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What's a graceful, honorable, way to exit?


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Old 3rd December 2009, 5:56 PM   #1
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What's a graceful, honorable, way to exit?

Okay. I've read horrible stories here of Walk-aways running away into the arms of lovers half their age. Of spouses (mostly) being completely blindsided. Of pain that will take years to heal (if ever). Etc.

Many people believe that there is no justifiable to leave a marriage other than the three A's (Abuse, Adultery, and Addiction). I happen to think people can and do grow apart, and that is a real and valid reason. Or people can realize they married for the wrong reasons.

If you agree that "growing apart" actually can be a valid reason (or maybe you realize you actually married for the wrong reasons)...

What would a "graceful exit" look like to you? Is there such thing as an amicable parting of the ways?
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Old 3rd December 2009, 6:21 PM   #2
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IMHO a truly graceful parting would be to ensure you have done everything in your power to look inside yourself, allow your husband the opportunity to make amends/changes, meet your needs, forgive the past and if the spouse still can not or more likely does not want to meet your REALISTIC needs then a parting is in order. Once you have gone through this process it should hopefully be self evident to the both of you. If you don't want to go through that then just leave. Not sure if you have kids but it definately makes a difference. Some people who go through this process are very happy they did not just because they are in love with there spouse but also because they learned and discovered more about themselves.
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Old 3rd December 2009, 6:26 PM   #3
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Just wondering.. didn't you and your husband just start marriage counseling recently? I get that you've been feeling a certain way for quite a while thinking about and appear to have already made up your mind. Have you given the counseling a real try to work? You and your husband just recently even had a revealing conversation.

Back to your original question. Considering that I was blindsided by my ex wife just moving out one day while at I was at work I can tell you that is NOT a good way.

Forthright direct approach is best. Lay everything on the table.. I mean everything. Yep, you may have to face a lot of things you don't want to see or deal with. If you are really at your last scrap of the marriage he'd better hear all of it from you now. If you truly believe that this marriage is completely unsalvageable with 100% sustained effort on BOTH parts for a year then tell him you want out.

or

You could be a deceptive coward like my ex wife was and others whose stories you may have read here. I can look back now and see where my ex tried to communicate her unhappiness but it was like trying to read smoke signals from 10 miles away without knowing the code.

COMMUNICATE! In a language he can understand.
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Old 3rd December 2009, 6:37 PM   #4
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I do feel people can grow apart & that is because they haven't been doing the things during there marriage that they should...

People need to grow together, learn what each others strong points are & there weaknesses are & help build each other from that.

There is also three parts to a marriage, him, her, us.....People get to involved in there work, there kids, there ????? & forget to do things for themselves or for each other......

I really don't think there is a good way to leave a marriage, someone will get hurt no matter what & that includes kids......

Sorry might have gotten off topic just a bit, but it just makes me sad to read when people are trying to validate leaving a marriage.
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Old 3rd December 2009, 6:38 PM   #5
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I really don't think there is a good way to leave a marriage, someone will get hurt no matter what & that includes kids......
There may not be a good way but there sure are some awful ones.
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Old 3rd December 2009, 6:57 PM   #6
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There may not be a good way but there sure are some awful ones.
Yes sumdude, you're right! I think my stbxh may have taken the cake on that one...if he hasn't than he's a close second!! What a coward!!!

I also like your way of describing your ex's communications of unhappiness. I think my stbxh's smoke signals were coming from 100 miles away!!
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Old 3rd December 2009, 7:35 PM   #7
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I don't agree that people JUST grow apart. I'm going to be quite harsh here, so sorry in advance, but I feel I have to say this as I see it, for your own benefit. I have read lots of your posts this evening and all I can see is you searching, in many different ways for one same goal. You're looking for a justification to yourself for you to leave your H guilt free.

Ask yourself, why do you need to justify it if you really think it's ok to leave without trying?

Not saying this to be mean, but just b/c I think that deep down in your heart you know, even though you don't feel like trying, that you once loved this man, you made a commitment, not only to him, but to you both, as a union, to honour your marriage and sometimes that means doing things we find hard. You know deep down that to walk away from a marriage you must have given it everything you have, tried first, even if that isn't what's easy or what you want right now. No amount of wrestling with yourself is going to make it guilt free, the only thing that will is if you try, REALLY try and if it still does not improve, you and your H will eventually, in time agree to go your seperate ways. I know it must be difficult but please try and remember why you loved this man.
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Old 3rd December 2009, 10:04 PM   #8
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I don't agree that people JUST grow apart. I'm going to be quite harsh here, so sorry in advance, but I feel I have to say this as I see it, for your own benefit. I have read lots of your posts this evening and all I can see is you searching, in many different ways for one same goal. You're looking for a justification to yourself for you to leave your H guilt free.

Ask yourself, why do you need to justify it if you really think it's ok to leave without trying?

