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"I love you but am not in love with you"


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This is a question more on an academic level than anything else...

 

Does this ALWAYS mean that a partner is in love with, or wants to be in love with someone else? Is it the same for men and women?

 

What if a person says that they "love their partner, but are not in love with them" to trusted friends?

 

Still the same? They are in love with someone else?

 

Sorry, insanely curious as to how you all have seen it pan out.

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I can only tell you that when my ex-H used this phrase to me, he meant;

 

He cared for me in his own way; Ex: He wouldn't want to see me run over by a Mack truck.

 

He also meant; He wasn't physically interested in having sex with me.

 

Also; He didn't want to be married anymore.

 

And... I needed to put any idea of us spending our lives together out of my thoughts.

 

But;:laugh: We could still be friends!

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Skywriter, same with me when my STBXW said the words to me. It's amazing after you spend some time reading these threads how many of these situations are the same.

 

There's not much you can do other than accept it and move on. When someone says this it means, to me, that they have given up and are no longer willing to put the work into their marriage. They aren't willing to allow feelings to come back because they don't want to be bothered with the hard work to find them again.

 

I think they'll find, though, that every relationship will end that way for them because it's not a problem with you or the marriage, but a problem with them. They can't see past the warm and fuzzy feeling they get when they "fall" in love to realize that a marriage over decades requires a ton of work. That sometimes you may not be attracted to your spouse and that's okay, if you both put hard work and commitment into it you can get it back.

 

Fundamentally, it's way to easy to get a divorce. You made a commitment to each other to survive the tough times not that there would be no tough times.

 

Keep your chin up. Look for doing a 180 on the internet. Take care of yourself and work on yourself. I'm three weeks into mine and I can tell you it gets better with time. Just don't allow her or anyone else to ruin your life.

 

Keep posting there's a lot of help and advice here.

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LucreziaBorgia

It generally is the case that someone else is involved when you hear that. Its simple when you think about it. People can coast along with 'love' for a long time if things are tolerable and there is no outside interference. They settle into a nice marriage inertia in which they are content, more or less and will stay that way indefinitely.

 

Let another person come on the radar though? That contentment turns to resentment when they rediscover passion/new sex, and they start wanting out.

 

People don't just walk out of content (even boring) marriages on their own. There has to be something on the outside luring them away - whether it is the shot at a new life (career) or a new love. Usually it is the new love.

 

Rarely do you have someone who is strong and self actualized enough to leave a marriage for reasons other than that.

 

Your safest bet? When you get ILYBINILWY, you have to assume that there is someone else in the picture. 99 times out of a 100, that is the case. They will even swear on their parent's deathbeds, their children, a bible - no matter, the need to protect that 'new thing' outweighs any outdated thing that might have been sacred to them at one time.

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LakesideDream

I've often wondered how far that phrase went back. I remember a friends GF telling him that in High School. That was 40++ years ago. I've heard it from a couple of gals since, twice from my now long time ago ex wife. Once from the only other woman I ever lived with, a statement she renigged on many times before I just lost interest.

 

I've also had a number of friends tell me in various stages of emotional destruction that generally follows that they had received the "gift".

 

In my case it was true, my now ex had another love interest.

 

I believe it's a way for the dumpor to "let em down" easily. I also think it's a basket of crap. It's not like men don't know what it means.

 

I'm getting older than dirt now. I would certainly prefer to hear that a woman had met someone new and that the romance was over. Why go through, and put someone through the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" tripe anymore?

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I suppose I'm asking because I'm the friend of someone who has said that she loves her husband but is not in love with him anymore. But she told that to me (I'm female) - so I wasn't sure if that meant the same thing, or if it was more along the lines of expressing that she didn't feel romantic or passionate love for him anymore.

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I'd suspect that there's more to her situation than she's told you.

 

She's not "in love" with her H anymore. Well...something happened to cause that shift in her feelings. VERY often, that shift IS caused because she's begun emotionally investing in someone else.

 

Nothing is "always"...but infidelity is a common reason for hearing this exact same phrase.

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What if a person says that they "love their partner, but are not in love with them" to trusted friends?

I don't remember saying it out loud to anyone (friends or then-husband) but I do know that I FELT like that.

Far as I can now tell, it was a general feeling of being unhappy, unfulfilled and not so much cherished, desired and appreciated. But I was totally lacking self-awareness and emotional fluency, so I didn't have these words to help me understand or explain anything to anyone (including myself.)

It wasn't that I wanted to be with someone else...it was that I wanted to FEEL happy, fulfilled, appreciated, etc., etc.

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I've often wondered how far that phrase went back. I remember a friends GF telling him that in High School. That was 40++ years ago. I've heard it from a couple of gals since, twice from my now long time ago ex wife. Once from the only other woman I ever lived with, a statement she renigged on many times before I just lost interest.

 

I've also had a number of friends tell me in various stages of emotional destruction that generally follows that they had received the "gift".

 

In my case it was true, my now ex had another love interest.

 

I believe it's a way for the dumpor to "let em down" easily. I also think it's a basket of crap. It's not like men don't know what it means.

 

I'm getting older than dirt now. I would certainly prefer to hear that a woman had met someone new and that the romance was over. Why go through, and put someone through the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" tripe anymore?

 

 

AKA ~ Is it raining or are you just pissing on my boots?

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It's not like men don't know what it means.

It's not like men don't use the same phrase. But regardless if a male or female says it, I can't imagine that they're actually wondering about their partner's (lack of) understanding of the phrase, or wanting/hoping for their partner to NOT know what it means.

 

Getting stuck on what actual words were used to end our relationship and trying to interpret/reinterpret, seems to me a highly non-productive exercise, for the long-term.

That is, when the 'decree absolute' is filed safely in the vault, it doesn't help to continue to agonize over the specific words that started it all off. IMO.

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It's merely a pseudo nice way of ending a relationship in a way to reduce the chances of that person retaliating.. Any questions ? LOL

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