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Loves me but not in love with me BS...


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...i've been doing google searches on what to do, and found this website which had some of the best advice, seemingly.

 

my wife of 13 years told me about 3 weeks ago that she is not in love with me anymore and has felt that way for a long time now. When she first told me this, I completely flipped out. Not in a bad way, but I just lost it emotionally. I had no control over myself. I cried for about 3 days straight. After that, it's been slowly getting better. We've had many more talks and tears, mostly from me. The last talk we had, I was trying to get her into counseling. I went right away because I was so emotional. She went that same week, but mostly to help me, not really for her. So, I was talking about counseling, and she just said, "i'm not going. i don't have a problem. i'm not in love with you and i don't see how some counselor is going to fix that. i can't help the way i feel, but i can't keep pretending". So, she said, "it's over". I said ok. So, I now have decided to give her the space she asked for in the first place. I know it's still early in this, but all her friends, and my counselor said that i need to just give her space, move on with my life and let it go for now. So, I am doing that, however hard it is for me. Today was Easter, and I didn't go with her and the kids because I don't want to be around her socially. This is going to be very difficult because we entertain a lot and have a good set of mutual friends that we hang out with. I just stayed home. Tomorrow, I am leaving with the kids and going to my moms for the week. It's the only way I can think of to really clear out. My counselor has told me that I should just start socializing, organizing dinners, hitting the gym, and just trying to move forward. That's also the advice I see here a lot.

 

There are some weird things though. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms, and she keeps going in my room and making my bed for me. I went out with some buddies the other night, and when I came home, the bed was made. I never make my bed, so I don't get this. She's done this a few times. It's very nice. I mean, I really kind of like it. But, I find it strange. I also caught her going through my mail. I had my mail sitting on my dresser in my room and I walked in and she was standing there reading it. I didn't say anything and she quickly put it down and walked out. I'm not going to mention it, she knows she was caught and I don't want to make a big deal out of it. I am not hiding anything. But, I find that weird too. And, while she never shows it, I have heard from some reliable sources that she is very jealous of one of her friends who has talked about me, and when she sees me flirts with me a lot. I never flirt back, I just always thought that's how she was, but after I knew this info, I've watched her with other men, and she's not the same. Anyway, nothing would ever happen, it's all silly, but that jealousy side is something i've never seen. Why would she feel that way of she's not in love?

 

Anyway, the space thing is killing me. I hate it.

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LakesideDream

Sadman, let me be the first to Welcome you to LoveShack. There's lots of help available here. Some of it I gaurentee you are not going to want to here.

 

I could be the first with advice too, I've been where you are, but I'm not gonna, to late at night. By the time I wake up you'll have pleanty of opinions.

 

I hope tomorrows a better day.

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she wants space? give her space--with her out the door! there's no reason for you to leave your home,as this is all about her.start having your mail to a po box if she won't quit reading it.is it possible there's another man involved?usually the case when you get the"i love you,but not i love w/ you" speach.

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The double whammy of "I love you but not in love with you" followed by "I need my space" turned out to be the combination of her PPD - our constant argueing -oh and an online affair with a man she had an EA with a little over a yr ago & broke off then re-ignited.

All behind my back of course.

 

Maybe she thinks you are having an affair & just can't prove it.

Maybe she was looking to see where you spent your money on your bank / credit card statements.

 

You need to ask her what is wrong with you.

 

For my wife, what was wrong with me was I wasn't the fantasy man she was talking to online & texting & such so It was actually impossible for her to answer what was wrong with me that made her feel that way.

 

Maybe, she's telling you by making your bed that this is one of the little things you never did that were important to her?

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LucreziaBorgia
Why would she feel that way of she's not in love?

 

She isn't in love. She just doesn't want anyone to come take away her backup plan.

 

You definitely want to separate yourself from her until your head clears enough to see things more clearly.

 

I suspect with time you'll find out a few things that will make those pieces fall right into place. That usually happens with the 'ILYBINILWY' thing. Invariably there is something your spouse is hiding from you when they say that.

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She isn't in love. She just doesn't want anyone to come take away her backup plan.

 

You definitely want to separate yourself from her until your head clears enough to see things more clearly.

