We will sign D papers tomorrow. QUESTION -->

[FeelingLonely98]

STBXW is coming over tomorrow with the last info. to input on the D forms. Then we'll get them notarized and then I'll take it all to the courthouse, Then we wait for a court date.

 

It feels like we should talk about something. IDK. She has all "her" stuff out of the house. Wants nothing else from me. (no alimony, no asset / debt division). (no kids involved.)

 

Do I just say "have a nice life"? I mean when we are done and are leaving the notary place - do I just carry on with my 180 and just sya "ok, thanks, bye"? SO WEIRD...

 

How would all handle this? Might be the last time I ever speak to her. I'm kinda sad.

 

Though in some ways I feel I still love her, well, I do not want to be her "friend". Not with everything she did to me and her running around screwing an 18 YO bf.

 

Thank you LS friends ...

 

~~~HELP~~~

[fooled once]

Wish her well.

 

Tell her you hope she finds happiness.

 

I don't know what to tell ya. When I divorced, we shared a child.

 

Communication (if that is what you call it) lasted until my S graduated h/s.

 

Haven't seen or spoken to him since.

 

I wish I had known it was the last time I would see / talk to him, I would have told him to F off

[boldjack]

There is no need for drama. Like the old saying<" least said, soonest mended". Say nothing to her except good bye, anything else will be counter-productive.

[CarrieT]

Wish her well.

 

Tell her you hope she finds happiness.

 

 

I think that is very gracious and kind. And living the golden rule, can only return to you threefold.

 

Being pleasant is always preferable to nasty, isn't it?

[Aksion]

Think I may have said this earlier, but I'm actually giving her a different time to meet me at the bank at a different time than I will be there so I don't have to see her. Then just returning afterward. No awkward seeing each other. No feelings. No me relapsing into any "I love you" talk. Simple and least pain as possible for me.

[Trimmer]

I think that is very gracious and kind. And living the golden rule, can only return to you threefold.

 

Being pleasant is always preferable to nasty, isn't it?

I agree with Carrie. If you can say it with a genuine tone (which probably means you should mean it...) then no problem being gracious.

 

On the other hand, if there's any chance that at the last minute, the fangs will come out and it comes off as sarcastic (and you could say "Hope you find happiness..." quite sarcastically, couldn't you???), then you would just be doing more damage, and it might be better to make separate appointments at the notary, as Aksion suggests. Nothing wrong with that, either.

 

My ex (who chose to leave our marriage, and I was quite hurt by it) has commented several times and very appreciatively about my being gracious - she knows it could easily have gone the other way. But we have kids together, so if that had anything to do with setting a civil tone between us, it's been well worth it, for their sake.

 

Luckily, (sounds somehow odd to say that...) you don't have kids, so you've got a little more flexibility. What do you think will make you feel better, what do you think will help you heal, what kind of person do you want to see yourself as, in retrospect? I'm not a big revenge person; I'm more aligned with the take-the-high-road attitude, but that's just me.

Edited October 26, 2009 by Trimmer

[trippi1432]

I'm not gonna offer advice....here FL....good luck and do the best thing for you.

 

Hugs,

[threebyfate]

Since my last marriage didn't part amicably, albeit things have been fully made up to the point where he's going to photograph my upcoming wedding (who'da thunk, huh? ), we had our lawyers either running mediation or taking care of most of it.

 

Do whatever makes sense to you. Even if you want to give her a hug or give her hell, do whatever suits you, as at that moment. Just make certain that whatever you do, there are no regrets. Good luck!

[FeelingLonely98]

Since my last marriage didn't part amicably, albeit things have been fully made up to the point where he's going to photograph my upcoming wedding (who'da thunk, huh? ), we had our lawyers either running mediation or taking care of most of it.

 

Do whatever makes sense to you. Even if you want to give her a hug or give her hell, do whatever suits you, as at that moment. Just make certain that whatever you do, there are no regrets. Good luck!

 

That is ironic tbf. Glad it is now amicable. I don't believe that as long as my 47 yr old STBXW is cavorting around (and soon to shacking up!) with an 18 yo BF I will want to be friendly with her.

 

Anyway, TY all for the advice. I have taken the high road throughout this mess, have been super nice, have been NC (to her delight) (except where necessary), ETC. Though I may feel like acting differently, I have not. It serves no purpose, won't make me feel better, and that's not me.

 

I will probably make small talk (how's the new job, how's your Mom, ...?)

Then after leaving the notary, I'll probably just tell her that I will let her know when the court date is (it will come to our home address I suppose) and take care - goodbye.

[FeelingLonely98]

I guess there are three things I wish I knew - but I won't ask her of course - just baffles my mind:

