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A Crazy Situation Help!


Separation and Divorce Considering ending your marriage? Going through a divorce? Let us know!

Old 2nd January 2003, 7:11 PM   #1
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Unhappy A Crazy Situation Help!

This message could go under a few forums............ I'll try to make a very long story short. I was married very young, been married 13 years, we have children, and have been separated for the last couple months.

For the last 5 months or so, things got bad. In a sense he could probably feel me pulling away. He became a different person through this time. When he would go out at night, he would try to keep me awake once he got home to try to talk (sleepless nights). If he had been drinking, he would threaten to hurt himself and call the cops on me etc. Basically, it seemed he was trying to get my attention. He would also pump the kids for information. I cannot remember the last time I actually wanted to be intimate with him (for years) although he would want to be intimate with me. We did go to a counselor a few times.

Now that we are separated I can realize that I haven't felt the same way about him that he feels for me. I feel that I have "outgrown him" in more ways than one (personally and professionally) . Also, there is a lack of respect for him. He is one who I would like to have a friendship with (for the sake of the kids) one day. Since the separation I feel more at ease and at peace. I am ready to move on in my life (although I don't think he feels the same way right now...... we haven't discussed dating other people or filing for a divorce).

Well, here's the kicker. I have a friend at work who I have gotten close with. I have known him for a couple years. Last year (springtime) out of no where I had a dream about him, then a month or so later......had a water fight at work (just innocent fun). A few months ago I went to his place to talk after a fight with the spouse. That was the first night I kissed my friend. First time I had kissed someone else in over 12 years. Well, since then we have been intimate. This is the first time in ages that I have enjoyed being intimate with someone and actually just feeling something. We have fun together and have spent hours on the phone. We have talked about life post divorce and being together.

Last night we had a blow out. I suppose we are both frustrated about the situation we are in. He said he feels like we're having to look over our shoulders, can't really go out on a date in public, hasn't been able to meet my kids or do anything with them, basically ........not able to be a real couple. I asked him if all this is worth it and the message I got was no. He brought up how his life is difficult right now (issues at work bothering him.... and he takes his job very serious) and of course our situation. It ended with him saying something to the fact of get my life in order and then we would be able to get more serious. I left saying a few choice words. I care about him and would like to have a relationship with him. But........ I also know I need to get my priorities straight and put my kids and self first.

Any suggestions or input would be great since all this is so new to me being I was so young getting married and that was my first serious relationship as well. And...... it's not like I have anyone to talk to about all this........Thanks.........
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Old 2nd January 2003, 10:35 PM   #2
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Uh...is divorce an option?

I don't blame your new guy for being mad. I (and most other sane people) wouldn't deal with dating a married person for long! Do you understand his perspective at all?

Quote:
I left saying a few choice words.
Um...hello? He's dating a married woman! I don't blame him for being mad that you aren't Filing For Divorce. Why aren't you? If you aren't happy in your marriage, what is the hold up? I wouldn't date someone separated who seemed to have no intentions of getting divorced, why should he? It's a no win situation for him!

Quote:
But........ I also know I need to get my priorities straight and put my kids and self first.
Yes, you do need to get your priorities straight. First off, you are married. Second of all, you have children. Third, you are having an affair. WTF???? For your children's sake, figure this out. Either (1) leave your husband, or (2) work things out with your husband. This is NUTS!

Look, I'm not trying to be mean, but think about the situation you are in! If you want to date others, file for divorce and deal with that first. Why are you still with your husband (even though separated, you *are* still married) if you want to date others? Why would any guy want to get involved with that?
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Old 2nd January 2003, 11:20 PM   #3
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Sorry........ I wasn't clear about divorce..

I guess I wasn't very clear with the divorce part. Yes........ I am planning on filing for a divorce. As for me there is no hope or future with the marriage.

When we first separated, I was confused, but shortly after it was clear to me what I want . With the new person in my life....... he also knows this.
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Old 3rd January 2003, 12:31 AM   #4
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Danger Zone.....

You're in a real danger zone in the situation you're in. First, by all means get the divorce but DO NOT do it because of this other person. Do it because you want to get out of a stinking relationship.

Second, people who are very vulnerable often make very bad choices and decisions. You need to be single for a while and date this new guy on a normal basis. Get to know him a lot better. You may find in time you could get bored with him or he could be a real asxhole. There are a lot of things you need to learn about him before you can consider getting serious.

My earnest recommendation to you would be for you to date around a while before you jump into anything. But you may be very insecure and want to get right on with another man immediately. It may work out or you may may a very big price for doing that.

Best of luck to you!!!
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Old 3rd January 2003, 2:51 AM   #5
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Thanks Tony for your reply.

