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Hi, I hope it's ok to post on here? I posted earlier all the details of my partner of 18 years leaving me, since then I have read some of the other threads on here. I get it, I've spent so much time thinking about why he's left me when it's not about that. It's about how I can get through this.

 

All I've done for three months is go round and round asking why he would give up on us without trying, when I didn't even know there were problems. I just need to know how to get through this.

 

I hope it's ok for me to post here, we weren't married, but I feel like I'm going through a dirvorce, I commited to marrying him years ago and I thought he had done the same, I felt we were married and he said he did as well, but we weren't, he left 10 months before our wedding. I do hope no one minds me posting here, that some of you can help me move through this, I'm finding it so hard.

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Lisa, you can post anywhere you feel you'll get the best-for-you guidance. (It's not kindergarten where we need 'permission' ;).) Besides, a separation is a separation, regardless if there was a legal document or if the relationship was only a year old.

 

What thoughts and feelings are you struggling with the most?

 

EDIT: A version of the book "How to Survive the Loss of a Love" is available for free at: http://www.mcwilliams.com/books/sur/srtoc.htm -- perhaps/hopefully that will offer something useful?

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Thank you, but I think perhaps this may not be the best place for me to be. I think perhaps cultural differences are causing difficulties with my expression. I'm British and it is polite to ask permission if you are doing something that may offend others. By the way there was legal document and a hefty lawyers bill involved as well. However the point is that perhaps I am unable to express myself clearly enough, I guess I will just have to deal with this on my own, lets hope I can.

 

I appreciate your trying to help me.

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Lisa, I'd have to agree that it is likely differences of expression -- you were attempting to be polite, and I was attempting to make you feel more comfortable.

Seems I fell short, and am sorry for that.

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Lisa,

I hope you stick around. Cultural differences not withstanding, there is a lot of help to be had here. It comes around so fast that you will feel compelled to try and help others. I would like to suggest the book, Uncoupling by Diane Vaughan, it looks in great detail at how relationships break down. It helps a lot to understand what has happened. While it is very good that you realize that you need to focus on yourself, do not give up on reconciliation if your not ready. Sometimes working on you can make you more attractive to them. Get healthy physicaly and emotionaly. Regardless of what happens in your relationship you will be stronger for it. I am going through a similar situation as you http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t190291/ it does get easier, but I have never given up the fight, that is what love is all about.

Stay strong Lisa and keep posting

TOJAZ

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thx for the link ronni

Welcome...hope it offers you some comfort and healing.

Hugs and good stuff.

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Standby to standby! This is going to probally be long!

 

First off!

 

Who and what you are? Isn't defined by someone else! Its defined by YOU!

 

You make the decisions about who and what you are! Wheather someone comes or goes does not define your life?

 

Peoeple come! And people go!

 

No one monkey makes a "show"!

 

You are who you are!

 

To thine own self be true!

 

You don't need anyone to validate your exsistence on this earth!

 

You've a right to be here!

 

Your value isn't measured by your sex nor gender! Nor the color of your skin! Nor your religion!

 

But by being a living human being ~ being alive! Breathing!

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LakesideDream

Lisa, be welcome, and feel welcome. We all arrived here for our own reasons, to fill our own needs, to soothe our souls.

 

Many, even most of us have been wounded. Some of us are healing, some not, for some the healing is yet to come. There is wisdom here, often hidden among bitterness. Look for it.

 

I found out that talking helps.

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One of the hardist things I had to pound in my head! :mad:

 

"Takes two to make 'it!'

 

But only one to 'break' it!

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If there's one single thing I would like to commnicate to another? In this Life?

 

Live it to its top!

 

To its fullest!

 

Honor my Life!

 

With YOUR life!

 

 

To its TOP!

 

To its fullest

 

Live life large!

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Hi, thanks for all your words of support. Tojaz, i just read your story and it's helped a lot. It's hard when one of you just won't give, won't try, Gunny puts it very well, takes two to make it and only one to break it.

 

I guess that's what has hurt me so much, it's all those years together, making me feel secure and like we already had a marriage, then acting like we had been on a few dates and he was still deciding if he thought we were compatable. I'm not sure I want a reconciliation now, (although that's today, changes daily), I deserve better than someone who just bails, who is not adult enough to resolve conflict, who doesn't think we had something special for 18 years that's worth saving. He never gave me any indication that he was unhappy you see, no chance at all.

 

I don't think a reconcililation would even be possible now. I did everything I shouldn't have, texting, mailing, begging, I'm a figgin doormat! Pathetic! We had a seperation aggrement drawn up by lawyers and he bought me out of the house and morgage obligations. I have my fiancial settlement, I've moved back to live with my parents and am 200 miles away from him. Tojaz, you say he may want me back when he sees me living my life to the full, we are NC, he won't see me or have any way of knowing.

 

I have to find a way through this for me, not for a chance to get back with him. It's so hard, I like many of you can't sleep well. I'm out of work and living with my elderly parents. I can't stop going round it all in my head, trying to figure it all out, it's driving me crazy. How can I stop this? I know I'm never going to know why, to be honest I don't think he even knows why, he's in counselling. Blimey, i can moan!