Not saying this to be mean, but just b/c I think that deep down in your heart you know, even though you don't feel like trying, that you once loved this man, you made a commitment, not only to him, but to you both, as a union, to honour your marriage and sometimes that means doing things we find hard. You know deep down that to walk away from a marriage you must have given it everything you have, tried first, even if that isn't what's easy or what you want right now. No amount of wrestling with yourself is going to make it guilt free, the only thing that will is if you try, REALLY try and if it still does not improve, you and your H will eventually, in time agree to go your seperate ways. I know it must be difficult but please try and remember why you loved this man.
You have some good points. I'll think on them.

I am not posting because I'm trying to assuage myself from feeling guilty. It's more that I really DO want to hear from others who have gone through this... and regretted it... or not.... and why. I want to hear from others who HAVE "tried" even when they don't feel like trying at all... and were able to turn things around... or not.

My very first post was whether it's possible to bring sexual attraction back into the relationship when it's gone. I received a handful of replies on that post, but nobody came forth with a story of their trying to turn their feelings around and they succeeded (or failed).

Oh, I remember how things were in the beginning and why I loved him. In a way, that's still there. It's just that... we both have changed. The original foundation of our relationship ... the kind of relationship we shared... is no longer what I need or desire. I am not the same person I was back then. Neither is he. So basically, to make the marriage really work (and not just co-exist), we have to start all over again. We have to start new. Not based on what we had. Because I'd never go for that type of relationship again, with him or anyone else. We have to basically start over from scratch.

Normally when you start out with someone, there is an initial attraction. There is no real attraction for me. So it's like asking me to fall in love with someone who I am not attracted to. And it's hard.
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Old 4th December 2009, 10:24 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post
So basically, to make the marriage really work (and not just co-exist), we have to start all over again. We have to start new. Not based on what we had. Because I'd never go for that type of relationship again, with him or anyone else. We have to basically start over from scratch.

Normally when you start out with someone, there is an initial attraction. There is no real attraction for me. So it's like asking me to fall in love with someone who I am not attracted to. And it's hard.
I imagine it is like starting over and if you both can look at it that way, maybe just maybe it could be something exciting rather than a burden.

So when you first met your husband, when you were dating, when you were first married was the attraction there?
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Old 4th December 2009, 10:31 AM   #10
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I have personally never left anyone in anger. What I try to do is leave it on terms where I say it's just not working out because we're not compatible. If I'm on my way out, then that means there have already been discussions and attempts to work it out so there's no point in going down that road again. I keep it simple and don't put blame on anyone. Unfortunately, most of the time you'll find that no matter how kind you try to be, most people aren't going to accept it well. You just have to do it the way you think is right and don't let them suck you into the drama.
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Old 4th December 2009, 12:45 PM   #11
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What would a "graceful exit" look like to you? Is there such thing as an amicable parting of the ways?
Yes.

But it requires grace, honor, integrity and fairness on both sides. That can be difficult if one partner is more reluctant to let go than the other, or your discussions about it take place when either one of you are angry, resentful, or still reeling from a recent disagreement or tiff.

I don’t believe in slinking off like some thief in the night. Or exiting a relationship without the common courtesy of informing your partner that you’ve broken up with them... unless of course, you genuinely fear for your safety and are running for your life. Regardless of your present feelings (or lack thereof) towards your partner, they are still a human being and worthy of being treated as such. This was someone who was at one time a significant part of your life. You can’t change that, or the memories that will be a part of who you are forever. And if you share children together, they will remain a significant part of you life. Better for everyone’s future happiness (especially the children) to not make an enemy out of the person you once cared enough for to invest your life in.

Choose an appropriate time between the two of you to sit down and have a discussion. Preferably a calm and peaceful time, again when neither one of you are still feeling defensive or resentful over a recent disagreement or situation. If you’re worried it may be a hot-button subject that gets out of hand, than save it for the marital councilor’s office where there is someone in position to mediate your discussions and hopefully defuse any emotions that may get out of hand --- assuming of course, you’ve taken that step already. If not, than I would also personally recommend it as some others have. Marital counseling isn’t necessarily geared towards ‘preventing’ divorce or ‘saving’ a marriage... rather it provides a structured venue for couple’s to sort out their thoughts and feelings, both in regard to themselves and with each other.

While divorce can be a shock to the system, in most instances, it comes as no surprise or blindside to either partner. Most people who have been together long enough are in tune with each other and their relationship enough to know when things are not right between them. Regardless of how much we try to brush off, ignor, endure, or hope things will get better... sometimes, despite all our efforts, it just doesn’t. Just because you happen to be the “wife” instead of the “husband” who initiates the unpleasant inevitable doesn’t necessarily make you what has been labeled here as a “W.A.W”. Not unless your husband is completely unaware of your discontent and is being made to believe that everything is just honky-dory between you and you are perfectly happy and content with your situation. If that’s the case, than there’s a serious lack of honest communication between the two of you and it’s a darn miracle you even made it together this long.

But even having said ALL that , I still believe that the one choosing to exit the relationship first should be the one most willing to bend and make the most concessions. In other words... don’t clean the poor guy out. And if you have children together, don’t allow them to become a point of contention between you. Be generous and try and make this transition as agreeable and comfortable for him as possible. That may mean leaving behind a lot more than just a marriage, an ex-husband and a few unfulfilled dreams before beginning the process of restructuring your life.

