herself by now - I left her about two years ago - but she shows no sign of moving on, despite having had a brief R herself soon after the split. I've tried explaining to her that her behaviour is affecting the kids badly - they no longer want to see her, as she embarrasses them - but she's incapable of seeing beyond her own emotions.

 

She has refused to consider IC, preferring to self-medicate with alcohol, and has become increasingly self-destructive. I need to protect my kids and my W from her, but do not know how to do this in a way that doesn't provoke some frenzy of destruction, aimed either at us or at herself. Any advice?

[curiou]

I can only offer sympathy but I don't know an easy solution that would pass legal muster.

[phineas]

video tape the next time she freaks on your W & get a restraining order.

It's harrasment.

Pure & simple.

[LisaUk]

There are two sides to every story, what was your part in the breakdown of your first marriage? Given that it "seems" to be all your xw's doing in your mind, maybe these angry outbursts are also being interpreted by you as somehting they are not? Perhaps if you tried to look at things form your xw perspective and then maybe had an adult conversation with her were you acknowledge your part in all of this?

 

On the other hand, a few people really do have issues, really are unreasonable. In that case a restraining order (if your xw really is unreasonable) would be the way to go.

[whichwayisup]

She has refused to consider IC, preferring to self-medicate with alcohol, and has become increasingly self-destructive. I need to protect my kids and my W from her, but do not know how to do this in a way that doesn't provoke some frenzy of destruction, aimed either at us or at herself. Any advice?

 

Talk to a lawyer..

 

But, in the meantime, talk to her parents, your ex inlaws..Or someone close to her.

 

Your EX is messed up and having issues, she HAS to do some form of counselling and be on meds. She also isn't stable, something you need to talk to about with your lawyer.

 

Your kids know mom isn't right, isn't well and this IS affecting them. Instead of fighting this, you and your current wife should try to help her into counselling (for the kids sake, if they see how supportive you are, and willing to get their mom help, it'll be easier down the road for everyone) so she can be a healthier person aka, better mom to her kids.