 

Ok positives, I'm learning to drive for the first time and it's a stick shift here in the UK. I'm so proud of this, I've suffered with panic problems over the last 6 years and I'm coping, in fact I'm improving.

 

Gunny, you would be proud, last year I lost 5 stones (14lbs in a stone) and since we split a further 13 lbs, I'm a size 10 (US size 6). This increased my confidence before he left and I'm so glad I did it. I'm going to tone up and get fit!

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Lisa,

I looked at things in a very similar way. If she can't see the changes, how will that win her back? The changes are not for that, they make you stronger, better, but it's for you, listen to Gunny. If he sees that it may rekindle something, if it dosen't then you will still be better and stronger for it. Either way you win. NC is the same way, believe me, he's thinking about you, wondering about his decision. Thats not a guarantee but the less he hears from you the more he wonders. In the meantime, not seeing him will spare you the pain and stress. I'd love nothing more to see my wife, last time she trew a chair at me though, we are both hurt. I still haven't given up hope and probably won't till all is final. Maybe not even then who knows.

 

I was a doormat when I tried to save my marriage. Panic attacks, developed an ulcer, lost 40lbs in 2 months. I was a wreck!!!:sick::o In the mean time it was like it was easy for her. Because it was, she had everything clear in her head before she dropped the bomb, I had to catch up and fast. That is what is happening to you. Read about it, go to counseling, post here, anything to get a grip on your feelings. This will all be easier with a clearer head.

Best wishes, TOJAZ

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Thanks Tojaz. That's just how I feel, it did seem easy for him, he was cold, emotionless and as time went on, each time we spoke on the phone he got more and more nasty and hurtful. It was such a shock to me, we had been arranging our wedding, meeting with the minister, looking at venues, discussing plans with our respective parents etc. I was clueless, you're right I've spent 3 months trying to catch up.

 

I hope you're right about the NC, I no choice in the matter anyway, he asked me to stop calling (that p****ed me off as well, he dropped this on me without explanation, jilted me, then got mad when I called to ask why), I hope he is wondering about his decision, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. I have to get through this and find a way to move on, even though I don't want to.

 

As time is moving on I can see I deserved better than to be treated this way, that really he's no good for me and has let me down badly. I just can't turn my feelings off though, I'm still in love with him.

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But your a quick learner! :)

 

Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!

 

He's throwing away a good woman, eighteen years of learning, experience, growing as a person, an individual, a woman ~ to another woman. :o

 

The next guy is going to be so lucky to get you! :p

 

Your wiser, smarter, more experienced now than you were eighteen years ago! Not only do you know what to say and do? More importantly? You know what not to say and do in a relationship! ;)

 

You won't be on the 'market' for very long, before some lucky fella snacthes you up! Just make damn sure you trade up from what you had!

 

Don't sell yourself short!

 

You come across as a good woman and partner ~ don't sell yourself short.

 

Its damned hard to find a good woman who will put up with any one single man for eighteen years! :mad:

 

And vice versa!

 

You've got strengths you don't even know about Lisa!

 

Your all day strong! ;)

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As time is moving on I can see I deserved better than to be treated this way, that really he's no good for me and has let me down badly.

 

That's right!

 

What one will abuse?

 

Another can certainly use!

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But your a quick learner! :)

 

Silly Rabbit! Tricks are for kids!

 

He's throwing away a good woman, eighteen years of learning, experience, growing as a person, an individual, a woman ~ to another woman. :o

 

The next guy is going to be so lucky to get you! :p

 

Your wiser, smarter, more experienced now than you were eighteen years ago! Not only do you know what to say and do? More importantly? You know what not to say and do in a relationship! ;)

 

You won't be on the 'market' for very long, before some lucky fella snacthes you up! Just make damn sure you trade up from what you had!

 

Don't sell yourself short!

 

You come across as a good woman and partner ~ don't sell yourself short.

 

Its damned hard to find a good woman who will put up with any one single man for eighteen years! :mad:

 

And vice versa!

 

You've got strengths you don't even know about Lisa!

 

Your all day strong! ;)

 

Wow, thanks for the compliment, a girl could get carried away with a man like you! :)

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Lisa,

I looked at things in a very similar way. If she can't see the changes, how will that win her back? The changes are not for that, they make you stronger, better, but it's for you, listen to Gunny. If he sees that it may rekindle something, if it dosen't then you will still be better and stronger for it. Either way you win. NC is the same way, believe me, he's thinking about you, wondering about his decision. Thats not a guarantee but the less he hears from you the more he wonders. In the meantime, not seeing him will spare you the pain and stress. I'd love nothing more to see my wife, last time she trew a chair at me though, we are both hurt. I still haven't given up hope and probably won't till all is final. Maybe not even then who knows.

 

I just tried the making a list thing you suggested on Lupas thread, listing all the things I love about him on one side and how he is behaving now on the other side. I think I see what you are getting at, all those things on one side are replaced on the other side with the exact polar opposite. Think it will be a big help whenever I get the urge to break NC.

