Sanity come back and let him go!

[insaneheart]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]I’ll start by saying I am so sad right now I feel like my heart is choking me. This is going to be long so pull up a chair. I am 46 years old. My husband and I have separated for the second time in two years. I have been with my husband for 11 years, married for 6 of it. His daughter was 2 when we got together, she is 14 now. I’ve actually been a part of my husband’s family since I was about 12 years old because his sister, now my sister-in-law was my best friend since then up until recently. So just by that little bit of info you can see I’ve lost a lot of people I care about real quick. But let’s stick to my husband right now. We started having problems after I had my hysterectomy 4 years ago. The doctor screwed up and I was left with major chronic pain that led to sexual problems. I had a lot of stress going on at the same time with being overworked and also we had our house built which I did most of the planning on. I ended up quitting my job because I had started an online business of my own and it was doing very well. That too took up a lot of my time. Needless to say my husband started feeling neglected and truth be told I was pushing him away more than I should have. He was constantly following me around and trying to get my attention and to be honest it was turning me off and the along with the chronic pain was enough to make me think I just didn’t like him too much anymore. Well, we had a late housewarming party at our house in March of 2008 and invited friends and family. I won’t call this woman (and I choke on the word) a friend but she was my sister-in-law’s friend for almost as many years as we had been friends. Anyway I guess she and my husband started talking that night (and I never thought anything of it because she was married too and she was always a little flirty with everyone’s husbands) and I trusted her. Dumb me. My husband is a little shy unless he knows you real well and I guess she showed him a little more attention than I thought. Anyway he ended up leaving me in April of 2008 and I found out that they had been having an affair since shortly after that night. But even before I found out he was having the affair I had realized that I didn’t want to be without him and it was just the stress that led me to pushing him away. I started grieving real quick for the loss and made all the classic mistakes begging him to come back. I was so distraught that I had made the mistake of letting him go and got very depressed and even tried to commit suicide at one point. I ran my business into the ground because of neglect as I just didn’t care about anything but getting my husband back. They were already talking about living together after they got divorced. Of course my husband wasn’t so courtesy he was just ready to go set up housekeeping with her whenever she was ready. Anyway time goes by (3 months) and they started having problems, as I knew they would (she’s not a very genuine person) he had actually moved his stuff in her house but only stayed a total of about 2 weeks and she kicked him to the curb and he stays with his mother for a while. Well in the meantime we talked off and on, I tried very hard to be his friend and not mention anymore that I wanted to reconcile. Eventually he invites me over to watch football and we end up back together that night. The day he is supposed to go get the remainder of his things from the homewrecker’s house she tells him she made a mistake and doesn’t want him to leave. He tells her it’s too late. I thought end of story. He moved back home in September 2008. We make all kinds of promises and were happy. I was so happy to have him and his daughter back. I promised God if he brought them back I would never do anything for them to doubt my love again. I did all that and more. I also have to mention that by some miracle my chronic pain had subsided and that was no longer a problem. But, the business was still in the toilet and with the economy I have not been able to find new employment. I was always the bigger bread winner so it put a lot of strain on him. I still have a lot of my product for my online business that brings in some money and that I have to keep trying to get rid of but it just isn’t enough to sustain us. Anyway we have bumps along the way but I thought we were doing great. Well, in comes lil’ miss homewrecker in to the picture again. Can’t really say who calls who but they start talking again. So for the past 3 months it’s been touch and go. He says he’s going to leave and then he cries and says he doesn’t want to he loves me and doesn’t want to lose me, blah blah blah. I tell him he has to break all ties with her if he wants to work it out with me. He does for a while and then it starts again. I keep finding evidence they are talking again because at this point I don’t trust him at all so I’ve become very nosy. I try to leave and he begs me not to. I tell him to get out and he says he doesn’t want to go. So at this point I’ve had all the mental abuse I can take and tell him one last time, make your decision and be done with it. Can’t keep doing this to either one of us. He does, says he wants to be with me and sends her a text and tells her his staying with his wife end of story (even shows me he sent it). Not one week goes by and I look at his cell phone usage and they are talking again. I fly off the handle and needless to say he moved in with her that day. (Did I mention that every time we tried to talk that I get blamed for everything? Part of the mental abuse…big long story still in that) Humiliating right? Well, all of the humiliation, mental abuse, lies, cheating and so forth I still can’t get over him. I’m just as sad this time as I was before. Only I think it’s worse because I’m having panic attacks. I cannot face people in public for fear they will talk to me and I will explode into tears. He just came 4 days and got the remainder of his things. I thought that I was going to be okay with it and I was going to take his daughter out for ice cream while he loaded it up. Well, I started losing it so I packed up my things and I ran away for a couple of days only to come home to see the evidence of him being completely gone and I lose it worse than ever. I’m crying so hard I can barely breath. I had already had a crying session with him on the way home. I try not to let him know it is hurting me so badly but I’m really alone and he was my best friend so naturally he’s the one I want to cry to. I can’t stop myself. I have terrible thoughts of wanting to end my life on a daily basis. I don’t think that I would go through with it but they are there all the same. How do I get past this. I never stopped thinking of him for one second the entire 6 months he was gone before and now I have to do it again. I really want my marriage to work and I know that I must be insane for wanting that but I love the man more than anything and I miss him and feel so terribly alone!!![/sIZE][/FONT]