I do realize that the marriage is not what it should be and does stink. Yes. I am filing for a divorce. And, I do agree that I am vulnerable (to the fullest extinct). Especially since I went from living with my parents to getting married.

This is all so new to me. I just need to get a grip and listen to my head not my heart (with this other person).

I know with time........ it will get easier. At least one thing I have learned from the marriage is my self security.
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Old 4th January 2003, 6:21 PM   #6
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Re: A Crazy Situation Help!

Quote:
Originally posted by Leigh


I was married very young, been married 13 years, we have children, and have been separated for the last couple months.
I have been married 20 years and I have been where your at now

Quote:
For the last 5 months or so, things got bad. In a sense he could probably feel me pulling away. He became a different person through this time. When he would go out at night, he would try to keep me awake once he got home to try to talk (sleepless nights).
He knows in his heart that he is loseing you and he is wanting to fix it and make you want to stay

Quote:
If he had been drinking, he would threaten to hurt himself and call the cops on me etc. Basically, it seemed he was trying to get my attention.
He wants you to remember he was the man in your life and that he loves you and knows he will feel sorry for him and stay because of his feelings, letting him put what you feel on a back burner

Quote:
He would also pump the kids for information.
Because he suspects something is happening and he is right itis.

Quote:
I cannot remember the last time I actually wanted to be intimate with him (for years) although he would want to be intimate with me.
In being honestwith your self had you adventured off or had thoughts of another person before I only ask because I did.

Quote:
We did go to a counselor a few times.
me to but by that time I didnt want to work on my home relationship anymore

Quote:
Now that we are separated I can realize that I haven't felt the same way about him that he feels for me. I feel that I have "outgrown him" in more ways than one (personally and professionally) .
I had the same feelings.. but my I really didnt know how unhappy i was being married and tied down and not being able to go where I wanted and to be alone if i wanted or to be with who i wanted even if it wasnt intimate

Quote:
I just wanted to be my self after 20 years.


Also, there is a lack of respect for him. He is one who I would like to have a friendship with (for the sake of the kids) one day. Since the separation I feel more at ease and at peace. I am ready to move on in my life (although I don't think he feels the same way right now...... we haven't discussed dating other people or filing for a divorce).
if you really feel like you want to move on in your life then you should leave the past in the past and work towards something new to make you happy

Quote:
Well, here's the kicker. I have a friend at work who I have gotten close with. I have known him for a couple years. Last year (springtime) out of no where I had a dream about him, then a month or so later......had a water fight at work (just innocent fun).
Dreams can come true, It was sent to you in a dream because you had thoughts at one time, thoughts are not wrong and dreaming about another man isnt wrong either. JMO


Quote:
A few months ago I went to his place to talk after a fight with the spouse. That was the first night I kissed my friend. First time I had kissed someone else in over 12 years. Well, since then we have been intimate. This is the first time in ages that I have enjoyed being intimate with someone and actually just feeling something. We have fun together and have spent hours on the phone. We have talked about life post divorce and being together.
I as well did the same thing and felt just the same... Someone that makes you smile and love to be your self is worth every moment of time you can give to them and your self

Quote:
Last night we had a blow out. I suppose we are both frustrated about the situation we are in. He said he feels like we're having to look over our shoulders, can't really go out on a date in public, hasn't been able to meet my kids or do anything with them, basically ........not able to be a real couple. I asked him if all this is worth it and the message I got was no.
He wants the world to know how he feels about you and he dont want to hide it. He wants to show you how happy you are inside, he wants to show you that you can be happy out side of being in a marriage with a (friend)husband.

Quote:
He brought up how his life is difficult right now (issues at work bothering him.... and he takes his job very serious) and of course our situation. It ended with him saying something to the fact of get my life in order and then we would be able to get more serious. I left saying a few choice words. I care about him and would like to have a relationship with him. But........

I also know I need to get my priorities straight and put my kids and self first.
I hated to see this in your post, I said the same thing. I have since had alot of time to think, many hours of crying and holding a pillow at night to feel the man that made my life so happy.

I live in the USA the man I love lives in Canada, I have 2 kids and they are 16 and 9, I have for years put my kids in front of me. I have lost alot of times that I could of been spending with the one I loved and my kids both (IF)we had been closer the 3000 miles away from eachother. He wanted me to go live with him but I didnt because of my kids. I have lived for the past 3 years trying to do for others when I should of been thinking of my self and the safty of my kids. My kids arnt in any harm other then seeing us fight and fude witch is not the right thing to do for them, it is very hard for them and they really dont understand what is happening in our lives. I have came to learn the hard way that you have to make your self happy. No one can make you happy till you do it your self first.

The man I love has now dumped me for another woman because of me living the life i was, now I have lost the only thing that made me happy inside.