1) I wish I knew how she turned it off practically overnight. A few weeks before she told me she wants a D (59 days ago), we were H and W as we had been for 7 years - loving, caring, supportive, intimate, ... (Actually for the 7 yrs of M and 16 years of being in the relationship) Maybe I was blind to see it but she sure seemed happy and in love and content.

2) If she truly was unhappy and not in love for years like she claimed on that day 59 days ago, then how the hell (and why the hell) did she seem so happy and in love? ("Hi Honey" or "Hi Babe" every day when coming home or when I got home, kisses when arriving or leaving, s*x 2 or 3 times a week on average, going out a lot to restaurants, movies, shopping, watching TV together almost every night, holding hands while driving in the car, ETC. --> I could go on).

3) When I told her a month ago I would initiate the D papers for her, she asked me "what is the rush". I didn't tell her this but I felt that if she wouldn't try to work on the marriage AND she was having s*x with her 18 yr old BF, then I didn't want to remain married. I wanted to know why she thought it was being "rushed"?

 

I attribute her actions and running away from the M and family on a MLC, and not so much to me. See my other post. (Don't get me wrong, I saw my faults and I am a MUCH better person now than I was then, but even back then I was a damn good H to her.) If the "reasons" she gave 59 days ago were not there she would have discovered different issues to apply (money, household, ... whatever she could have used) different issues to apply to justify her actions and reduce her guilt and push the blame on me. But, she ran from a good marriage and has done some horrible things and I think as a consequence the M is over. How sad, I would have loved her forever.

 

Thoughts?

Edited October 26, 2009 by FeelingLonely98

[dgiirl]

My exh's last departing words? "Ok, bye bye... drive safe" (I had a 6 hr drive ahead of me)

 

Mine? "Yep"... What I really wanted to say "FU"

 

Honestly, after 11 years together, and the only thing he has to say about our relationship and marriage is "Ok, bye bye".

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=862959&postcount=52

[KTMRider33]

I guess there are three things I wish I knew - but I won't ask her of course - just baffles my mind:

1) I wish I knew how she turned it off practically overnight. A few weeks before she told me she wants a D (59 days ago), we were H and W as we had been for 7 years - loving, caring, supportive, intimate, ... (Actually for the 7 yrs of M and 16 years of being in the relationship) Maybe I was blind to see it but she sure seemed happy and in love and content.

2) If she truly was unhappy and not in love for years like she claimed on that day 59 days ago, then how the hell (and why the hell) did she seem so happy and in love? ("Hi Honey" or "Hi Babe" every day when coming home or when I got home, kisses when arriving or leaving, s*x 2 or 3 times a week on average, going out a lot to restaurants, movies, shopping, watching TV together almost every night, holding hands while driving in the car, ETC. --> I could go on).

3) When I told her a month ago I would initiate the D papers for her, she asked me "what is the rush". I didn't tell her this but I felt that if she wouldn't try to work on the marriage AND she was having s*x with her 18 yr old BF, then I didn't want to remain married. I wanted to know why she thought it was being "rushed"?

 

I attribute her actions and running away from the M and family on a MLC, and not so much to me. See my other post. (Don't get me wrong, I saw my faults and I am a MUCH better person now than I was then, but even back then I was a damn good H to her.) If the "reasons" she gave 59 days ago were not there she would have discovered different issues to apply (money, household, ... whatever she could have used) different issues to apply to justify her actions and reduce her guilt and push the blame on me. But, she ran from a good marriage and has done some horrible things and I think as a consequence the M is over. How sad, I would have loved her forever.

 

Thoughts?

 

Well my thoughts.....

1) She's been turning off her feelings for some time.....in fact with MLC she will feel emotionally dead, my understanding is that's why they form an addiction to the OW/OM as it's the only thing that makes them feel anything. Like you I had 15yrs of what I thought was great, and was blindsided with ILYBNILWY, only difference is we have kids and OM isn't 18!!! But you know if it wasn't him it would be somebody else. There is nothing special about him, he is not a knight in shining armour.

In fact I feel sorry for the poor guy!!!!

2) She's re-writing history...think about it, is anybody that good at acting? Could she really hide how she felt for that long? Not a chance.

She has to justify her behavior, she may be in denial for some time to come....My STBX could see NOTHING good about our 15 years together before she left, not one single thing......six months down the road she is struggling to remember why she left!!!! Madness.

As we all know no relationship is perfect, and the LBS is in danger of only remembering the good, but it would appear in most MLC cases, the STBX, runs away from themselves and their own internal pain.....it has NOTHING to do with how good bad or indifferent the relationship is, it's about her not you.