 

I suspect with time you'll find out a few things that will make those pieces fall right into place. That usually happens with the 'ILYBINILWY' thing. Invariably there is something your spouse is hiding from you when they say that.

 

Agree 100%. Usually with the ILYBNILWY there's someone else involved. If you haven't snooped, (her emails, cell phone records, then it's time). If you have any suspicions, hire a PI.

Also, if she wants space, why is she still living in your home. You want space, fine I'll help you pack.

You will be able to move on much quicker if she's not around.

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whichwayisup

Seems she detached and did her grieving a long time ago which is why she can be cool towards you and act like she's fine.

 

Or she's met someone else and has one foot out the door..

 

She wants out, let her go but don't chase after her. IF she realizes shes' made a mistake, then SHE has to do all the legwork to make it right again and gain your trust, do counselling etc.

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I too concur.. While it may not be a full blown affair, perhaps she has fallen into the grass being greener on the other side... I have been EXACTLY in your shoes before, and I know it sucks... Time will heal but that doesnt make it any easier today.....

 

Just take care of your kids (how old are they?)

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Hey folks,

 

thanks for the welcome and i appreciate the advice. there's more to the story. i truly do not think there is someone else. i did think that before she told me. i was snooping around with her phone and emails and didn't really find anything out of the ordinary. if there is, it would be a shock to everyone, not just me, but her closest friends. she's not like that.

 

before i start, the kids are 5 and 6.

 

the reason we are still in the same house is because i am the sole supporter and she doesn't have a job. I can't just kick her to the street. but, i aint moving out. so, she's looking for a job and will move out once that's settled. we've discussed it. in fact, i planted that seed the first day she told me. i don't know why but it just seemed logical that she move out since she's the one who wants to do this. at first, that pissed her off, but recently she said that she is going to move into a small studio apartment once she finds a job. so, that's settled.

 

but, there are a whole bunch of real complicated things going on.

 

it all really started when she lost her mom. that really kicked everything off. then, shortly after that, she lost a brother in a freak accident. then, after that, her dad. then, after that, another brother. if all that wasn't the kicker, the big one was another of her brothers got this illness and almost died. they couldn't figure out what it was, and he came very near death. the other siblings would not help, and she was the one holding the bag. she took care of him, made his Dr appointments, took him to them, and got him well. according to her, it was during that time where a realization struck her: she didn't need to rely on me emotionally. she went through so much, and she just didn't need me anymore. i read this as: i wasn't there for her. but, that's not true from my perspective.

 

emotionally, i was partially there. as much as a hard working man can be. I mean, i took care of the kids, and i did everything to lighten her load as much as possible, but the reality was that i still had to go to work everyday and do my thing. i did take time off for each event that occured, but i can't just sit home all day every day. unfortunately, it just doesn't work that way. even if my own parents die, i can take a week off, then i go back to work. i know this sounds bad, but that's how it is.

 

so, that's what she told me. she just detached and that was it.

 

now, fast forward to today. the reason she wound up telling me, even though she wasn't ready is because i forced it out of her. i was starting to get really jealous. she dropped a bunch of weight and looks hot. she has been doing things to make me think there is someone in her life; if not physically, maybe emotionally. so, i was going through her emails and phone texts, and even getting a little jealous when we when out together. but, it was becuase she would give me no attention at all. it was like we were just two separate people hanging out. like roommates or friends. it felt weird to me, and it just wasn't right. and, although i didn't know it at the time, it makes sense now. she had already been disconnected. i was just like a good friend to her.

 

after our talks, i don't think there is someone else. we've hashed it out and i think if there was, it would have come out by now. she would have just said yes. i also overheard her talking to a friend on the phone, she didn't know i was there, i just started to walk in from coming back from the store, and before i entered, i stood at the door and listened to this phone conversation she was having. and she was talking about how everyone (our friends) thinks there is someone else and all that and it's ridiculous. so, i really don't think that's it. the weight loss is something we both have been working on for a long time, and she's been jumping roping and running, and eating less, and Ive actually been doing those things too. so, i don't know if that's a big deal. im not saying it's not. but, i am saying that just because two things happen at the same time, doesn't mean they are related. i think it's related, but not because there's another man. maybe, she started thinking about it though, or someone has recently caught her interest. i don't know, and i probably don't care so much about that because that's not the problem here. at least, it's not the problem as i understand it.

