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Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 4th February 2003, 5:00 AM   #1
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Location: north texas
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Unhappy separation

I separated from my wife six months ago. I did not want to leave my home, but I did not know what else to do. I'm 25 have two full time jobs to make ends meet and am in a rut. I feel as though, I can never be forgiven for my mistakes that I made in my first two and a half years of marriage. (married for 3 years)
We decided to go to separate counseling sessions and would have marital counseling afterwards.
Meanwhile why I get a full time nighttime job to help ends meet, she begins to go out parting and experimenting with drugs. While these events were taking place, I was telling my therapist that she progressively came home later and later. To make a long story short, my wife is now going to therapy all day, having occassional anxiety attacks and is taking over seven different types of medication. Through all of her nights out she will not admit that her life became progressivley worse. None of my feelings matter to her.
Beyond all of these issues, I still give her money and try to help her as much as I can. She has been on medical leave for over two months and still makes more money than me. That's not the issue. However I feel like I'm the fool becasue I know that I have obligations to the house, car, etc...
We have a three year old son and he is staying with my mother at the moment.
How can I move on and leave this woman alone. I still want to make things right, even though I know I can't change her. It just does'nt make sense to me that a woman will leave her son and husband to hang out with a girlfriend; party all night through the week and the weekend, experiment with drugs, give her number to guys and not come home. Through all of that she says that she has not slept with anyone else. I don't believe her. My imagination from her being in the club being intoxicated and not coming is nerve wrecking. This behavior has soon ceased, but that's only because her running buddy moved away and CPS is involved. I feel as though I'm stuck because I have to make money, but don't know if I'm going to get screwed because I'm wanting a relationship that is probably not reparable.
Besides getting a lawyer for advice etc... for my own security what else can I do. I feel as though I am not over reacting. She says that I'm too jealous and it's ok for her to have guy friends. Guy friends are ok, it's just that when you meet them while your're separated and intoxicated and vulerable. Am I wrong for caring? Am I dwelling over the unknown too much! I'm overextending myself to help her eventhough she continues to tear my heart apart.
someone help me please

Last edited by yons; 4th February 2003 at 5:08 AM..
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Old 4th February 2003, 9:24 AM   #2
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You love a woman who never existed. You fell in love with a lady you did not know.

My guess is she comes from an extremely dysfunctional and abusive family. Her behavior as a wife and mother is highly atypical of a responsible human whose roots are a healthy supportive family of origin.

So now you are stuck with a female you don't even know and it's shocking. It's shocking because the person you loved and cared about has died...actually never existed and finding that out is a death of sorts.

You have to come to the realization that this woman you no longer know needs massive doses of psychotherapy in order to heal from her past...and present...and only if she wants to heal.

Ultimately, when you get over the shock you will realize that you and your child will be much better off completely away from this behavior and dysfunction. But until you get to that point, you will remain in shock and disappointment and you will have to mourn a serious loss. Realizing that the person you thought you loved never existed, the tumbling of an illusion, is always devastating to the psyche and you cannot minimize the significance of such an event.

My recommendation is that you seek therapy to get over this serious loss and move on.

Tragically, it is not likely that the woman you loved will ever return. If she does heal in the very long process she will have to undergo in order to get to that point, she will emerge a much different person than you ever knew. A good therapist will know that.

Finding the right person to love and be with for life is the most difficult chore we face on this planet. Many people are never successful at it and some of those who are take most of their lifetime to achieve that success.

I am truly sorry this has happened to you and your family. It's a shock that's difficult to get used to.

You will heal....and, in time, you will find happiness for yourself and your child. Be kind and patient with yourself and show your wife love, compassion and understanding as she works her way through her stuff, much of which was caused by events far beyond her control.
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