3) I got EXACTLY the same response....never have I heard anything crazier!!!!! So you committed adultery, left me, said hurtfull spiteful things to me.......and your SURPRISED I filed for divorce, and you think I'm rushing things FFS!!!!!!

 

One thing I have learned through all this, is to treat your MLC Spouse as an alien inhabiting the body of your wife......Don't believe a word she says, detach for your own sanity, and let her go.

You may have found this forum but I'll post a link in case.

Lots and lots of good information and advice from guys in the same situation as us.

 

http://www.pathpartners.com/forum

 

Take it a day at a time, it will get better.

There is a general pattern that emerges, I was very cynical to start with, but my STBX has played it out to a tee.

[FeelingLonely98]

Well my thoughts.....

 

One thing I have learned through all this, is to treat your MLC Spouse as an alien inhabiting the body of your wife......Don't believe a word she says, detach for your own sanity, and let her go.

 

Take it a day at a time, it will get better.

There is a general pattern that emerges, I was very cynical to start with, but my STBX has played it out to a tee.

 

Thanks KTMR - Good Stuff. I'll check out the link.

About the bold above - - - I do feel that the STBX is not my W of 7 yrs. / partner of 16 yrs.

AND, my STBXW has walked down the center of the

MLC path since day 1.

 

WTF, why me?

 

PEACE!

[GorillaTheater]

Thanks KTMR - Good Stuff. I'll check out the link.

About the bold above - - - I do feel that the STBX is not my W of 7 yrs. / partner of 16 yrs.

AND, my STBXW has walked down the center of the

MLC path since day 1.

 

WTF, why me?

 

PEACE!

 

One question: sounds like this is a "do it yourself" divorce. Have you considered getting a consultation with a lawyer just to look things over to make sure it's legally binding and that nothing has been overlooked?

[FeelingLonely98]

One question: sounds like this is a "do it yourself" divorce. Have you considered getting a consultation with a lawyer just to look things over to make sure it's legally binding and that nothing has been overlooked?

 

I did GT. A family attorney actually told me about the forms in our state. Apparently, a D is easy if there are no disagreements - which so far there are not. That's why I'm doing this now - as long as she is with BF, all is beautiful in her world - after the BF she may look at things more clearly. Pretty pathetic IMO, many states have a 6 month (or more) waiting period. Not in FL.

 

How prophetic though that it costs 4X as much to

submit D paper as it does to apply for a marriage. Maybe

it should be harder (i.e., more $$) to get married?

[GorillaTheater]

Okay, great. I think you're doing the right things and for the right reasons, I just didn't want to see you get blind-sided.

 

How did it go when your stepson told the stbxw that he was going to live with you?

[FeelingLonely98]

Okay, great. I think you're doing the right things and for the right reasons, I just didn't want to see you get blind-sided.

 

How did it go when your stepson told the stbxw that he was going to live with you?

 

GT: It didn't go well apparently --> appears 47 yr old STBXW laid a BIG guilt trip on him (I'm your Mom, Step-Dad is not family, ...ETC.) Now he is leaning towards going to live with her. I suppose he is afraid of hurting the Mother-Son relationship. Even though she knows he would be uncomfortable with her and her 18 yr old BF. To me that is EXTREMELY selfish act and she is only thinking of herself. When friends ask her about her new place with the BF, then they ask how her son likes it - well, she is NOT gonna want to tell them that he chose to live with my XH. I know her - she should let him do what's best for him - but she won't. This whole MLC / D / OM deal is all about her her her - not a single thought as to how it affects anyone else. Thanks GT.

 

PEACE!

[Aksion]

I did GT. A family attorney actually told me about the forms in our state. Apparently, a D is easy if there are no disagreements - which so far there are not. That's why I'm doing this now - as long as she is with BF, all is beautiful in her world - after the BF she may look at things more clearly. Pretty pathetic IMO, many states have a 6 month (or more) waiting period. Not in FL.

 

How prophetic though that it costs 4X as much to

submit D paper as it does to apply for a marriage. Maybe

it should be harder (i.e., more $$) to get married?

 

Exactly why I have in our separation papers that she is responsible for half of the divorce fees. Ya know -- since she's the one that wanted this, figure the least she can do is pay half.

[FeelingLonely98]

Exactly why I have in our separation papers that she is responsible for half of the divorce fees. Ya know -- since she's the one that wanted this, figure the least she can do is pay half.

 

I thought about that Aksion. However, if I get out of this with the $80 notary fees and the $425 D papers submission fees, then WOW, am I lucky or what. I want to maintain my image of nice guy thru all of this (for what I'm not sure other than I am a nice guy). I've maintained my dignity and shown I was a bigger person than her throughout.

I don't think I've wimped out though. It is only day 59 and I am finishing up the D papers soon and have moved ALL her stuff out of the house already. I will keep her cats though 'til she gets her own place.

 