 

the making of the bed thing i think is simply a nice and tender thing that she does. i really do.

 

ok, so this is funny. i went out again (yes, i am trying to reconnect with all my buddies that i've not been a great friend to because i've devoted more time to my family), and when i got home, her bedroom light was on. as soon as she heard me walk up to the house, the light went off. i think it was 2am. there are 2 possibilities, she's keeping score and watching what i am doing, or she was just asleep, and hearing me woke her up and she swithed off the light. and, the bed was made.

 

so, here's my deal. i'm having a good day today, so i can talk this out more rationally than i might on not so good days. i am working really hard on only going by what she is telling me, and trying not to read too deeply into things. because i think that making assumptions could be dangerous right now. but, i wanted to provide a little more of the background in case that changes your opinion a little on the situation.

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pelicanpreacher

She may in fact still love you but has gradually built up emotional walls because of the multiple deaths she's been shocked with to protect herself from incurring further losses in her life. I think that she may be suffering from depression which has skewed her thinking to believe the only person she can count on is herself because of being overwhelmed with the spectre of death in her life. Have you encouraged her to seek counseling at any time during the course of the traumatic events she's experienced?

 

She may in fact be having or contemplating an affair or just disillusioned with being a good person and following the rules when there's no guarantee of a happy ending while the impetus driving her thoughts may be rooted in desparation and despair over losing so many people she loved over such a short period of time without rhyme or reason. If she has come to the conclusion that life is short or effort is pointless then the emptiness she feels might be influencing her outlook and be the source of the distance she's experiencing in your relationship.

 

As for her making your bed, I see that as her attempt to stay grounded in her connection to you as she struggles to make sense of how she feels, what she is doing, or wants to do. I think that you'd do well to develop empathy with her suffering and address these issues head on for there is hope if you can reassure her that you believe she is a good woman, that you will devote yourself to making her life better, and will love and stand by her no matter what the outcome so that she may emerge from this fog with a renewed love and faith in herself, you, and your marriage.

 

GL!

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Thank you pelicanpreacher,

 

This hits home for me. She seems confused and lost. At the time, I did not ask her to seek counseling.

 

She may in fact still love you but has gradually built up emotional walls because of the multiple deaths she's been shocked with to protect herself from incurring further losses in her life. I think that she may be suffering from depression which has skewed her thinking to believe the only person she can count on is herself because of being overwhelmed with the spectre of death in her life. Have you encouraged her to seek counseling at any time during the course of the traumatic events she's experienced?

 

She may in fact be having or contemplating an affair or just disillusioned with being a good person and following the rules when there's no guarantee of a happy ending while the impetus driving her thoughts may be rooted in desparation and despair over losing so many people she loved over such a short period of time without rhyme or reason. If she has come to the conclusion that life is short or effort is pointless then the emptiness she feels might be influencing her outlook and be the source of the distance she's experiencing in your relationship.

 

As for her making your bed, I see that as her attempt to stay grounded in her connection to you as she struggles to make sense of how she feels, what she is doing, or wants to do. I think that you'd do well to develop empathy with her suffering and address these issues head on for there is hope if you can reassure her that you believe she is a good woman, that you will devote yourself to making her life better, and will love and stand by her no matter what the outcome so that she may emerge from this fog with a renewed love and faith in herself, you, and your marriage.

 

GL!

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so, i know her password to get into her email. she doesn't know this. she's totally flirting with another guy. big time. and, this is going to lead to something, by the sound of it. i mean, no doubt.

 

so, what do i do now? she's actually pursuing him, which really just broke my heart. i know this is new for her. i know it in my heart, but she seems so quick to jump out.

 

is this a normal thing. once she told me it's over, she's just quickly moving on? is this how it works.

 

i wish i would not have seen those emails. i think i'm going to stop that because had i not seen that, i'd be fine now. now, i'm going to be wrecked again. i guess i shouldn't care, and i should just move on. but, it's really heart breaking.

