ognosticone Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 My wife had an affair. I know she is done with the guy because he is in Iraq. Two days after admitting to the affair she told me she was moving out, and she did. She says she needs to know that she can make it on her own and be independent. She says she needs to "find herself." We agreed not to date while seperated. That's a good sign right? She says she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work things out, but won't talk to me about anything until we get in front of a marriage counselor. This is OK I guess. I need her affection and intimacy to get past the affair, but she is not giving it. We spend every waking moment together. We just sleep in different places most of the time. Since she rarely shows me love, I wonder if she even wants me anymore. We have a 19 month old so it makes it even harder. We do share custody, and she tells me she won't try to take her away from me. Is my marriage over? Is there hope? Will she ever get out of her funk and find herself? I love her so much. I want my wife back. Link to post Share on other sites
Tony T Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 I don't know if your marriage is over but it is in critical condition. Knowing the age of your wife would be extremely helpful here. If she's young, this adultery is more understandable (NOT excusable). Now isn't it special that she's not cheating anymore because the guy is in Iraq. That's like me not swimming in the lake anymore because it's been drained. Agreeing not to date during the separation is more bad than good but I wouldn't give it a whole lot of weight one way or the other. It's pretty immaterial. You've obviously been doing or not doing something to make her unhappy and she doesn't want to see you until it can be worked out in counselling. But don't get your hopes up. Counsellors can only help marriages where the partners have gone during the early stages of problems. You haven't given enough detail to know just why she strayed or what problems she has with the relationship. The problems could be too far down for help to do any good or she may have totally disbonded with you already. Women who are unhappy will mentally disbond with a man while they are with him...so when they leave they are pretty much over it. This "finding herself" stuff is a bunch of crap. All she's trying to decide is if she wants to go through the BS of getting a divorce and finding someone else or hanging in there with you for financial or other considerations. You don't want her in your life if she's unhappy. There could be hormonal problems involved. Having a baby plays havoc with a woman's body chemistry and that could be a consideration. You need to get into counselling with her ASAP so you can get this resolved. If you can't afford counselling, find a church, university or other mental health organization that can provide in on an ability to pay basis. Get help soon so you can come to a resolution of this and get on with your life. Link to post Share on other sites
HokeyReligions Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 This "finding herself" stuff is a bunch of crap. All she's trying to decide is if she wants to go through the BS of getting a divorce and finding someone else or hanging in there with you for financial or other considerations. You don't want her in your life if she's unhappy. . "Finding herself" probably means that she needs to build her own self-confidence and self-respect. Proving to herself that she can live independently is important. If she doens't like herself, or doesn't have confidence or self respect, it makes it pretty darn difficult to work on a marriage. It may not have anything at all to do with deciding if she wants a divorce! There could be hormonal problems involved. Having a baby plays havoc with a woman's body chemistry and that could be a consideration This is what I think is likely. Get to a marriage counselor. Get her to a doctor and check her for postpartum depression and other illnessess commonly associated with pregnancy/ post pregnancy. Be patient. PATIENT! Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Seuss Posted April 2, 2003 Share Posted April 2, 2003 [color=darkred]So your wife is done with this guy because he's in Iraq. Well, what about when he comes back from Iraq? What if she finds another guy that interests her just as much at a later date? I think the marriage counselor is a good idea, but it doesn't look like too bright of a day ahead of you. It sounds to me, as I said in another forum on the same subject, that she's ready to "live a little". I could be wrong, but its my opinion. Drew [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
Author ognosticone Posted April 3, 2003 Author Share Posted April 3, 2003 Last night she told me she wanted a platonic relationship. So I figure I'l give her just that. She wants a seperation, but wants to be together all the time. That's over. She is going to have to deal with life on her own. If she comes around in a couple of months... great, but for now, life goes on. I am so tempted to go satisfy MY NEEDS elsewhere. Is this wrong? Link to post Share on other sites
Ally Boo Posted April 3, 2003 Share Posted April 3, 2003 You are doing a classic here. You only want to satisfy your needs elsewhere to get back at her. Or to medicate your hurt. That's not going to make it go away, in fact it's probably just going to make it worse. Why don't you just worry about yourself and getting your head on straight? See what happens. You aren't thinking straight and making a move like that is dangerous. Link to post Share on other sites
Kidd Seuss Posted April 3, 2003 Share Posted April 3, 2003 If she wants a plutonic relationship and you want to move on to greener pastures, I see nothing wrong with that. It seems to me, before any of us replied to your message, you knew the future you were probably facing. But it sounds as if you both mistook a good friendship for more. Nothing wrong with that... Stuff happens. But definately keep her as a good friend for the kiddo y'all got. Drew Link to post Share on other sites
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