God Bless you and I hope that you get things working out for your self as I know its hard.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 4th January 2003 at 8:15 PM.. Reason: The proper way to quote someone is the [quote] tag.
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Old 4th January 2003, 9:54 PM   #7
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Thanks Pit for your reply. I was hoping someone who has had a situation similar to mine, would give me their input (especially about the issues with my "friend").

Basically......... I am taking everything one day at a time. I will just wait and see what the future holds (even though it kills me to not to be speaking with him).

Good luck and happiness to you as well!
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Old 4th January 2003, 10:06 PM   #8
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Leigha I understand where your coming from, It is killing me right now not to be able to talk to him either. I have a topic under longdistance relationships as well, Im going threw the same thing and have been for a wile now. Just this Christmas things has gone bad. Im not sure what is happening now in his life but Im not giving up yet . I hope that everything works out better for you then it has for me right now.
I dont know that I could help any but I just had to reply because I felt that way my self
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Old 9th January 2003, 1:49 PM   #9
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Pit & Leigh, I've read these posts and I do feel for you both. I have a posting under 'confused' in the seperation and divorce section. Are either of you staying with your husbands or afraid to file for divorce because you think it will be to hard on your husband and you don't want to hurt them? I feel my husband is not "the one", but I feel so sorry for him and I really have no reason to leave him except for the fact that I'm not happy with him. I keep trying to tell myself that no one could love me as much as he does and that I'm very lucky to have found someone like him that puts up with me. I hate to see him hurt. I wish you both well, I'm just curious if being afraid to break someones heart is the reason your both still married. Thanks for your input. Take care.
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Old 10th January 2003, 3:24 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally posted by jp
Are either of you staying with your husbands or afraid to file for divorce because you think it will be to hard on your husband and you don't want to hurt them?
His feelings was the only thing that kept me home.. I stayed home just because if him and the way he cryed and was depressed all the time. I felt like it was easier for me to stay home and live with the pain in my heart of not loving him then to move out and see him hurt.
Not fair to anyone to stay.




Quote:
I feel my husband is not "the one", but I feel so sorry for him and I really have no reason to leave him except for the fact that I'm not happy with him.
You have to stop and think about your self, I know that me telling you what I did is something to read and make your mind ease for the moment, You have to make your self happy because no one can make you happy till you do it your self
Its hard to make that first step in doing so.


Quote:
I keep trying to tell myself that no one could love me as much as he does and that I'm very lucky to have found someone like him that puts up with me.
Relationships always has their problems and it is team work that makes them better but it has to be both people wanting it to work out to make it happen.



Quote:
I hate to see him hurt.
I think that most people that want to leave and are unhappy at home watch the other and try to save there feelings.. It really hurts them worse to stay there and let them think something is there when it isn't. I know I have did this in the start.


Quote:
I wish you both well, I'm just curious if being afraid to break someones heart is the reason your both still married.
YES.....Im seeking help with a doctor now to try and better my self. The stress of staying with him and worrying about the kids and putting my life last isnt right. I love my kids and did everything for them, but there comes a time when the crying ,sadness,thoughts of killing my self has to be turned in to good things like love happiness

God Bless you
Thanks for your input. Take care.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 11th January 2003 at 1:34 AM.. Reason: Please use [quote] to quote others.
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Old 27th January 2003, 1:13 AM   #11
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Hi guys. i was married young also. been married 15 years now. kids are teens. i have been unhappy for years. he is verbally abusive to me and thrives on misery. one counselor told him to get a book on codependence when i defined h's way of loving as negative.

i started speaking with someone who approached me in September. Althought the relationship did not get strong for another couple of weeks or so i knew at the end of September that i had been living a complete lie with "h" -my husband. the day i realized it i was so happy not to have to "act" anymore. it was a huge sense of relief. I told "h" in the beginning of October that it was over.

My relationship with my friend continued to get stronger. It became amazing. WONDERFUL. He however is married and there are complications on his side.

One thing i know for sure is that i am getting away from h for me regardless if my friend is there to join me later. papers have been filed. both of us have lawyers.

H actually got a hold of the phone records from my conversations with my friend and all hell broke loose. that was three weeks ago. unfortunately my friend has withdrawn not wanting to catch "heat" on his homefront. I have had to put aside my anxiety over this because it is just too much to handle. it is actually tearing me up not to have the contact we had. it filled my heart.

The hilarious part of all this is that i discovered that prior to h telling me had phone bills he signed up for several onine dating services and he is actually supposed to meet a gal this week or next. hows that for recovery! HAHAHAHAHAHA.

i am very excited about my new life without h. my kids have expressed there concerns over the future changes but overall they were not surprised.
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Old 27th January 2003, 2:39 AM   #12
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You have been married for 13 years yet this guy is the first guy you have kissed other than your husband in 12?? Am I missing something here with the math??
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