TY Aksion

 

PEACE!

[GorillaTheater]

GT: It didn't go well apparently --> appears 47 yr old STBXW laid a BIG guilt trip on him (I'm your Mom, Step-Dad is not family, ...ETC.) Now he is leaning towards going to live with her. I suppose he is afraid of hurting the Mother-Son relationship. Even though she knows he would be uncomfortable with her and her 18 yr old BF. To me that is EXTREMELY selfish act and she is only thinking of herself. When friends ask her about her new place with the BF, then they ask how her son likes it - well, she is NOT gonna want to tell them that he chose to live with my XH. I know her - she should let him do what's best for him - but she won't. This whole MLC / D / OM deal is all about her her her - not a single thought as to how it affects anyone else.

 

Your stepson is in a tough spot. Yeah, he hates what she's doing and doesn't want to be around it, but he's just a kid and doesn't want to hurt his mom. I get that.

 

Just tell him that you love him and that he'll always be welcome at your place, that the offer to live with you still stands.

[FeelingLonely98]

Your stepson is in a tough spot. Yeah, he hates what she's doing and doesn't want to be around it, but he's just a kid and doesn't want to hurt his mom. I get that.

 

Well, he will be 20 in a few weeks - so yeah he sort of is a kid, but not really.

 

Just tell him that you love him and that he'll always be welcome at your place, that the offer to live with you still stands.

 

I've told him that. I suppose after he leaves I will keep the option open for a while for him to move back - meaning that I won't do anything with his room for a bit. However, after a while I will need to probably do something with that room, i.e., I need to assume he will NOT come back, just like I am planning life around the fact that the STBXW will never be back. I may make it into an office, a den, a room for one of my two sons. They have always shared the other BR and maybe would rather their own room????? IDK, we'll see ... for now I will be dignified in my actions and supportive of his decision.

 

TY GT.

 

PEACE!

[MrMayI]

I thought about that Aksion. However, if I get out of this with the $80 notary fees and the $425 D papers submission fees, then WOW, am I lucky or what. I want to maintain my image of nice guy thru all of this (for what I'm not sure other than I am a nice guy). I've maintained my dignity and shown I was a bigger person than her throughout.

I don't think I've wimped out though. It is only day 59 and I am finishing up the D papers soon and have moved ALL her stuff out of the house already. I will keep her cats though 'til she gets her own place.

 

TY Aksion

 

PEACE!

 

maintaining my dignity was clutch for me through it all. admittedly, i pleaded at the very beginning, but i never let her see a tear. i acted swiftly and promptly when word of even a possible affair got back to me. good for you FL98. you're doing great. i'm in a position of confusion today, but as several people have told me in regards to my divorce, "you came out smelling like a rose".

[FeelingLonely98]

maintaining my dignity was clutch for me through it all. admittedly, i pleaded at the very beginning, but i never let her see a tear. i acted swiftly and promptly when word of even a possible affair got back to me. good for you FL98. you're doing great. i'm in a position of confusion today, but as several people have told me in regards to my divorce, "you came out smelling like a rose".

 

Exactly, being a bastard to her will not make me feel any better - plus, that's not who I am. At this point I feel very sorry for my 47 yr old STBXW with her 18 yo BF - She thinks she's running towards "happiness". I think she is delusional, in need of serious therapy, has not a penny to her name, and will soon get her heart broken. She's ruined a good M, one that a great chance of recovery when she first told me everything, but she wouldn't give up her BF to work on us. Sad. Feel sorry for her more than anything now.

 

I suppose I will come out smelling like a rose as well.

 

Why are you in a position of confusion today? Is your D final?

[Aksion]

I'm not saying to be an ignorant bastard, I've said it before, I refuse to hurt my wife or wish what she has done to my head on her. However, when she left, she took me for around 1200$ and broke away completely with only her belongings in the house. Since, I've struggled to pay the bills and don't have that safety net of money I once had because she took it. She left you. Just like my wife left me, and I don't see why she shouldn't pay for at least half of the D fees. Also, it costs fr a notary there? My bank does it for free.

[MrMayI]

 

Why are you in a position of confusion today? Is your D final?

 

it is. became final on 10/13. i'm thinking she may have gotten her copy from my attorney last week. if you've seen my most recent thread, she gave me some indication she's regretting decisions. not sure why i'm confused. my ex and i will always have a chance, if it happens. that is not me holding out hope.

 

looking back over my marriage, i really wanted out longer than i thought i did. i was miserable for well over the last year, before her EA even started. i'm all over the map with thoughts.

Edited October 26, 2009 by MrMayI