Most of all... stay grounded, dig deep, search your soul, and make sure you’re really prepared for the ‘reality’ that divorce brings rather than the ‘imaging’ of what your life might be like once you’re finally clear and free.
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Old 4th December 2009, 1:06 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by SimplyBeingLoved View Post
I've read horrible stories here of Walk-aways running away into the arms of lovers half their age.
Half? In my situation my STBXW is almost 3 times as old as her new BF.

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What would a "graceful exit" look like to you? Is there such thing as an amicable parting of the ways?
Graceful? Wanna sprinkle perfume on it and cover the exit walk way with rose petals? Wear your best evening gown? No, graceful is the wrong word.
IMO, Talk to your spouse. Try to communicate your feelings. Go to MC. Do anything you can or the spouse wants to try to fix whatever happened to tear you apart. Give up the AP. Do all this 100% with all of your heart. Then if there is still nothing I think you will BOTH agree a D is the best option.

If my STBXW had tried even one time and it couldn't work, then OK, I wish her the best. Now? She can rot in He.... Oops, got carried away. Now, I couldn't care less about her if the D goes through. Never want to be her friend. For now I still love her.
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Old 4th December 2009, 1:16 PM   #13
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Yes sumdude, you're right! I think my stbxh may have taken the cake on that one...if he hasn't than he's a close second!! What a coward!!!!!
Mine is right up near the top of THAT list. Maybe #1?

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I also like your way of describing your ex's communications of unhappiness. I think my stbxh's smoke signals were coming from 100 miles away!!
Mine didn't even start a fire...
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Old 4th December 2009, 2:31 PM   #14
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[QUOTE=SimplyBeingLoved;2519979]You have some good points. I'll think on them.

I am not posting because I'm trying to assuage myself from feeling guilty. It's more that I really DO want to hear from others who have gone through this... and regretted it... or not.... and why.I have seen a few people since I have been on LS, that have deeply regreted leaving. One lady a couple of months back, regretted it after 6 months and asked her H to take her back, he told her to get lost, too late. I'm sure you will find plenty that are happy with their decision also, but this isn't about them, this is about YOU. If you are trying to decide by asking to hear others stories, then you are uncertain and there is still enough fight left in you to save your marriage IMO. I want to hear from others who HAVE "tried" even when they don't feel like trying at all... and were able to turn things around... or not.

My very first post was whether it's possible to bring sexual attraction back into the relationship when it's gone. I received a handful of replies on that post, but nobody came forth with a story of their trying to turn their feelings around and they succeeded (or failed). For many people, myself included, sex is more than an act, it involves emotion and intimacy. If you are unhappy in your marriage then clearly your sexual attraction to your spouse is going to go. However, I beleive it will come back, once the relationship is better, once you are happy and have stronger feelings of love for your spouse again.

Oh, I remember how things were in the beginning and why I loved him. In a way, that's still there. It's just that... we both have changed. The original foundation of our relationship ... the kind of relationship we shared... is no longer what I need or desire.OK, so you don't want the kind of relationship that you wanted years ago, I am not the same person I was back then. Neither is he.true, everyone changes and grows over the years, but neither of you have morphed into different beings! Essentially at the root of your souls you are both the person the other fell in love with. Why can you not give this some time and just see if you can build upon that? So basically, to make the marriage really work (and not just co-exist), we have to start all over again. We have to start new. Not based on what we had. Because I'd never go for that type of relationship again, with him or anyone else. We have to basically start over from scratch.

Normally when you start out with someone, there is an initial attraction. There is no real attraction for me. So it's like asking me to fall in love with someone who I am not attracted to. And it's hard.Yes, that must be difficult, but again why are you focusing so much on what he isn't and how he doesn't meet your needs, why are you not paying attention to the fact that he is willing to work on things? There was another thread I was reading, that I think maybe you posted on also, where there is a debate going on about how WAW are selfish and someone said the dumpees were selfish for wanting the WAW to stay. Yes, there is an element of selfishness there on the part of those left, BUT, most of those left are willing to work to make the potential WAW happy, to meet them half way, or even further if neccessary. Most dumpees don't want their spouse to be unhappy, at the end of the day we love the leaver, why would we want them to be miserable? The selfish element comes from the WAW, the dumpee is willing to bend over backwards to secure BOTH persons happiness, the WAW is only concerned with theirs, that is the difference. Why would you leave someone who cares so deeply for you, that would do anything it takes to make you happy? Do you think that is ten a penny, that you will easliy find that with someone else? Why give up something so precious? Yes, I know you are unhappy now, but that does not mean that with some hard work you will not be happy with your H again.[/QUOTE]

I guess what I am saying is this, if you walk and don't try, you will always have to wonder, if you try first and give it a good amount of time you may be pleasantly surprised and if not what have you lost that you wouldn't have had anyway if you choose to walk now?
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Old 4th December 2009, 2:50 PM   #15
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when you split it splits both ways. one will be happy, relieved one will not be.
the key for the one that were happy is to look deep within. Look hard. If they want to walk away.................hey bloody hell........ why would i want somebody not like minded as me?? if its 1 month 50 years the pain is the similar. but hey who wants to live a lie?? not I xx
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