[soheartbroken]

Wow. I'm a novice on here who shouldn't be giving advice. But my heart goes out to you. The initial shock is killer, and I know your pain. Lots of people on here know your pain. You need to keep breathing and surviving, and others will tell you that it gets better. It'll be two steps forward, one step back though.

 

Enlist all the help you can get. Family, friends, counselor...stay with someone if you can't stand being in the house. Maybe get some books and educate yourself on what you are/will be going through. Read other people's posts. I've been recommending "Journey from Abandonment to Healing".

 

I know the panic attacks. I've posted about them on LoveShack (LS). My thread is "I'm in so much pain..."

 

Keep posting. Keep breathing. Just survive this initial stage. I know how hard that is.

[insaneheart]

Thanks imsoheartbroken. I sure can relate to the two steps forward and one step back. I keep having so many highs and lows that my head is spinning. One day I'm fine and I feel like we can go forward and try to keep our friendship and then the next I'm back feeling hopeless. I do stupid things like call him crying and then comes regret and apologies. Why the hell should I be apologizing I think. But I do anyway because I don't want to make an enemy out of him because somehow I still hold on to hope that we can get thru this and work things out and he was my best friend for 11 years. I know a lot of people would say give up but I'm optimistic. I knew last time that we would end up back together even though he said we never would and I'm pretty sure once they get a good taste of playing house together they'll figure out exactly what they "don't" have. I don't hate my husband and I believe he has just been really confused. I'm willing to let this thing ride itself out and say "I told you so" (to myself of course). I did a lot of self help reading today. I'm starting to feel better already. I was still down really bad and my son asked me if I wanted to go out to dinner and I turned him down. I sat here until I couldn't stand thinking of the look I put on his face when I turned him down so I made myself get up and get a shower and tell him I changed my mind and lets go. We did and we had a nice time. Made me feel a lot better. I'm going to try and face every new day like that and try to get back on track. I've never been a weak person but the last few years have just taken a toll on me. Unfortunately I don't have friends I can get support from and I could make a long story out of that but I won't. My family is not much support either. No body really wants to listen to me go on and on which is why I'm here. Just need somewhere to vent. I tried counseling last time but it didn't work so well for me. Probably didn't stick to it long enough. What I really need to do is get of my a** and live!!!

[moo]

There are so many different types of counselors and so many different types of therapy. I like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. There is homework that really helps you process the break-up. There are deep breathing techniques, thought stopping, visual imagery and more. I think you should try another therapist and think about getting one who practices these techniques.

 

Sorry you are in so much pain, but if you have suicidal thoughts, you really need to be in therapy. You can also discuss medication with your therapist. It might be a good idea.

 

When my ex left I experienced so much mental anguish, I felt like I was going to die. He didn't care, he jumped right into another relationship. I struggle, I fall, I get up and try to pull my life together again.

 

I have almost no friends so I got myself some snail mail pen pals and e-pals. I would go to a support group if one was available to me, but there is none.

[insaneheart]

Thanks Moo. I did start to call the crisis center today when I was feeling like it was just too much. I waited and waited and finally someone came on the line and it was guy. Just didn't feel like talking to a male about it so I hung up. I made it thru and have done a lot of online reading for therapy today and I think I'm going to be okay. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't act on the suicidal thoughts. And, I am going to seek counseling mostly so I can learn to get a check on my emotions before they get out of control and I lash out. I hate doing that because I embarrass myself. I was actually even able to walk through the garage (which we had made into his man cave) today with all of his things gone and the mess he left behind for me to clean up and I didn't break down and cry again. So, it's going to be a slow process but I'll get through it. I'm going to hold on to hope but I'm going to work on building myself back up right now.