 

i suppose you all will tell me to not say anything, and just move on. but, wow, what a blow to my gut just now.

 

i guess if it's over, it's over, right. so, you're right. needing space is code for, i'm outta here.

 

hmmmm. i'm going to have to rethink my strategy here and get a little harsher about her moving out of the house; job or no job.

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OK, I just looked at her emails, and wow. She's pursuing another man pretty agressively. Wish I wouldn't spy on her. You know, she said it's over, adn in her head, she's been done for years. So, just because it's new information for me, I need to take a step back and think through this. If it was me in her place, I'd feel the same. I think she's been faithful, now in her mind, she's dropped the bomb, she separated, and she's ready to play. As ridiculous as this is to me, a 43-year-old woman chasing a 20-something bartender dude, it just doesn't matter.

 

What's worse is that if I hadn't been spying through her emails, I wouldn't know this, and I wouldn't feel the pain I feel right now.

 

On the other hand, when I get back home (I came to visit my mom with the kids) she's out of the house, and I am changing my accounts so she no longer has access to my money. That should light a fire under her butt to get a job and figure this out. Right now, it's all too easy for her.

 

But, I am in so much pain. Why is this happening to me. I'm a great guy, great job, great house, great life. I just don't understand what the hell is going on and why it's happening to me.

 

Even though I am the only one responding to myself (LOL), this is theraputic to write this all out in real time. It will be interesting to read this 2 or 3 years from now and see where I've been and where I am.

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i hand it to you, seems you are doing a beautiful job of keeping your cool in such tragic circumstances. i'm sorry for your marriage and your wife's behavior.

 

when people usually say i love you but not.... it means they are seeing or pursuing someone else. moving on.

 

i would continue to trail the email account... and i'd print everything out. keep it stored somewhere that she can't get to it. i'd check her cell bill as well... have her followed if you need to - she's a gal that's willing to break up your family - she doesn't deserve your sympathy or understanding nature. get her to move. if she wants space... she can have it - immediately. she'll figure out the details of how to make that one work. she was just trying to buy time so it would all fall on you and it would make it easier for her to ease out without showing too many signs of her cheating ways. meanwhile she still gets what she wants. the walk away wife.

 

move money and see an attorney so you know what the guidelines are. have the locks changed so she can't check up on you or come and go as she pleases.

 

you should stay in the house and try to keep the kids life as close to their usual schedule as you can.

 

figure she may be unpredictable and absent... maybe even placing the kids or her prior life/schedule/routine low on the priority list. don't take that personally, she's just being selfish.

 

the new man will normally take any precedence over her past behavior. you need to get a lot of things in order. her feelings and requirements are now secondary... don't worry about hurting her feelings. she wasn't worried about you or the kids was she?

 

keep posting... you need support and guidance - this is a good place.

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Thank you. This is so damn sad. I'm not cool at all, it's just how I write. I'm a mess. But, being strong for the kids. My social network isn't all that great, but I'm trying to make it so. It would be better if I had tons of friends. unfortunately, I relied on her for our social life because she's good at it. Most of "our friends" are really her friends. So, that's a bit of a sting too because I've been cut off from a lot of people. Not all, but quite a few. Many of her friends think she's being stupid, but they are her friends, not mine, so I've had to stop talking to them.

 

Argh! I just need to move the money first, before I do anything else. That part scares me. She's been managing our money for a long time, and I have no idea where things are financially. We do pretty good money-wise, so I'm nto totally worried. I'll be able to get back to basics, if I have to. I know how to live very inexpensively. But, they are my paychecks, so I am in control and can easily open a new account and have the money go there. That's the first step, I think. I wouldn't want to ask her to move first, because she could go to the bank and clean me out. Not that she would, but I have a funny feeling that things are going to get dicey over the next couple months.

 

I'll keep writing my story here, if for no other reason, just to vent. But, I truly appreciate all the advice and reasoning.

 

Full blown divorce is not something I will pursue for a very long time, if ever. So, I just want everyone to know that. That isn't what I am after. I'll let her do that part, which she wont. So, we'll just stay separated, probably, forever. I don't even know if were legally married in California, as we got married in Australia, and never registered here in the US. Not sure of all the legalities, but I don't care about that at all. Maybe someday I will, but right now, that's the last of my worries.