 

Thanks so much for your help, I really appreciate it, espically as you have your own c*ap to deal with! :)

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No problem Lisa, it makes me feel a lot better, to know that I can help. Makes my own situation die down for awhile. I guess I'm making a positive out of a negative. Keep that list! If and when he comes back, make sure it's the one you want. Stay strong and keep posting, I'm here several times a day.;)

TOJAZ

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Thanks Tojaz.

 

Today has not started well, I have to make some decisions about my future. This has started me thinking about just what effect my ex has had on my current situation, which has led to me feeling all the hurt again, which in turn has led to me rembering how my life was (I just want my life back), to thinking about how much I love him.

 

I was a stay at home wife for the last 7 years, it was a joint decision, due to some health problems I had. This means now I find myself in a bad situation. He's effectively chucked me out with no job, I had to move back to a small seaside town where in the current ecconomic climate there is no work. Add in the fact that I haven't been in paid employment for 7 years and for each job there are 150 applicants with more work experience than me and I know this is gonna be tough. I thnak God for my family who are supporting me.

 

So, what to do? I'm thinking of applying to graduate law at the local university. This will convert my batch degree in Psychology to law. The thing is I have to put a reason on my application as to why I want to study law. I can hardly say, "well, at the age of 33 I find myself with no career or prospects because my g*t of an ex was happy for me to clean and keep house and renovate properties and work like a cart horse for him so we could move up the property ladder and love him and support him, so I want to study law because the chances of me getting a well paid job, so I can move out to my own place, are slim." Nor can I say because it's a high paying profession that will be provide me with a stable future. Anyone got some good BS I can write down?

 

Anyway, I guess I'm just struggling today, memories of the life that has now gone.

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Lisa, try this

 

Due to my recent legal difficulties, I have founda a new interest and respect for the legal field. In going through my situation I have had an urge and sense of fullfillment to help others with their legal problems to a point that I would like to make it my career. This education will enable me to do that.

 

Not to far from the truth I would imagine. I would imagine that Gunny will be by shortly to say something to this effect, but remember, What dosen't kill you will make you stronger. Even if he comes back, your life will probably never be the same after this. Hang on to the good memories but remember what has happened here as well. Would you be so quick to take him back after what he has done to you? You are the strong one, don't let him hurt you from afar.

TOJAZ

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One of my friends I met last fall in divorce care class moved out here from the east coast. He didn't have anything, left his kids, didn't have a job, nothing. He did have family out here & that was it.

 

The other evening I went over for a BBQ & he said; you know what, I believe God had me move out here so I would be able to get thru this divorce. Now he can see how much more painful and hard it would have been if he would have stayed there. He had an affair on his wife (she had one on him earlier in there marriage) so he would have had her to deal with along with his wife & all the people that lived in the small town.

 

None of us (except God) knows why we are in these situations but we are in them for a reason and I would say 100% of those that really deal with it & really work hard on bettering themselves because of it will come out better people in the end.

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Lisa, try this

 

Due to my recent legal difficulties, I have founda a new interest and respect for the legal field. In going through my situation I have had an urge and sense of fullfillment to help others with their legal problems to a point that I would like to make it my career. This education will enable me to do that.

 

Not to far from the truth I would imagine. I would imagine that Gunny will be by shortly to say something to this effect, but remember, What dosen't kill you will make you stronger. Even if he comes back, your life will probably never be the same after this. Hang on to the good memories but remember what has happened here as well. Would you be so quick to take him back after what he has done to you? You are the strong one, don't let him hurt you from afar.

TOJAZ

 

Thanks for that, I put something to that effect and have just posted it off to my academic referee.

 

I've spent a lot of today crying. My head tells me that even if he came back, after what he has done to me, I should not want him back, the trouble is my heart remembers the person I thought he was and wants that person back. I NEVER thought he would ever hurt me like this, his whole character has changed, I miss the guy I loved, who this guy is I've no idea.

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I believe God had me move out here so I would be able to get thru this divorce.

 

None of us (except God) knows why we are in these situations but we are in them for a reason

 

the minister who was going to marry us said much the same to me in a letter, after I wrote to tell him of my exs dishonesty to him (yes my ex lied to a minister about why he was cancelling our wedding, he told him it was because his job was unsecure, not because he had dumped me).

 

It's hard to see at the moment, I do hope you and he are both right.

Thank you for the kind words.

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Thanks for that, I put something to that effect and have just posted it off to my academic referee.

 

I've spent a lot of today crying. My head tells me that even if he came back, after what he has done to me, I should not want him back, the trouble is my heart remembers the person I thought he was and wants that person back. I NEVER thought he would ever hurt me like this, his whole character has changed, I miss the guy I loved, who this guy is I've no idea.

 

Lisa, don't give up hope. Your right, you DONT want your ex back in his current form. You don't want your old life back either. If you are able to reconcile (and I hope that you do) you need to be looking for something better, something stronger then you had before. If you go back to the relationship you had, you are doomed to repeat this. Keep that in mind if you talk to him. It can't just be about being together, it has to be about making it last and repairing what was wrong with the last go round.

TOJAZ

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