missmeme Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 I've read a lot of threads on here and they do help. Here is my situation, my husband of 22 years wants a divorce, he has been gone pretty much the last 4 years to Iraq and Afghanistan to further his career (not military), we have always had some problems but managed to slap bandaids on them, we have 4 children, 26, 19. 15. and 13. This past September he was so miserable and lonely that I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him it was ok for him to sleep with a woman he worked over there as long as it was just sex, in my mind because I love him so much that if it took away a little of the misery for him it would be ok. I have always been faithfal to him, the problem is now he wants a divorce, where I am confused is he says he loves me but wants to be alone but he still has contact with this woman. I could forgive him anything butI am at a loss what to do, I love him so much and it is so hard for me to imagine him not being part of my life. I told him this morning is he would work on the marriage till the end of June I would agree to a separation but I found out he is already looking at apartments. How are you suppose to go on when you are losing the person you have loved over half your life? Link to post Share on other sites
Liquid Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 This past September he was so miserable and lonely that I made the biggest mistake of my life by telling him it was ok for him to sleep with a woman he worked over there as long as it was just sex, in my mind because I love him so much that if it took away a little of the misery for him it would be ok. The moment you told your husband it's okay to sleep with another woman, your marriage had probably ended right there right then. Whatever that you shared with him, as something unique between a husband and wife, is now just casual and replaceable thing because you allowed him to share it with another woman. You can count on the fact that after he slept with her, he had developed feelings for her or it makes it easier for him to sleep with another woman or fall in love with any other woman. Link to post Share on other sites
hopesndreams Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 ok for him to sleep with a woman he worked over there as long as it was just sex, in my mind because I love him so much that if it took away a little of the misery for him It's good that you acknowledge that telling him this was a huge mistake, but sadly, this cannot be taken back. You pushed him away. In your mind you did it out of love? In his mind, you said it because you didn't love him. How are you suppose to go on when you are losing the person you have loved over half your life? Dunno really, still trying to figure that one out for myself. Grieving helps, accepting and letting go helps and the rest is time. Time heals all wounds. Gotta love those well-meaning cliches. One month for every year to get over it, I have 8 months left to go. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted April 30, 2009 Share Posted April 30, 2009 basically you've already been seperated for 4 yrs. by you telling him that it was ok to have sex, was not your mistake.i can see tring to advance your career,but 4 yrs? in my opion,you got the patience of job(sp). for you to remaine faithful for all this time--lady i tip my hat,you're a one in a million women.while that doesn't help you any,it's truely heart warming to see that in some people time or space doesn't change their opion of their vows.i truely hope you and your husband get back together, but if not this is some very lucky man out there waiting. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmeme Posted April 30, 2009 Author Share Posted April 30, 2009 Being faithful was easy, I have never wanted anyone but him, don"t get me wrong I got lonely and missed having his arms around me but I tried to stay busy with the kids and house. The part that hurts me so much is how he is not even willing to give us a chance, I feel like he is taking all the love I have for him and flushing it down the toilet and believe me I have put up with alot over the years, I worked 2 jobs to put him through college after he got out of the army and I always thought that as long as you still have some love for each other there should be hope. I feel so lost and hurt all the time and I just don"t know how to get over it. Link to post Share on other sites
delajoonal Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 missmeme... i want to say i am so very sorry for you...we all here can emphathise. my dh had an online 3 week EA, then she broke it off, and he still wants a divorce from me....and the same issue, he won't even talk about MC or anything like it...you are right, how do you get over the love of your life, the man you spent a life time with, raised children with, made a home together...this my dear is going to be the hardest thing you have ever done...now i am not trying to scare you..just prepare you...cause i am still in it too...just 2 months from finding out about the EA and him telling me, i love you, but i am not in love with you..crap...the same ol' line. just know, you are as strong as you want to be...but also give your self time to grieve and recover from this devastation...there are too many emotions to put in words, i know...we all do...gosh, i wish i had a magic wand to make us all happy and just move on and start our lives over again...today i am fixated on the fact that i will NEVER have a 50th wedding anniversary thanks to my cheating dh...i am 43 years old now...and light years away from dating let alone getting married again...plus i never wanted anyone but my dh, just like you... i am prolly not helping any...but i just want to show my support and let you know i care, we all do...so please keep posting and let us know when you need to vent, cry or anything, OK... p.s. i did something similar with my dh, like you saying it was OK to sleep with OW...i know you did it truly out of love and just wanting your man to be happy, etc.....unfortunaltely, he got a taste of the single life...and now he thinks the grass is greener...we all know it is not...but he needs to find that out on his own:(...meanwhile, eat right, exercise, talk with friends and family and at night when the kids can't hear you, cry into your pillow..it is OK to let IT ALL OUT! take care:love: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 OK! Official "Pity Party Day" was yesterday! That's right May 1st! You only get one and only ONE per divorce/separation! If you didn't take advantage of it to get drunk and listen to sad Country Music ~ well that's just too sad ~ too bad! You've got one of two choices from here on Recruits! Either get your happy @ss a living or get your happy @ss to living! Your only other choose is to get yourself busy ~ DYING! Whooops! Too late! You've got too many people in your LIFE depending on you for your knowledge, wisdom, experience ~ your unconditional LOVE! Now get your happy @ss out there and rub some sunshine on your face! Get out there and love your friends, your children, your grandchildriend your cousins, your grandparents, your nephews, your nieces, your brothers, your sister, your step-brothers, your step-sisters, your negibors! Link to post Share on other sites
Admiral Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 He's bored with you. Long distance relationships don't work, they go against everything a man's instincts tell him to do. Link to post Share on other sites
Juristhea Posted May 2, 2009 Share Posted May 2, 2009 22 years of marriage is such a waste and so tragic to hear. But after reading your story, which saddened me because I never thought that people married for more than 20 years even think of getting separated but that's just me and my idea of a perfect relationship's duration, I think he also misunderstood when you said that he can sleep with other women and may have interpreted this as you trying to push him away by baiting him to another woman. It's always sad when people misunderstand intentions. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missmeme Posted May 3, 2009 Author Share Posted May 3, 2009 I am so sorry to hear that you are going through the same thing delajoonal. It doesn't make me feel better at all to know that this is commonplace. I guess it is stupid of me to think that my love is any different from anyone elses. I just hurt so much right now and I feel like it is never going to stop. He is moving out tomorrow but unfortunately that doesn"t make me think it is going to be any easier. It does piss me off that he gets to just walk away and I have to stay and "deal with all the kid **** I have always had to deal with" I am so tired of putting on a brave face so not to worry the kids. His big thing everytime we talk has been to point out to me that everytime he called when he was over there and was down in the dumps and wanting to come home that I always acted like I didn't want him home. I have tried to explain that I thought that was what I was supposed to do to be strong, to give him the pep talk so that he could make it, it never had anyting to do with not wanting him home, I always wanted him home, every second of every day. But I guess this is my punishment for trying to put his wants and desires first and then the kids second, I am always last, how does that happen and why do I feel like it just doesn"t matter what you do it will always be effed up in the end. I guess I need someone to tell how to make it quit hurting, that is the part that is unbearable, makes me care about no one and nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
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