 

i hand it to you, seems you are doing a beautiful job of keeping your cool in such tragic circumstances. i'm sorry for your marriage and your wife's behavior.

 

when people usually say i love you but not.... it means they are seeing or pursuing someone else. moving on.

 

i would continue to trail the email account... and i'd print everything out. keep it stored somewhere that she can't get to it. i'd check her cell bill as well... have her followed if you need to - she's a gal that's willing to break up your family - she doesn't deserve your sympathy or understanding nature. get her to move. if she wants space... she can have it - immediately. she'll figure out the details of how to make that one work. she was just trying to buy time so it would all fall on you and it would make it easier for her to ease out without showing too many signs of her cheating ways. meanwhile she still gets what she wants. the walk away wife.

 

move money and see an attorney so you know what the guidelines are. have the locks changed so she can't check up on you or come and go as she pleases.

 

you should stay in the house and try to keep the kids life as close to their usual schedule as you can.

 

figure she may be unpredictable and absent... maybe even placing the kids or her prior life/schedule/routine low on the priority list. don't take that personally, she's just being selfish.

 

the new man will normally take any precedence over her past behavior. you need to get a lot of things in order. her feelings and requirements are now secondary... don't worry about hurting her feelings. she wasn't worried about you or the kids was she?

 

keep posting... you need support and guidance - this is a good place.

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OK, it just got a lot, lot, lot, lot worse.

 

i was watching her email, as i said i shouldn't, and they were having email sex. who does that. then, he invited her out with her.

 

i emailed and texted her back saying some bad stuff, and told her that she better be gone when i get back.

 

yikes. this is going to get very ugly. i think she's out, so i don't think she's seen the messages yet. i'm sure i'll hear from her the second she takes a minute to look at her phone. don't want to talk anymore.

 

i guess that made this whole thing pretty definitive for me. i wish i could just go to sleep, but i think i'm going to be up all night.

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LucreziaBorgia

Keep your head above water and keep treading. It isn't easy when you get blindsided. I see it so often here that I can see it a mile off, but that doesn't make it any easier for the person who finds out on his/her own.

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when she knows you know - she'll probably not respond at all.

 

she'll give you nothing to work off of... unless, of course - she starts gaslighting you... yep, it will soon be ALL your fault - from HER perspective.

 

duck and cover! sometimes no reaction is best until you let the dust settle. in the meantime - remove the crap - she should be out.

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This is tough, but the measure of your inner strength will be to psyche yourself to becoming indifferent to all the B*******t. Think about it. You really don't want anything to do with a woman who does that to you. Would you really want anything further to do with her? The answer is an emphatic NO! So why does it bother you what she does and who with? Keep reminding yourself that she does not deserve a minute of your thoughts. She f****d up, ergo she is no longer worthy of a minute of your thoughts. Make it easier for her to disappear from your life. I would not talk to her about anything whatsoever. Go get laid. A great remedy for anger.

 

You are strong! You're the man! This is a breeze. You will get through it. BUT, look after No. uno!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

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Because I love her. That's why.

 

But, I hear you. It just hurts so bad. And, I can be impulsive at times, and that's when I break down and start texting or emailing. But, I will work to keep it in check. I think one problem is I brought the kids to my moms. Too much down time here, and too many thoughts running through my head. It's easier to be working and all that.

 

I'd love to get laid. Don't know if my hearts in it, but it would probably be a good thing to just go for it.

 

This is tough, but the measure of your inner strength will be to psyche yourself to becoming indifferent to all the B*******t. Think about it. You really don't want anything to do with a woman who does that to you. Would you really want anything further to do with her? The answer is an emphatic NO! So why does it bother you what she does and who with? Keep reminding yourself that she does not deserve a minute of your thoughts. She f****d up, ergo she is no longer worthy of a minute of your thoughts. Make it easier for her to disappear from your life. I would not talk to her about anything whatsoever. Go get laid. A great remedy for anger.

 

You are strong! You're the man! This is a breeze. You will get through it. BUT, look after No. uno!

 

Good luck

 

Nomad1

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